All this week we’ll be running classic posts in addition to our regular content to celebrate our one year anniversary on Blackandmarriedwithkids.com! Original post date: Feb. 19, 2008.
Life coach Gail Blanke says that: “there’s no better way to grab someone’s attention..” than to flirt. In her article, Turn on the charm ““get what you want, she says:
How do you draw the line between harmless flirting and being disrespectful to your mate? I think the line is fuzzy and therefore, I do not flirt..or at least I try to make a conscious effort not to flirt. In the article, they say you should make the other person you are talking to feel like a million bucks. As a married woman, I think that would be inappropriate. Please send me your comments on this topic.
BMWK, Do you feel like it is OK to flirt to get what you want?
Harriet says
Flirt: to behave amorously without serious intent.
I’m not behaving amorously with anyone but my husband…and I have serious intent with him. I’m with you, TheMom. I think it’s disrespectful.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
Oh, man. I hate flirting. LOL.
I don’t think you should be flirting with anyone other than your spouse. (Single folks – do what you do!) Like you said, it is a fuzzy line between harmless flirting and something more, so why even go there?
People call me insecure, but I prefer to think of it as cutting off any trouble before ish happens.
Tara
https://theyoungmommylife.com
Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..I have to keep telling myself, “Playing the lottery is NOT a good investment strategy.â€
Mrs. Woodley says
I find it very interesting to see this topic. I figured I jump in and make a comment. My husband and I have been married for 5 happy years and together for a little over 6 years. I don’t really know how it happened, but we both noticed that we are pretty big flirts early on in our relationship. So, “on occassion” we end up going out separately with friends–restaurants, parties, even a club every now and again–sometimes we end up being flirted to by others and “for fun” we respond. It makes us both feel good to know that we still “have it.” The flirting ends where it begins. It’s totally innocent, we do not exchange numbers or anything. We simply talk about it when we get home and laugh about whatever was entertaining or funny about the other person and how we may have been intriguing to the other person. It brings a notion of fun to our relationship and we get a kick out of it. I guess the security in our relationship–not just our marriage, but our plan for our lives, our businesses, our futures and careers–are so much more glue that keeps us together. The flirting means nothing because we both know that it’s nothing compared to the empire we are building. I think that everyone likes to be “admired” so when it happens–we go with the flow and have fun with it.
TheDad says
@Mrs. Woodley – what about the people the two of you are flirting with? Are you ever concerned that they may get the wrong impression or get carried away at some point?
Mrs. Christian says
A good rule of thumb is – if the things that you say or do in private, you cannot do in the presence of your partner, then dont do it. Flirting, most certainly, fits into that category.
I dont think that flirting is harmless. There “may” be harmless intent, however, one never knows just how the receiver will receive this attention. That may open pandoras box for all kinds of other situations. Leave it alone.
TheDad says
@Mrs. Christian – “one never knows just how the receiver will receive this attention. That may open pandoras box for all kinds of other situations.”
That was my point exactly. Especially when flirting with a man. You may think it’s friendly but men think in an entirely different way. (See… Lost in Translation post)
ewok says
I know my man and he knows me. We are checking for only each other while we are out and about….heck, all the time. When we go out,we just need the atmosphere, the rest of the world is our background music… and that’s how it should be.
If I saw him flirting with some woman, I would be hurt. And I know if he saw the same, he would be upset as well.(furious)
What’s sexy is when women are checking him out and he is holding my hand, taking only to me and letting me know that I am the only woman for him. And he gets the same from me in public as well.
We just love each other and want each other to feel comfortable and loved all of the time. This is effortless because of the mutual respect we have for each other.
So, I say no to the flirting. We are beyond all of that and have nothing to prove about still having “it”…..we alread know we do.
