Marriages that are affected by infidelity can often come back stronger than they were before the affair. With a lot of hard work and commitment, the marriage can be salvaged. But it is going to be work for both the betrayer and the betrayed. You are not going to be able to sweep the ugly incident under a rug, never talk about it, and then expect your relationship to be healed. It’s going to take lots of communication, patience, and forgiveness to turn that damaged marriage around.
Relationship expert, Michele Weiner-Davis, is a strong advocate for staying together, no matter how bleak the situation may seem. Discovery Health Online turned to Weiner for guidance on how to heal from infidelity.
Weiner wants you to know that there is no “quick fix” to repair the damage caused by unfaithfulness. The process takes time “” often years “” and you need a great deal of patience to handle the disappointment and disillusionment along the way. “Be prepared for many ‘back to square ones,” she says, adding that the setbacks will diminish over time
Weiner provided Discovery Health Online with the following steps for the betrayed and the betrayer”
What the Unfaithful Needs to Do:
· “Be brutally honest about the affair.”
The betrayed person is going to want to know details like what happened and why it happened. The unfaithful person will need to be able to provide those details often. Wiener states that: “The truth also facilitates healing by short-circuiting the imagination. What the betrayed imagines took place is usually much worse than what actually occurred.”
· “Get self-reflective to figure out why you went outside of the marriage.”
You need to understand why you cheated and make changes so that it does not happen again.
· “Express remorse and act trustworthy.”
Actions speak louder than words. You will have to show that you are remorseful through your actions.
What the Betrayed Needs to Do:
· “Demand whatever it will take for you to heal”
The betrayed person needs to communicate what it will take to regain their trust.
· “Spend time together that does not revolve around the affair.”
Wiener says” “It’s absolutely critical to connect again as friends and lovers; to enjoy one another’s company.” It’s time to start dating again and doing those things that made you interested in each other in the first place.
· “Make the choice to forgive.”
“You don’t forgive for the sake of the other person,” says Weiner, “but to lighten your own life” and set the stage for a renewed intimacy and connection.
To check out more of what Weiner has to say on infidelity, check out the entire article on the Discovery Health online. – https://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/infidelity.html
BMWK family ““ what do you think about Weiner’s advice? I think she provides some very key steps for healing after infidelity.
Great article. And by the way, the expert quoted in this article has a wonderful book and website to help people dealing with marital problems. http://www.divorcebusting.com is the website. And Divorce Busting or DIvorce Remedy are two of her great books. My husband and I completely turned our marriage around after his affair by following her advice. So, thanks for this article!
Susan
It’s tough to say what a person would do in this situation. I think adultery is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage. The only thing I can think of that would be worse is pedophilia.
Nevertheless, I’ve seen plenty of marriages that suffered from adultery, and they are no longer together. However, I’ve seen just as many who struggled and fought through all the bitterness, unforgiveness, mistrust, belittling, a general negativity of adultery, and not only are they still together, but they’re closer than they were before the affairs even started.
I think that the tools the author of the article outlined are excellent…I just pray that I never have to use them.
Great article.
As a woman who has been in this boat, I will add that I think it is important for the beytrayor to realize that healing a damaged relataionship IS A PROCESS, and not an overnight fix, and that forgiveness, also, is a process. You can forgive in an instant, but even in your forgiveness, there are still days that you will be sad and emotional. The betrayor needs to be ready for this, and ready to reassure their partner however many times it takes.
Healing goes through stages, and both parties need to be ready to take apart their relationship from the ground up so that not only the unfaithfulness is worked through, but also the cause of it. I definitely recommend counseling to help with this. My relationship did not make it, as my partner did not understand that once he apologized and tried to do better, that I could still be hurt, sad and feel betrayed.
God bless every relationship going through this…may you find the strength to come through the other side stronger and closer.
Been there, done that, and for me divorce was the only way to go. I’m sorry, maybe it’s different when the woman cheats but I think that most men feel like once the woman take them back they have carte blanche to do whatever they want. Especially if the man is the sole breadwinner and he knows that that woman is dead set on staying married.
