by Ayanna Black
Church hurt is one of the most confusing and hurtful things a person can go through. One has a mindset that hurt shouldn’t be present in the church. That mindset is correct in a perfect world but as we know the devil is always searching to and fro seeking whom he can devour. (A paraphrase of 1 Peter 5: 8) Fortunately my family experienced church hurt. I know you may be saying why are you saying fortunately? I say fortunately because it taught us a life lesson. We learned the true meaning of faith, trusting God in spite of what our physical eye may or may not see. In our wilderness experience we realized that God was just moving us into another phase of our Christian life.
Sometimes our hurt makes us feel as though things in the church are done to destroy us. Or we feel some things and/or people are being hypocritical in the church so we don’t care to go or be a part of that. Oh yes this is what the devil meant but God’s purpose is to make us stronger. We could have chosen to let our hurt defeat us and keep us away from church but we decided as a family that we still needed God and wanted to be in church. Getting pass the hurt wasn’t easy but through prayer we made it through. Here are some tips on helping your family survive church hurt.
1) PRAY and stay in your bible
Keep your family’s prayer life in order. This is one of the most challenging parts of the survival process. Without that constant connection with God the battle will be lost. You will hear any and everything that will discourage your family. But you must pray for a sound mind and to only hear the voice of God.
2) Stay out of other folks business
I was watching “Lift Every Voice” with CoCo Brother on BET when Shaunie O’Neal appeared as a guest. She said one of the things that helped her through her divorce was her pastor and his prayers. He was there for her the whole time however she didn’t want to go to church because she could feel that people were talking about her. She went on to say church folks can make you feel uncomfortable. We must be sure that our conversation is one that is encouraging. Yeah you may think certain things are a shame but the job of the church is to uplift. As Christians we need to help build up our brothers and sisters when they are down instead of gossiping about them. Gossip can break a person’s spirit. I’d hate for the Lord to tell me to kick rocks on judgment day because I was gossiping and turned someone away from the church. As my late pastor used to say take six months to mind your business and six months to stay out of everyone else’s and you’ve got the whole year covered!
3) Talk to your children
Train up a child in the way he should go so that when he is old he won’t depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6) Self-explanatory”…if you don’t want your kids being a mess, don’t you be a mess. If there is something going on in the church we MUST help our children through it. This is a reason I’ve heard from a lot of young people as to why they don’t go to church. They’ve been let down in so many ways by the church. They are sometimes ridiculed for the way they dress, speak or praise God. Judgment should be left up to God. Adults can sometimes be so consumed with what’s going on in the church that we forget our children are experiencing it too. Stress the importance of staying focused on God and not the ungodly.
4) If you have to leave your current church, leave
If when you get up for church in the morning and you say “Nope, I can’t do it today” and that starts to happen every time then it’s time to start visiting. Once you’ve found that place of peace that meets the need of your family then begin to worship there. Notify your current church in a deceit manner that you will be leaving and go in peace. Also be willing to forgive. Forgiving is tuff. However releasing that burden from your life will make things so much easier.
5) Know the difference between saved folks and church folks
It is very important that you discern the saved folks from the church folks. Saved folks will want to encourage you and honestly help you through the situation. You will be able to truly feel the love and concern from them. Church folks on the other hand will most likely always be willing to provide you with the latest gossip whether you ask for it or not. You will feel a difference in their conversation and the way they make you feel. Beware!
6) Don’t give up
Don’t give up! Find a good bible believing church that fits the need of your family. We must always remember that the church is not the physical building we attend but the church is in us. Regardless of what people have done in the church you have to know that God is the reason we attend church in the first place and there is not failure in him. Let nothing separate you from the love of God (Romans 8:35).
So remember the most important thing in helping your family survive church hurt is to stay prayerful together. Allow yourself to forgive those that have hurt you so that you can move forward. Lastly, don’t give up on God because he won’t give up on you.
Have you ever experienced church hurt? How did you get through it?