Mrs. Woodley says
Hello all, I’m happy that this is turning out into a good discussion, but a little surprised that I’m the only one on this side of the fence. Nevertheless to answer “thedad”–Anyone who sees my/my husband’s wedding ring automatically knows the deal. Flirting is harmless in my opinion. For example, just a couple of weekends ago, I was at a holiday party. A gentleman was admiring me while I was getting ready to pay for my own drink at the bar–So we started chatting–or behaving “amorously” as defined above. However, I do question the “with serious intent” part. I tend not to take everything I hear or read literally. Also, to point out–this is just one definition of the word. I say flirting can be with or without serious intent–So flirthing “without serious intent” is harmless. In my opinion, although we were just chatting about general things, life, business, the ecomony, where I’m from, where he’s from and the like–it was totally innocent, in the back of mind–I was very aware that if I wanted things to go further, then more than likely they could have. Not tooting my own horn–but I’m an intelligent, interesting and beautiful woman. My husband is an intelligent, interesting and handsome man. We would both be foolish to think that other people would not see those qualities and may want to at least “talk” or flirt or however you wish to call it. The thing is that “I” am always in control of what I do–not the other person. I came home and told my husband all about it. At the end of the day, the man is a strong professional in his field and someone that both me and/or my husband could end up doing business or networking/referring one day. I say, you never know who you could meet or come across and how it could benefit me and/or them so why not chat, flirt, behave amorously or whatever. I was asked on a date at the end of the evening and I kindly declined reminding him that I was married, but still love to meet interesting people. That was it. Have gave me his card and I placed in my business card holder. End of story…
Gwen Jimmere says
@Tara, I agree 100% with out and I don’t think that makes you insecure at all. Actually I think it makes you wise and respectful of the monogamy you share with your husband. I do not think it’s okay to say, “Well, I’m a natural flirt so it is what it is. I’m gonna do me.” Yes, some people are more flirtatious than others, but that doesn’t make it acceptable. That’s like saying, “Hey, alcoholism runs in my family so it is what it is. I’m gonna do what comes natural.” Um…no…that is NOT okay. I would not tolerate someone who deemed it acceptable to flirt with other women. That would be disrespectful to me and I’m positive he would feel the same way. That doesn’t mean I’m insecure. That means I have standards. Of course, my standards aren’t everyone else’s standards, so if someone is comfortable with that sort of thing, then I suppose that’s fine. But for me, no way.
Gwen Jimmeres last blog post..Gwen on the Radio this Sunday
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@MrsWoodley – I’m glad you and your husband are secure in your relationship. As intelligent, attractive people, you probably will get hit on. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, especially if you talk it out with each other and laugh about it later. To each his own.
My only question is that when you do network like that and you start a business relationship that started as “harmless flirting” at the bar, what happens then? How do you move past his initial attraction to you? Does it just disappear and you have a strictly professional relationship? I guess it kind of does back to the whole “men and women can’t be friends” thing. Once a man has approached you in sexual way, can he see you in a strictly professional way? I don’t think so, but I’d love to hear your thoughts on that, and how you’ve handled it.
Also: how your husband would handle it. If you came home and laughed about how this guy was trying to get with you at the bar, then over time you two develop a business relationship and are working late nights together, would that cause any tension? I’m just curious. I love seeing how other married couples are… 🙂
Tara
https://theyoungmommylife.com
Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..I have to keep telling myself, “Playing the lottery is NOT a good investment strategy.â€
elle denise says
It always starts out so “harmless”, but overall is just plain “disrespectful”…
Just don’t do it.
elle denises last blog post..Music: Jimeka Katherine
ewok says
I know a couple that used to be married. They liked to flirt and eventually became swingers ……they are divorced now. Actions speak louder than words.
Tyrone says
Mrs. Woodley
I see your point of view. I am a married. I don’t flirt. However, if you read books like “The Tipping Point” (not trying to promote it), but it supports the fact the some are more social than others. Also, people should take responsibility for their actions. If it seems like it is going beyond the esoteric boundaries into areas where it is disrespectful then stop it. In many aspects of everyday interaction flirting occurrs from doing business to making a purchase at the store. At times I joke with ladies in the office and vice versa, but it does not go beyond that. I may be a little friendly to a cashier and at times my wife is there. I am not saying I flirt like I am coming on to a woman in front of my wife, but I may smile say something funny and we all have a A little playful banta should be just that. As to how far flirting goes it has to do with the individuals involved true intentions.
