Recently I launched a campaign on my website called Xklusive Bachelor of The Month where I present a positive African-American male who is serious about finding and building a healthy relationship. While it’s going really well I was met with a number of women who immediately were turned off by the idea of a man presented for pursuit by women because society has told us that it should be the other way around. I also found that some women were highly upset, annoyed and even offended, if the men were not interested in dating them, so much so that I even got complaints about having the feature! I then realized something I had never thought about before; while men have to deal with rejection from women almost daily, it is VERY hard for a woman to deal with this same rejection. Women take rejection to their core, while men have been expected to “just deal with it.” Today I want to dig a little deeper and explore how rejection manifests in our relationships and how a woman might be oblivious to how it affects her man.
It’s More Than Just Sex. First and foremost ladies it’s no secret that men love sex. What you may not know though is that for us it’s bigger than the act of sex itself; it’s a way we stay connected to you. Due to this, if our sexual advances are constantly rejected, we miss out on more than just the physicality of sex, and this rejection isn’t just surface level. Another way men feel indirectly, but still rejected by their woman is if she never initiates intimacy. Newflash ladies: we like to be pursed and “wanted” as well. Instead of having a “if he doesn’t ask then he must be okay” attitude towards sex employs a “let me show my man how much I want him!” attitude sometimes and it just might make all the difference. Take it from a man, if our woman rejects most of our sexual advances and never initiates sex with us, not only does it bruise our ego but it also creates an emotional divide between us.
No man wants to feel like he has to coerce and convince his woman into being intimate with him each time the do goes down.
Another newsflash…. ladies men want to feel sought after and desired just as much as you do. We don’t want to have to always play the dog chasing the cat. Truth is that we don’t mind pursuing you but can you please meet a brother half way sometimes? No man wants to feel like he has to coerce and convince his woman into being intimate with him each time the do goes down. Yeah ladies some of you have taken this “hard to get” stuff to another level and for us it eventually turns into “I’m done even trying to get it.”
Intimacy is a Two Way Street. How do I know this is true? In my coaching I hear many, many wives complain about the lack of intimacy from their husbands, and I find that those same husbands had the fire but constant rejection has dulled their flame. What’s funny is that just like with my Bachelor of the Month the moment the woman feels that same rejection she has no problem showing to a man, she gets extremely upset and immediately the blame game begins and she shuts down. For people in a relationship it usually manifests itself in a conversation like this….”well if he would……….(insert task)………then maybe I would have the energy to have sex with him!” What you may not know though ladies is that the more disconnected you become from him through rejecting him, the less you may get out of him in other areas. Excuse…..NO….. reality….YES!
This isn’t my attempt to make excuses for men but I hope that it will offer some understanding. Yes, your man wants to feel like you want him and desire him. Yes, he wants you to come on to him and he wants you to look at him with the same desire that you want him to look at you with. Yes he wants to matter and be pursued sometimes! You can call it soft or not manly but I call it HUMAN!
Husbands and wives alike stop rejecting one another and start serving one another. That’s the sweet spot, and when you hit it sit back and watch the magic happen!
BMWK: What are some ways you show your spouse that you want and desire them? (Let’s keep it clean folks!)
I truly believe God led me to read this article on today. My husband and I are newlyweds and we’ve had our first “big” argument over this very issue. I knew I was guilty when I read ”well if he would……….(insert task)………then maybe I would have the energy to have sex with him!” I couldn’t do anything but laugh! Thank you for communicating so eloquently what my husband was trying to say. Our marriage will be stronger because of it! God bless
Good thing you took the knowledge and acted upon it!
Great Information….EXCELLENT!!!!!
I found this very informative and enlightening. Right on time! I found myself pointing the finger at myself on some points. Thank you.
