In my previous article, I surveyed Christian men in order to gain clarity on why Christian men date/marry outside of the church. During that dialogue one point was consistently made.
“A man needs to feel needed and valued and most women (not just Christian women) miss this point.”
This very sentiment has been stated by non-Christian men as well. I believe if you surveyed the average woman today, she would state that she takes care of her man and that he knows how much she needs and values him. But does he really?
When I asked the men to elaborate on what “need to be needed or valued” in a relationship looks like, most men stated the following seven things:
The need to feel respected
This equates to relationship validation. Acknowledge and respect what the man brings to the relationship as a positive contribution to the growth and development of the relationship. The man needs to feel as if he is a part of the team.
The need to lead the relationship
They said women need to allow their man to lead the relationship, to step up and take control. They say this doesn’t meant that a woman doesn’t have a say so or equal footing in the relationship. But they say women should allow the man to lead the relationship as the two grow and mature together.
The need to be valued as caregivers, too
Women can’t be the only caregivers. Men want to be caregivers, also. They want to meet the needs of the relationship—and not necessarily her needs. Men want to be acknowledged for how they care for the relationship, which may not be in the form some women recognize. Recognize that the man is bringing something solid to the table, and it should be appreciated.
The need to be valued for who they are
A man wants his woman to appreciate the unchanged flawed person that he is today. He is open to change, but don’t make it your mission to change him. Instead of deciding on your own that the man needs to change and it is your responsibility and role to change him, choose to discuss any discovered flaws, and work together on how you both can change.
The need to be valued for compatibility
A man wants to ensure that he complements and is compatible with his mate. If there are areas of incompatibility, both parties must be willing to work on the things that aren’t compatible in an effort to reach common ground. The key point here is working together.
The need for equality
A man wants to feel like an equal in a relationship despite his income status, education, etc. When a man feels overpowered or controlled by a woman because she feels superior (due to what he may be lacking), he feels manipulated instead of appreciated. He doesn’t feel like his input or presence is valued.
The need to be treated like a man—and not a child
Similar to the need for equality and respect, a lot of men felt they lacked this in some of their dealings with women.
Ladies, if you struggle with this issue, choose to tone down your sharp tongue and biting words and replace them with words, which edify and build your man instead. Speak to a man through your femininity and not through a rough exterior. A soft feminine manner will cause a man to calm down and listen to your point of view. If you come to a man in a sharp harsh tone, he will respond to the tone, as if you were another man and not the beautiful woman you are. Every man I spoke with stated that the woman was the prize. And that most women don’t realize how powerful they are or understand how to use their power.
Just by her very nature and actions, a woman can set the tone for the relationship. A woman’s actions will determine if the relationship flourishes or ends. But so many women don’t choose to use their power for good.
After speaking with these gentlemen, I had to wonder if women have overlooked this key facet in their relationships due to their need to be independent. Most women who declare that they are independent state they can take care of themselves without a man’s help. Could this attitude be contributing to the disconnect in relationships? Could this attitude, lack of knowledge or lack of communication be the reason why men feel that they aren’t needed or valued in their relationships?
BMWK, what do you think?