by Harriet Hairston
Blended families have become quite the norm in modern day times. The Brady Bunch is no longer an exception to be gawked at during prime time television. These days, children are being raised with step-parents, half-siblings and if the parents play their cards right, one big, happy family!
It is in light of that kind of dynamic that I dedicate this article to my 11 year old son, who I did not carry for 9 months, nor did I endure hours of labor to give him life…that’s an honor that his mother had the privilege of bestowing. But to my son, my little prince, Tramond, I’d like to say the following: I may not be your mama, but…
…Your mama gave us all a gift when she gave birth to you. A child was born and a son was given. We know God has awesome things in store for you!
…I love you like I love myself. I’ll never forget when we first met, and as I was making banana pudding, you were afraid that I would cut you as I chopped the bananas. I told you, “Baby, I’d rather cut myself than to EVER cut you. Don’t you worry.” The look you gave me of total and complete trust is etched on my heart even today.
…I’ll kill a brick for you. Your daddy says I’m very protective of you. It’s a cruel, hard world out there, and although I know I can’t keep you safe from it always, I hope when you hear my voice, some semblance of normalcy and love will always ring in your ears. And I double-dog dare someone to strip you of it. It’ll be some slow singing and flower bringing if that ever happens. LOL
…I believe God blessed me with you just as much as He blessed me with your little brother. You’ll never be less than in my eyes.
…There is nothing “stepchild” about you. When I married your Daddy, my main man Jesus gifted me with three other main men: your daddy, you and your brother. I love you all with everything in me.
…I’ll never stop believing in you, and your ability to excel, get good grades, and complete the journey and vision life has in store for you. Jail, premature death, and all those other nasty statistics that plague young black men will NEVER affect you, not because I said so, but because I’ve given you to the Lord, and He says so.
…I understand that you’re getting older, and starting to make your own decisions. You’ve made some significant mistakes lately, but guess what? You’re still alive, and I can tell you’ve learned from them. Your wisdom and observant heart will keep you from going down the wrong path. But if you go, the same will turn you around to the right one.
…I love you. Nothing can ever change that.
BMWK, there are plenty of blended families out there. Leave some words of encouragement and/or love for those who you are connected to in spirit, which trumps blood any day or time.
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: “author.” You can purchase her first book, “Who Are You?” simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at [email protected].
All Week we’ll be running articles on Blended Families from a different perspective each day. To catch up on what you may have missed just click here.
Mom of 3 says
This was beautiful Harriet.
Terry Anderson says
Sometimes blended familes are difficult. I am currently in that situation. My husband’s son has been with us for two years. And I have given him a new name, Damien. He is a child fromt the pit of hell. And I probably shouldn’t say that but this is how bad it is. My husband is so guilt-ridden for not being there that he can’t seem to parent correctly. So, just last nite I told my husband fix it or I am leaving! We have been dealing with his theivery and lieing for two years. I have one sone and we have a son together. His son has literally had our home under siege for two years and I am at the end of my rope and yesterday was a day of reckoning for my husband and his son. Get it together now or me and my two sons are out. Peace!
Joni says
Thank God for mothers like you… and I pray that your son never gives in to insecurities which may arise every now and then in his mind!
Mrs. Branch says
Harriet- This is so beautiful and eloquent. It reminds me of my very own blended family. I tell my own children that had I had just a few more stretch marks I would swear I had them myself! They are only step-children to others, never to my husband or me. May the Lord continue to bless your home and relationship with your family.
Harriet says
@ Terry,
Sometimes?!? Based on your commentary and the confessions article Ronnie wrote, it’s more often than not! I will be praying with you about this situation…it certainly is a difficult one that will require you and your husband to put up a united front. Perhaps he wasn’t there in the beginning, but without setting up clear boundaries, rules nad discipline, he’s not there NOW, either. Although I’m not for ultimatums, I can’t say what I would do in your situation. I pray it all works out for the good of every person involved, though. Keep pressing!