I have to say this. American Black women, most of them suffer this. Why? Well I believe it’s our society here and over the years there have been way to many examples and friend girls coaching this attitude on. It seems that drama first pissing the man off and telling him, Take care of yourself attitude. So my question to most Black American women. Do you agree if so What the solution. I’ve come across so many post regarding how women of color in the united states failing to make it work with colored men. There has to be something behind this due to so many blogs out there about this subject the disconnection of American black relationships and marriages We’re missing something.A great example would be Married At First Sight “Vaughn and Monet”. 2 great examples to reflect on regarding this subject. If I’ve offend any of you my apologies. However facts are facts. Not saying that men are right in the declining of American black relationships, There are a number of bad choices women make it seem before getting to that right man. By than are you healed from the damage before moving on. But dang take care of your man first and tell your friends to stay out of your affairs. This goes for nosy Mothers as well. Be your own woman is my point and take care of home.
Brittany thank you so much for your kind words about my article and it warms my heart to know the impact it has had on you. I wish you nothing but continued growth and success in your marriage!
Thanks Judy! Glad you enjoyed it and please share with others!
Thanks Anita and I’m glad it’s right on time for you. Stop pointing that finger and go change that behavior! Thanks so much and please share the piece with others!
I am GUILTY! Thanks so much for your article!
Wow! Eye-opening. I’ve got to do better.
WOW! Thank you so much – I am learning a lot. Keep these articles coming in.
GOD BLESS YOU.
This article just blessed me (and my marriage). God always gets his message across. September 24, 2014 I went to bed hurt and upset last night because I was feeling like my husband hasn’t been paying me any attention and I felt he wasn’t interested. September 25, 2014 I woke up to this article in my inbox. Eye opener!! Thank you for this article Troy Spry! I will set some wheels in motion.
Figure out why a woman don’t want to be intimate inthe first place
Thanks.Great article.Physical touch is not my love language so I have to make a conscious effort to work harder in that area.
How does this come into play after your spouse has cheated? It really hard to pursue when the white elephant is always there !!!
If y’all have talked about the infidelity and hopefully decided to forgive and move forward, the white elephant should not be there. If it is, then it will sit on your relationship and eventually suffocate it to death. It’s sometimes hard to let go but for the sake of your relationship you will have to make the white elephant a small black ant and eventually non-existent altogether…
I accept what you’re saying about Intimacy and Rejection, it makes perfect sense. However in my reality, it is difficult to want someone who disregards my feelings. The last thing a woman wants is to pursue her man if he has slighted or hurt her without remorse. In my experience and quite a few of my now divorced girlfriends’, many men stop saying and doing thoughtful things after the I Dos. They feel as though they’ve married us and given us the wedding and the house so we should be satisfied with that, they even go so far as to speak those words. They then shift their focus to their other interests yet expect us to desire them and cater to their needs absent reciprocation. Rarely do they admit when they are wrong, or apologize. Often they expect us to accept their fits of anger when prompted to compromise or change course as them being a man. I don’t know about other women, but everytime my husband speaks harshly or insensitively I feel my love and adoration for him dying inside of me. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry or shuts down because he was not raised to compromise or think of anyone other than his own feelings. When I asked him why he was so different now from the 3 years we dated before the engagement, and married 2 years later, he replied “I did that to get you”. That was 2 months into our marriage. Although lately he may make small efforts to change, he reverts to his hurtful ways and always blames me for his behavior. I feel deceived by him and often abandoned by God. I’ve prayed, fasted, and waited on God to help. His anger has been so bad that I’ve either had to ask him to leave or he has left over 15 times during our 12 years of marriage. Our children have witnessed horrible arguments, and they’ve also witnessed me forgiving him. Now we have suffered a series of huge financial and emotional setbacks and every dream we had for our family has fallen apart. I’ve suffered through major depression and treatment twice, a miscarriage, layoff, unemployment, I could go on but I won’t. My friends who had enough and divorced are living more stable lives now. I’ve been trying to wait on God and trust him to work it out, but now in our 13th year, facing bankruptcy, foreclosure, unemployment, poor credit preventing loans to pay for my son to remain in college, I feel so confused and lost. I’ve given in and have initiated intimacy with him, but I’m still waiting for my prayers to be answered.
