From time to time on urban radio I’ve heard an interesting discussion. I hear radio jocks\DJ’s tell women something like this,
DJ: “Stop tripping and let that man see his kids.”
Woman: “But he ain’t paying child support”
DJ: “He needs to see them anyway, that child needs to see their father”
Woman: “But he’s not about nothing, he doesn’t have a job, he has kids all around town he doesn’t take care of, he’s using drugs, disrespecting women, etc”... etc”... etc”...”
DJ: “Don’t take it out on the child, they need to have a relationship with their dad”
I think this is Pure-D Garbage. The argument that having a bad dad is better than no dad at all doesn’t sit right with me. How about that guy get off his butt, get a job to help support those kids then he can see them?
One of the things that’s really terrible is that a man can get a woman pregnant and really walk away from all responsibility. I do feel for the women on that part who are left to raise these kids on their own. What’s just as bad is how it seems like the men that try to take care of their kids are often penalized the most by the court systems or by angry baby mamas while these other dudes are living life to the fullest and given the most chances (coming out of rant mode”...)
Back to the main topic. I think it’s better for children to have no role models rather than poor ones in the house. That father figure is held on a pedestal by their children. especially the sons and this is what they will grow up thinking a man is supposed to do.
BMWK family what do you think? If he’s not trying to help support the kids financially, only buying tennis shoes on holidays, not working a steady gig, missing and forgetting birthdays, seeming like he’s more interested in trying to get with moms than the kids, etc”... (you get the point) should he still be able to see the kids whenever he wants?
This is a question more complex and deserving of more considered and respectful than the post suggests. I say this with all the love and respect to BMWK, you are good folks without question. I am divorced from the mother of my children and I live with all 3 of my children some 1200km (sorry I use metric)away. I had to go to court to get my children whom I have thought would be better with mommy in the house that I left them with, in addition to paying for everything including my teenage daughter’s sanitary stuff. I say this not to trash my ex but to indicate to the reader that this is an emotional and complex matter.
I send my children to go see their mother (warts and all she is their mother) every school holidays – I wish she would pay for half the trip but that is another matter. The decision to do so is premised on one fundamental question: “Is it in the interest of my children to send them to their mother?” If yes, then do it regardless of what the mother/father does or does not do materially for the children. If my ex exposed any of my children to danger or abuse or anything that objectively speaking, would prejudice the safety and wellbeing of my children; that would be the end of the trips to mommy – she will have to see them under supervision by a social worker.
I am concerned that both the excerpt from the radio show and the post above seem to suggest that the father will see the children in return for payment of child support. That I am afraid cannot be right. I take my hat off to the millions of single mothers raising their children and mostly those raising boys to be good men inspite of their fathers. The only question in my view should be the general wellbeing of the child when left in the care of his or her father. If the father is on drugs and participates in all manner of risky conduct that may (and often does)prejudice the wellbeing, safety and care of the child; then I am afraid the man can only see the child under supervision. It should never be up to either parent to deny the other access to the children. Children need to know their parents warts and all. Children are a lot smarter than we think and they can, sooner than we think tell what time it is.
When you have the means, however modest, to raise your children, do so with love, care and openness. Never denigrate the other parent – truth is, they do the denigrating of themselves well enough. Just be there to love your kids when they come back from their visit and to assure them that your home is the one constant in their lives that will never change. Do not entertain any complaints about the other parent either, rather tell them to have that conversation with that parent the next time they visit.
I may not approve of the woman my ex is or the mother that she is; but the truth is, she is the woman I got naked and nasty with! Same should apply to that deadbeat fella, shouldn’t it?
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. . . sorry all, it is meant to be considered and more respectful response
MoAfrikas last blog post..Picking at the Pikoli Report
Hm… I’ve mentored children for years and I too have wondered if it is better to NEED a mentor than to have a bad one. I’m on the side of not having one is less hurtful.
I agree with MoAfrika’s point of there seeming to be something wrong with seeing the children being an exchange for payment. But I’m not really sure. If you didn’t ‘pay’ for a roof over your head… the STATE would take your child and you wouldn’t be able to see your lil one. Who knows…
@MoAfrika – In general I don’t do long posts. What I write is intended more so to stimulate conversation and dialog like it has done here instead of you just listening to me. No offense taken.
