In my coaching practice, I often come across couples who don’t know how to communicate or even how to get along. I guess I come to expect that lots of couples have hurdles to overcome. But, recently it broke my heart to learn that three of my associates decided that their particular hurdles weren’t worth the fight and called it quits. Of course I wish I had known and was given the opportunity to support and assist. But, I can’t help but to wonder if they had people in their lives that encouraged their marriage. I’m talking about people that were close enough to push them to try harder. The kind of people that didn’t pry and keep confusion going, but who were friends of the marriage. How many times have we heard that it takes a village to raise a child? Well, we need that same village to support our marriages. Today, it is too easy to walk away. Some of us have friends and family who are quick to say “girl you don’t need him” or “she’s just holding you back”?
When what we should be hearing is “Girl, have you really given this marriage your all?” or “You should really try and work this out”. How many friends and family do you have in your circle that will say that to you? It is crucial that we surround ourselves with people who believe in marriage. People who can see the big picture; that healthy marriages produce healthy families and healthy families produce healthy individuals.
BMWK, how do you support your other married friends? Do you encourage them to work through or walk away? How do others support your marriage?
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing Personal Coaching Service, creator of the Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. She lives in Chicago with her husband and two daughters.
Roger Madison says
Tyra,
This is a very interesting concept, but it makes all the sense in the world. We all struggle with many types of relationships — family, social networks, work, community, organizations, etc. Of course, the most important relationship is our marriage. It is very difficult to help another couple without “meddling” — especially if they didn’t invite the input.
We have been married for 43 years, and enjoyed the blessing of a good relationship for pactically the whole time. Over the past 15 years, we have been attending an annual marriage retreat with our church family. This retreat recently hosted 150 couples. While not intended to solve problems over a weekend, it is interesting to reflect on the topics over the past 15 years. This “village of married couples” comes together to celebrate our victories in a challenging world.
Of course, at a local level, some have thought of us as role models, and come to us for advice. We are very cautious about advising people. More often than not, we share some of the materials we have been exposed to in our marriage retreats. I have found that object third party advice helps couples work toward some common goals. It helps to avoid the perception of taking sides when we are not trained marriage counselors. Our success doesn’t always translate easily into other relationships. Our role in the local village is to be a role model.
Couples who have a village of other married couples to spend time with, model, and share can use this village to strengthen their marriage.
Roger Madison
Harriet says
My husband and I surround ourselves with successful marriages. My parents were married 28 years before my father died. Our pastors have been married almost 25 years. The couple down the street have been married 9 years, and there’s another couple we chill with that’s going on 12 years. Then we have couples that got married shortly before or after us that we discuss marital issues with, and we also help our friends that just got married and are going through the unpleasantries of the honeymoon losing its luster. LOL This is so crucial, but I never thought to add the “village” cliche towards marriages. What a brilliant concept, Tiya!
Staycee2 says
I recall CLEARLY when my husband & I were in pre-marital counseling that our pastor said “DON’T TALK TO YOUR SINGLE FRIENDS ABOUT MARRIED FOLKS PROBLEMS”!!!! I totally agree 100%!!!!!!! My married friends & I seek each other for resolutions and/or advice!! My married friends are my village and we love each other unconditionally for the support!!!
Tara says
@Staycee2 – I JUST learned not to talk to single people about married folks problems. I’m 23, and so I don’t have many (okay, any) married married friends my age, which is hard. So if I complain to a single friend that I wish just ONCE my husband would take out the garbage without being asked (just an example) then all I hear is, “You deserve better…why does he treat you like that?” I wish I had that village. It is crucial to have people who understand what it’s like to try to honor a vow like “Til death do us part.” That’s a level of committment most people can’t fathom…
Btrfly414 says
@Roger…thank you for being an example to other married couples. Your transparency and honesty can make many that you mentor feel as though you and your spouse are “village royalty”. @Tiya the village is an awesome analogy to use. In a marriage you constantly need the support and encouragement from other positive married couples. My husband and I facilitate a married class and each class of couples has the responsiblity to stay connected after the course. Since each couple has shared their marriage story during the course, the other couples begin to serve as encouragers and accountability partners for years to come.
Aja says
Staycee and Tara, I agree completely with not talking to single people about married problems and I’ve also found that even with married people you still have to be really careful with who you talk to. At this point, I do have a lot of married or engaged friends which makes me kind of feel like I have a village, but I also try to have people around me that I trust to talk to that have been happily married longer than I have (happily is key, people in bad marriages can be worse than single people to talk to most of the time)Most of the time they have been there before and can offer you some better advice than just to walk out.
Tiya says
@ Roger, that is definitely a new goal of mine, to be a role model for other married couples. You put that so well, thank you. It’s true we are not always invited in, but if other couples can look at a strong, beautiful marriage and want to emulate that, that’s even better.
Thanks Harriet & Btrfly, it is a must that we surround ourselves with people who truly believe in marriage.
@Stacee, Tara & Aja, I am with you all, we have to be really careful who we share things with about our marriage. Aja, that’s true, people in bad marriages can be a whole lot worse than the single folks. You just have to make sure that whether they are single or married, it is someone that truly cares about your happiness and want what’s best for you.
busybodyk says
Most of our close friends where we live aren’t married but they are extremely supportive of our marriage. Many of them have admitted to us that they look at our marriage as a role model for what they want and they would be crushed (one even said she would need therapy LOL) if we ever got divorced. I’m thankful to have them in our lives. They make us appreciate what we have.
My husband and I are very supportive to our married friends. My husband grew up with a group of guys who have been friends since they were in elementary school (over 20 years). Over the last 8 years we’ve all been to each others weddings and even though we don’t live in the same area we’ve been a big support to each other. We’re like family. Just this last summer we went to the last wedding of the group and while we were happy to welcome the newest couple into the fold we were sad that we would miss getting together every year for someone’s wedding. Now we’re planning to have an annual summer trip so we can get together. I couldn’t resist sharing this pic of the guys showing off their ring fingers at the last wedding: https://tinypic.com/m/6h0xme/3
Jonesi says
Having a village to support your marriage is crucial…but though we are talking about friends, try coming from a family of ALL single women! Though they all support our union, having a close confidant in my family is non-existent and a bit lonely. I take not consulting unmarried people very seriously and it’s the #1 advice I cling to. So, for those who’ve gathered trustworthy couples in their lives, how do you determine who to let in? What qualities in a couple attracted you to them as examples? Seems like a very strange or silly question, but of all the married people I know, other than a couple I know through my mom whose been married almost fifty years, I don’t know anyone reach out to from observing their relationships.
Roger Madison says
Jonesi,
You make a very important observation about reaching out to others. marriages are very intimate relationships where not very much should be shared with outsiders. The dynamics of all of our relationships are such that no one truly understands the particular real keys to success with your spouse better than you. What works for others may not work for you.
When it comes to role models, they often are not what they appear to be from afar. The best way to share your bliss with others is to do so on a very specific basis. There may be a couples you go out with to jazz or sports, another which shares a professional connection, and another older couple who attends your church. So, you have dinner friends, church friends, and professional friends. In each case, the advice you would ask and share would be different. My recommendation is to keep your privacy sacred, and limit the access to your relationship to positive contributions that you may have in common.
Role models are for observation and consideration only. Some matters require professional counseling, and you should recognize when the help you need goes beyond friends. Don’t dump your problems on your friends, and don’t let them do the same with you.
This approach has served us well for 43 years of marriage.