I need peace of mind, and I can’t have it with a man who’s out there with another woman.
I agree with the honesty short circuiting the imagination. We let our imaginations run away with us, especially when it’s something as hurtful as infidelity. Although we may not want to hear all the details, at least you will know the facts so that your imagination doesn’t make it worse that it really was. I hope I never have to go through with this at all.
I think you’re right Nicole: some men do believe that once you take them back you are telling them that their behavior is “ok.” Dr Phil says that “we teach people how to treat us…”
It’s often hard for me to distinguish between ‘unconditional love and forgiveness’ and not being a doormat.
Stay strong…
I guess I see cheating as a cowardly way of breaking the relationship. I’ve been cheated on and my first reaction was how disrespectful the action was to my health. I remember thinking the chick he slept with could have had an incurable disease and he could have easily given it to me. Anyone who could careless about my life doesn’t deserve to be in it and it was easy to walk away yet very difficult to get over. Relationships are so weird like that. You spend years getting to know someone and becoming comfortable and in an instant it can be over.
This may not be the best mentality to have but I really don’t see the point of taking back a cheater and don’t plan on doing such in my own marriage.
Of Course, but it totally depends.
DeStouet said:
Of Course, but it totally depends.
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So true. It depends on how much you want to save the marriage. Men and women cheat for different reasons. For woman I think it is about the emotional attachment for men it is because he is tired of hearing his nagging wife and hearing about bills and never being able to get a word in edge wise. If there is no communication in a marriage it can’t be saved. If the man is the cheater and the breadwinner as Nicole mentioned, the woman puts up with it because she does not want to change her life style, but in doing so this gives him the right to contiune doing what he does. You have validated it for him. He knows you are not going anywhere and he can come home when he wants More ppl get divorced over money or some sort of abuse i e , (physical or drugs) than they do cheating. Cheating is never about the sex but the lack of communication from your spouse. One person can’t keep a marriage growing in the stongest of marriages. It really does take two. It’s ok to forgive but you never forget.
I agree with Anna and DeStouet…it totally depends. It depends on the situation..it depends on my spouses attitude…it just depends. I think my first reaction would be that you would have to hit the road jack. But I think that if I had a partner that was truly willing to go through the process of healing the marriage, then I would give the marriage a chance to heal.
TheMoms last blog post..MSN- Why Small Weddings Rock!
I don’t know about staying together. Rarely does somebody decide they want to come clean on their own. Usually, they are forced to because their actions have been discovered by the other party. That said, the cheater is not coming clean on their own terms, which leads to the deduction that they most likely would have continued this charade had they not been caught. Therefore, they are untrustworthy, and I have yet to find a relationship where trust was not present.
TheDuckWalk said:
I dont know about staying together. Rarely does somebody decide they want to come clean on their own. Usually, they are forced to because their actions have been discovered by the other party. That said, the cheater is not coming clean on their own terms, which leads to the deduction that they most likely would have continued this charade had they not been caught. Therefore, they are untrustworthy, and I have yet to find a relationship where trust was not present.
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Ppl with a conscience will admit to it without it being found out, they will also admit to why they did what they did.
Reading the comments in this thread shows me why so many people in other countries think Americans are clueless. People seeking out the company of someone outside of their marriage pre-dates the Bible. Yet, thousands of years later, here we are musing whether or not the marriage can be saved. Of course it can. However, marriages (or relationships in general, for that matter…) will continue to crumble as long as men and women keep their egos in their pants. ATTENTION LADIES — sometimes guys want sex FROM A WOMAN OTHER THAN YOU! ATTENTION GENTLEMAN — a woman’s Va-jay DOES NOT CUSTOM FIT TO YOUR JOHNSON ONCE YOU HIT IT! The flesh is weak so the body may stray from time to time. But, if the relationship is strong and based on a solid friendship, then things can work themselves out no matter what.
Great post! My marriage was affected by infidelity and I am about 10 months out. It’s the biggest struggle but your points are true…because I have done them. Well, except the forgiveness…many people say I have forgiven but I can’t say that I have…