It is said that as many as 80% of all marriages could be classified as “sexless”. Sexless – most typically defined as having sex less than 10 times a year. Let that soak in for a second…
This is a conversation I have had with so many friends and couples and usually the focus is on, “Why we are not having sex – enough”. But the truth is, why isn’t as important as how to deal with it. The “why’s” can range from tension in the marriage, stress on the job, hormones, physical distance, conflicting work schedules or long term illness, and at the end of the day a spouse that is lonely because their spouse is physically unable to have sex fights the same fight as the person that’s spouse just isn’t in the mood.
So the focus is on how to thrive and stay faithful to your God, spouse and vows in a sexless marriage.
1. Vent. Holding it in, and/or, not talking about it, doesn’t make the fight easier. If anything, it makes it worse. Your feelings are legitimate and there is a legitimate way to express your feelings and get them out. Tell your spouse how you really feel – really. The problem is not all the ownership of one person or the other, nor does it get solved by one person, alone. Instead, it is a mutual problem and concern of both a husband and a wife, and that might be the best way to approach it. So vent to each other and get to the real deal of your feelings about not having sex enough.
2. Specify Feelings. After we begin to get our feelings out, now let’s get specific. Beyond just expressing frustration or anger or whatever the emotions are, be specific, “This is how I feel, this is when I feel that way, and this is why”.
3. Be Honest. Somewhere along the line I have heard it said that a partial lie is a total untruth – or something like that. The point is that we have to be honest. I know – nobody wants to hurt their spouse’s feelings, especially if the situation is uncontrollable. However, without honesty we rob our marriage of the chance to move forward. Tell the truth in love.
4. Don’t Guess. Don’t try to figure out on your own what the issue is. Ask, let your spouse tell you and then – listen. I find that in any area of my marriage, when I guess, I guess wrong. But if I ask, then I know.
5. Outline Needs. Ok, so we have laid it out honestly on the table. Now what do you both need? Yes the end goal might be “more” sex, but where are the areas of compromise or tipping points? Can, a quiet night on the couch together, sometimes be a good substitute. Or, what does “more” mean to both of you – is it quantity or quality? What do you both need?
6. Find Outlets. Find things that you like to do, either with your spouse or alone. Frustration needs an outlet. And the first place it tends to come out is on the person closest to us – our husband or wife. Join a gym, go for a run, walk, join a sports team, find something or somewhere constructive to let the frustration(s) out.
7. Spend Time. Sometimes all the responsibilities going on in our life make time to be intimate so limited. Spend time together, without agenda or plans for what might happen. Just spend time enjoying each other and get surprised by the stage that is now set.
8. Be Honest With Yourself. When a person feels like they are not getting what they want or deserve, they can be in an extremely vulnerable state. Be honest with yourself, you could be ripe for a fall. The scene from Love Jones when Nia Long broke down how she was feeling to Taye Diggs, when he showed up at her apartment, just flashed in my head…Being in a sexless marriages can carry a spouse to a shaky vulnerable place, suddenly everything seems attractive and what may have never been a thought seems more and more reasonable. Be honest with yourself about how you feel and what you can handle, then look at your wedding ring, think about your kids and call your spouse.
9. Be Happy. Once you vent and get honest about what is going on, find your own happiness. Sex is a real need, but if it is not available, possible or not happening, are you then just resigned to misery? Happiness in marriage starts with happiness within.
10. Be Kind. Don’t lose who you are. Sex brings about emotions that few other areas of a relationship can. So feeling that things are not fair or going as they are supposed to kicks up all kind of emotion. But vow within yourself not to turn on each other but to turn to each other. Being in a sexless marriage is a real fight, but it is winnable if you stay on the same side.
Having unmet intimate needs is not a man thing or a woman thing. Rather it is a couple’s thing. Own it together and work together, whether it is a temporary situation or a longer lasting problem, it is a solvable problem. Yes, a marriage can survive without sex and a couple can overcome the temptation to be overrun by it. Look within, look to each other and look above.
God's Man says
Those are great actions to take when differences in drive are impacting yout marriage. My only quibble is with the statistic at the beginning. I thought that it was up to 20% of couples could be classified as sexless.
Regardless of the statistic it is important for struggling couples to communicate their needs to one another.
Mattie Bryant says
My husband say, it’s the medications. High blood, diabetes, CPAC. Pain meds. No sex in months. He’s 54.
