Should I submit to my boyfriend? That’s the keyword, boyfriend.
This question alone, reminds me of an eye-opening experience with my ex-fiancé.
It had only been a few weeks since he’d proposed and I was still floating on air. I was only 20 years old and was a good church girl. I loved the Lord and my Sunday Best outfits followed the dress code of my church. I was very soft-spoken and obedient to authority. I had so much to learn but at the time, I thought these qualities added up to being a good, submissive wife.
I quickly learned these things would actually make me more vulnerable to emotional, verbal and spiritual abuse.
My ex-fiancé was picking me up for church and I was running a few minutes late. As I ran down the stairs of my apartment to let him in, I watched his face harden with anger. I thought he was mad that I was making us late for church. I soon found out he disapproved of my outfit and demanded I change my clothes, otherwise he wouldn’t take me to church.
I was confused. My skirt was ankle-length. My shirt was tucked in. (I looked a holy, hot mess!) I was neat. Respectable. Appropriate, in my opinion, and I told him so.
He asked me, coldly, why wouldn’t I submit to him and do what I was told. He continued by reminding me that this was my role as a wife: to submit to him.
Something inside me knew that this was wrong, but I didn’t know how to answer him. He made me feel that questioning him, was questioning God. I stood my ground and refused to change my clothes. My fiancé was so angry that he didn’t come to church with me that night.
I wasn’t so strong the next time he used anger, fear and manipulation against me when he didn’t like my outfit. I was afraid of losing him, so when he told me “I have a certain way I want my fiancé to look.” I replied, “I want to be what you want!”
I almost lost myself in that relationship because I didn’t understand these three things about submission and dating.
1. Submission is only for marriage
Sex isn’t the only thing you should save for marriage! The Bible instructs a wife to submit to her own husband, not a woman to a man.
2. Submission is not about control
It’s not the husband’s job to make his wife submit. It’s her responsibility to choose to submit and under no circumstances is she required to submit to abuse.
It’s the husband’s job to love his wife as Christ loved the church and as he loves his own body. This is a love that is obsessed with giving, not getting, with using words to uplift and bring out the best in the other person, not tearing someone down. It’s a love that accepts, understands and celebrates a woman for who she is.
If this love is not present, then a wife has the God-given responsibility to draw clear boundaries.
3. Submission is not an excuse for spiritual abuse
The spiritual abuser uses power and control instead of love and respect to get you to change. He manipulates with scriptures, fear, guilt and shame and leaves you doubting yourself and your relationship with God.
The bottom line is, when you have to change who you are to please the people around you, you probably need to the change the people around you.
BMWK, Have you ever submitted to your boyfriend?
Sub (to be under)mit(mission) if u understand and shre his mission for the both then why not?
No, a woman shouldn’t submit herself to her boyfriend just like a man shouldn’t love his girlfriend as Christ loved the church and as he loves his own body. She is suppose to submit to her husband only like she has submitted herself to Christ. Submitting to your husband is yielding to his authority as the head of the household and not to be used for control. Everything that a husband tells his wife to do is not him being controlling but him leading the relationship when the two of you can’t agree which is when you are suppose to submit to him and 100% support the final decision whether you agree with it or not. When you tell your husband or other people that you run the household, this shows that you haven’t submitted to your husband and are not doing your duty as a wife or Gods will. Most women today do not submit to their husbands but are defiant to him and expect the husband to still love her as Christ loved the church which doesn’t work. Being defiant to your husband is not standing up to him like most women believe and say to justify not submitting to him which is only an excuse. At the end of the day, submit to your husband and not your boyfriend and love your wife like Christ and not your girlfriend.
Excellent article and kudos to you for recognizing the truth about submission!
A very good article. I just wish the people who need to read and consider it would do so. The “submission button” is often pressed by people who don’t understand the context of its use in the Bible. A tyrant will always have an excuse. I’m so glad the author discovered the truth about the boyfriend before her self-confidence was completely eroded. Shame on men who use the church as a ruse to mistreat trusting and compliant women ! It makes me applaud those who take their role as the head, imitating Christ’s example even more-so.
I agree that women should not submit to boyfriends as to a husband because that is not what the scriptures were stating. For instance, I do not believe your boyfriend should be manipulating your life decisions and forcing you to obey him and threatening or belittling you when you do not agree with him. However, I do understand that there are times in a courtship when you must begin to show submissive behaviors or allow the man to lead in order to gain a better evaluation on if this is a man you can submit to/marry. I always ask myself questions like does he make good decisions, does he make decisions that are considerate of my feelings and needs or what kind of leader is he all together. Nevertheless, this should always be performed with much prayer and guidance from God and trusted counselors and never because you are desperately trying to please a man.