True true true! Especially when you know he has cheated but he will never admit it!
I’ve done all of that, but my husband is controlling, insensitive, critical, and angry all the time. I tell him he acts as though he hates me and the responsibilities of marriage. I don’t know why he keeps coming back and I keep forgiving him. I’ve prayed for God’s help and when I finally got to the point where I could not take it anymore, I was stuck. Unemployed and unable to support my kids and I away from him. Was that god’s answer to my prayers??? Stay there and be miserable??
Sounds like you really missed the critical point. It was probably at the very same time you started making this read all about you. By the brief description of your husbands actions in your relationship, it should have been over long ago. This article (I/m/o) is about a pretty healthy relationships where the woman is holding back on the cookie, and the author is pointing out how it may affect the man. Your relationship sounds nothing like this. I hope this doesn’t soynd like an attack, because it isn’t. But you already knew before you commented that your marriage needs more help than can be given here. Hope this article helps give insight to the women it’s targeting.
I love the article , but at the same time what would you think if a man told his wife/girlfriend that she was pressuring him for sex, and she’s giving him all of the attention, but he tells her that ,whats wrong with that picture?
Starting to see why Marriage is becoming more & more absolete in relationships … Way too many rules involved in making sure either party in the marriage remains happy or even satisfied. Too much work & the person doing all the work is ALWAYS the one who completely loses their identity & never getting anything in return! Most individual are better off staying single!
Christine, maybe for you but marriage is not about rules, it’s about communication and compromise. It’s about trying to put yourself in the other persons shoes and understanding their plight. It’s not easy, but is doable and there a lot of happy marriages! Most individuals are better off with their choice of single life or married life both are a work in progress.
Thanks lm really learning a lot please send some more
Beautiful, insightful, on point, encouraging, informative………..article. I am just a month old into marriage and find this encouraging to continue with my beautiful wife because she is a virgin and have stayed for 3 years of dating without sex.
Thank you so much
Thanks for this article…really thank you. I am a guilty convicted wife and will work on this very issue.
I’m glad I came across your comment because a lot of the comments were not looking at the big picture. There is no way, in my opinion that you can ignore the other factors in a relationship, because a wife giving her husband sex is not going to fix a broken marriage, contrary to what the other commentors may have stated. What made me address your comment over any others was the fact that you talked about our Father, God. God has an entirely different view than this article’s author. I see he only comments back to those whom agree with him. The Bible tells us as “wives to submit to your husband” (Colossians 3:18, Ephesians 5:22, 1 Peter 3:1). Yes, it is hard to do this in and of ourselves. We have to submit to God first and foremost and through His Word and the guidance of His Holy Spirit, as we look to the Cross for the sanctifying grace of Jesus Christ, He will help us to show our husbands Christ and true love. The Word also tells us to “not leave our husbands” because they are not what we think they should be (1 Corinthians 7:10). I just don’t want you to feel abandoned by God, because He never leaves us. He is not faithful as men are considered faithful (2 Peter 3:9). The world wants us(God’s people) to follow its lies (Romans 12:2) to the very pits of hell, but we have to show our husbands and others His life in us through every trial we go through. I pray for you to lean on God’s Word as I am learning to do. His strentgh will keep us, not our own sinful nature, nor the sinful nature of our husbands.