@ All…thanks for the prayers and words of encouragement! These kids didn’t ask to be here, and it’s up to us as adults to give them the guidance and discipline they need to grow into responsible adults.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Father Can You Hear Me? =-.
speaktough says
I think sort of situations can be ttrying and i love the positive response you have given to the family structure, truly inspiring.
.-= speaktough´s last blog ..yinka shonibare: Yinka Shonibare trafalgar square plinth =-.
Terry Anderson says
@ Harriett
Thank you for your prayers! And I am not for ultimatums either, but I don’t want to be the one six feet under because of stress from a child that is not even mine.
Harriet says
@ Terry,
My pleasure…thanks for the opportunity! I hear your pain and frustration, and I’ve been there (but not in a situation like what you described). It won’t do you or your children any good if you check out on the world sooner than later. I also pray you find an outlet to release that kind of stress (exercising, writing, praising, worshipping, etc.). Internalizing all that definitely isn’t healthy, and getting away from the battlefield for a spell (whether an hour each day or a weekend vacation) would make a world of difference.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Father Can You Hear Me? =-.
Shennice Cleckley says
Wonderful Harriett. I feel the same way about my children!
Terry Anderson says
@ Harriet
God works in mysterious ways! Who would know that this would be the first email that i got this morning. Because, I kept it penned up, I felt like I was the only one going through this one! But after reading the different posts, I feel much better. Besides, I did the exercising part in order to keep my sanity and wound up losing 20 lbs in the process. I make it a point to leave the house every Saturday with my 10 year old because this is definitely having an effect on him. He is my love child and sticks to his mother consistently even though he is 10. So because my husband works on Sat. We have an outing every Sat.
Thanks Again and Have a Blessed Day!
Thank you God!
Aja says
@Terry I have never been in your situation so I can’t claim to know all that you are going through, but have you all tried counseling? From the little that you have said it seems that your step son may be dealing with some things that could be leading to that type of behavior, for instance, the fact that your husband was not there for him in the beginning. You also said “I dont want to be the one six feet under because of stress from a child that is not even mine.” and I understand that frustration but at the same time if this is how you feel- that he isn’t even yours, even if you don’t express it in front of him, children are very perceptive and I am sure that he in some ways can sense and internalize your feelings toward him. Although you did not give birth to him, this child, with all of his issues, in many ways became yours when you married your husband and took on whatever he came with.
I don’t say this to come down on you or to say that you should not feel frustration and anger, just to say that in addition to you doing what you need to do to keep your own sanity, that the child and your family might benefit from help.
Harriet says
Good points, Aja. I agree.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Father Can You Hear Me? =-.
Terry Anderson says
Aja,
You are correct. And, I tried to be that supportive person to his son in the beginning to NO AVAIL. I have suggested counseling to my husband who is to proud to accept it.
Ericka says
Harriet, wonderful, wonderful article! Aja, I TOTALLY agree!
Mel says
Thank you so much for the article. I too was blessed with 3 children when I married my husband. I have not been able birth any from my body, God has richly blessed me.
Ronnie says
Beautiful post Harriet and I totally agree with your advice and Aja’s advice for Terry as well. Terry – your husband’s first priority should be to you and your marriage. So I definitely agree with counseling…marriage counseling and counseling for everyone involved especially your stepson ( I am doing the same with my son.)
If your husband will not go..then I would say you should go anyway and perhaps he will follow your example. As Harriet states, we will keep your marriage in our prayers.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Blended Families Week: I May Not Be Your Mama, But… =-.
PrettyNickie says
I’ve only been married for a few months but the challenges of blending families have already presented themselves. This is my 1st marriage and his 2nd. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and we have a child together. He has 2 children with his ex and also a step-daughter (she had a child from a previous relationship). His ex is still very bitter over their divorce and continues to use their children as pawns. It is a very terrible situation for his children because they really enjoy being around us as a family but they have to hide that from their mother because she wants them to despise us as she does. I want so badly just to sit her down and help her realize that we need to focus on the kids, but she is very confrontational and I am not. I know that if i reach out to her, she will overreact in a potentially violent way. I’ve never had a physical altercation in my life and I don’t plan to start at 30+. We are praying that time heals her issues with my husband so that these children can also move forward. After watching Will & Jada on Oprah yesterday, i know its possible. I just pray we can move forward before too much damage is imposed on the kids.