Jill says
We’ve only had sex twice in 2 years. Be grateful. He doesn’t communicate, so for me filing for Divorce is an option
Jill says
Typo O from Jill, 8 years
Scott says
There are many other ways to make your wife orgasm
Lesley says
Married for 30+ years. Husband said he did not want me to have anymore miscarriages. What that actually meant no intimacy in anyway for over 30 years. He is a good man and works hard. He does not give me a thought in this way. I have said we need to go to marriage counciling. No response. I moved out of bedroom this year. As the decades go on my depression and self loathing an inner turmoil accelerate, while going through life. We have no kids.
Judy Goss says
My husband says its the medicine too. He cant get an errection. I feel frustrated.
Had enough of nothingi says
That’s what my husband says, we have t had sex in 4 years! No touching, kissing… nada!! I’m 38 and he’s 64- I can’t take much more- I love him so much but I’m starting to not love myself at all, do I put my mental state first in a marriage?
Dallas says
Fantastic article! Communication is definitely the key. Receptive or not, you need to communicate your feelings to your spouse so then you know you’ve at least done your part. Hopefully the spirit of communication will eventually rub off and it will be reciprocated.
but you have either the wrong actor in mind or the wrong movie. Nia Long was in Love Jones with Lorenz Tate and in The Best Man with Taye Diggs.
Edward says
@Dallas you are right I meant, Best Man. Showing my age, memory is slipping – LOL. thanks for pointing that out.
Rob says
I would agree with this, but it irks me that it’s always pared down to just sex. She thinks that’s all I want and all I care about. And since she alone decides when or if I ever get that, she has all the power.
But my marriage is not just sexless. It’s intimacy-less and affection-less. And I don’t just mean physical intimacy. Not only am I not allowed to touch her, I’m not allowed to compliment her. She’s “independent”, so I’m not allowed to do nice things for her. And even if look at her in adoration she feels uncomfortable. She is closed off and has a guard up at all times. If she didn’t love me, I would swear she hated me.
And that’s the problem. It isn’t just about lack of sex. It’s about how that lack of sex makes the person you claim to love feel. It’s about how my feelings don’t matter, because hers are more important. It’s about how I’m not one of the most important people in her life; it feels like I’m not even on the list.
I would hazard a guess that people who complain about sexless marriages could also complain that their spouse neglects other things that are reasonably expected of a spouse…
Another problem is that if the neglected spouse says anything, he or she is unappreciative, or controlling, or some other thing that amounts to them being made to feel guilty. But truthfully, the “neglector” is a just selfish. A bad spouse. Oh wait, you’re not allowed to say that either…
As far as politically correctness is concerned, there’s no such thing as a bad spouse. No one has to acknowledge when they are wrong, and THAT is the reason for the ridiculous divorce rate. That and the general lack of respect for the institution.
Edward says
Rob you bring up some great points sometimes when intimacy is a challenge there may be some other factors at work. Maybe you and your wife could consider seeing a counselor or minister that can be an objective voice to help determine if there are some other challenges to intimacy that the two of you are unaware of (or aware of). Sometimes childhood and past relationship challenges are in the room with us – and we are not even aware of it. Just a thot.
PrincessTigerlilly says
Edward I can’t quite figure out how to make a direct comment but I am in a situation that’s so hard to describe, let’s call it an attraction less marriage. We make it work. I doubt myself with the longevity. It consumes my focus at times, because it takes focus. It’s a daily internal struggle to choose the marriage and I’m so tired of the “talking myself into love” and “reasoning with myself”. I try to let go to ideals but instead of acceptance of the future I feel depression, when I’m reminded that I’m in a marriage that is void of physical attraction. I need all the help I can get.
dan says
I agree, and feel what this writer is expressing. In my case I think the inability to do nice things for my spouse comes from guilt. I think deep down she feels guilty that she is not meeting my needs, she then doesnt want me making her feel good.
I know first hand how painfull it is to feel neglected from an intamacyless marriage. truth is I am trying to figure out if I can live the rest of my life like this, while staying with my brother.
I married her in sickness and health, under God. I have always seen her as a gift from God. I truely want to treat her that way, but fail at putting my frustrations past me, fail at treating her as a gift. I do not feel I can overcome the feelings of the flesh to enjoy my wife through my soul.
I need help and answere, please God, I pray.
