This month an Essence reader shared the fact that she had been with her boyfriend for six years and has yet to get a ring. She went on to say that she was starting to lose hope.
It is a known fact that marriage is not something two people should enter into without giving it a lot of thought. That said, different people have different ideas on how long they should or shouldn’t be dating someone before taking the next step. And some people are comfortable being in a relationship without adding marriage into the equation.
While the reader’s question raises some possible concerns with regards to her situation one can’t help but wonder how long is too long to wait for a proposal.
“You definitely know if you want to or are willing to marry someone after being with them for that long. I hate to say it, but homeboy is playing games. He also knows you are not going to ” pressure” him about marriage. You should not have to pressure him. If the two of you were already on the same page with your goals, values, and the future, you would already be married. The fact that he has not asked you to marry him is truly a big red flag.” ~ Dr. Sherry
For more on Dr. Sherry’s response visit Essence.
BMWK — How long would you wait for marriage?
Kay says
I think you shouldnt have to wait for marriage; if a couple has been dating for like 4 -5 years then I dont see waits the problem. Both should be ready unless the couple isnt financially stable.
Tamika says
If you have been together for that long there shouldn’t be anything holding you back but not being financially stable. I have dated my fiancée for 5 years we talked about marriage but nothing happened until he popped the question. If he still hasn’t proposed to you and has not talked about it then he will never talk about it.
Dee says
My husband & I were together 7 years before we got married. We have been together for 23 years now. Neither of us was rushing to get married but after the 6th year I sat him down and we had a real talk about where our relationship was headed. It wasn’t that he did not love me or was trying to play me. He had just gotten use to the way things were. We got engaged immediately and have been happy since. Men are not psychic, if you are ready to get married then let him know. If he says he is not ready after that then you need to let him go. Do not get stuck in a relationship that you are not happy with.
The El says
So the only option a woman has is to walk away if a man is not ready for marriage?
moni says
I think the better question is ” Are they having ANY discussions about marriage?” What is really expected? in my opinion, if they had been having these discussions she would already know where she stands.
Tiffany says
My husband and I got married after 8 years of dating (1 1/2 we were in engaged). We started talking about marriage in our 2nd year of dating. I know what most are thinking but there are two important factors here. 1. We meet my first year of college. I was in school for 6 years. 2. After college were didn’t have any money to get married and live together as husband and wife. We weren’t trying to spend our newlywed phase living at our parents house. So with that being said we worked hard on getting our fiances together. When we had a little bit of money we went to Vegas, got married, and bought a small condo that we could afford. We’ve been married almost 4 years now. Sometimes things aren’t what they seem. But my husband told me all the time how much he wanted to marry me when the timing was right.
Jocelyn says
It took a year and a half. But we had discussed it early in while still dating that we wanted to get married and have children one day. We attended church together, prayed together, traveled together, visited extended family together and many other things to bond and get to know one another prior to getting married. When my husband proposed, I had just graduated from college and we were not in an ideal financial situation. Became parents the same year we got married. My father-in-law verbally stated shortly after our wedding that they were not ready for us to be married. But we were ready (age 25 at the time). It’s been a struggle but we’re 3 yrs in and 2 kids later, working as a team to achieve our goals.
Outside of being financially stable, emotionally, and mentally ready I think one of the most important factors is that both need to be on the same page. It has always been my opinion that after (5-7 yrs +) that something is wrong. Maybe you’re not on the same page or there are some underlying issues that need to be discussed. If its been 5 yrs for you I think its important to talk and express your feelings about what you want out of the relationship and where things are going esp if it has not happened or things are not progressing.
ConventionalDee says
6 years is entirely too long to wait for a ring. I personally have a 3 year rule. Within 3 years you should have spent enough time together and gone through enough to know if you see a long term commitment with each other. I don’t want to take over the topic, but I expand more on this here: https://bit.ly/M8dbJ3
Thanks for posting great topics that encourage us to dialogue!
LaChae says
Well…..I was in a 6 yr relationship with a man that would give other women the advice of “if he hasn’t proposed to you within 1-2 yrs then you need to walk away….when I asked where our relationship was headed he said we were “different” than other couples and didn’t need to put a time limit on it, and every other time I brought it up he would hang up on me or leave my presence. I believe if a man wants a future with you….he will plan and talk about the future with you and not deter questions about your future….so is 6 yrs too long?! In my case yes because I wasted valuable time….not every man is the same….but be sure to pay attention to the red flags.
cnae says
These situations are completely up to the indviduals involved. I know a woman who waited 10 years before she got a ring, but guess what? She got the ring and is happily married. It’s a matter principle in some cases. If you love the person and the only disagreement is the jewelry and paper the symbolizes your marriage then maybe it’s worth the wait… Upto you what you want and how you want to live your life…
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