Like you said yourself, you have to ask the question, ““Is it in the interest of my children to send them to their mother?†or father. I can’t always think that it really is. You made the case that children will sooner or later figure out what time it is but that is not always what happens. So are you going to protect your child from that or expose them to it with the hopes that they’ll figure it out?
I think in the case with single mothers raising boys, these boys often times put the fathers on a pedestal. This results in the thinking that daddy can’t do any wrong. When daddy doesn’t come to see them or doesn’t call them for a while guess who gets the blame… not daddy but the mother that’s there holding it down. It’s because of her he won’t come around. And it’s easy for the other parent to swoop in after months of no communication to be the hero by taking them out to the mall or movies or doing other fun stuff because they don’t have to do the hard stuff like discipline or making unpopular decisions with the child.
And in regards to MoAfrika’s point about seeing kids in exchange for payment. Basically that’s just the way it is. If you pay your support unless you’re totally unfit you’ve got the rights through the court system to see them anyway so half of this becomes a moot point.
@King James – The second part of what you wrote is what kills me. The parent they stay with doesn’t have the choice of not providing financial support. Not paying money for clothes, food or shelter so sorry folks but money does matter unless you’re rich. And with a man you’re supposed to be the provider for your children. If you got laid off or you’re trying, working multiple jobs etc… my hat is off to you. But there are a lot of dudes out here playing playstation during the day talking about it’s pointless to work because the jobs don’t pay enough money or making the big dollars, driving the nice cars, living in the big house with everything in their mommas name so the courts can’t trace it.
Sorry for the extra long comment. Not my style 🙂 lol
TheDads last blog post..4 Year Old Boy Breaks Into Texas Toystore
Our children need parents who place them first. A father would love their child enough to see that the child is provided for. If the deadbeat male does not care enough to give financial assistance to assure that there is adequate shelter, food, medical care, and the child’s emotional needs are being met – then why would you think that person genuinely cares enough to want to be in the presence of that child? How does someone propose to love another yet do not care enough to see that their basic needs are met? Not providing for your child, yet demanding interaction with them is truly appalling and selfish. The custodial parent is acting unwisely when he/she does not hold that other adult accountable for that child’s well-being. Adults have responsiblities and child-rearing is one that must take priority once you become a parent. NO EXCUSES ACCEPTED!!
*Sigh*
I don’t think dads should be able to see their kids if they have problems like drug use. Anything that puts the kids in harm’s way is not cool at all.
True, more dads should step up and take care of their kids. Once the kids are born, fatherhood is not optional. But keeping them in their lives is not good if they truly don’t want to be there. It’s just sad all the way around.
Tara
https://theyoungmommylife.com
Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Why I still look four (okay, maybe five) months pregnant if I dont suck in my gut
Ppl are stupid. Doesn’t bashing the non custodial spouse about all the other kids they have and not paying child support just reflect back to your own character? How can you lay down with someone not taking care of the kids they already have and then turn around and call them a bum? When you lie down with dogs you get fleas and a baby to support for 18 yrs. Nothing wrong with being selective with your bed mate(s). We take our time to pick out a new coat or a new pair of shoes. I have never once not allowed my ex to see our kids because the checks stopped coming in. You don’t have to call him anything but his goverment name in front of the kids. Kids do grow up and will remember what the non custodial parent did or did not do. You don’t ever have to plant the “negative” seed in their head. I have always told my kids to respect their father. I use to make them call him on bday, holidays or just because. Now that they are older it is their choice. At least they can say that they tried to extend themselves to him. A child needs to have their father in their life unless the guy is on drugs, abusive or a perv. The first heros in a childs life is his parents. They are counting on us for everything.
@TheDad, I saw your comment and did not even read it because it was so long. LOL.(can’t believe I just typed that). I typed what I typed and then read your comment.(hubby cooked dinner and I could not wait to start smashing) We were thinking the same thing. Who do you want to be a hero in the eyes of your child?