Scott says
I am going through the same thing fortunately for me I have medication to quite my urges. I try to tell my wife that I could still help her and her me right now she refuses sex and gives me mixed signals why. I pray about it and she says she does too. She does not read the Bible on the subject matter I continue to think about other things and I focus on her good qualities I believe god will change her heart if I show her there’s more to us tan sex keep the faith and wait on god
Craig Smith says
I need hope my marriage is sexless because of a mechanical contuon and she feels un marred
Frans says
You’re right on! Some people are basically mentally ill! Very sad! I think your only solution is a divorce!
Fatuma Ali says
Robe, I am a woman and I faced the same problem from my husband.
Gen says
I did google search and found this. My spouse said he was never touching me again. And hasn’t 3 yrs. Because I made him mad about something. Exerted some power. And for 20 plus years was great. After talking with others u conclude that sex is power and used by one that way while the other suffers.
Jennifer says
Many times women are told to not hold back on sex with hubby but in my case I’m not the one holding back it’s my husband. I recently gained weight due to pregnancy and this is his excuse for not being sexual with me. He’s not even being affectionate. I have to ask for a kiss or hug. I feel unloved and neglected. He only texts me when he’s away from home and never asks me how I’m doing. At one point I felt like cheating. The feeling or urge was so strong I had to cry out to God for help.
I was abstinent for 15 years only to enter a sexless marriage and be abstinent again. What’s the point in being married if there’s no sex. If I wanted to be just friends I would’ve told him that long ago. If I wanted a roommate I would’ve gotten one. Out of all the relationships that I have marriage is the only institution where I can have someone to have sex with. It seem as if when single the devil tempts you to have sex but when married the devil distracts you from having sex. And we’re too into our emotions to recognize his tactics!!!
Anonymous says
I too have experienced what you have as far as the total lack of love and affection during pregnancy. My baby is now 9 months old and I’m still going through it. I came so close to cheating, heck I guess some would say that I actually did cheat because I didn’t stop the person from telling me the things that I wanted/needed to hear at first. Lord knows I’ve communicated my thoughts and feelings time and time again. Don’t know what to do now.
Amy says
I understand you ow so well I’m also in a sexless marriage and have deep urges to cheat I’ve been married for almost 27 years and more than 20 years of that have been fighting for sex and now the last year or so there has been no sex no intimacy no kissing no nothing I’m miserable stressed out all the time wondering why I tell him and he says he don’t have feelings for sex anymore I’m so miserable in this marriage trying to hold on to my vowels but it’s killing me
Sheldon says
I’m in great shape and clean cook and live nice but we never go out on dates. At all. She stays home yet never wants to be intimate. I love her and my kids and dog and her parents. I love my life. But no sex sucks. We chose one income so she could raise my kids. I’m always working but I’m fine w that’. But we only go out to dinner w the kids and stay home for 27 yrs. I’m faithful and so is she butvitvsucks. And I’m starting to think I should just cheat and not say anything. Again love my wife. First time venting
Ebony says
Thanks for the article Luvs, it finds me when I need it the most, on today I am outsourcing some really spiritual and come to Jesus advice. I have been married and fully committed for five years now and about 3 of them have been without intimacy. I have broken down several times and told him that he only kissed me or said anything when he was on his way out the door or coming in and that was gonna fade if we weren’t careful. He stopped coming to bed at night and I let him know that time of unwinding after putting the kids down was necessary for foreplay and being able to grow from there into regular sex. He bought me life sized stuffed animals and I asked him if they were supposed to replace him or get me to hush. He was dismissive or unresponsive for the most part about all of it and I learned not to turn to him for validation – thought my heart was winning again. Now we look up years later and he finally notices what I was talking about and says its my duty as his wife to make him feel loved again. He even went so far as to say that he had spoke with several guys on tha job and they all said that they would have been gone by now. It hurt my feelings and I felt like he minimized everything have done as a wife an a mother to HIS lack of sex. Meanwhile he watches porn to get off while reminding me that a wife who withholds her sex from her husband is sinning. And he refers to him sexting and accepting naked pics as “his past faults that you just can’t seem to get over”. I love my husband and know why I signed on but its like he is here but not even here anymore, between fb and candy crush he uses the bathroom for 45 mins at least four times a day inseparable from his phone. I know I need to do what’s best for me but right now I am up at 3am frustrated with heartburn because I was tempted to go through his phone, and I don’t recognize myself anymore. That just isn’t me, period.