Tiya says
Harriet, this post was absolutely beautiful! Made me almost wish I had a step child to write to 🙂
NappyKitchen says
@Terry Anderson
Your experiences is all the proof we need on why blended families should be discouraged. I feel pity for that little boy. His first family broke up, now there is a new woman around, her son and now another new kid. Can you imagine how things are for this kid? I dont mean to be harsh but I am just taking the Dr. Laura approach. Sometimes the adults are more involved than the kids and their happiness becomes paramount.
NappyKitchen says
Coming from a woman’s perspective we need to be realistic about our options when we are divorced with children. Statistically speaking when we are lugging children around looking for a new man the kind of men we can get is a lot different than we could get when we were fresh, young and child free. We also have an even higher possibility for divorce when it is our second marriage and it has A LOT to do with the children and the former spouses. So when we are thinking about getting a divorce we need to think about how our quality of life will drop worse than anything that could be going on in our marriage. The grass is NOT greener on the other side.
NappyKitchen says
Lastly, and I know I am going to get some beef for this comments but I am about to uphold male privilege here. It is far easier and SAFER (will discuss this in a bit) to integrate a new woman into the family than a new man. Men are the authority figure and in the event that children need to be disciplined, it is a losing battle oftentimes if this authority is coming from non bio dad. Bio dad is just too important at these crucial times in a child’s life which can not be substituted. Also, new men are dangerous. No offense men. Non bio dads can be a bit of a statistical hazard to the new children, and women.
Hillari says
It’s better to start off clean and not marry anyone who has a ready-made family. As a childfree person, I have no interest in being a natural parent, let alone a step-parent. I think too many people go into such blended family marriages with “The Brady Bunch” on their minds; real life is not TV. Often, resentments that children have because of the failure of the relationship or marriage that existed before are projected onto the new spouse (and new step-siblings or half-siblings produced by the new union). Then there’s the matter of the baby’s mama/ex-spouse drama that intefers with the new couple trying to build their own household. A husband and wife make up a family by themselves; kids aren’t needed to validate that.
DClark says
I really find this article quite interesting. My current situation is much like Harriot’s. My husband and I both have children from previous marriages and I am truly blessed to say that the members of our BLENDED family get along very well. There is no such word as STEP in our household and everyone respects our roles as Mother/Wife, Father/Husband. My husband and I set out the rules early on and all seem to follow. LOVE and STRUCTURE is what every child needs and is the basics for all marriages!
Please don’t give up on finding that person that will make your life complete just because you have children!!! God says he/she is out there waiting for you!
May God continue to bless you all!
Londa says
I think this was a very postive article.
ewok says
Harriet,
As a bonus mommy myself……((((tears)))))….can’t even type right now. You rock!
Stacy Australia says
As many other people have said that was very beautiful. My sister in law is a good strong woman and mother as well. She did not give birth to my nephew but I personally think she treats him better than his biological mother ever did or could.
My dad was in my life growing up doing all the things daddies are supposed to do but I had a stepdad that was just as awesome. My love for books came from the days when I was 3 or 4 and we would walk to the library and check out books and come back home and read together.
.-= Stacy Australia´s last blog ..Big Girls Do Cry (Black Women and Depression Part 4) =-.
Harriet says
This is interesting…it seems like the younger a child is when a parent marries or remarries, the better. Transitions can be rough at times, and like Aja said today in her article, I’m waiting for the day when my son tells me I’m not his mama, but the bottom line is doing what is best for the marriage and the children. Either way, those kids are going to leave the house one day, and it’ll be just the spouses again. There has to be something there that will keep them together, and it’s not the kids (even though at times they try to work hard to tear a family apart).