P.S. Great site!
Anita Ramaiya says
This is and interesting topic. This is not about insecurity but rather disrespect as a married spouse. I know flirting is very harmful because you have no idea of the other person intend. To you it might seem harmless, but have you stop to think how the next person feels? Once in a social gathering, a man started to flirt with me by winking his eye, I responded with a smile. Next he bought a bottle of wine and send it to our table of five (5) ladies. We looked at each other and smiled even more. He later came to our table and asked me to dance I agreed. After the dance I knew it was time to get out but this man wanted to follow and will not let me go. I told him I am married but he did not care. His remarks “too many women lied they are married when they are not”. Even with my rings on, it made no difference to him. I called my husband to help me get off this mess. My husband’s appearance made so much difference. We drove off. …Now do u see how harmless on my part it was? yes. Was it enough to make this man think differently? yes. Saying this to say that, next time when we are out both male and female, and we think about flirting, let’s ask ourselves HOW WILL THE NEXT PERSON TAKE MY FLIRTING? WILL HE OR SHE TAKE IT SERIOUS?
Harriet says
Wow @ Anita. I’m glad it didn’t go any further than that. It could have ended badly for all involved. Thanks for sharing/warning.
Anthony says
I think that there are two issues in the flirting issue. I flirt. But I don’t flirt with people that I just meet. I wouldn’t flirt with someone I just met at a bar or a club. I think that flirting in those situations means something totally different then flirting with people you know or have a working relationship with. Flirting with someone you just meet is akin to advertising and soliciting. I don’t club and I don’t do bars, as a married man those places are traps. (unless its a sports bar).
All the people that I know and flirt with know that I am married and know my wife. Everyone understands that the flirting is harmless and doesn’t mean anything. But I do like to make my friends feel good about how they look or try to cheer them up when they seem to need a smile.
My wife on the other hand has no control over her flirting. I have been with her and watched her flirt with someone and not know that she was doing it. Luckily, I know her well enough to know she isn’t consciously doing it. And what’s funny is when she realizes that she is flirting, its hilarious to watch her make a concerted effort not to.
I guess my point is that I don’t think flirting is a black and white issue. It is part of how we interact with people.
Anthonys last blog post..Echo? Black Panther?
dede says
I SAY ONLY FLIRT WITH YOUR SPOUSE,IT KEEP THE FIRE HOT AND BURNING. A LOOK ACROSS THE ROOM AT YOUR MATE WITH A SILENT (I WANT YOU) WILL GET IT STARTED. LEAVE FLIRTING TO THE SINGLES. ITS NO FUN WHEN FEELING GET HURT BECAUSE OF A MISCOMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN.
www.greggrules.com says
My wife knows that I am friendly, she knows that I am a nice person, and that’s one of the things that attracted her to me, but being a friendly person has caused problems with some of my associates in the past. For example, I am a photographer. I met a woman a few years ago who was starting a publication and I was really into it, wanting it to succeed for her (and me because I was getting paid). My wife told me (woman’s intuition?), that the woman I was working with “wanted me”. I honestly didn’t see it. To make a long story short, I had to stop working with her, because my wife was right. My wife is not the jealous type either. But I could see what she was seeing in that situation after the fact. There are other woman that I work with (artist, publishers, editors, etc.), and I can be myself, my wife knows them and don’t have a problem with the relationships, and these woman are serious, so there’s no misunderstandings, but every now and then I’ll meet a woman that takes my friendliness for affection. This time last year I was in another situation that eventually had to end, and again, my wife picked up on it immediately way before I did. Now, whenever my wife tells me that she is uncomfortable about the way a woman is acting around me, I listen. I keep my eyes open because I don’t want to lead anyone on. Heck, it’s hard enough dealing with one woman much less TWO! ;)~
The point I’m trying to make is that I don’t think flirting is something married people should be doing (unless you have an “open marriage” which is still being discussed in BMWK). I can’t be, don’t want to be, anyone but the person that I am (I really like being me!), but if I went out intentionally flirting I think a lot of people would be hurt. Again, it’s the lies and deception that are the evil in this situation. IMO, flirting is okay for singles, but not for married people or those that have agreed to be in a one-on-one relationship.
