When we consider marriage, we hear time and time again about the ingredients that make a marriage work. Love, honesty, trust and communication are a few of those that normally soar to the top of the list. We are also familiar with the actions that lead to the destruction of a marriage. Infidelity, abuse and neglect all go to the top of that list. However, do we ever consider those things that we don’t necessarily see as destroying a marriage, but over time can definitely lead to the wear and tear of a relationship?
Below are the character defects that should be barred from marriage. If you happen to fit quite nicely into any one of these characteristics, don’t fret, there’s hope.
The Score Keeper is most concerned with winning than in what’s best for the marriage. Their ultimate goal is to be right. People in a relationship with this person will eventually stop communicating as a result of never feeling heard or never feeling they have a real opportunity to express their feelings. Taking responsibility and admitting when you’re wrong isn’t always easy, but it’s fair. We all make mistakes but we should learn from them and keep moving forward. We must humble ourselves by considering what the best outcome for the partnership is. Being mindful of our intentions and uncovering our need to win is also helpful. Ask “What can I do in this moment to create peace?” Using that as a guide when you have a strong urge to prove you’re right is true victory.
The Complainer is never satisfied and nothing ever appears to be good enough. The expectation of things not working out is constant. Constant complaints from one partner make the other feel inadequate. For this defect, I recommend creating a list of all the positives in the marriage. Asking questions like “Which awesome qualities does my spouse bring to the table and what are the benefits of my marriage?” is a useful tool. By examining all the ways your spouse puts forth effort makes it easy to stay focused on the blessings. It quickly becomes noticeable how much the good normally outweighs the bad.
The Negative Nelly or Ned is just in an awful mood the majority of the time. This defect is known for draining the energy right out of the room. Others in the home would rather spend time away from home than with their spouse. The outlook is typically dim and hopeless. The main action needed here is to get to the real source of the attitude. Sometimes it’s a matter of not being sure just how to be happy. Asking questions like “Why do I feel the way I do and what can I do to feel better?” Seeking the appropriate outside assistance is sometimes necessary.
The Greedy One constantly looks out for numero uno. Sacrifice and commitment are battles with this defect. It’s always what’s best for them without consideration of their spouse. I will admit, early in my marriage this was my struggle. I cringed when I would hear the word selfish because in some areas it rang true for me and it was not an easy pill to swallow. Making my husband feel he wasn’t as important as I was in the relationship was simply selfish. Seeing the error of my ways allowed me to make my spouse a priority. Asking myself the following questions was also helpful “what can I do today to honor my husband or how can I demonstrate how much I love, support and need him on a consistent basis.” Staying aware of the fact there are two people in the relationship and both have to always feel loved is vital.
The Lazy One neglects contributing the necessary amount of energy and enthusiasm into their relationship. This defect feels if the romance suffers it is okay and if the communication is challenged it doesn’t matter. They are normally not willing to do what it takes to maintain a solid relationship. The questions that need to be asked here are “What does my marriage mean to me and how often do I show it?” The ideal situation is to never allow a marriage to arrive at a state where the romance or communication struggles. But if it does we must be willing to give and do whatever is needed to bring it back to life. Marriage requires our full attention. It won’t work if we half do it.
If you have found yourself having any of the above character defects, remember it is not the end of the world. Here’s the hope I promised. Admitting you fall into the category is the first step. Next is recognizing the behavior has been damaging to your relationship. And last is always making an honest intention to do better. Remember, with that intention comes action! If there is anything harming your marriage, do what you must in order to release it.
BMWK, which character defect has shown up in your marriage and how has it been handled?
Jacqueline says
I love it…especially the selfish part. Being that I am the only female in the house my husband spoils me & that goes to my head a little bit & I have to bring it down a notch. But that is what marriage is about working at it little by little until it is where you want it to be.
Growoffedge says
“Sore” in the second sentence should read “soar”…just thought you would like to know.
Lamar says
We took care of it. Thank you for pointing that out.
Tiya says
Yes, great catch. Thank you
Growoffedge says
Great article. I like the last part about half doing it…I remember reading somewhere that marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. 🙂
Tiya says
Thank you
Ronnie_BMWK says
Great Article Tiya!
Tiya says
Thanks Ronnie!
Kallisa says
Excellent “food” for thought!
Tiya says
Thank you!
Naykishia Head says
I needed this… Thank you!
Valariesgreen0603 says
Is there anything wrong with asking your spouse ” What are some areas in our relationship that I can improve on”….Would this question consider me a “Complainer or Negative Nelly”
Tiya says
Absolutely not, I think that’s an excellent question.
Bernard says
I’m sure I’ve been all five, but I’m trying to make it work.
Betsey says
Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure we all have been ‘each one’ at some point. Just pick one and work on it for 30 days to replace it with a positive attribute.
Veronicasalas80 says
How do you save your marriage if we fall under all defects?
Tiya says
Admitting it is first. Next is being ready and willing to change. Are you ready and willing?
kennethx says
I was reading your site look forward to commenting so far intriging I must say.
laketarenal says
This list of traits really give us pause to think and forces to us to really think about just how committed we are to making our marriages work. The character defects that really stood out to me were The Greedy One and The Lazy One. Some dont stop to think about what it really means to be one flesh and to put someone elses needs above your own. Not say Ill put your needs first after you take care of mine or just when I want something, but at all times. Part of showing yourself committed is also not being lazy and regularly asking yourself how much your marriage means to you and showing that to your spouse. A loving and successful marriage requires both parties to be present in in at all times and not halfheartedly working on it. This is the greatest way to show honor to your spouse and it goes a long way toward keeping the both of you happy.
Gil T says
I love this article and I would only add that all of the above are definitely negative traits. Any one or combination of them IN EXCESS would ruin a marriage! However, they are human traits and I believe we can all agree that everyone exhibits them sometimes rationally and sometimes irrationally. That doesn’t make us wrong or belong on the scorekeepers list because last week I was negative Ned on Mon and Thu and last week Tue you ate all the cake and that was selfish, so our marriage is on it’s way to ruin! So, I guess I said all that to say that I think that anything is tolerable and can be worked out in a loving relationship but the excessive or constant negativity mentioned above would be a problem! In fact, I am a firm believer that even the smallest thing left unsaid over time is like a chinese water torture; a constant random drop every few seconds of water right on the center of your forehead for years…
Stacy says
don’t get offended—when u communicate u always say 1&2 about me
Harold says
This is just great, i know it will help in improving things with my wife. Thanks!