@Anna – for clarification what does “hubby cooked dinner and I could not wait to start smashing” mean. I’m thinking it may mean something different in OH than it does in the DC area. Me and TheDad are having a debate on what you meant. Please explain. LOL
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I am a mother who co-parents with a father who is flawed…like me. He is not the man you describe, but the brother ain’t current. And, frankly, despite the fact that he hustles, I think there are less selfish decisions he could make regarding getting something that resembles a steady income that will help me. But…he loves his son. He is there for his son. And, his son loves him. There is no way that I would not allow him to see our son, because of child support issues. I deal with those separately. Like Anna pointed out, although I didn’t know about his financial challenges when we conceived our child, I am not a victim. I made choices that *I* am responsible for. And, the other truth is that relationships are complicated, and sometimes, even with deadbeat dads, there are two parties contributing to a complex web of conflict that ends up impacting the children negatively. I believe that children need both parents and that child support issues are not a sufficient reason for a parent to impede the development of that relationship.
VCSMamas last blog post..Victim Binge #2: Leaf Me Alone!
Oh my goodness,
As soon as a saw the topic I was so drawn in, and excited I couldn’t read anyone elses comments cause I must put my two cents in immiediately. After having a child with a man twice my age (thinking he was more mature and serious about life, how wrong i was..) , 3 other baby mamas that didn’t work out,(that was a sign i ignored)and more emotional baggage than anyone I’ve ever met,
who’s top priortiy seemed like his kids, but only turned out to be himself, I initially wanted my son to have a relationship with him no matter what.
Even though he’s not the best example of what a man should be (Hardworking, dedicated, staying committed to his family, reliable, understanding, mature, as financially savvy as possible, and puts his kids needs before his own, Just to mention a few qualities a good man should possess)
I thought it was best for my son to know where he came from whether i liked the man or not. Well I was down for the ride until i began to realize that if i allow this, knowing how his dad is and seeing him already not fulfilling his promises, or obligations to my son at 1 years old, and having such a self centered and negative view on life I decided my son is better off with him not around. (Otherwise, his poisonous words will seep into my son and make him just as vindictive)
If he could humble himself enough to say that he may not be where he needs to be financially but he’s able to spend time with his son and be a good role model, then i would have no problem. But its impossible to expect me to be understanding with a man not fulfilling his financial and emotional duties with his child and expect me to cooporate with him, when ever he decides he feels like seeing his son for a few minutes.
What trips me out is that If i wanted to get back together, shack up and play married with the three of us, he’d be down to jump on the free ride. But because I won’t tolerate his mistreatment on various levels, and get back with him, he does nothing for my son. Talk about selfish, I’ve never known a person so selfish, they would put their personal needs in front of their child’s well being.
That’s why my son will not get too close to him, until he’s older and has been molded already and knows the differance between a good and bad man. I support families staying together but if the parents must split, the least they could do is man up (both of them) and do what’s best for the child and not for themselves.
I’ve tried every peace making solution to get my son’s father more involved in his life and every one has failed…because he’s the problem. So where God closes one door, he’s opening another…..The best thing i can do now is work on having positive male influences in his life as he grows older.
Oh yeah and of course, I’m making wiser choices on who is allowed into my life and especially careful with those involoved in my son’s life.
@TheMom, ” Im thinking it may mean something different in OH than it does in the DC area.”
I threw down eatting. When we go out to dinner there are certain meats I will not order. Anything that has to be eatten without a knife I will not order but will order that meal to go for another day, i e., ribs and buffalo wings or anything that you have to pick up that has a bone in it.
* In public I order foods that require a fork.
As a divorced mother of two school-aged children. My ex and I have seemed to make this divorced thing work out for the best for our children. We as parents must do what is best for our children, which means we may end up on the short end of the stick. Its not about you but, your children. Our children will learn who we are as they get older. Bad mouthing the missing parent is not fair to our children. We all make mistakes. One parent is not better than the other. However, if the parent is living a lifestyle that is not suitable for your children then be present at the visit. Your children will thank you lately.
While I am busy trying to get out of the door (and admittedly havent been able to read each post thoroughly), I am compelled to throw my 2 cents in.
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: My first husband and I are divorced (thank you, Jesus) and I am remarried. My ex husband –
1. is a functioning alcoholic
2. a raving maniac (as he has slashed my tires on 2 separate occasions)
3. has anger management issues
4. does not financially or emotionally support our son
5. slanders me (to anyone that will listen) every chance he gets
Through all of that, I still “allowed” our son to visit with him. The straw that broke the camel’s back, however, was my son coming home and telling my husband and I that –
1. my daddy says he is going to kill you; and,
2. my ex husband confronting my husband and saying – “I dont care if you are supporting my son. He will eat your food and sh** on your floor in due time”.
