I love reading all the comments shared on my articles. Sometimes they generate a heated discussion with people who have opposing views. Other times, the conversation is healthy and leads to an interesting exchange of ideas. My last post, 5 Nightly Bedtime Routines Couples Should Eliminate ASAP, did just that.

One reader questioned why Americans placed such a great deal of focus and energy on appearance, as looking desirable at bedtime made the top of the list. The reader said,

“I take your point about making an effort but we crossed that point a long time ago – and now its become the focus. Its everywhere – right down to the celebrities who say sweatpants are the cause of divorce. I did notice that it was the first item listed and even in that way, it can be interpreted to mean that looks are more important than what follows.”

What struck me most was the comment about sweatpants causing divorce. I hadn’t heard that phrase before and didn’t know the celebrity who said it. After a little digging, I found that actress Eva Mendes said it in a recent article. (It was reported later that she was only joking). She said “women shouldn’t wear sweatpants — unless they want their relationships to end.  You can’t do sweatpants. … No, ladies, number one cause of divorce in America, sweatpants, no!”

Now of course I wouldn’t say sweatpants are the #1 cause for divorce. There may, however, be some truth in a sweatpants mentality causing some challenges in a marriage. Allow me to explain. Whenever I throw on sweatpants, it usually means I am in a bad mood and don’t give a damn how I look. That’s me. For some, that may be a regular routine, and that’s fine. But if I know I wear them when I don’t give a damn, I won’t wear them as frequently. I don’t want that energy for my marriage. In some cases, a sweatpants mentality means we don’t care. There cannot be an “I don’t care” spirit in a marriage.

I am a marriage advocate who coaches married individuals on making better personal choices to create healthier partnerships. One of the major issues for many of my couples is the lack of effort and sacrifice. I don’t like to say that marriage takes work, because “work” is a turn off. It does, however, require the 3 E’s; effort, enthusiasm and energy. Those are much better words, right?  Well, the absence of these actions will cause conflict.  A lack of effort in appearance, for example, can be a turn off.  It sends the message that, although my partner may desire to be physically turned on by me, I’m not willing to meet that need. And that, my friends, is a problem in some marriages.

Every aspect of a marriage is going to require something from you. The communication in your relationship needs you to share, be honest, listen and ask questions. The maintenance of the household requires you to clean, organize, and maybe delegate. And yes, the intimacy and sex in your marriage needs you to stimulate your partner, look sexy and perform some sexy acts. The effort in your marriage is necessary.

Maybe we should not be as concerned with how our spouses look, after marriage. But we’re human, with eyes, emotions and desires and we respond to stimuli. We want to be turned on, and usually that happens physically first. Remember, our partners want to get excited about making love to a partner who is excited about turning them on.

BMWK, What are your thoughts on a sweatpants mentality leading to divorce?