Dear Dr. Buckingham,
My husband and I have been married for 14 years. I have no intention of leaving, but would like advice on how to overcome disappointments. When I married him, he had two children ages 3 and 4. Within months of our marriage, his children came to live with us. While dating, I told my husband that I didn’t like men with children because I want to be my husband’s top priority. He says he didn’t understand the extent to which I meant that.
Now some 14+years later, as his kids are preparing to leave for college, he still desires for me to love them but I can’t, I really can’t even like them. I have so much resentment for all the things that his kids have been in our lives as I see them as a burden, taking time and money away from our kids. I didn’t have kids when we married, but we now have 3 together. His kids have always wanted their mother to be a presence in their life and make excuses for her absence. This has always been hurtful for me as I have sacrificed so much for them, but they refer to her as “real momma”. I know they are kids but as I have explained to him, if a truck hits me and the driver is 9 or 99, it still hurts the same. Is it possible for our relationship to flourish considering the strong resentments that I have and will seemingly never overcome?
Feeling hopeless and resentful, Kim
Dear Kim,
Many of us go through life and love trying to figure out how to successfully overcome disappointment. In my work with couples, I have learned that one of the least effective methods for overcoming disappointment is to focus exclusively on one’s own needs and blame others for one’s sorrow. We all were given the gift of Free Will which allows each of us to make decisions free of others. You dated and eventually married your husband knowing that you desired to be with a man who did not have children. I do not point this out to chastise you or to judge you. I am simply reminding you that you freely entered into a situation that was not ideal. However, based on the fact that you have no intention of leaving your husband, you have allowed love to prevail. This is commendable, considering how easy people are walking away from their marriage these days.
Yes, it is possible for your relationship to flourish, if you are willing to put in the work to resolve your resentment. In my work with couples, I often remind them that disappointment does not destroy relationships; an individuals’ inability to cope with disappointment is what destroys relationships. As you journey toward another 14+years of marriage, be mindful that romantic love is transitory, but true love is everlasting and requires on-going work.
Listed below are a few coping strategies that might help you successfully overcome your disappointment and restore hope in your relationship:
1. Live in the Present and Focus on Your Future. Yesterday is gone, today is now and tomorrow is on its way. Therefore, you should use your time and energy wisely. Living in the present will enable you to enjoy the here-and-now and stop obsessing over past events. Make the best of your current situation and get fired up about your future because it is not tainted like your past. Remember that relationships are easy for people who cherish them, nurture them and live for them.
2. Explore and Understand Your Love Style. Knowing how you love will help you cope effectively, when faced with adversity in your relationship. Are you a conditional lover or unconditional lover? Generally speaking, conditional lovers are inpatient and will try to force or control relationship outcomes instead of allowing them to evolve naturally. Engaging in a relationship is viewed as a process to be controlled, not experienced. Conditional lovers plant the seed and then attempt to control how it grows. If conditional lovers are not capable of controlling outcomes, they turn their energy inwardly and focus on self. This profound need to control outcomes often contributes to feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness, loneliness, helplessness, sadness, anger, greed, bitterness, fear and even hatred if efforts to gain control are unsuccessful. Unconditional lovers, on the other hand, are usually patient. They allow relationship outcomes to evolve naturally instead of trying to force or control them. Engaging in a relationship is viewed as a process to be experienced, not controlled. They plant the love seed and allow it to grow without attempting to control it. Unconditional lovers typically practice selflessness and use “we talk”: We want, we must have and we need. “We talk” is common among unconditional lovers. What is your love style?
3. Strive to Become an Empathetic Spouse. Empathy helps turn anger into sorrow. When interacting with your husband, try to put yourself in his shoes. Try to envision what life would be like if you walked in his shoes. Keep in mind that empathetic spouses treat their partners as assets. In contrast, non-empathetic spouses treat their partners as liabilities.
4. Learn to Forgive. Anger and resentment are negative emotions that enslave you. Forgive others and live freely. Letting go of anger and resentment is healthy for you and uplifts God’s kingdom. Forgiveness is our Godly obligation. Also, forgiveness empowers you to take control over your emotions. As long as you harbor resentment, you are empowering those who hurt you. When you release resentment, you allow God’s forgiveness to pour into your life. If you walk around holding grudges, you will deprive yourself of God’s blessings. You must let go and move on. Remember that no one is perfect, including you. Each one of us has offended someone, so it is important to forgive others so God can forgive you. Pray for those who hurt you because they are hurting themselves. When interacting with individuals who offend you or take you for granted, you should always strive to do right by them regardless of how they treat you. Life is not fair, but God is. You will be blessed.
