By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Aside from all the advice I have received on parenting from others, I am finding that parenting is something you learn as you go forward. I use to find myself picking apart the things I didn’t like about how I was raised. My silent promise became to always be slightly different from that. I remember saying when I was younger, when I’m a parent I will hear my kids out, because they are people too and they have an opinion. However, I am learning there was a method to my mom’s madness. Just recently I was shocked to learn there was a flaw in my parenting skills, which was pointed out, not only by my husband, but also by my children. Now you know you’re doing something wrong when your children can point it out. The blooper I made was asking my children to do things instead of telling them what to do. It would go a little something like this:
“Aren’t you girls ready to take your baths?”
Or
“Don’t you want to put your pjs on now?”
The outcome; I wasn’t getting the responses I expected. My youngest would even say, well you did ask me. She was absolutely correct. Asking does mean they have a choice. I had to come with a new approach. Stepping fully into the parenting role I earned and reminding myself and the children, I am in charge here.
What have been some of your bloopers in parenting? What have you learned from trial and error about your skills as a parent?
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing Personal Coaching Service, creator of the Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. She lives in Chicago with her husband and two daughters.
It’s so funny you used that example. I remember doing the same thing with my mother because she hadn’t told me specifically to do something, she was just throwing the idea out there(and we weren’t catching).That still doesn’t stop me from making the same mistake with my kids and after I’ve told them something I have to catch myself and think, “did I ask in general or frame that as a specific command?”
I think my parenting blooper is just the opposite. I don’t give my son enough choices. It’s my way or the highway, and I have to really be cognizant that he’s not one of my troops, but my child. LOL Ironically, I think I gave my troops more choices than my son!
I’m working on it…
I would say that your example is not a complete blunder. Because in effect you are actually teaching them to make the right decisions. They may say “no” but you ARE the parent and you always have VETO power while they are minors and can correct them. For example if you say, “Aren’t you ready for your baths now?” You are teaching them to be mindful the the time of day and their own daily schedules and to take that responsibility on their own.
Great point, Ally! I have definitely learned that having VETO power provides more flexibility than “do it. PERIOD.” :o)
@Allygyrl – Well, I’m glad you said it because I was over here cringing like, “No wonder my little DIVA acts like I’m asking her to do things. ‘Cause I am!” LOL.
I usually give my kids choices. “Do you want some fruit snacks or some yogurt?” “Do you want to brush your teeth before I read you a story or after?” “Do you want to wear the red top or the pink top?” I think giving them choices makes them feel like they are making their own decisions, while I’m guiding them to make the correct ones. Great post!
Thanks Ladies. Harriet, see I was thinking I needed to be more like that, take charge. Like this is the way it is and that’s it. Allygyrl, thanks for saying that. That was one of things I would say growing up is that my kids will have choices. Thanks Tara, now I see the choices you give your children as the right types of choices. They should be treated as little people who also have opinions. But my husband pointed it out to me that I ask them too much when I know that I want them to do it at that moment. That’s what I have been working to correct.
Riswas,
I meant to respond to you too. My mother never asked us anything, lol. It was just you do that or you do this, point blank and period. lol. I thought my kids would benefit from having a little more freedom.
I try so hard not to be my mother that I smother my son. When ask if he wants to take a bath or brush his teeth he tells me point blank no and give me a scary look. My husband is the one that disciplines our son and I am the one to comfort him. This is a problem in our home because my husband thinks that our son manipulates me to get what he wants all the time. He thinks that our children should be scared of us, but I don’t want my children to be scared of us I want them to respect and obey us, but I know for me personnally I hated how our mother was a drill sargeant growing up, she would yell, and scream all the time and dont forget she she would whip our a** if we misbehaved. So I am definetly working on ways to get my son to listen to me and respect me as his mother and provider. Wish me luck. GREAT POST
@CartersMom
Your husband may have a point. I think children know when one parent is more strict than the other. My son and daughter know what they can get away with when they are with their aunt, uncle, my parents, and their paternal grandparents. They even know that I’m more strict than their dad. If you let them they will play you against their other parent. I know this from personal experience.
As for my blooper I think I’m like Harriet. Like my way or the highway type.
Bloopers happen! Parenting is trial and error and we all know what works on one kid will not work on all. My blooper is more of a “big mistake”. I, like some of the commenters did not give my kids enough chores. We have family meetings and I aksed my son why doesn’t he take out the garbage? He said “what do I look like taking out the garbage when it’s his house(he pointed at my husband). I turned into Bill Cosby and said “boy, that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard”. Of course we all busted out laughing. My 20 yr. old tries so hard to not get a paying job that that she volunteers. She just finished volunteering at Big Brother, Big Sisters,(she worked there for 7 months, it was for college credit). Now she is volunteering for CASA, they are advocates for childen’s rights. Too all the parents with little ones, chores never killed a kid. Don’t do what I did because my daughter is on my payroll. I pay her cell bill, car insurance and because she changed colleges this semester she lives with me and I give her an allowance. My 24 yr. old has had her own off campus apt. since she was 19. She works two jobs to pay her bills, while still being on the Deans list. How is it that I managed to raise her to be independent when she was my first kid. Aren’t we parents suppose to get better with each kid? Of course my first born was 35 when she was 2. LOL.
This was a great post. I love to talk about my kids and reminse of yester year reading the comments.
Anna, your post was hilarious. Your son’s comment about it being your husband’s house just brought tears to my eyes. I am happy you added this, because my girls are right at the point where it is time to get serious about giving them chores. Thanks for the confirmation.