Oh hell no. Restraining order,anyone?!?!?!?
Have a blessed Sunday, y’all.
Children need to be taught what is right and wrong. Children need both parent no matter what. I was raised in a single parent home and my father did not pay child support at all. My mother still let me see him anytime I wanted, in addition he used drugs and struggle with other things. He still knew what was right and wrong and wanted the best for me. Withholding visitation in exchange for money causes some dads to get violent. All he wants is to see his kids. He feels that is the only thing he did right that he can be proud of. The child support issue is about the mother. I hate to say it but SOME moms aren’t using the money on the children.
@bangin209 -“He still knew what was right and wrong and wanted the best for me. ” There are some fathers or mothers that simply display that they don’t care what is right or wrong or about whats best for the child.
And for the argument that some moms abuse child support. There are always people that abuse any system that’s in place. For every woman that abuses child support there are many more that desperately need it.
Oh – and the child support thing is far from being about just the mother. I think people that say that most of the time are the people that don’t have children living with them. It takes money to raise a child. Feeding them, clothing them, providing a place for them to live and sleep. It’s not free.
Yes I need my dad! I need new winter clothes and two and a half years of child support. My mom begins the process now as Ontario, Canada has an agreement with Maryland. My dad’s listed assets are $6 Million and he drives a Cadillac Escalade and a Mercedes C class and cut off my mom’s child support in 2006 because she cursed out his aunty for abusing me. When I went to live with my dad on the joint custody order, she will leave me at home from 9-5 with cold pizza and the TV while she went to work. I was only 5 years old and did not know about 911 or I would have called. My dad also live in a house that is listed as $2.3million in the Washington Post. He is married to the woman he was sleeping with while my mom was pregnant. I JUT NEED MY MONEY!
Written by a real kid, KJ.
KJ Taiwo, the Kid Reporters last blog post..LAST NITE’S CHRISTMAS CONCERT IN SCHOOL WAS GREAT!
I was a single mother to three children. I’m newly married and now I have help, my oldest daughter who is 16 years old, has had a yo-yo for a dad,he has never once helped me with anything, maybe a pair of sneakers here and there, but nothing compared to what I’ve bee doing. I have never denied him from seeing her though,because I feel like the presence of him is better than none at all.My daughter knows her father ain’t sh**t, but she also knows that he loves her. He may not be able to afford to buy her the things she needs and wants, but love is free.I provide her material needs and wants, and he provides the emotional needs and wants. there were even times when, she wanted to go to the movies, with her dad but, he didn’t have any money. So I gave him the money on the D.L. so he could take her to the movies, it’s about the quality of time spent , not how much. I just want her to have the same kind of relationship , that me and my dad had. (r.i.p)
This is such a touchy subject with me.
My father did not pay child suppport, nor did he come and see us for a whole year at one point. He lived in the same city as us, guys. See, his new wife had three kids who he helped support instead of us.
Regardless of what happened between my mother and father, and what money he did not pay….we would have prefered his time…just his time. I can’t tell you how many broken promises and days sitting by the window my brother and I encountered as children becasue it was just too many. I have also discussed these things with my father as an adult so I could begin my own healing process. We still don’t see each other but 2 times a year…He STILL stays in the same city guys.
It takes two to tango…as long as he is not doing drugs, let the father always have open communication and visitation with their children. The kids didn’t ask to be here, nor can they choose their parents.
Some fathers care and some don’t.
Just make sure you do your part and take that joker to court if he makes it a habit of not paying.
“Sure your honor, he sees his kids, takes them to the park, BUT”……
It’s business baby…
I think that parents need to be able to see their kids. As long as they’re not exposing the children to harmful situations, then there is no reason why a man should be denied access to his children. I believe as much as the next person in child support and financial responsibility, but like ewok said most kids just want their parent’s time. Once they grow up and realize that the mother kept their father away from them just because he wasn’t financially there, then there will be some serious resentment coming. As a child who grew up with divorced parents that’s all I wanted from my father is to see him and hang out. I didn’t understand my mother wanting us to ask him to pay for the various things we needed. But that’s what she was thinking about and as a mother now that’s all I would be concerned about if my husband and I divorced so I can understand her angle. I just think that children are often used as pawns and that’s completely unfair.
