Hi Dr. Buckingham,
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 5 of those years. We’re now separated since January of 2014. We started having some serious issues about 2 years after we were married (2011) and it just seems that we can’t get back on the right track. We’re both Christians, and take our faith seriously. That’s a major reason we haven’t divorced. We have two children together, 7 and 2, and he has a 14 year old son from a previous relationship. The reason for the separation is because of trust issues stemming from drug addiction, finances, emotions and infidelity.
In 2012 he lost his job and I wasn’t working because we had just had our 2nd child in December 2011. We had to move in with family due to the job loss and I know that really hurt him having to do that. I was disappointed when he lost his job, not because he lost it, but because he wasn’t honest with me about the way he lost his job. I had to admit I was embarrassed because of the situation. I pushed through it and I realized everyone falls short but it’s okay, no need to be embarrassed, it is what it is. I tried to be supportive and let him know, at least we have family that is able to help us, but I also let him know that not being honest with me is unacceptable.
I landed a job in June 2012 and we were able to get our own place again and start the road back to getting on our feet again. He recently got a job in March of 2014 which is great, but for about a year and half when he was unemployed he treated me horrible including no sex for 18 months and not offering any emotional support. I realize now that he was treating me like that because of his own issues, but that’s no cause to take it out on me. The relationship during this time was so bad which led to us being separated and also due to some issues before that, it seemed to be magnified x10 during this time.
I had individual therapy (9 months) and we have talked to a marriage therapist at our church (3 sessions). The therapy was very beneficial to me because it helped me realize how I contributed to the issues by not expressing my feelings. I would always put his needs before mine without any concern for getting my own needs met, which I have expressed this realization to him. At the same time, I suggested marriage therapy for both of us, with the intention of him realizing how he also contributed to the marriage breakdown but it was very short lived.
Since we have been separated I don’t know if we’re going to make it. Just when I get a glimmer of hope for the marriage, he goes right back to putting his needs first without any consideration of how I feel about decisions or how it may make me feel. I have no idea where to go from here. I’ve been praying every day about the situation and I’m trying to be patient but I am ready to move on. I don’t like the idea of being separated but I just can’t have the stress around me. I refuse to let it affect my happiness and joy but I have no idea where to go from here. I do apologize for the length.
Love is loss in my home.
Can Marriage Survive Separation? Which road do I take?
Dear Love is Lost,
Sorry to hear about your marital discord. It appears that you have tried several things to save your marriage with little success. I am glad that you attended individual and marital therapy. You gained insight into things you were doing to contribute to the tension in your marriage and tried to encourage your husband as well.
To answer your question “Can Marriage Survive Separation?” my response is as follows: “It depends.” It depends on the purpose of the separation.
If the purpose of the separation is to engage in self-reflection and to do some personal work so that each individual can be rejuvenated, I would say that marriage can survive separation.
Relationships are a composite of two individuals who make a whole. However, sometimes individuals need a break from on-going marital tension because it can be very difficult to process and to think clearly during the mist of a storm. Separation affords individuals the ability to reflect on what has happened which in return can begin the process for reconciliation.
Some people believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder because we typically desire what we lack. I agree with this statement partially because it depends on what we are lacking and what we desire. In your situation, absence is not helping because your husband is not displaying the qualities that your desire. Therefore, you are not lacking.
In my professional opinion, I do not believe that long-term separation is good for any relationship because there is no opportunity to work on the challenges. I suggest that you continue to pray and also do some additional personal work. You might have to accept the fact that your husband will probably not change. Some people struggle with replacing selfish behavior with selfless behavior and your husband might be one of them. Remember that true happiness occurs when you enjoy living with someone. Given this, I recommend that you make a list of things that you desire in your marriage and present them to your husband. The list should include solutions. It is easy to be problem focused, but hard to be solution focused. However, the latter is your saving grace and can save your marriage. Marriage is about oneness and togetherness. Love is fluid, but commitment is not. If your husband wants to remain married, he will strive to do the work. If he does not attempt to do the work, you might have to seek and obtain happiness for yourself.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
Leave a Reply