Ayanna is a married mom of busy triplets in Chicago. She’s a freelance parenting/marriage and technology blogger. Ayanna is also the proud owner of ABlackWebDesign.com and MommyMultiple.com
I have to say that I just block it out which is bad but it’s just easier. My desire to attend church is based on my philosophy about leaving a job with challenging co-workers. I’m not leaving because of you without God’s direction. Now forgiveness is another thing. Maybe I reached out to soon or don’t trust God to be God but that’s going to take a long time. I suppose meditating on 1 Corinthians 13 and continuous prayer will help eventually but as for now, amnesia works.
Ayanna, you are truly insightful and I have enjoyed reading and learning more about you with each and every post.
You hit the nail on the head with your paragraph on the children. Those who are forced to go to church on Sunday and chastised for how they dress and act before and getting there are the ones who depart from the church when they are old enough to make the choice for themselves. I was one of those children who took a break from the church as soon as my mother no longer made me go. I am thankful for the lessons learned and the fear of GOD being instilled in me at a young age, but I would have preferred to be in a church that was not about fashion and gossip. Usually I get my church in at home on Sunday mornings. I watch it on tv or the internet. I occassionally visit the churches of friends or family, but have not found my church home yet. Church is too much of a fashion show and there are many there who are just looking for the lastest gossip so they can spread the word. There are some churches where this is not the case, and once I can find one near me… I’ll be there.
Funny! But whatever helps your through. Do it!
Thank you Runway51328! Keep getting your church anyway you can. Unfortunately church folks don’t know the effect how big or small they have on people. We have a saying at my church that we focus on souls not clothes. If you’re in Chicago come visit us. New Day Ministries International.
I just like to say I agree totally with the writer; it’s alway’s best to really seek the Lord where to go, depending on your situation. As far as transportation,etc. Some place’s it’s just for a season, for different reason’s,etc. Once you find THE ‘place’you can rest your feet! We ALL know there is no ‘perfeCT Church, because We as the Body of ChrIST is NOT PerFECT. amen —But we at least want to be at a ‘PLACE’ where it’s ALL about THE ‘KINGDOM’ of GOD’ and not MEN’!
My family and I experienced this at the end of last year, and boy, did it teach us a lot! I LOVE your Word inspired guidance!
I’d just like to add to #1 to include in prayer those who have hurt you. My family and I never prayed that any harm come to them. We consistantly pray (even now) for grace and mercy to follow them, because the bottom line is we both profess to serve the same God. Only He knows the full measure of what’s within the heart of another.
We attended a church three hours away to get fellowship, and the Sundays we couldn’t go, we watched Tabernacle of Praise (Gary Oliver) on the net. When we moved, we immediately got plugged in, and our new church home (Hope Community Church) is more than what we prayed to God for.
Great article, Ayanna! Thanks!!!!
I just love this article! It is so important to remind believers of the points mentioned, and especially during such a time as this. The enemy is constantly trying to find ways to keep up strife within the church body and keep Christians from praising God and/or being apart of the church family. My family was also hurt by the church, however, we ended up leaving the church. Slowly but surely, family after family left when situations arose within that particular church. BUT, God is a God of RECONCILIATION! Recently, my family went back and worshipped at the church we experienced the hurt. It was such a healing and renewing encounter! Now I have made a commitment to serving once again within this church’s ministry. So to GOD be the glory!!!
Keep doing what you do Ayana!!! ?
LOVE IT Ayanna!
Very true. Ecclesiastes 3 talks about those times and seasons!
Thanks HarrietH!
Thanks Ericka!
Thanks TJ! Sometimes we have to leave and then the Lord brings us back at the right time.
Ayanna, great article..I especially agree with your statement #5 about knowing the difference between church and saved folks. Unfortunately it is the save folks that cause the deepest hurt because you expect much more from them.
I totally agree Yo!
Ayanna,
Thanks for sharing this experience and the article. I am a believer that loves GOD finding my self away from the family of God through worsh ip and fellowship for 7 years. Being wounded and hurt is just the tip of the iceburg of my experience I was an active Evangelist within the church and my leadership repeatedly wounded me until I could not bear it and broke fellowship. I believe in power of prayer, however I think i relapsed into the church hurt mentally and was just not able to allow myself to be healed. After reaching out for help or guidance concerning my hurt I have found professing Christ Leaders to be more judgmental concerning my hurt rather than uplifting and restoring. Still I am finding myself in all of this. Believing in His Grace. GOD BLESS you and Family!