Daisy says
I wasnt going to comment on this blog but today in the gym I overheard a convo about this very topic. A guy talking to what I assumed to be a female and I guess she was telling him she was a big flirt or something of that nature and next thing I know he is telling her he wants to see how she flirts harmlessly. I had to chuckle. He went on to say he didnt realize she considered herself to be a flirt and wasnt sure how he felt about that. I would be interested to see if he continues to date her.
MissJay says
@Anthony
“I think that there are two issues in the flirting issue. I flirt. But I dont flirt with people that I just meet. I wouldnt flirt with someone I just met at a bar or a club. I think that flirting in those situations means something totally different then flirting with people you know or have a working relationship with.”
I have to agree with this comment. I think it’s completely different when you know the person you’re flirting with and they know you would never leave your spouse or step out on them. I have a personal experience with that. I had a coworker and he and I would always speak and he always asked for a hug when I saw him. Now some call that friendly, some call it flirting. But he and I both knew that I had a significant other and he was married. Never went any further than that. Then you have the other side of the story that Anita mentioned. She didn’t know him and he didn’t know her. Then he decided that she was just trying to get a free drink out of him and decided she owed him someting. I personally don’t take drinks from men I don’t know single or otherwise. I guess it’s really complicated and it all depends on the couple and what they decide. But I would definitely not agree to flirting with strangers and especially not in front of the spouse, that is just completely outright disrespectful.
Jonesi says
I was going to say I didn’t totally disagree with Mrs. Woodley until I took time to think about the point Tara made. This issue reallly isn’t about the mate, it’s the the people receiving the action. It’s the same concept of driving like my mother always says when I leave the house, “Be careful, it’s not you I’m worried about, it’s the other crazy folks!” Unfortunately outside people could care less about boundaries. I’m not married but in this four year relationship I can admit in the beginning I didn’t see a problem with flirting until I became aware of the negative way it affected my now fiance.
At the end of the day it just looks bad and just isn’t worth all drama..
LaKeysha says
When I think of flirting I think of it as a way to show availability, behaving in an alluring way. why would I want to be alluring or show availabilty when I am not available? That is leading people on. I mean, we flirt to get reactions, to feel good about impressing another of the opposite sex.
just because youre married does not mean that people view your flirting as harmless and you as unavailable. Um, Most adulterous situations start with flirting.
If i wouldnt do it with my husband there then I shouldnt do it at all.
And what about protecting yourself? There is no point in exposing yourself to that kind of temptation. So protect yourself and your spouse by not even going there.
https://www.greggrules.com says
I totally agree with LaKeysha. If you’re intentionally flirting, you’re aware of what you are doing. “Harmless flirting” is the same as “little white lies”, there’s no such thing. I mean really, those of you that say you flirt harmlessly and that it doesn’t mean anything, you need to examine yourself, becasue you’re not being honest with yourself, because the rest of us know the deal. Personally, I think Mrs. Woodley is looking for a little extracurricular activity… some action, and one day she’s going to find what she’s looking for with someone that’s not going to be as “harmless” as she initially perceived them to be, just like Anita Ramaiya found out, and had to call her husband to get her out of the situation. I wonder how the conversation went with Anita Ramaiya and her husband on the ride home? Did Anita Ramaiya tell her husband The Whole Truth? And if so, did he get totally completly pissed off at both the guy, and her? I’d really like to know. Harmless flirtly… Baa freaking humbug.
