This weekend I picked up a new parenting book, Raising Motivated Kids by Cheri Fuller, on the Kindle Bestsellers list of free books. (Oh yes, I am a “free is me” kind of guy. I have only read the first chapter which is about the quality of relationship bridges we build with our children. In that first chapter, she talked about the importance of building bridges to reach your child. She defined a “bridge” as a shared interest that allows you to spend time and build a unique relationship with your child.
As I thought about this idea of building a bridge to my son to be able to stay connected to him as he gets older, I thought, what a great idea. Immediately I rattled off, in my mind, two or three bridges that I already either have or I am building with my son: listening to jazz, playing the drums, golf, reading and Hot Wheels cars. There it is””five easy, natural bridges that keep my son and I connected and communicating and enjoying spending time together. Music, sports, and education are three great ways to my sons ear and heart. If I need to talk to him (he’s only three), or teach him a life lesson, we throw on some Ella (Fitzgerald) as we head to the driving range to hit golf balls and I instantly have an atmosphere to “get at him.”
But then I started thinking about the bridges that I have built with my wife. Hmm…well. We like to go out to eat, ummm…we have a child together, and…we are married to each other. Something is missing here. Don’t get me wrong, we have a pretty good marriage. It’s 90-95% drama free. But we need some more bridges. All the bridges we had in our dating years and first few years of our marriage are now closed or in need of repair.
Before our son was born, we played tennis weekly and went for walks in the park together at least a few times a week. Those were two ways that we stayed connected with each other. We would talk while we hit tennis balls or walked in the park. Now that we have a child, the bridges we had with each other have shifted to our son. Seems like the only thing we do systematically anymore is sit down to talk about what bills need to paid. So I am on a bridge building mission and here’s the plan:
- Do something my wife likes to do, weekly. The same way that I do things because my son likes to do them, I plan to go back to doing things my wife likes to do, simply because she likes doing them. Maybe we will start running together again or playing tennis. It really does not matter to me what it is, as long as we do something that gives us the opportunity to spend time connecting to each other. My only deal breaker would be if she asked me to watch a reality TV show. Other than that I am game!
- Talk daily. Let’s not even mention how busy we all are. Everybody has too much to do and not enough time to get it done. But when it comes to our spouse there just can not be a trade off. If seeds are not sown during the good times what will we harvest in the lean times? Recommitting to spending time talking about what is of interest to my wife builds a bridge to her heart that can not be gained through any other means.
- Be consistent. The key to building a good bridge is laying a good foundation. No one wants to walk or drive over a bridge that is built on a sandy, sinking, or uneven foundation. In the same way, building a good bridge to my wife’s heart is all about being consistent. This bridge building stuff is important, so we need to be consistent in the commitment made to doing the task. I sometimes get meetings that come up at the last minute. My wife is pretty cool so she would be cool if I needed to cancel a tennis date for that. But it can not happen every time. Being consistent in the effort to build common ground where you and your spouse can talk is essential to the overall health of your marriage.
Take some time to evaluate what bridges, or points of connection, you have built to your spouse and how they allow you to maintain the ear and heart of husband or wife.
Is it time for an adjustment? Is is time to go back and do some maintenance to the areas that once kept the two of you connected? Healthy marriages are the ones that are able to make necessary adjustments when “life” changes the game. So let’s get to work maintaining and building the bridges and connections that keep us close.
Briana Myricks says
Great points Edward! A lot of spouses refuse to even believe they’re not connected with their significant other outside of their children but it’s true. I don’t want my husband and I to get to that point when we start building our family, so I’m going to make sure we nurture the relationship early on and work on the bridges now.
Anonymous says
Briana you are so right. We have to stay in front of the “curve” if not things just sneak up on us out of nowhere.
Alicia Grace says
Thank you for this article. Now I know I’m not crazy. I watched plenty basketball games on TV to learn the names of players, went jogging when I really didn’t want to, agreed to learn how to ride a motorcycle AND learned about the trucking industry ALL in the name of love and marriage. I knew I needed to have more in common than our children. I wish my spouse had thought it was important too. I know for next time.:)
D Henson79 says
I love this article. Just reminds us, that we have to stay on top of things, and that marriage is a never ending job. It takes hard work on BOTH parts, not just one! Beautiful!
LaTersa Blakely says
this is a great post, and yes i’m guilty of building bridges, we have two kids and we are not close to family… so we sometimes take them to daycare to steal a few hours alone. I gotta work on this one.