I want to leave because Life is causing me to ask for more, and not because of the hurt. But I honestly don’t know where to start. Peace & Love n Life, always!
Anita says
I´m in the same situation, we have been married for 1 year and had sex less than five times. I talked to him but he was mean, I am an immigrant and he was so offensive about my humble origin, saying I shouldn´t ask for anything else, that he has given me a great life taking me and my kids to the US and asking for sex was too selfish, that he can be my provider or my lover and I don´t have the right to have everything because I don´t do anything to earn it. Every day he says he loves me more than anything and anyone, he is a perfect father for my kids, he is respectful but when it comes about us as a couple he´s somebody completely different. This is killing me because my kids are very happy with him but I am driving crazy without that intimacy.
Laura says
Hi Anita, I am also an immigrant who married an American. Sexual problems from the beginning and mental abuse that I shouldn’t compmain about anything or he will send me back to my abusive family of origin. He ended up divorcing me. Many years later, he became a woman and was in jail for molesting/ raping a minor. All I can say is that my ex had no love for anybody. He only cared about controlling me because his own life was a mess. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I learned putting up with abuse is not worth it. Even in the Old Testament women could ask the elders to make the husband divorce her if he took a second wife and didn’t give her the same amount of food, clothing and marital rights. This is basic expectation from a marriage.
Susan says
I can so relate, at first he only wanted sex when is was drinking (which is everyday not sex but drinking LOL) then when I wanted it he brushed me off so long story short we have not had intercourse for maybe 7 years. I have recently mentioned this and he flew into a rage, stating that maybe we should have an arrangement (do not know what that meant), fast forward next day states he cannot get an erection due to medication, and its embarrassing to him to ask his doctor for a solution (I blame his drinking). I asked him if he is cheating on me, just looked at me and said I was crazy, been married for 26yrs, do I get divorced, do I have an affair. IDK
MARIE says
Susan,
If your husband doesn’t satisfied your needs, and talking to him doesn’t help anymore, then make yourself happy. Men need sex more than women. If he is not getting sex from you, then he’s getting sex from somebody else. When a man said, ” you are crazy” then you know, you are correct with your answer. Ask him again, but tell him you can handle it and you’ll always respect him for telling you the truth. Don’t have an affair since having an affair is not the answer for your problems. HE IS DEFINITELY CHEATING. if he’s happy not being intimate with you. It’s just a matter of time for you to find out.
VICTORIA HAYNESWORTH says
I totally agree with you, if i just wanted a roommate i would have gotten one.or a buddy, i abstained from 6 years before getting married and if i would have known i would have held off from getting married,No sex is not all however to not be able to have sex and married is completely not want i signed up for, I Have gotten to the place where i a trying to figure out why? am i still here, No intimacy at all ,yet.And no willingness to discuss the matter as adults.
Susan says
I am in the same boat!!!
mfon says
well, i know someone who’s had a case like this, where her husband cheats and still comes back to have sex with her when he feels he has over pushed her. He doesn’t treat her right or even make her feel loved. today, he says he wants her to loose weight and tomorrow he’s seen with an over weight lady. she has communicated time and again to him, expressed her feelings all she wants, but he keeps having one excuse or the other. I wish there was something new to suggest to her. Lord have mercy!
Dennis says
Brilliant article and well written. I appreciate the fact that this is addressed from an African American point of view.
I struggle with this issue with my wife. It has been a long-term problem in our marriage. I don’t know how to fix it any more and almost ready to give up. When I attempt to discuss this issue with my wife, it is met with cold resistance. I have considered an affair but do not want the complications surrounding that. Counseling is probably not an option but I have discussed that option.
CJ says
I know my husband loves me, but I don’t think he’s in love with me anymore. We are definitely a sexless couple. I’m lucky if sex happens 1-2x a year. Early this year I had major surgery, that I actually found myself praying that I wouldn’t wake up from. . This way my husband would be free to find a more suitable wife and companion. I never realized you can be married and still feel so utterly a lone.
chuckdaly says
Most articles on the subject mistakenly assume sexless marriages hinge on a mutual disagreement. Unfortunately, it always involves one spouse neglecting the sexual and sometimes emotional needs of the other. There is no way to “Thrive” in a sexless marriage. One can suffer through it, cheat, or leave. Testimonies of couples who convert to a more sexually fulfilled relationship are so rare, they are just short of being viewed as urban legend. The best advice I’ve read has been to discuss the issue immediately, put the option of divorce on the table, and make a set of rules and timetable to solve the problem. Time is of essence. Eventually, the pain from neglect, low self esteem, and resentment, destroys all the trust and patience needed to save the marriage.