Anna says
Some ppl are really “what you see is what you get”. I try so hard to make sure I don’t flirt because I realized the “thin line” years ago some do think that for me to even smile is to flirt. Are the ones who think this is flirting filled with low self esteem or machoism? I am called “smiley” at work, the ppl who call me this don’t even know each other(they are customers). I really think you can flirt and not know it until someone points it out to you. On another note, when I use to go to the club (while married without the spouse but with my non married sis) I would never ever let anyone buy me a drink. Is there a unspoken something or other that says “if a man buys you a drink that you have to dance, entertain or put up with him all night”. Of course if you don’t allow him to buy you a drink, I get to be called a “B” for saying no thank you”. To sum it up, to flirt is a innocent thing when one is only being themselves. On a real note, it is hard to be nice to all without them thinking you “want them”, flirting turns into “stalking”, and it could be that you said a friendly “hi, good morning, or how can I help you, at a job you do each day.
Madeline says
This was a very interesting read. I am recently separated and not happy to be re-entering the singles scene with all the games and deception that await. I imagine that my husband of the last sixteen years and the woman he had an affair with started out with a little harmless flirting. They had worked together over the years so I guess the knowledge that one is unavailable/married only made their intentions less clear. My husband and I were very secure in our relationship. We took pleasure in the attention we each still get from the opposite sex. (We were not flirts that I was aware of.) And knowing that even through we each clearly could choose differently, We were the apple of one anothers’ heart seem to make our relationship that much more sweeter. My vote is that committed people should not be flirting with others for the sake of it. There are plenty of evils to tear you down without having to decide which are real and which are harmless. My husband and I met in high school and everyone who knows us, knew we were married so knowing the person means nothing once the door to a little harmless flirting is opened.
I was moved to wrote on this topic because: #1 you’re just joking until the moment you are not – in other words, flirting is harmless until someone gets harmed then it matters not what you intended. It’s like wrapping the car around a tree. Doesn’t matter if you meant for things to turn out that way, the darn car is still wrecked! #2 if you are just being a friendly little flirt how is the object of this attention supposed to know it is meaningless? I never responded to overt attention when I was married because I thought it would send the wrong message. Now my proof is my husband’s silly excuse that “one day IT just happened”. #3 since I have been married for almost half my life I became a little blind to noticing that a man is subtly flirting with me, now you’re telling me that when I get back in the game, in addition to trying not to miss the clues I will also need to figure out if the guy is actually interested in me or if he is JUST flirting with no intent!
Right now if I did not feel I am loosing my best friend I would probably go run him over a couple of times….
ewok says
@Madeline. He’s not worth running over!…lol.
I am so sorry about your marriage and I know you will move on to greater things in your life. This was the closing of a chapter and you will be grateful in the end that you AT LEAST found out. Some women don’t find out or they choose to live in the clouds to have a warm body next to them at night. I am praying that you find closure and a new spirit……..and a bicycle…LOL!
Hey, you can still get tire marks all over him, and he will be alive to live with the shame ;).
Ginagate says
So what do you do when your husband isn’t a flirt? And you are? “Just flirt with him” isn’t an option in my house; my DH is very sweet but just doesn’t get the verbal subtleties and wry humor I enjoy. So when I go out with girlfriends and the opportunity presents itself — with strangers I’m not likely to see again — I do flex that muscle (gently, natch), and never in an inappropriate manner. It’s not like anyone who flirts with someone they meet at a bar or engage in conversation with at a party is looking to have sex. It’s not something I’d do openly and in front of my SO; that’s just mean and disrespectful. But out with friends? Smiling at a good-looking stranger at another table or exchanging pleasantries and thoughts after a lecture is harmless. Sometimes it’s just nice to know you’re appreciated and still *have it*, and then go back home to your life and whatever is going on at your house. All this slippery slope stuff seems alarmist to me.