Anyway, I appreciate the presentation of the negatives regarding blended families. It’s important to present a balanced viewpoint. Nevertheless, when the storms and disagreements come, having the right attitude about it is 80% of the battle, in my opinion.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Father Can You Hear Me? =-.
Trendolyn says
I have been apart of a blended family for years now…. and would just like to point out this point that many may have overlooked…. JESUS CHRIST HAD A STEP FATHER!!!!!! If it was good enough for him then I believe it is good enough for everyone….. It takes special men, children, and women to make these families work but with a divine example like HIM, we can do it! So to all the naysayers “This must be ain’t yo callin!”
God Bless you all,
Trendolyn
Shennice Cleckley says
@ Trendolyn… LOL. I said the same thing on the other blog. If Joseph can raise God’s son then well Iknow I can raise my babies. At least I can tell my husband my opinion but heck Joseph could only say “ok God. What ever you want. “
maria says
Hi everyone. It must have been fate or destiny to find this website tonight. Im going through a lil something myself. I have only been married since Jan. of this year, I have already left my husband because of his “lil princess” (speaking Backwards). Her mother recently passed away and she has moved in with us. I have two sons who are 8 & 9. She is 9 as well. This child was always hard to manage from what I have heard. Her father basically stayed away from her for the majority of life because of her behavior, which to me it wasnt right. But that was before me. Now that we have her, she has pretty much turned our life up-side-down. In his eyes she’s perfect. She can do no wrong. And when I try to give advice about how we cant have two different sets of discipline in one household, she’s says “Im mean and that she cant stand me!” Like I dont have any feelings. If I sit and type everything that ive been through with this lil monster in the last two or three months…. i’ll be typing all freaking night. Before I married my husband I was living peacefully, and now I have no clue what peace is anymore. This lil girl is grown, sassy, disrespectful and physically abusive. But she’s Daddy’s Lil Girl. Im about to leave and he has no clue. I need my peace and quiet back. I cant go on like this….. Yall we need help!!!
Harriet says
Wow, Maria. Sorry you’re dealing with such a hellion…I mean, 9 year old. The bottom line to me is that you and your husband create a united front and ensure all the children in the house understand the repercussions of disobeying rules and/or being disrespectful. Refer to Aja’s comment about couple’s counseling. We’re praying for you. Oh, you may also want to get with Ayize and Aiyana Ma’at at http://www.bintentional.com. They are counselors who can give you some valuable, practical guidance about your specific situation.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Father Can You Hear Me? =-.
maria says
@ Harriet
I have suggested family counseling and the idea just flew out the window. Apparently you have to be bi-polar or just plain crazy to get couseling in his eyes. Ive even brought up the idea of going to church as a family. That hasnt happened yet either. Im pretty much about to give up on her, him and this marriage. I cant handle anymore drama connected to this child. I asked my sons how they felt about her, they both said at the same time, “mommy we dont like her, she is so mean to us!” Honestly I’d rather pay child support than have her live here. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I just want my sanity back.
Harriet says
Well, Maria, no matter what, you can’t help the way you feel. You can, however, help the way you respond to how you feel. Right, wrong or indifferent, it is what it is. LOL
The thing I love and hate about being a parent is that everything flows in seasons. With the right guidance and counsel, this season could end very soon. I remember being a handful between the ages of 8-10…but my body was doing strange things. First bra at 8, first period at 9, grew 7 inches between the ages of 9-10…boy, it was ROUGH.
Perhaps the same kind of biological changes are taking place with her. You two are surrounded by testosterone…maybe if you two did some time by yourselves…take her to get her nails done, talk to her about boys, books, the news, etc., do a little digging to see what the ROOT of the problem is. Her acting out seems to me to be a symptom of a much larger issue, and if you can get to the crux of the matter, that would definitely serve as a breakthrough (so you don’t break down).
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Father Can You Hear Me? =-.