Renata says
Im currently in an relationship, I know he text other woman alot. And its hurtful. And it’s a form of cheating. He doesnt touch me anymore and it hurts so bad. I’m in a low place …. of loneliness., low self esteem and feeling empty. I cry…
Sandra Lockhart says
I agree I’m there and after 29 years and 4 kids I thought It would change but it never did only got worse resentment at an all time high Divorce seems inevitable I tried
Laura says
Well said.
anno says
I am having sexless life for 6 months. wife says she loves me but she had crush on someone which she is trying to defend as past life connection and unable to come out mentally. Though there is no response or feelings to her but she refused to have normal relationship. She soesn’t want divorce as she is dependant on me but everytime pretend that she is caring about us . we have 11 yrs old son as well. Not sure, if she is mentally sick or just playing with us. Lots of discussion happened, she says that she needs time but unwilling to give any date. She developed habit of watching horoscope most of her time everyday and gets influenced by that.
How long should it continue? Do you think there is any future in dragging this relationship
Sarah says
I am a Christian woman. My marriage has been sexless for 5 years now. We’ve been together for 30 years. I’m 57 and he’s 66. Since he’s not able to have sex because of health issues. He has shut down on doing anything. I have talked, begged, everything. I’m to the point that I want to look elsewhere. I get no tomance. Nothing.
Sarah says
I’ve prayed, talked, cried, been supportive. My husband can’t have sex because of medical issues. So I’ve suffered for 5 years now. My desire is beginning to get the best if me. I’m trying to be a good Christian wife about this. He has basically shut down. We don’t go out. He never plans anything to compensate for this. I’m at my wits end.
Kami says
I am going through the same thing and I have talked and talked to my husband about it nicely. He doesn’t even seem to realize there is a problem, I travelled to have our baby for 5months and when he saw me nothing, not even cuddling, he wud push me away. I’ve tried all sorts but he will push me away and saw he is not in the mood, I haven’t put on any weight, rather in even loosing weight due to worry. I am trying hard so God doesn’t get angry with me, I am lost I’m 34yrs old and he is 47yrs old! I’m at the prime of of my sexual life. Is it really fair? I have suggested therapy he doesn’t think it’s necessary, I suggested speaking to somebody like a pastor he says no. That’s where I am. In a dark sad lonely place.
Laura says
Kami, I pray God guides you to the right person. A pastor I saw when I was separated completely validated how I was feeling, rejected by my husband who shut down sexually. I can count in one hand how many times we had sex that first month or two and this was after dating for many, many celibate years.
Pastor encouraged me to ask my husband to see him. After a few sessions, I went to see the Pastor because no progress was made. Pastor told me I knew how my husband was and I married him anyways. Then he finished it off by saying that may be marriage is not to make us happy but to make us holy, quoting the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. This is what I call spiritual abuse and it did nothing but rub salt on my wounds. For one, iI knew mu husband was passive and not very passionate but that is way different than being asexual. How was I supposed to know my husband will stop sex completely after marriage if we were not even sexually active for years before marriage due to my convictions? What’s more, the book he quoted has a whole chapter on what a gift sex is. Be careful with the advice you get from the church. For me, it was nothing but guilt tripping with expectations that the neglected spouse upholds marriage vows when the other spouse has clearly abandoned the marriage. No consequences for him at all. I ended up divorcing him. This was my second husband. First one had similar issues and he ended up becoming transgender years after the divorce. Can you imagine how bad I feel about myself that I can’t seem to find a man that wants to be a real husband?
Alison says
I’m there with u, I feel so alone, just in need of intimacy. We’ve been married almost 20 years and I’m so unhappy because of this issue.. he makes me feel like it’s my fault. I don’t wanna divorce but im starting to realize that I don’t deserve to spend my life with a roommate for a husband, I don’t wanna spend anymore time miserable and I know I need to give this some thought. This is unhealthy for me and im starting not to recognize myself anymore. The reality of it all is that he is selfish
Marie says
Kami,
You are not in the dark. The problem is you love him, but his heart belongs to someone else. Get away from the dark since your real love is somewhere else.
