“So when are the babies coming?” “Any buns in the oven yet?” “Y’all don’t have any kids yet!?” Every newly married couple has experienced this line of questioning from either a friend or family member. It’s cute at first… but as time passes it can move from cool, to annoying! For many couples who haven’t made that decision to have children yet, here are a few reasons why you should get off their backs!
1) They want to enjoy their marriage first!
Learning to be married is a transition. Whenever two become one, there is a learning curve. But in the midst of learning, it’s an exciting time for a couple! Moving in together and enjoying each other’s company without the interruption of kids is a great experience. Being able to travel without toting around kids or arranging for babysitters is an important time for uninterrupted bonding!
They want to sleep in on Saturdays and not have to worry about picking anyone up from daycare. They want to have sex without any children trying to bust in the door and they want to the option to have sex all over the house with no worries.
The stronger a couple can be bonded before children the better off they will be when the children come so no need to rush it!
2) They may not want to have children
Believe it or not, many couples now are choosing to marry, but have no desire to have children. Many times those couples are made to feel guilty for making that decision and they don’t want to be reminded every time they see you. As much of a blessing as children are, some people have decided that their lives won’t be incomplete without them. The kid conversation always becomes an awkward one when the idea of not having children is introduced and NO it’s not open for debate!
3) They may not be able to have children
For many couples having children has been a difficult feat and they haven’t been successful. After many years of trying and the emotional toll it has taken on that couple the constant reminder just resurfaces those feelings. Other couples have had miscarriages and lost babies and thus they have been on an emotional roller-coaster for years. For them, it’s not that they are stalling or that they are being selfish for not having you grands, nieces, or nephews. For them it has literally been a matter of life or death.
I get it! I know most times when people are asking about children… it’s not with any ill intent. Sometimes it’s a natural progression of conversation and sometimes mom really wants nothing more than to have a little one calling her Nana. Sometimes sister wants to become the cool auntie and sometimes your BFF wants to become Godfather! It’s all fair and understandable, but I just hope this gives an additional perspective on why you may want to give some of these couples a little break. I promise you that when they are ready or they are pregnant they will be more than happy to tell you and scream it from the mountain tops!
BMWK – We have debated this on the site before? Is it rude to ask a couple if they have kids or if they want to have kids?
It can be an uncomfortable conversation for sure. Nevertheless its a fair question at its core. Sometimes the youthfulness of our marriages may blind us to deeper conversations, considerations and implications. For every year that a well meaning marriage intentionally delays children there is an equal subtraction from the grandparents time with said child. How one feels about that dual reality makes it no less true. Sometimes newlyweds can benefit from such external pressure form those who truly love them as they may not otherwise think beyond themselves.
Sadly, there is an increasing number of those who intentionally delayed children, only to find themselves in the “can’t” category later. The quiet presumption is that conception and birth is something other than a “gift from God”.
As a result of numerous people choosing to have children w/no way of taking care of them or no desire to have them we have hundreds of thousands of children in foster care or in bad home situations. Having children is an extremely personal decision. And it can be quite the strain on a marriage/relationship if you aren’t at least a little prepared. And whether you agree with a couple’s decision to wait or to start right away or even not to have children at all, try not to judge them. Becoming a parent is not like buying shoes. You can’t return the kid if you don’t like him/her. And age is not the only factor that can determine the level of ease in having a baby. There are many very young people who are unable to conceive the old fashioned way just as there are older people who are having babies into their forties. And to the comment above about having kids to take care of you in your old age – many elderly people are living in facilities where their children don’t bother to do more than pay the bill each month and maybe visit occasionally. And sometimes they don’t even do that! Do what is best for your family. If that means your family consists of a husband a wife and extended family and friends who are like family then so be it. If it means as a couple you choose to have a 1 or 10 kids, then it is what it is. And for those people who consider having a 2nd child just so their kid isn’t an only – rethink that. Have more children because you WANT to have more children, not just so the kid isn’t lonely. If you think your kid is lonely – find him/her a playgroup!
***stepping off my soapbox now***