Being the single parent of children, the one thing that has been the biggest issue with their dads seeing them is the fact that they didn’t seem to understand that “its about the child, not the parent(s).” Spending time with the child(ren)is supposed to benefit the child, not to be self-gratifying only for the non-custodial parent. Or they only wanted to be bothered with the children when it was convenient for them. In most cases to make themselves appear to be “good fathers” to others, not necessarily to spend quality time with the kids. In addition, they didn’t seem to understand that they can’t call up the kids at any moment (that once or twice a year, for one dad) stating that they want to see him/her immediately, and expect the child to drop everything just because they decided to surface. The kids have a life, and they don’t sit on a shelf until the non-custodial parent decides he/she wants to be bothered. The non-custodial parent needs to be “trained” to understand that the kids have lives, rules and expectations and, if they want to be in their lives they must learn to incorporate themselves into the kid’s lives the way that is best for the child, not him/her. It should be either the right way (quality time, child support and all), or the highway.
I don’t think TheDad implied that children should be used as bargaining tools for Child Support. Not paying child support is a symptom to the much bigger problem of being responsible. If a Baby Daddy is not paying child support due to no fault of his own (cant find a decent job, illness or other reasonable factor), then that is one thing, but all too often Baby Daddys simply dont even try to do whats right by their children. They make no attempts at all to raise their children.
I think a Babys Daddy who doesnt pay child support but helps out in other meaningful and responsible ways (like picking the child up from school or daycare, taking the child to doctor apts, ect) is a good role model. I think that is what TheDad was trying to differentiate between a good role model and a bad one.
Okay this is hard As a mom with two kids with dead beat dads yes with an s. I don’t want to be made the bad guy with my kids so I try to let them see their dads then there’s times were I just have to play bad and hope my kids will understand as they grow up. for one reason this subject is easy for some and hard for others when the child is a baby and just starting out its easy to say rather you want them to be involved with the father but as time goes on and you let the child know who dad is , Like I did its even harder due to kids crying out for that person and you knowing the real deal. I say do whats best for you and that child. if you really think about it we had sex with them so what changed? I stop my son from seeing his dad for a big reason He stole things from my child and me even if it was my money out my wallet it still could of been for my son. but when my son asked about him I tried to let back into our lives but not much changed he has gotten worst so How do you deal with it> I believe in the lord so Now with my husband at my side my son and daughter is seeing what a real dad can do as well as their blood line dad. To top it off my husband is a father who wanted to be in his child’s life but there’s reason y he is not there now but he makes it know to his child that his always there for him and that’s y I don’t feel bad for not letting my kids see their blood line dads as much. Because they will see that Mommy was not being mean, she was trying to let us see for our selves the wrong in our fathers…and the difference that a good can do!
Well speaking from experience i have two girls by two different men ages 1 & 9. The 9 yr olds father just got of prison 3 yrs ago he left when she was 1 and returned when she was 6 1/2. I thought maybe when he got out he was gonna be a dad to her but he turned his focus on his new girlfriend. I mean stay a few blocks from his daughter and will not come see her. I’m not asking everyday but make your point let your child know you are there. I feel like if a man can go live with another woman and her kids everyday i know it should not be hard for you to do the same. Men will do that disown his kids for a whole other family.
So i feel if a man is not taking care of his kids,seeing them only on holidays and not making an effort to be your child’s role model they dont need to be around. We have been having a whole lot of HOLIDAYDADS lately i dont need that problem in my life so i can do it by myself and i am doing it. MyOwnSwaG
I believe that children need to see their dad. Often men do not pay child support as they are attempting to get back at the women. If he buys clothes shoes in lieu of money wouldn’t that suffice. Decent human beings will do that if they see their child has a need. But the key if for the dad to bond with his child or children. the only way they will do that is when they spend time with their dad. Even if the environment is not the best, children have a funny way of motivating their parents My children see their dad who does pay child support albeit 50% less than what the court would dictate.
Consistency is the Key here. I dont think there is a Mother in this world who had a Baby Daddy that was at least trying consistently who would not allow visits. If a Baby Daddy is making consistent efforts to contribute (whether is it cash every month, or diapers and shoes, or diapers one month and cash the next) he is showing himself to be a good role model – someone who is at least trying.