Love in Christ
#sharingmystandardoftruth
This was directed to EXHAUSTED
First and foremost Anonymous thank you for reading and thanks for calling me out as I have been meaning to get back to some of these comments. What I must say is that although there are many factors that go into creating a healthy marriage this particular article was meant to address a very specific part of marriage. It wasn’t about an unhealthy marriage where the man mistreats his wife (like in Exhausted) example, but in some of the marriages where the man may be doing his part but his wife still consistently rejects him sexually. This happens daily and then the man begins to disconnect and the wife is stuck trying to figure out why. This was about what sex can mean to a guy and how it’s an intimate experience for him as well and a way he stays bonded to his wife, yet sometimes it’s the last priority for his wife. You’re right, sex won’t fix a broken marriage and if two people aren’t working together to fix their marriage the in will remain unhealthy and a decision must be made. On the flip side part of a healthy marriage is a healthy level if intimacy between mates and sometimes intimacy is expressed in different ways, this article just happened to be about it being expressed sexually. I’m always amazed at how the needs of a man being written about are always turned around to what men don’t do, yet there are so many men doing the right things for their families and still being disregarded and ignored and mistreated within the marriage. Is it not okay for men to feel and express their desires and needs? The purpose of these articles are to inspire dialogue and express insight, not to start debates and the blame game which is what some of the comments turn into, and sometimes I do fall short sometimes and I’m not able to respond to every comment as I write a minimum of one article a week, but if you read most of my articles I do respond and dialogue with all types of commenters and even the ones who disagree. I will do my best to do better. Thanks for reading.
Exhausted I am so sorry to hear about the troubles of your marriage and the fact that seems you are being neglected and mistreated. It sounds like your issues are way bigger than the sexual part that I am speaking of in this article. It is understandable after being mistreated that you don’t want to be intimate with your man so it sounds to me like you both need to get into some counseling in order to begin working on your marriage. It sounds like the sex part is the least if worries right now. You may want to look at joining the Black and married with Kids relationship academy as that might be a great resource. I pray things get better for the sake of your marriage and kids.
Good article. Most men do not disconnect from a relationship until she starts to reject him (ie I have a headache, tired, have to get up early, and so on). Until most women start to take responsibility for their constant rejecting their men, nothing will change. Most women will always blame their men for her short comings of the marriage. It takes two for a marriage to succeed or fail. One person is NEVER responsible for the failure of a marriage but both are (regardless of the reason). A marriage is not all about me but we. Men do a lot of things for their wives that don’t deserve it but they don’t stop doing those things because she rejects him. Don’t expect him to make you feel good if you continue to reject him. These type of women are not what the bible was talking about when the verse said that he that find a wife finds a good thing because she is not a good thing for her husband.
Wow! I must say your story is my story I felt the same way too in my marriage of 13 years. I did get a divorce and doing well, my ex and I have become really good friends and work together to raise our children. I will say to you get you some positive help. Focus on all areas of your life as a woman. Intimacy is not going to help this situation.You will have to focus on building your financing, your confidence and self esteem as well.You can do this while you are married. Better yourself and your family will get better.Take care of you and love who you are as wife. When you began to focus on what you can do to better who you are as person, and not neglect your wifely duties, he will see you. Things can get better or things can get worst, this depend on your husband. He could understand what is happening or not.Make sure you are communicating how you feel and what you want for the family and continue to work towards that goal.Surround yourself with positive friends and family. They don’t have to know your business but they must know you and support good positive conversation, you don’t have time for male bashing and just leave his ass people. This is about you and you become a stronger woman in your relationship. God Bless!
I appreciate your articles. They have helped me to see things from my husband’s perspective not only that but they’ve also exposed me to my selfishness. Once I began heeding your advice my relationship came back to life. It’s easy to get caught up in careers and wanting to be chased but I’ve come to realize I never not once pondered on what my husband may want or need from me. I look forward to your next article they are all good reads peace and blessings brother.
This “attitude” you speak of is a result of alot of things. It’s easy to say its slave culture but I won’t hop on that bandwagon. My mama ALWAYS taught me that you take care of your man first then your children. She preaches that to newly weds and is a great example of that herself. She’s even taught us that with our boyfriends. If you treat someone with a certain level of respect and honor they will reciprocate that providing that they are raised right&appreciative. We have too many women out here jaded by life and being single parents that they pass the same attitude on to their kids. There’s a combination of things contributing to this like lack of healing from the past and lack of teaching from previous generations. At family dinners not once has anyone questioned why My sisters and I would make our grandparents plates and then our significant others. In public outings its not the same response. In teaching the current generation it seems that hard work and love for others has not been taught effectively. We seem to only know entitlement and a false love for ourselves which is evident in the way we treat people.
Huh?