You are being his default.
Ann Crawfins says
Hello, my name is Ann. I am a Christian and a Minister. I am married to a Pastor and we have three children, Enough introductions, LOL. I have been in a completely sexless marriage for at least 5 years now. There is no intimacy or touching or anything…my husband says he loves me and I love him but it is just now happening. he makes promises…they are broken EVERYTIME!!!. I feel very hurt, rejected, lost, and just confused. Some days I am fine but others I am angry because I feel backed in a corner…I am emotionally spent and dont know what to do….how do i fix this?
Sarah says
Ann I’m really sorry to hear of your struggle. I too have a sexless marriage and I can tell you what I’ve been told. Don’t make sex the goal, make connection the goal. Plan time to spend together naked and being playful and cuddling but with zero expectation of sex. Offer him a massage with no expectations. My therapist says expectations kill erections. It could be he is scared of maintaining his erection. It could be a health issue. It could be lots of things. But don’t worry about that at first — don’t try to solve his problem. Just try to increase the time you can spend together touching in nice ways. This can help build connection and perhaps build to more love making.
Carmelita says
If you are in aasxkess marriage most of the time it is impossiboe to get them to cuddle at least in my case.. we’ve only been married a year and most of the year was spent trying to address vthis issue that he is non chalant about. he says he just is not in the mood anymore and won’t do anything to help the situation…I am 42 he is 55, I have decided that I will not invest into a sexless marriage…He admitted that he did things to get me including being affectionate and loving..I am not being trapped like this….to the ones who have spent so many years in an unhappy no affectionate marriage, I don’t know how you did it..I can not.
Carmelita says
Sorry for the typos
Judy says
I have suggested laying necked with no expectations but he responds with facial expressions like I’m asking for the impossible. I feel so alone and not understood.
Yaya says
I too am in a sexless marriage. I have been told everything from he is not attracted to my mindset to its too much pressure. I don’t even bring it up anymore. It has killed my self esteem. Because I honestly never knew anything was wrong with my mindset. So I sent know how to change it. I have also felt like I am going insane trying to push through life without the relief of an organism. I am tired of masterbation I need the real thing! Of I cheat on my husband I will be dead wrong. If I don’t he will leave me anyway because I cant be my normal self without sex. And if I leave him for not giving me sex I will be wrong. I honestly think it’s my body that is not attractive. I have a stomach and he is accustomed to women that have plastic surgery . I don’t think my body turns him on. I don’t know what to do at this point but contin to be miserable. And don’t say we need to talk because been there done that he gets pissed if I keep bringing it up. I have to just suffer until he magically desires to bless me with some. This feels terrible as a women who has always been considered a prize. Ironically I sure do not feel like one now.
Jean says
I’m so torn. I definitely love my husband. We’ve been through so much. (It would take a book to tell you all that) My husband has extreme low testosterone which causes extreme difficulty when it comes to sex. During an outside interest he has taken and tried various things to function some which caused other health issues. But now he does nothing to help with the problem. I feel he’s just not attracted to me. I have gone without sex for years except a little something maybe 4 times a year. We have fun together and always give smooches and always say I love you’, hold hands and everything. But when it comes to sex.. NOTHING.. Our marriage seems to be full of love but no love making. God knows this is difficult. For sex is the glue that helps hold marriages together. Sometimes I wonder where the true love iOS since he put forth an effort to be able to please another woman but none to please me. I have to admit, I’m tempted to accept an alternative.
Jean says
If your husband is not attractive to you why won’t they just say what it is that’s the problem. For having conversations over and over again about how you want to he held and touched and hearing them say they’re attracted to you yet they do nothing to fulfill your needs can push you to the edge. If it was the female not taking care of her man it would understandable and in some circles encouraged for the man to seek fulfillment else where. I see how my husband look at other women. So it’s not that he’s not interested. It seems just not in me. What kills me is that we get alone so we’ll and have so much fun together and actually enjoy each other’s company. And he’s very affectionate towards me. People on the outside always comment on how appear to be so in love. I’m starting to feel that he no longer see me sexually. Previously ( years ago) we had great sex. It was exciting and fun exploring each other. Then it all slowly changes when he got involved with someone. And it hasn’t been the same since. I’ve encouraged him to just go and be with her and be happy. But he swears it was only sex. Which breaks my heart. For the relationship went on for years and I wasn’t aware.. For she was willing to sneak around with him and be deceptive being fully aware of me from the beginning. SMH. I guess he gave it all to her, trying all the different meds, now he has nothing left for me but hand holding and smooches.
