Dr. Buckingham,

I am a successful young man who wants to have a wife and children in the near future. A few years ago, I relocated from the South to D.C. with the belief I would have better prospects. I am approaching my mid-30s, and I feel discouraged about my prospects. I meet women who appear to be good for me, but things just never work out.

I have not been able to identify my problem. I can admit I have some unresolved personal issues, but I truly do not believe that I am the problem. I attend social gatherings, church functions and business events with the hope I will find my wife. I have searched high and low for my future queen and have had very little success. I decided to write you because I do not want to go too far down the discouragement path and give up on finding love. As a single man, what is the best thing that I can do to find a wife?

Thanks,

Husband Material

Dear Husband Material,

Like you, I asked myself this question at least one hundred times as I searched for my wife over the years. With the help of God, I can proudly say I found the answer. The best thing you can do to find a wife is to find yourself first. Sounds cliché right? Well it is, but here is my story.

Finding my wife was not an easy task to accomplish. It took me more than 20 years to find love. Why? Similar to you, I searched high and low but never within. While I believe it is extremely important to screen your potential mate in order to ensure she is lovable and right for you, I also believe you should screen yourself as well.

I firmly believe one’s ability to find everlasting love is strongly influenced by one’s ability to find and love himself or herself. I do not pretend to be a fortune teller, but I can promise you that your journey toward finding everlasting love (a wife) will never end until you find yourself. I thank God for the gift of introspection, which is the ability to examine one’s own mental and emotional sate. Simply put, introspection is about looking within oneself.

As I engaged in serious introspection, I realized I could not find love because I was damaged. I was a good guy on the outside, but I was a messed up on the inside. I had “hoe tendencies;” I was a womanizer; I was afraid of commitment; I was afraid of being emotionally vulnerable; I put my needs before the women I dated; I catered to them financially but neglected them emotionally; and I used my charm to keep them dreaming and hoping but never promised commitment. The scary thing about all of this is that I did not intentionally try to hurt them. I just did not know how to love them. I was an emotional wreck back then, but it makes sense to me now because I have learned it is impossible to find or give love when you do not love yourself.

While on my quest to find my wife, I met hundreds of women who were marriage material. However, I remained single for many years because I was not marriage material. I found flaws in them that justified my reason for running. Also, I dated women who had similar issues as mine, so I could point the finger at them. Although I realized my behavior was wrong, I continued because it helped me feel good about myself. The more I looked within, the more I realized I was the problem. I also realized that love could not live where love was not truly wanted. By going through the introspection process, I decided I needed to get help. I sought guidance was successful at resolving my issues and finding my wife.

I shared my story to help you understand that one of the easiest things in life to do is to point your finger outwardly, especially when one does not have an answer. Anytime I speak with single people who talk more about what is wrong with everyone else and how difficult it is to find love, I often wonder if they have engaged in introspection. I truly believe you can benefit from engaging in introspection and seeking professional counseling. I say this because you mentioned you have some unresolved personal issues.

I highly recommend you take some time to work through and resolve your personal issues before you continue on your wife-finding journey. You might be surprised to know that finding love is not as difficult as you think. Engaging in introspection can be scary, but it is the key to finding love and building a healthy relationship. Belief me when I tell you that engaging in introspection and finding yourself is the best thing that you can do to find a wife—it worked for me. I found my wife after I found me.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

BMWK, have you found yourself before you started looking for a spouse?

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.