We’ve all seen them…that couple that’s out to dinner looking like they would rather be anywhere else other than with each other. They sit across from one another with conversation, no smiling, and you can feel the distance and tension between them. They pull out their cell phones to fill the boredom and seeming disinterest and the only thing that helps them get through are the glasses of wine! It seems so depressing and everyone looking thinks that that must be what marriage is like. Yup that’s the story….get married…honeymoon….kids….distance…divorce. This can’t be life.
Well I had an epiphany this weekend when my wife and I spent time with a couple that has been married for 30 years. I was amazed at how engaged they were with one another, how happy they were to still be together, and how they expressed how blessed they were to have each other. I asked them what the secret was and did it take a lot of work and they said very simply:
“There is no secret we just love and support each other and our family and it’s not about work it’s about effort!”
I thought to myself …. WOW…just when I was waiting on a thesis or dissertation line the “answer” was very plain. For some reason, married people tend to be marriage’s own worse enemy…In a world that already too often devalues commitment and marriage and family institutions, married people tend to not understand that other people and the younger generations are watching and begging for permission to be HAPPILY married. But it’s hard to be confident, when you ask a married person about marriage and they tell you about how much “hard work it is” and how “miserable” it can be. Then they tell you about all of their horror stories about infidelity and betrayal and divorce. The husbands talk about how you lose your testosterone and stop getting sex and the women tell you how much the men “change” and become slack. Oh how inspiring!!!
No one ever stops to say that when they were down and out… that their mate supported them to the end.
No one brags about that when they wake up in the morning there is nothing better than waking up to their best friend.
Or, how when they come home they find peace in knowing they can find safety in that person they chose to spend their lives with.
They don’t tell you that their number one teammate and cheerleader is always there for them.
Or, that there is nothing like the freedom and vulnerability involved in having married sex!
They don’t stop to tell you the beauty in the growth of realizing that marriage is bigger than themselves and more about making their mate happy than making themselves happy.
How come no one ever broadcasts those things?
Sometimes we look and ask ourselves why the divorce rate is so high and why so many people seem so unhappily married. Well the truth is that part of the responsibility lies within the perception married people put out there. At some point we must all step back and ask ourselves…if marriage is so bad then why do so many people keep aspiring to it? There must be something to it after all! Like the couple I was with this weekend said…”there is no secret, it’s about LOVE and EFFORT!”
BMWK Fam what other positive things would you tell people about marriage?
Anonymous says
So many people get married and have children because society tells us that’s what’s we’re supposed to do at one point in our lives, but I think people are getting married less these day because they realize they don’t need marriage or children to make them happy. Take actor George Clooney, that man has made it known that he doesn’t want kids or ever get married again after being married to John Travolta wife Kelly Preston, in the early nineties. Or Jamie Foxx who is a self proclaimed bachelor and from the interview he did with Oprah recognized he can’t be faithful to any women, has decided he will never be married, even though he has two daughters by two different women.So if more people would just date and not have children, life seems to be a lot simpler if that’s what they choose.
Marriage is for Champions says
We got married because we wanted to. We saw potential for longevity, and we genuinely cared for each other. We have children now and we feel even more fortunate to have each other and to have the opportunity to be parents. We encourage each other and we have both become more successful because we go through life with our best friend by our side. This has nothing to do with coercion from societal influences; this is about our choices. We choose to honor God, contribute to society by parenting future leaders, and live happily ever after. And as successful as Clooney and Fox are, looks fame and appeances diminish. I am pleased to know that my wife will still be “my girl” when we retire to travel.
jackgirl says
Marriage is not fir the selfish and you my dear are not selfish. Fox and Clooney made their choice. Some people choose to invest in a meaningful relationship ordained by god.Nothing God made is bad the world makes it bad and destroys it.
Troy Spry says
I agree that people don’t need marriage to make them happy and that’s okay but I do also believe that people still get married because that’s what they choose to do. There are great examples of happily married people and happily single people but I just hope to change the narrative away from marriage being such a “bad” thing. Thanks for reading.
Gwen says
My best friend and I ‘celebrated’ our 24th anniversary on 1/27. If 2 people want to be together, they will put forth the effort to stay together. 4 children and 2 1/2 grandchildren later, we still light up each other’s worlds yet have distinct and diverse interests. Marriage is a blessing and a joy that we have passed along to our children, family and friends. When we married it was our 2nd chance at love and a successful marriage. Be encouraged that love can be better…the 2nd time around
Troy Spry says
Congrats Gwen and thanks for reading and commenting!!! Your children will admire your relationship forever and hopefully model it!
Tamara says
Great article!
Troy Spry says
Thanks Tamara!
Finally says
I agree with this article and am thankful that these are the thoughts from a married man!! Thanks again Mr Spry. I think “Marriage is for Champions” is right. However, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and for far too long unhappy people have been yelling the loudest. Truth is, they likely were never challenged to work through why they FELT so unhappy in the first place and didn’t give the happy feelings a chance to return. Happy people go about their content lives and face the challenges, viewing them as opportunities for improvement, knowing that it’ll all work out for the good. They trust in the goodness of intent with good practice, and they understand that marriage is about more than just the individuals involved and the mundane tasks of life that we can get lost in. If more men SQUEAK more loudly, as they are doing on BMWK, this positive image of marriage movement will gain momentum and spread to the hesitant, scared/scarred, and simply “anti” folks who really just need education, support and mentoring to get a better perspective. Men will have to lead this charge because from what I can see, women for the most part, have been holding it down, just hard to find willing, committed, “know they are champions” partners!! Keep up the good work. Que the music Pharrell Williams –“Happy”
Troy Spry says
Thanks so much for reading and for your kind words! I hope to encourage other men and couples to express positive things about marriage!