Chris says
I have had sex with my wife in 8 years. She has not hugged me in 6 years. You keep noting how talking is important, but what if she says that the act of talking is an act of rape. She says that it’s a form of abuse to talk about sex. She says that normal behavior for all couples is to be respectful and leave it alone. She says that couples who claim to have sex more than once a year are lying just to save face and not wanting to be judged.
Mama Nkima says
If i was a man and not married and read this comment, i don’t think i would want to marry anyone whatsoever.
What on earth is the reason behind your stay in such a toxic marriage? She clearly does not know anything about protecting her marriage i don’t see the reason why she deserves your protection. She does not talk, She makes you feel like the wrong one even if she is.
You leave one life. One only one. Just make sure you don’t leave a life you will end-up regretting because you were so determined to make someone happy (whom never thought you also deserved to be happy)
The only one to regret will be you since her asexuality suites her and she never lucks.
VICTORIA HAYNESWORTH says
I totally agree with you, if i just wanted a roommate i would have gotten one.or a buddy, i abstained from 6 years before getting married and if i would have known i would have held off from getting married,No sex is not all however to not be able to have sex and married is completely not want i signed up for, I Have gotten to the place where i a trying to figure out why? am i still here, No intimacy at all ,yet.And no willingness to discuss the matter as adults.
Jes says
I am torn and confused. We are married for 25 years now. My husband is 67 and I am 47. We are sexless for almost 7 years now, due to that my husband has low libido and has high blood pressure. Despite our situation, i understand my husband’s problem. But I am contented with our marriage life even though we are no longer having sexual activities., but we kiss, we hug, we hold hands, but most of the time we discussed only about the business. We seems happy together. We have 2 grown up sons. I devoted my time to take care of my husband’, take my 2 sons, make sure that they grew as sensible men, help our business as well as taking care of our property businesses. I thought I have succeeded. Little did I know that my husband was playing with other women behind my back. Last couple of weeks, I notice that he had asked his doctor to prescribed him with 4 tablets of viagra. But he did not talked to me about it. After I returned from my oversea trip, I notice that the 4 tablets of viagra is no longer in his cabinet. When I ask him about it, he tried to deny it, but I took pictures of it. Finally he have given me an excused that he needed to take the 2 tablets as advised by his doctor to treat his stress? But the 2 tablets he throw it away, because he had muscle pain effect for weeks of the first 2 tablets that he has taken? What a lame excuse, infact he did not really complain of any muscle pain to me at all. This really shattered my confidence totally. I am angry and began to distrust and hate him. I am even planing now to file for a divorce. It hurts me so much…
Broken trust
David J LaMattina says
I am a disabled veteran who served 13 years and deployed 8 time’s overseas and we’ll I had two brain tumors removed from my puitiary gland and we’ll first surgery I was 27 and 31 on the second one to be removed from my brain. Now my wife is such a jerk she is so dam rude cause before my tumor was removed we would have lots of sex and now we don’t at all cause well it’s very hard for me to get aroused oe even get it up anymore since I lack testrone and take gel meds for it and we’ll she is always going off on me thinking I am fooling around on her but I honestly don’t do that type of thing I try to be the best husband I can but she doesn’t ever get it and we fight alot so any advice what I can do cause this has been going on for 3 years now and she doesn’t get it and I don’t find her attractive anymore because of her nasty rude ATTITUDE towards me but I still get it up and it can be from watching a twerking video on YouTube or seeing a sexy woman who is nice to me but I can’t cheat on her but I want some type of advice on how to cope with this issue please help me with this issue thanks for everything..
Sarah says
I’m sorry your wife is so rude to you. My guess is that it has been very difficult for her too, seeing you change. It sounds like you are both really hurting. She may be being rude and offensive because that’s easier. What I mean is, if she’s rude then she is in control — she’s turning you off to her on purpose because it’s too painful for her to feel rejected by you. I’m not saying you are rejecting her but with your change in libido it may be how she feels. My advice is to see a marriage therapist who can help you to see and hear what you can’t right now. I would also suggest that you take a 30 day challenge of sorts where you think and say only positive things about her. Might help to have a buddy in this. Write down 1 thing every day that you love and appreciate about her. Move toward her in gentleness and love. I hope this helps and that God heals your marriage.