As you strive to apply the strategies outlined above, remember that a stable mind is a prerequisite for a stable relationship. Drama begets drama and peace begets peace. It easy to be problem focused, but hard to be solution focused. However, the latter is your saving grace and will save your relationship. If you desire to make your relationship as successful as possible, you must learn to live harmoniously with yourself and others in your household. Resilient women like you make life worth living for so many people. Know that you are the personification of optimism, the bearer of hardship and the healer of heartache. Thanks!
Be blessed, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
I totally identify with this woman. We love the men, but not the baggage. I will never love my man’s kids. How can I feel maternal to kids that don’t belong to me? He feels guilty about not being there with the kids all of the time, and instead of addressing issues, he plays cool dad and guilt parents. I want him for my kids, he feels guilty about having a new life. I respect them, but do not like or love them. They take away from us.
Wow… This is a sad article. Kids are innocent and do not ask to be born. I you never divorce and your children are put in a similar situation.
Wow… This is a sad article. Kids are innocent and do not ask to be born. I hope you never divorce and children are put in a similar situation. I would never remarry if the person did not like or love my children. How can an adult be jealous of children? Maybe it would be a good idea to marry someone with no children. Just my opinion.
Its sad that children are looked upon and addressed as “baggage”. They are an extension of your significant other, and by loving them you are loving another part of your significant other.
I agree with Mimi, children are an extension of your significant other. They also did not ask to be born. They are a part of the entire package that your significant other is. If that person is right for you then their children, and how they handle their children and the entire situation should fall within acceptability for you. You should not expect them to change, so if you don’t like something you see, don’t bet on it getting any better… but then again, no on is perfect, but those you want to be with should always strive to be better.
Beware: I’ve written a missive! Lol. — I had to.. This hits very close to home.–
This is awful. I’m a 34 year old married mother of two and have grown up under these circumstances. My father married a woman who refuses to acknowledge me and my brother… For over 17+ kids… (Mind you, my parents were married when she met my father and subsequently had a baby for my father and is only 4 years older than me but I digress)… My father missed out on chunks of my life because he allowed this woman to put a wedge between us and him. She went as far as to tell me, while he was present, that “I should leave them alone because she is my father’s top priority Nd he has to take care of her and her kids now” (yes.., I’m serious). Worse still, my dad said nothing. Years later, I learned how badly she has bad mouthed myself and brother to people we both didn’t realize we knew in common..(I found out a woman I have known for 6 years knows her and the woman was shocked when she realized who I am and actually broke down in tears when she realized I was the person who my fathers wife was speaking badly of… Again…I digress). She has went as far as to tell people I’m always borrowing money from them, I’m on welfare with several kids by several baby daddies (yes… Again, I’m serious)… And more! I have put myself through school, got married, had two children with my husband who I’ve known for over half my life, and experienced other wonderful milestones that my father missed out on. Now, God saw fit to put my father and I back in contact and guess what?: she doesn’t like the fact that my father and I speak, doesn’t allow me or my family to go to their house, and my two sisters (the kids she has with my dad) looked me in my face to say I’m not their sister I’m just someone my father had with some other woman… They’re 17 and almost 14 respectively…
Look, I share this to say: perhaps the reason why the kids prefer their real but absent mother is because as kids, they’re perceptive enough to know when they’re not wanted and loved. I stayed away from my father for many years because I know I wasn’t wanted and certainly not loved. When we enter into a relationship, and we have “conditions”, we should do an adequate assessment of what we are entering into. If you knew you’re heart wasn’t open to the idea of being with someone who had children…that is your right, however, the damage that is inflicted upon the kids is lifelong and makes them question love from their father and possibly other people… IT CAUSES PAIN. I believe God sees all, and I believe God hates divorce.. I also believe God has a “long memory” for lack of better term, and doesn’t honor contempt. It’s not too late to soften your heart with the kids and get to know them as people… You may find you causally like them! Or at the least, can have your kids learn to like them… I’d bet money your children have picked up on how you regard them.
Please also be mindful of who you so callously regard because as the expression goes: the stone (or in this case stones) the builder refuses become the cornerstones… In other words…those same kids who you can’t seem to bring yourself to like, love and accept…. You may find yourself in a place where they are all you got…. And they may be the FIRST ones to be there for you with no malice, resentment or I’ll will in their hearts.
Lastly, don’t put into the world what you wouldn’t want for your kids…. You wouldn’t like it if you and your husband broke up and someone regarded your kids like this…. And looked at them as… “Baggage”
Pray about it, reflect, seek counseling… (No shade,.. Just truth for healing). Perhaps there are underlying abandonment issues from your own family while growing up… But own up to your part in your resentment.
Signed,
I love my father dearly… Wish I could get back the time that was lost, can’t change his wife, but believe God can work miracles in ways I can’t begin to imagine. Hopefully, you believe this too!