Terry Anderson says
@ Maria,
I read your post late last night and just sat in astonishment. Because I too had just had the conversation with my husband about leaving if he did not fix or get help for his son NOW. Several people on the post offered to pray for me. Now, the bible does say where two or three are gathered in my name there I will be in the midst. (paraphrasing). But, as others on the post have offered to pray for me, I am not offering to pray with and for you in your situation and I hope that you will do the same for me.
@Aja
Oh he know that I don’t like him and I am ok with that.
@ Nappy Kitchen
Feel sorry for him no way. He is 16 and he knows better!
Tasha says
@Terry
I hope you do leave, so that the boy you call Damien can get what he needs from his father. It wouldn’t be suprising that after you left that your husband’s son’s behavior improve. People are being very p.c with their comments, but from what you have written you sound like the evil step mother from a cartoon. Teenagers tend to be difficult to deal with. That is what they do. You seem like the type of person that could not be bothered with a child that you didn’t give birth to, which is fine, but you should have considered that before you got married. I pray that your husband’s son gets the help, guidance and love he needs.
Terry Anderson says
@ Tasha
You are wrong on all points. All teenagers are not difficult. I have a 18 year old who has not been difficult for one momemt. Why, because I constantly stayed on him to make him aware of the consequences of his actions. He listened. All children do not listen and he is one of them. I have tried to show this boy love and concern and he has rejected it at every single turn. He is 16 and knows better. Now, getting in there and dealing with difficult teenagers, I can do but when you at every turn defy what me and his father has set as rules, it is high time for you to experience some repercussions. I am not the evil step mother either. I expect that a child living in my house will follow the rules whether you like it or not. And when you don’t follow the rules, you will be punished accordingly swiftly. More so, because he is a african male child whom the world at large will not be kind too. Because I know this, I am a strict disciplinarian. And, no I will not let up for anything in the world. Now, he can choose to accept it or go back to his moma who created the problem in the beginning! And no his behavior will not improve because he knows that he can get away with everything with his father. Well, I live there plus my two sons, we WILL NOT BE HELD UNDER SEIGE IN OUR OWN HOME. You hav no clue what you are talking about!
Terry Anderson says
@Tasha
It is called tough love ever heard of it!
angela says
This is wonderful this is the love God is talking about.
bless you woman of God
Shawnte'-Amoure says
@Terry Anderson, I wouldnt go so far as to say that I hope you leave, because my prayer is that not only your marriage be restored but your entire family including your step child. however, your comments regarding you step child are extremely harsh comments. The fact is that most teens do struggle a bit behavior wise and can be quite difficult. I have 5 and every last one of them gives me headaches at times. Its hard for them to make that transition into adult hood. Having to deal with hormonal changes, in addition to all the other things that teens have to deal with in this world today. In addition this child hasnt had his father around to guide him in becoming the young man GOD created him to be. Calling him anything other than the name on his birth certificate simply should never be done. You made a comment on tough love, I just cant see there being any love for this child in your heart at all. “he knows you dont like him and your ok with that†WOW!!!! How sad. 16 does not mean you know better. You have been 16 before, at that age you cant even begin to comprehend life, and being able to implement what you know is sometimes a struggle for us as adults so why would you expect so much more from a teen who is much less capable mentally and emotionally, not to mention spiritually. I think the issue is like you said you dont feel that he is yours, you dont have the bond with him that you have with your bio children and you dont want to do the work. Simply put your not committed. If this was your bio child going through the same troubles, (and I know you said he wouldnt but humor me) would you be so quick to walk. Would you be so quick to call names, to dislike him, to just through him away? I dont think so. As parents, we are in it for the long haul. No matter what you never give up and you always love your child. You may not like what they do but you always love and support them. Thats how it should be with your step son. You should fight for him like you fight for your son, and you should be fighting for your marriage even harder. Your too ready to give up. NOT COOL, MOTHERS CANT QUIT!!! You can even take your step son and the two of you go to relationship counseling. Complete a 90 day love dare on your step son. Im doing one right now on my daughter. (We have no step children here.) If I havent convinced her at the end of the 90 days that I love her, and to open her heart to a loving relationship with me then you know what, Ill start over. My prayer for you is that GOD allows you to see your step son with his eyes and that you soften your heart enough for GOD to show you how to love this child, and how to gain his trust. How to be a positive influence and support system in his life. I also pray that you will encourage a bond between your bio children and your step child. Be Blessed
Ericka says
‘ Mothers can’t quit’ @Shawnte’-Amoure, I love it!! I absolutely love your response!! I’m having a tough time with my very angry 11 yr old son. His ‘father’ has disappointed him on all levels for which I am receiving the backlash. Although it is very frustrating; I’ll never give up on him. I recognize that he’s hurting and with time, prayer, lots of love; he will heal. The comment was directed to me but it really blessed me. Thank you!