First off to the female getting upset because women have children and the dad turns out to be a loser ( Take a look at the big picture). You dont know what a man will do once faced with the responsibility of raising a child. Most women do not intentionally seek out a future deadbeat dad. Just like women do not expect to get divorces and etc. So regardless of who a person chooses to lay down with if a baby was created then its those two peoples responsibility to take care of them. Regardless if a man has three four or five kids. Oh yeah and here is another tip, just because a man is taking care of the kids he already has doesnt mean he will take care of the ones he lays down and makes with the next female.On the child support issue it is very important that mothers receive that money for the children.Yes it is people who will abuse the system but ultimately women are handling there business for there kids sake.If a man isnt paying or is behind I still think if he is trying to see his kids he should be allowed too. I know its hard but dads are important in our kids life.I have twin boys whose dad doesnt do anything but if he showed up today I would let them go with him because my boys need that role model. If I thought for any reason he was harming them or neglecting them than I wouldnt allow them to go. I wish dads would see how important it is and how wanted and needed they are in there kids lives. And for all the moms taking care of kids alone just keep your head up. It will pay off in the long run. It all will make you stronger.
I can really relate to this topic… If a father isn’t working and just flat out not trying to do anything with his life. I really don’t thing he should be allowed to come around the child because he setting a bad example for that child and he can really influence what that child may think a man should be. I personally don’t want a man around me if he is not a good influence for his child or not trying to help me financially, that would just make the matter more furstrating for me and send out false hope for the child.
Where to begin? I too am a single mother – raising sons. My first child (now 18) was raised solely by me without the ‘comforts’ of child support. My younger son (now 10) is being raised by me with the ‘of and on’ comforts of child support. My oldest son never asked for his father – nor did his father ask for him. My youngest does know who is father is – by name only (let’s call him ‘Jack’). Jack was good for the first year of his son’s life. Then, he became scarce. I’ve never held the non-payment issue over Jack’s head. Yet, he still refuses to do right by his son. He can muster up the nerve to call me to be intimate (which I do not), but when I tell him that his son needs him more than I do, he changes his mind. I’ve even offered to DROP the child support in exchange for him to spend time with his son – he denied. Jack is now married and his wife knows about my son, yet Jack still won’t invite him over, spend time with, or acknowledge holidays (including my son’s birthday). All this spilled with the purpose of saying this…. Blackmailing a man to spend time with his child doesn’t work – if he’s a pathetic man, nothing will change him. The child will make note of the parent’s absence and will come to their own conclusions about whether they WANT to be apart of their father’s (and sometimes mother’s) life. There are GREAT single parents out there (male and female) who are doing outstanding jobs on their own. As for me, I’ve been blessed with a man who treats both my sons as his own and does a great job! (The younger even calls him ‘dad’ and started asking less about his paternal parent). Just because a male has a kid, doesn’t mean he should be a part of that child’s life.
As a mother my sole focus is my children. Whether or not their father sees them or doesn’t see them, I still have to get up everyday and make sure they’re okay. I’m not going to beg and plead with a man to take care of them or to spend time with them if he doesn’t want to be there. A father should WANT to spend time with his children or at least make sure that they’re provided for. And if he doesn’t then that’s his problem. I had a friend who tried desparately to get her baby daddy to be there and he chose not to because he didn’t like her and he was in a new relationship. But then when she told him she was going to move out of state he was all upset and wanting to see the child. I guess he figured that the child would always be around waiting on him to get his act together.
I can’t really relate to having to decide this issue personally because I’m married to my children’s father, but I was raised by a single parent. My dad paid the bare minimum of child support and saw us even less. But as a child all my sister and I wanted was his time. I can definitely relate to MyOwnSwaG when she says that men will disown their own kids. My father got remarried to a woman that had 1 child, then had another child with her. He had a new house built in the suburbs, bought several cars, taking road trips and overseas vacations every year and my sister and I were eating Ramen noodles for dinner living in the hood.
The thing that kills me is women who think that they can determine what a “good father” is, when many of them don’t even have a relationship with their own fathers!
I was raised by my father so I see things a little different. my father did a lot of things that were messed up and as a man I saw where they led. What I am trying to say is that… YES my father taught me, through formal instruction, how to cook, clean, iron my shirts, and pay my bills. He also through his ACTIONS how NOT to treat a woman, why I should NOT get high…. he taught me that I need to stand on my own two feet and not be dependent on a woman.
