A few weeks ago, I wrote a post titled Breaking News: If You’re a Great Parent, You Can Be a Great Spouse. In that post, I highlighted a few similarities for being a great parent and being a great spouse with one of those similarities being unconditional love. Yet, there was one comment from a reader that sparked a thought.

The commenter on the post basically agreed with the overall concept but disagreed with the part about unconditional love. The feedback was that there are conditions to romantic love. I hadn’t really thought about that in this way until that comment.

I’ve often heard people say they love their spouses unconditionally. But when you take a deeper look into most relationships, there usually are conditions that alter the way spouses see “unconditionally.” Basically, there are conditions couples put on their spouses. Sometimes fair and other times not so much. So, I thought, is it possible to love your spouse through these common marriage-ending conditions:

“If you cheat I’m out.”

Infidelity seems like a no-brainer to some. In fact, I use to say early in my own marriage, “if he cheats I’m out.” I meant it at the time; I was never going to settle for that level of what I thought was disrespect. Now 17 years in and two daughters later, I’m not sure if it’s still that simple. I want my family to work, and there may be some things I have to truly consider before I call it quits. 

For most couples, however, this is their breaking point. They feel I will love you and give to you as long as you are true to me. It’s actually a fair condition, but I have seen couples survive and work through infidelity. It is possible, but is it possible for you?

“If you can’t do what you used to do, neither will I.”

Being able to provide for your partner is another condition I’ve seen. The mentality here is, “If you can’t do for me what you used to do, I’ll check out and won’t do for you either.” Some couples have the wrong idea of marriage and put value on ideas that won’t strengthen them as a couple. Every couple will experience challenges (financial or otherwise), but understanding that you’re better and stronger as a team will help you overcome them. 

The only constant in life is change. There will be moments when you’re high and those where you’re in the valley. If my spouse can’t do what he used to do for me, I’ll have to be understanding and more supportive than ever. Couples must remember when one struggles, you both struggle. Could you love your spouse through the lows?

The only constant in life is change. There will be moments when you’re high and those where you’re in the valley.

“If you don’t support me, I won’t support you.”

A lack of support is one of those conditions I witness quite frequently. “He didn’t support my dream” or “She doesn’t believe in me” are common phrases I hear over and over again. Sometimes instead of sharing how they don’t feel supported with their spouse, this person will respond with similar nonsupport. Saying “I can’t love you the same if you won’t support me,” is the negative thought process that affects a person’s relationship behavior. Often, your partner may not know when he or she is being unsupportive and/or how to make you feel best supported until you tell them. Is an unsupportive partner a deal breaker for you?

“If there’s no sex, there isn’t anything else.”

Little to no sex is one of the biggest conditions couples use as outs in their relationships. “If I can’t have sex with you, I won’t give my all to any other part of the marriage,” is a mindset that is really damaging. Couples in this scenario usually struggle because they don’t know how to truly make requests for what they truly desire in this area. We have to be honest by letting our spouse know how often we need it, what it takes to get us in the mood and what turns us off.  Is a sexless marriage a factor for you?

“If you can’t help me, I won’t help you.”

Oftentimes in relationships partners feel as though it’s tit for tat. You do for me, I do for you. If you don’t, I won’t. Marriage won’t work with this way of thinking. In your mind, your spouse should be the priority. Whether they do for you or not, you’ll feel great knowing that what you do for your spouse is solely for love and that their happiness is your goal. Are you seeking a return on your love and effort? And how much would that influence your commitment to the relationship?

One key thing to remember is that you have responsibilities as a spouse. You are responsible for loving your spouse, remaining faithful, giving continuous support and encouragement and keeping the romance alive. Every partner, in every relationship, should have a goal of being the best spouse possible. And that goal should have very limited conditions.

BMWK: Are there conditions to loving your spouse? Are there additional conditions, which would change your desire to stay in your marriage?