PS I never thought about trying the Love Dare but will do so asap!
Terry Anderson says
@ Shawnte,
Now, I can accept and understand and agree with some of the things you have said. Keep in mind, when I started posting, this situation was still fresh and I was venting. I was pass angry and everything I said at that moment I meant. Harsh yes, but I said exactly how I felt.
As of now he is on strict probation until he leaves to go home with his moma. We are deciding whether or not he will come back. If by some miracle we let him come back, my husband knows the guidelines and if his son does not get his act together, he will be sent back to his mother permanently.
Question: Why do I and my two sons have to suffer because his parents, including my husband are not parenting him correctly?
For the most part, I have given up. I can’t handle the stress. However, I will keep working on my marraige in spite of him. I need and will have peace one way or the other.
Terry Anderson says
And if my son even though he is 18 got out of line there would be clear, concise methods to handle his actions. And because I was a strict disciplinarian with my son, I didn’t have any of the problems I am having with my husband’s son. Now all children are different. My husband will not fulfill those obligations to back me up I guess because he is guilty for not being there. Consequently, I have had to step up for two years and handle this mess. I have exhausted ALL methods and he is not responding to any of them for TWO years. Now, I am tired. can’t do it. He will be gone for the summer and if God somehow sees fit to give me renewed energy then so be it.
Mrs. Branch says
@Terry…I’ve sat quiet for as long as I could. I will try to keep this brief. Your comments have become more and more disturbing with each entry. Mostly because it sounds as if you have a fairy tale family in your mind. You asked the question, “Why do I and my two sons have to suffer because his parents, including my husband are not parenting him correctly?” The answer is simple, because you married his father. YOU chose this life…good, bad and ugly. I understand that before YOUR stepson (you should identify with him) moved in, your life may have been roses and daises but now it is not. Now the real work should begin. And, there is no time frame for how long it may take. He is a child, HE is the only innocent in this. He didn’t ask for part time parents. He didn’t ask for a stepmom. He didn’t ask for new brothers and sisters that spend more time with his father than he has. He has to deal with this new family and new life, regardless to whether he wants to or not. You have a choice, he does not. It is his parents job- ALL PARENTS and STEP PARENTS- to teach him how to assimilate with his newly blended family in a healthy way. I have a question for you, why did you get married if you didn’t want to be a family? I’m sure you knew he had a child before you married your husband. Blended families are not easy. I know first hand. I have two children (from my husband’s first marriage) and alot of times I feel like I’m in over my head. But, I feel that the job of a step-parent is daunting. You have to be selfless, you have to step outside of your comfort zone and do things that don’t always benefit just you. You definitely have to think of the kids before yourself. I think you should think of your vows, think of the child and the position he may be in and ask yourself, “really, why did I get married.” If you didn’t really mean for better or for worse, then the problem with your family may very well be you.
Terry says
@ Mrs. Branch,
The problem is not with me at all. I never assumed that blended familes were going to be easy. Expected some probelems, yes I did. But nothing like this. He steals everything he can get his hands on (money, food, etc). Before he moved in with us, we didn’t deal with this issue with our own children ( 1 or mine and 1 together). However, like I said before, his father is on a guilt-ridden trip so he is offering NO assistance. So, while I might try to put forth an effort and for the last two years I have, nothing has worked. It is possible that this 16year old does not want to do what is right? Then what?