And let me say something else… I strongly believe that deadbeat fathers are only irresponsible because they are allowed to be. I know that when the time I really began to REALLY love my daughter was when her mother more or less left her on my doorstep, in a manner of speaking… and after that… I was in HEAVEN! I began to have a relationship with her, develop an intimacy with her…. private jokes, silly games, etc
@Anthropological I think you’re seeing things from your experience. There are many women who try desparately to get their child’s father involved, but he could care less. There are women like Deshannon who try to make a compromise just so their children can know their fathers and still the dad could care less. To say that fathers are allowed to be irresponsible is insensitive and ignorant, in my opinion. A woman shouldn’t have to drop their kids off on the father’s “doorstep”. If you lay down to make a baby you should be involved from day 1. Some women don’t feel like jumping through hoops to get their baby daddy involved. So are they enabling the deadbeat behavior, just because they don’t feel like dropping the kids off on the doorstep?
And also a woman doesn’t have to have a relationship with her own father in order to know what a good father is supposed to be. If my guy is not taking care of his responsibilities (i.e. kids) then he is not a good father regardless if I knew my father or not. It is completely irrelevant.
@Constance…
Are you kidding?
Black women have this thing where Black men are stupid, and to listen or to cooperate with us is either stupid or weak! Black men abandon women because to stay would result in going to prison.
My daughter’s mother for example, will tell me she is going to do something…. I will talk to her and she will yes me to death… and nothing ever happens. she even has my daughter lying to me… and I am not the only man I have heard say this… women think that to be a single mother than to have the father in the picture, because they dont have to be accountable… Come on let’s be real. Because women think we are stupid and they know it all…
And as for my daughter’s mother, she came over and dropped off my daughter because she got kicked out of the place she was living. So of course I took my baby in… and I am glad that I did!
As for women who dont have a relationship with their own fathers… HOW THE HELL DO THEY KNOW WHAT A GOOD FATHER IS????
That is the OTHER problem… women hardly know anything about men being fathers so they IDEAL TYPE
And I KNOW a woman doesn’t know a dayumed thing when she uses nebulous terms like “do the right thing” or “taking care of his responsibilities”….
Because in reality… most women just that means kissing her behind, and paying the bills!
@Anthropological
Are YOU kidding?
Like I said before, I believe that your views come from your experiences. Just because your baby mama doesn’t mount up to much doesn’t mean all women are the same. You sound very bitter and angry.
I for one don’t think that men are stupid, nor do any of my friends. Maybe you’re just dealing with the wrong black women because I know plenty that are sane and rational.
I think that it’s sad that the only way that you really came to be involved in your daughter’s life is when her mother got kicked out on the street. But hey however it happened, the end result is that it happened and that’s a blessing.
I didn’t have a real relationship with my father, but yet when I look at my husband I know that he is one. When I see my kids enjoying time with their father that I missed out on growing up, I know that’s what a father is supposed to be like. When I see them running to him when he comes home from work, that feels right. When I see him getting excited about their developmental milestones, that feels right. When I see him forsaking some of his social time to take the kids to the park or to teach our daughter how to ride a bike, that feels right. When I see him commenting on how short little girl’s clothes are or getting excited about our son throwing a ball accurately, all of that feels right. So as you can see regardless of the fact that my father wasn’t a big part of my life growing up, my children are blessed with having a good father.
Just because I used the phrase “taking care of his responsibilities” doesn’t mean that I don’t know what a good father is. I don’t have to know the inner workings of man to know what a father is supposed to be. A good father is not one who will wait on his baby mama to demand that he be involved in his child’s life, but will take the initiative from the get go. A good father is someone who wants the best for his child regardless of his differences with the mother. A good father is one who the child can always count on not just when it’s convenient for him. A good father is someone that wants to know his child, not just be content with sending the check every month. And as far as the check goes, a real man would do whatever it takes to get that paper for his kids vs. being content with “I don’t have it” excuses. And to me if a man was doing these things then he would be “taking care of his responsibilities”.
As for myself, I don’t need anyone to kiss my behind and frankly I would think a man was weak if he did. Just because it’s your perception doesn’t make it reality.
Like I said, I just think you’re messing with the wrong chicks or maybe your head isn’t at the level to know a good chick when you see her.
