Growing up I feared, was in awe of and often detested my father. He was stern and mostly emotionless. If and when he did laugh it was at things that weren’t funny. Now that I’m grown we are the best of friends. He is my confidant and my most staunch advocate. But back when I was under his roof and he was putting food on my plate, he often went upside my head first and asked questions later, maybe. I would get even though. I promised myself I would be a different kind of dad. I would show him how it’s supposed to be done.
And then I grew up and filled my house with children of my own.
Although there are countless joys being a father there are certain realities that come with the position. As Dad you are often called to be:
- the project manager – the head visionary with a plan of action for your family.
- the hard-nosed one who has to stick to the plans and make sure every one else does the same when things start to go off track.
- the enforcer of the rules for the kids.
- the one that gets called by Mom while on the job, from the living room, the basement or the game — to do the dirty work once things have escalated to a place where she’s certain she will kill her young.
- a clean-up artist and/or fixer on call 24/7.
Of course there are variances in the above requirements based on individual personalities and arrangements with spouses. But one thing is certain based on the above: As Dad there are days when you will not be liked and no one will want to be around you. No matter how crazy or loud Mom might get, if and when Dad goes on the warpath everyone scatters the way roaches do when the lights are turned on in the middle of the night (yeah, I went there). The second I begin speaking from my diaphragm where the real bass and growl in my voice lives, my children stop making eye contact, walk with their heads down and seek out the comfort of Mom. They murmur that I’m old and crotchety behind my back and avoid me like the plague until they are certain I’m in a better mood. The funny thing is that I’m rarely in any mood at all. I’m just carrying out the less rosy but absolutely necessary aspects of my job. Just as my father used to do after he’d make me regret being born then begin reading the newspaper as if it were a lazy Sunday morning. During these “Bad Dad” moments I use the time I have to catch up on a show I can’t watch in front of the kids or write, undisturbed.
Although I never stay unpopular for too long, I do marvel at the dynamic of how everyone runs to Mom no matter how tough she can be. It reminds me of how I would do the same while living under my father’s roof. But then I shrug my shoulders and keep it moving. I grew up, became a man and then a dad. Now I understand what I once believed was my father’s personality disorder. He was simply doing what he had to do and doing it for my sake. He wasn’t seeking my approval and didn’t care to. He was doing what he thought was best for my well being. Even if this meant me being pruned occasionally. As a parent the lives of your kids are at stake. It’s that serious. I’m cool with not being the fan-favorite because I know I’m protecting and serving the well-being of my children. This is the cross I bear and I embrace it.
How about you? Let us know in the comments section below. Are you comfortable playing “good parent, bad parent” when you need to?
This was a good read. It definitely describes my approach and views towards fatherhood.
Good to hear I’m not the only one out here doing this. And definitely not the only one willing to speak on it.
Very well said Eric! And while you may not be the fan favorite all the time, I’m quite sure you get more than “the big piece of chicken”! Keep doing your thing and letting us know that “We” are NOT alone. Does my heart good when I realize that I’m not the only one who gets it, accepts it, and embraces it.
I love this article. Mostly because although the “bad dad” part is probably the hardest job, but its the thing kids need. I do think there are some fathers who abuse their role as the “enforcer/project supervisor” and that line becomes blurred into the household terrorist…I know because I lived it. I’m also old enough and insightful enough to distinguish between the times when my father was actually being a legitimate enforcer and directing me as a father should(even at his scariest times) and the times when he was simply being downright abusive. The true blessing is a man who knows it doesn’t take the latter to be a good father. Great article.
You’re absolutely right, Nicole. You’ve got to know when to draw the line, when to not “become” the part you’re playing so that you can always step off, move on and instruct rather than control. In my book (please forgive the perfect plug https://amzn.to/ericpayne ) I stress that if you are getting ready to lose sight of yourself in the heat of the moment then you need to leave the situation and maybe even the house and there needs to be someone either your wife, or someone your wife can call who can check you and remove you til you calm down.
Thanks for your transparency.
My oldest son 17, told me a couple of times to “…stay on me. Even if I look that I don’ t like it.” If love is behind it, but children will get it. If the due diligence was done, they draw security from it.
This was a great article. My husband is all of this. Despite not having a dad himself, he really strives to be the best that he can be. I’ve never thought of all the roles you’ve pointed out, but I can see a moment where he has been in each of them.
Printing it out and giving it to ALL my kids. Thanks for articulating my sentiments so clearly and concisely.
Thank you for being a Good Dad and sharing with people that parenting is not about being popular! At many times I hated my MOM & DAD b/c they kept us in check and did not let us get away with ANYTHING. When I was young I hated it and now as a grown woman I LOVE and APPRECIATE them for it. I think this is the true peril of teenage parents, they have not had the opportunity to “get” why their parents where so “hard” on them and raise their children from a child’s perspective. Good work Dad and know that your wife appreciates you and your kids will love and appreciate you…when they grow up 🙂
Thanks so much for this read. Sometimes my hubby makes me feel like I’m crazy when I’m hard on our kids. I don’t accept temper tantrums or disrespect and I believe once children are old enough to understand right from wrong they should suffer consequences for doing wrong. At times my husband wants to be the popular or the comforter and will tell me if front of the kids that I’m being to hard or unfair. This of course causes problems between us and the children. This article helps me to remain strong and know that im not doing anything wrong. I just wish he did.
I love this, cause it sort of hits home. Im a very stern stick to what I say type of dad, but I also love to see my son smile so I do things from time to time just to see it.
Good read. I grew up in a blended family so I kinda got a double dose what your father gave you. Now that I have a child and one on the way, also in a blended family, I guess I will see myself doing the same thing. Thanks, this really helped me understand a few things my fathers did.
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Great article! That’s exactly how I feel with my children. I have to be tough sometimes, but I know what’s out there in the world and I want my kids to be prepared. As a good dad you have to fully embrace both roles and know when to bring either out. Thanks for sharing this with us
Great piece… good reminder for us to not shy away from the less attractive aspects of fatherhood. But it must be done. Thank God you have a union and family where your role as father functions properly.
We must also remember that we are the spiritual heads of our households as well. This, sometimes, is an even less atractive role than that of “Bad Dad”, but it cannot be negected without severe long term consequences.
KT
Brother it functions…now. It definitely wasn’t easy to get up and running. My wife came from a single parent household and was raised in a more “progressive” home than I was. Dad was very involved by because he unfortunately wasn’t in the house he was Santa Claus. So when I naturally started wolfing up over things that I found unacceptable you would’ve thought by her reaction that I was trying to eat my children. But now several years I think we’re all on the same page – most days.
Great! I just had this exact discussion with my sons about their dad. As they get older they will understand and appreciate both of us. As I did with my parents. Dad being stern has kept them on the honor roll, and on a straight and narrow path. I will make sure my sons read this. Thank you.
You’re welcome!
I believe there is a fine balace between strict dad/loving dad. My husband really has it down packed! He is stern with them but he also shows them lots of fun, love and affection. I am so blessed to have him as the father of my children!
Sincerely,
Utokia
http://www.shesgotflavor.com
Really great article, this hit home with me. I know I have a job to do as a father to a 8 year old boy and the duties of job has made me not a fan favorite with him. Since I care about him so much I’m hard on him. Not just to be mean but just to teach him right from wrong so he can grow up to become a positive productive man. He may not like the training now but he will appreciate it later.