I’m still processing the fact that Barack and Michelle Obama are no longer in the White House. I miss them. I am sure you do as well. And my disappointment isn’t just about missing President Obama’s leadership (although I do), but it is about what I experienced by watching their lives as a couple. It’s about seeing a beautiful display of Black love in the public eye. We needed to see that as a community in order to dispel the myth that an unhappy marriage is the norm for us. The world needed to see their love. I needed to see it.
In this article:
- You prefer spending time with others over your spouse.
- You are easily annoyed at your spouse.
- Sex is more an obligation than a joy.
- Your spouse is no longer number one.
- You can’t wait for your spouse to leave the room…for a while.
- Fun with your spouse is a thing of the past.
6 Signs You Just Don’t Like Your Spouse Anymore
Through their eight years in the White House, I watched many interviews where they answered questions about politics, marriage, parenting, and so much more. One interview that still sticks out for me is an interview with Michelle Obama where she was asked about the secret to their strong marriage. She simply said, “I really like him…. I like being with him.”
That simple answer spoke volumes.
It made me smile because I thought about my marriage and was so grateful that I was (and am still) able to say that I like my husband. He makes me laugh, and I truly enjoy spending time with him. But then I thought about all the people trying to navigate relationships that may have been founded on genuine love and like, but with time have diminished into relationships where the ability to like one another has faded.
I believe in love. But I also believe that liking your partner is even more important than loving him.
Think about people in your family that you love because—well, because they are family. Now, think about all the characteristics they possess that cause you to not like them very much. Sure, if trouble arises you are there to offer love and support, but the idea of waking up in the same house with them daily makes your head hurt.
Imagine feeling that way about your spouse. Imagine waking up next to someone daily that you truly love but you’ve grown to dislike. It can be painful for sure. Spending a lifetime with anyone shouldn’t be based only on love—it should also be based on liking that person.
So how do you know if you just don’t like your spouse that much anymore? Here are a few signs as well as what you can do to turn things around.
You enjoy spending time with a list of other people much more than spending time with him.
When you first fell in love, you probably enjoyed being with your spouse. But now, several years in, you start to realize that being with him just doesn’t feel the same and you’d rather hang with your friends or go to happy hour after work than spend time with your mate.
You get annoyed every time she makes a suggestion about almost anything.
At one point you welcomed her ideas—maybe you even liked most of them. But now, she makes the smallest suggestion and you want her to shut up because you feel annoyed. And she’s not even really being annoying; it’s just that she annoys you. In an unhappy marriage, even the smallest thing speaks volumes.
Sex starts to feel like an obligation instead of something you truly enjoy.
In an unhappy marriage, physical intimacy is one of the first things to suffer. A once enjoyable and very intimate act now just feels like something you do because you should, not because you want to. And the sex isn’t even bad, but the connection you once experienced isn’t there anymore.
He’s no longer the first person you run to when it’s time to share good or bad news.
One of the best things about being married is having someone to share good and bad things with. When that desire fades, you know things are just not what they should be. Something is wrong.
You genuinely feel happy when she’s not around for a long period of time.
I’ll be the first to admit that the occasional night alone feels nice. I am a bit of an introvert and gather my energy from spending time alone. But despite that fact, I love being around my husband. When your spouse’s long business trips start to feel like a relief, it’s a definite sign that you are in an unhappy marriage and no longer like your spouse..
When you do things together that you once enjoyed, you just don’t have fun anymore.
The cornerstone of a happy marriage is the ability to have fun together. When that starts to diminish and eventually disappears, you can’t ignore that something is off. You should have fun with the person you chose to spend a lifetime with.
What has changed?
Love is deeply important, but it’s not enough to sustain a healthy, long-term relationship. You need like and love for that to happen. When you start to feel like you no longer like your spouse, you have to ask yourself what has changed. Did your spouse do something? Have you changed? Why is your time with him no longer enjoyable? Have you faced problems as a couple in recent years? Is there something you need that you aren’t getting?
Once you get to the root of the problem, you can begin the process of changing things and healing. Your unhappy marriage can become happy again. Through therapy or counseling, you can begin to find out why you no longer like the one you dedicated your life to, and you can take steps to implement small changes that will lead you back to loving and liking the one you chose to spend your life with.
Sure, being open and honest with one another may be all you need, but don’t shy away from getting help. It’s not easy to restore what you once had and you may need help doing so.
BMWK family, what do you do if you feel like you no longer like your spouse?
Editor’s Note: BMWK originally published this post on May 5, 2017. We have updated it for quality and relevancy.
Up Next: How We Went From Fussing and Fighting to Being Happily Married For 10 Years
Loved it so poinient.
Thank you for this eye-opening timely article of truth…I know, any relationship is in a downfall if and when it ever gets to this stage or moment in time…Question is, how do you both get to a place where you two can see and re-create that bond that was once inseparable for your Love to become a like again???
My thought on your question is, it takes 2 people to make it work. If one person is giving 100 percent and the other is not the love will never rekindle. I have been married for over 35 years, and my husband always gave false promises. I must admit I put in too many years, but I am still among the living and I am moving on with my life. Trust me, don’t waste a lot of time trying to beat dead horse! It is simply not worth it!
Wow! This is truly eye opening and thank you.
When my spouse told me he doesn’t like my siblings and never want to go to their house again, when they haven’t even done anything to him. I just look at him different now.
Am a victim of infidelity. I came to join my husband in the state but on getting here. He has associated himself with evil friends. Now we live as a room mate. No communiction, i felt like getting a divorse and start my life all over. I kept on hating him everyday
My husband and I used to be inseparable. Now, it seems as if he wants to spend all of his time with other people. I’ve talked and talked to him about it. He says he will do better but never does. I love my husband, but I really dont like him anymore due the lack of time he gives and communication. I’ve decided to just ignore him and find other things to do that makes me happy. I refuse to begin this year lonely and unhappy.
My question is, how long can you ignore him? Trust me the longer you wait things will get harder. If he really wants things to work out with you, he will put all of his energy in to spend more time with you. Unfortunately, I am learning the hard way. If I had listen to God’s voice many years ago, I would be more happier. Trust me, move on and live your life!
This is a great article. And it rings so true. My spouse only associated with people that didn’t like me or those that insulted me. I didn’t understand why. Then it hit me…kindred spirits. She sought their common ground.
We divorced soon thereafter.
Keep your marriages alive. Never accept those that don’t want the best for you AND your spouse.
I have known my husband for almost 40 years, but married for over 35. I am going to sum everything up. He gives me everything that I want except his time. He has cheated numerous times, and always shifts the blame back on me. I must admit many years ago, I cheated also, But when I gave my life to Christ, no more! I am at the point of hating this man for everything he has put me through. Being a child of God, I am not suppose to have but love. I am done with man. God wants me to be happy, and this is what I am going to do. There will be ups and downs in our lives, but at some point you should love each other unconditionally. I cant and will not continue to fight this battle with him, I am done. I get the blame even when our kids acts out. My mid is so bottled up right now, I want to move, and never look back. I need to be with me someone that truly loves me, and we can serve God together. The longer I remain with this monster, my chances will never get her. Love is everlasting, and if you have someone that truly loves you please save your marriage.