When we got married I said for better or worse, yes. But there is so much one person can take. So, I have decided that step-parenting is not for me. I will continue with my marriage in spite of his son. Besides, we got two more years and he will gone anyway! Furthermore, if the problem was me than I guess we would be having problems with our other two. Since that is not the case, the problem lies solely with his son. HIs son needs to take responsibility for his own actions.
And while life might be difficult for his son, he always has a choice right or wrong. He has consistently without fail decided to take the wrong course. I can not make him act the way he is supposed to. Anyway he is going home for the summer and the decision will be made whether or not he returns!
Terry says
@ Mrs. Branch
He is not a child! He is 16, and he knows what he is doing. He knows right from wrong.
Mrs. Branch says
@Terry: 16 is still a child. And for the record, the marriage includes you and your hubands children. If you intend to make the marriage work without working on the family, that’s like putting on perfume to cover up a funky body.
Mrs. Branch says
Also, Mrs. Terry, what worked for your children obviously doesn’t work for this child. If you care for your husband, you should try another route. Children are different. They’re life experiences, relationships, backgrounds, affiliations require different techniques. This child wasn’t raised by you or nowhere in your home. You had 18 years to train your “well behaved” children. You have unrealistic expectations.
Harriet says
I’ve tried to comment on this dialog about three times. I’m pretty speechless right now about the whole thing, so I’ll just give some observations I’ve learned throughout the years. It’s not directed at any one commenter, just some food for thought:
First and foremost, children are a gift from God. They’re a blank page when they come out, and as parents/guardians, it’s up to us to determine what we will allow to be written on those pages as they grow older.
Secondly, when it comes to blended families, we have to acknowledge that parents raise children differently (or not at all), and depending on what has already been written, you have to set a standard about what will be written in your own household WITHOUT belittling what was written in another. This is precisely why my first statement above was in gratitude to the mother of this CHILD. Berating and belittling her is counterproductive, IMO, whether I agree with her methods or not…she’s still his mother, and like most African American kids, talk about their mama, and you’ll have a fight on your hands (emotionally or otherwise).
Third, I’m all for discipline. I grew up in a strict, loving household, and so did my husband. But please take some time to ruminate on the fact that two children can grow up in the SAME household with the SAME rules and values and yet turn out totally different. It’s all about the choices we make and our willingness to be held accountable for them and learn from them. Everyone doesn’t just walk into wisdom, no matter how much their parents teach them. That’s why it’s important to include prayer, patience and–in Christian households–pleading the blood over them, because let’s face it…we’re not with them 24/7, and only God can protect them from the stuff they face “out there.”
This one is hard for me, but I have to say it anyway: it’s really OK to get tired. It’s OK to need a break from the battlefield. It’s OK to have the thought that you want to give up on it all. Those are very natural feelings that must be addressed. What’s not OK is taking those feelings out on children. I don’t like my husband every day. Some mornings I wake up and tell him “I’m not your friend today…I’ll be your friend tomorrow.” But guess what? He’s an adult that has been through the hormonal changes, mistakes, etc. that most adults deal with. He’s adult and grown enough to handle my mood swings. My sons, on the other hand, are fragile. You handle them with care, because too much rough talk can do irreparable damage. I’m crying as I write this one, because I can pinpoint specific episodes where I did not heed my own advice here–yet by the grace of God, the children are still full of joy and full of love for their flawed mama.
Take some time to check out this article:
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2009/12/01/stepchildren-shouldnt-exist/
Its tone is a little less emotional than I am right now. I understand the difficulties that come with territory of blended families. I know the hard work it takes. I feel the pain…but for the joy set before me in knowing that I did the best I could and didn’t take any shortcuts, didn’t give up, and was bullheaded about persevering, I’ll go through the seasons where life feels like hell. I realize every situation is different, but it’s worth it to me.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Father Can You Hear Me? =-.