Abram mead says
Found this following a link for my Communication class,I been married since I were 18, I m 58 now, so the wife and I seen good times and bad. But I would through a marriage could be sexless, she is my best friend my lover my everything, sex is not something we give much though if one want to we both do it we share everything it hurt to read of so many hurting and lonely and yet selfish people, it like food or air we all needs afflection
judy says
Wow!! Your insensitive to our feelings
Russell Warnke says
I have been in a sexless marriage know for 6 yrs. , i mean totally sexless. We have been married for 40years, know my wife has no passion at all for me . I am a human that needs intamacy, passion, love and yes sex. I really don’t know what to do. I ask her to try therapy, that is a no from her. We are both 60 years old, her fire has burned out, but mine is still flaming. What can i possibly do ? Believe me I have tried everything and i don’t want this marriage to end ,
Kevin Orsini says
I gave up on her lack of interest in sex 10 years ago and found someone with needs like me. I don’t feel bad as she says she could do with or without and it’s been too many years without so I do something about it. No regrets and don’t care as she can continue to do without while I have my needs satisfied! It’s that easy for me…
susan says
Our situations mirror one another, glad I am not alone!!!
Danny says
I have tried all of this. We’ve talked, we’ve yelled, I’ve been through the ‘all you want is sex’ stuff and explained it’s body contact, kissing, any physical affection, it’s got to the stage that our relationship is completely without physicality.
She is happy with it, she is aware I’m not.
The rest of the relationship is sound.
I have had 6 affairs and many prostitutes.
I am aware people will call it passive aggressive, but I think it would be good for me to say, if you bury your head in the sand and ignore sex, this is what will happen eventually. It just is. It’s a need, not a luxury or a tool to be used to get what you want. If you ignore the needs of the person you’re rejecting within your relationship. They will cheat or leave. Which would you prefer?
Lance says
Wow. I can relate. I am amazed at how many women are the ones suffering in a near sexless marriage. My wife will engage if/when I really express my need, but what fun/satisfaction is there in that..Like tennis, your partner needs to hit the ball back for it to be a satisfying game. I have been blessed by God in numerous ways beyond measure. Among many other blessings my life and wife is wonderful is so many ways. I don’t think it is her fault she is the way she is. I think it is a handicap. Things could be so much worse. This is a first world problem. But, this is not the way it is supposed to be. Only because of my faith, understanding and knowledge of God, and all of the things He has blessed me with (save this one issue) can I endure this lack. My marriage would be so much more fulfilling for both of us, if it was not for her lack of desire for sex!
Joey says
I am here, on this site, because this has been an issue for 20 of our 25 years of marriage (we are both 45). I am googling, looking for articles, advice, words of wisdom, that could help. For us, yes, we only have sex maybe 5 times a year, but it’s the lack of intimacy that hurts and is painful. We haven’t kissed since our wedding, hugged, held hands, nothing, In years. And I have to pursue her, only to have sex once every 20 times. Her rejection to me just wanting to hug her is like a knife in my heart. Although this has been going on for years, and I have mentioned over the years, I have only begun to talk about in detail aver the past year. She is extremely upset with me and claims I’m having a midlife crisis and is playing the victim. I told her, “no, it’s not. Midlife crisis, I’m just dealing with like I should have 20 years ago” like a few of you, we have mainly a decent marriage, 3 adult daughters, 2 vacations a year, own cars, own a nice home, we come off to our friends And family as the couple who has made it. Little do they know. When I bring it up to her, she says “I can’t change” if we can discuss this and she really can’t, then I will extend grace to her. I am just finding it very hard do believe that she can’t, and mainly that’s due to the fact that I don’t believe she has tried.
Advice is highly coveted.
Signed,
Sad man in VA
Katie says
If God is first in your lives.. what happened to your commitment before God? God did not say if you get married there would be no problems! There will always be problems. Marriage takes two.. it takes a give and a take. It is not selfish: and does not mean your sex life will always be perfect! I believe each person is responsible for helping the other person with their needs! Marriage is about serving the other person;!
Reading all these stories about sexless/unromantic relationships breaks my heart! Vow today to serve your spouse! Be there for each other; love them! Life can be short! You have a gift right in front of you! Open the gift and see what’s inside! May God bless all these marriages! BUT… only GOD can give us everything we need! Run to HIM not elsewhere!!