I agree with the intent of the article but I’m so tired of it always being about the woman denying the man. I have never said no to my husband but the opposite has happened. My sex drive is much higher than my husbands so I identify with the “man’s” perspective in this article. I can’t be the only one in this situation. What is also extremely frustrating is that every article about this subject talks about how men just love sex and their wives should understand that and oblige him more. However when we flip the conversation it’s never said that some women just love sex and husbands should oblige them more. No, instead those discussions turn into why the husband may be less interested and it’s turned around to somehow being the woman’s fault. So if the husband desires sex more than the wife it is her fault but if the wife desires sex more than the husband then it’s still her fault???
God doesn’t answer that way, that c was the enemy. Read the word, u b dedtabd the wird, apply the word and times of silence to listen to God himself as He speaks to you. Remember the enemy is very cunning in making you seem low. 1 Corinthian 13, 7, Ephesians 6.
I concur! We as women hv to make this a priority and on our daily to do list, if he’s happy he’s going to do everything in his power to make you happier. My husband and I “connect” every day in some type of way and yes we both work FT, hv children w busy schedules and everything in between. But we still find the time whether it’s in the wee hours of the morning, late at night or in between dropping the kids of at practices and of course we time (date nights). There’s no excuse if you make none other than sickness of any kind, but there is a way like everything else in your life! It works for us, communication and compromise is key in any relationship especially marriage..
The issues about marriage that you describe are symptoms of not only African-American marriages but also many marriages in American culture in general. The exact same things have happened in my marriage (A stereotypical marriage between two white people ) and I’m having my wife read your article. Men are definitely different than women and the needs of both people need to be understood and recognized.
What I don’t like about this post is that the author only focuses on one thing ~ SEX. That’s upsetting because a relationship is about a lot more than sex. I agree that sex is extremely important and understand that men want to be desired as much as women, but men ask yourselves something.. When did you start feeling rejected sexually? If your marriage started off hot and heavy and then sex started dwindling, it’s probably because there was an emional disconnect BEFORE a physical disconnect. This could be for a number of reasons (arguments, financial stress, having children, etc.). A woman has to feel emotionally safe in order to feel sexually vulnerable. If you don’t do the romantic things you did before you were married or when you were first married, your sex life IS going to suffer. Many husbands feel like they don’t have to do those things anymore and his wife’s legs are just supposed to open on command. Men talk about feeling rejected but a woman feels rejected when her emotional needs are not being met, and that starts before anything physical takes place.
What I don’t like about this post is that the author only focuses on one thing ~ SEX. That’s upsetting because a relationship is about a lot more than sex. I agree that sex is extremely important and understand that men want to be desired as much as women, but men ask yourselves something.. When did you start feeling rejected sexually? If your marriage started off hot and heavy and then sex started dwindling, it’s probably because there was an emotional disconnect BEFORE a physical disconnect. This could be for a number of reasons (arguments, financial stress, having children, etc.). A woman has to feel emotionally safe in order to feel sexually vulnerable. If you don’t do the romantic things you did before you were married or when you were first married, your sex life IS going to suffer. Many husbands feel like they don’t have to do those things anymore and his wife’s legs are just supposed to open on command. Men talk about feeling rejected but a woman feels rejected when her emotional needs are not being met, and that starts before anything physical takes place.
Great article! Definitely truth there. I also see from responses that there are two very apparent points – first, men and women need to understand each other better AND both need to work with the other on the points. I’ve always seen it as a point of confusion for women as to why sex is important for men and for men why women seem to start out being all for whatever only to wean a man off faster than a breastfeeding baby. I’m not saying women should just do it anyway but nor am I saying men should just deal with it, but like the article says, there needs to be some type of meeting halfway. Men need to stop expecting that women should just want it and women should stop ridiculing men because the men just want it. If there’s an underlying problem, deal with it but don’t use sex or lack thereof as a weapon or punishment against the other person. God made us nearly polar opposites in this area but if we can bring ourselves together, we then can truly experience the blessing he intends!