I’m speaking to everyone as a mother. Yes, I do agree if it has to do with the safety of my children then “NO” a child should not be allowed to be with the absent parent. My children’s father didn’t pay child support he would still and was allowed to visit with them. Dead beat dad yes, he was. Fact he is still there father and when the child is old enough to decide for themselves they will know just what type of father they may or may not have. As a child that grew up without a father figure in my life I still feel that my mother should have allowed my a chance to know who he was instead of me trying to connect now as an adult. I love her for protecting me, but it still hurt me in the end.
When you are in a meaningful relationship with a man and a child comes into play you never know what choices he going to make when that child comes. I have a deadbeat when we were togethter he was more active in my sons life once we separated it was like were is waldo!! i tried to be understanding at first not trying to take him to child support, But as time passed he saw my child less and less and stop helping all together.No I don’t think they should be allowed to see there childern.Once they have proved that they are true about being in that childs life then me the active parent who provides food, clothing ,shelter, and the everyday unconditional love will decide.
BITTER?
why is it that whenever a man has a problem with a woman he is bitter? And it is your condescending tone that tells me that you think that I am stupid. So let me tell you something… just by your definition of a “taking care of his responsibilities” tells me that you have bought into this whole idea of a father as being a monetary position.
Allow me to inform you… the greatest thing that a father can give his child has NOTHING to with money….
My father gave me a love of learning, and reading, which took me to college, and has my apartment full of books…. I think THAT is a RESPONSIBILITY.
My father established a moral and religious foundation that has kept me out of prison. He showed me that a man can have a love for God and be fallible… a regular guy who showed me that you dont have to turn water into wine to love God.
that too, is a responsibility….
as I read your definitions I KNEW you had no concept of what a father is….
Ok so here is the thing…the answer to this question can be different for everyone. Different strokes for different folks. I can only talk to my situation, based on my personal experience I am going to say NO WAY….if you have a dead beat dad who is not doing anything for the child weather it be finically mentally, emotional or spiritually then why do you need to add a negative person to the childs life? What because he was the sperm donor? I dont think so. My daughters father had plenty of chances to come and see her but he is a lazy do nothing go no where brother and I am not going to allow my daughter to grow up and think that it is ok for a man, never mind her father to sit on his butt while I kill myself making sure she has everything she need in life while he his is doing nothing. OH COME ON ARE YOU FOR REAL? Look my daughter has a lot of positive men in her life she has two great uncles who treat her like a princess, a grandfather who would do anything for her and a load for cousin that would move mountains for her….these are the men I have chosen to be in my daughters life…these are the men that I want her to know are real, hard working, honest, loving, and caring. She know that here father is out there and she has his number and he has hers, she know that he has a lot of growing up to do and maybe one day he will grow up and then stand up and be a man…and take care of his child. Until then my daughter has all she need in her family. She will know what qualities to look for when it comes time to choose a husband and hopeful a father for her children…. I just dont understand why we make so many excuse for these lazy men when it comes to there children….let a mother do half of when these men do and folks would be ready to stone her!!!
Anthropological clearly you’re not even worth my time responding to. It’s like you already have preconceived notions about what you THINK women are about and any effort on my part to get you to open your mind is being met with rebuttals.
If my tone upset you, I apologize because I definitely was not trying to be condescending. It just frustrates me as a mother for people to think that it’s the mother’s fault why the father isn’t involved. I know my mother had an open door policy with my father. It was HIS choice to go to Europe rather than checking to see if his kids had lunch money. It was HIS choice to make plans with us and then cancel at the last minute. To say that a single mother ALLOWS a father to be irresponsible is inconceivable, in my opinion. Now there are SOME women that use their children as pawns, but I think for the most part single mothers want their child’s father in their kid’s life.
Clearly you either didn’t read my whole message or you tried to twist my message to fit your line of thinking.
Yes you sound bitter. To me if you weren’t bitter then your discontent would be directed towards your baby mama (or whichever woman hurt you) vs. all women in general.
I do not think that you are stupid. You sound like a rather intelligent man. Your views might be a little callow, in my opinion, but I definitely do not think that you are stupid.
I don’t see how you could perceive my response as indicating that I believe fathers are only there for a monetary responsibility. I brought up money once and what I actually said was this, “A good father is someone that wants to know his child, not just be content with sending the check every month.” So clearly I do not think that fathers are only there for money.
All of the things that your father instilled in you are great and you should be thankful and he should be proud.
I don’t see how my “definition” doesn’t grasp the concept of a father. Please “inform” me some more.