Question: Can your child tell you anything?
Let me be more specific: Can your child tell you anything without you losing control? Can they trust you to listen and to respond lovingly, even while showing disapproval? Be honest now. Do you fly off the handle and start jumping to conclusions, or do you control your emotions and respond like a sane person?
What if your child came to you and said:
I am gay.
I dropped out of school.
I’m pregnant.
I hate you.
I want to live with my dad (or mom).
I’m dating someone of another ethnic group.
I’m married.
I’m changing my religion.
I’m moving in with my boy/girlfriend.
I’m not graduating.
I used your credit card or bounced your checks.
Most parents say they would be level-headed and try to understand the situation. However, these same parents end up cursing, shouting, and giving ultimatums. In the end, the child says, “I knew I couldn’t tell you” and vows to never share anything with the parent again.
My husband and I see this all of the time. As spiritual leaders in the church, young people come to us for help and to make confessions. Some of them need help telling their parents a secret they’ve been carrying for years. After speaking separately with the parent and with the child, we arrange a meeting together. Our role is to offer the child a safe place to explain the situation without the fear of the parent “going off.” We also help the parent put the child’s confession into perspective. In the big scheme of things, dropping out of college is not the end of the world, neither is getting pregnant out of wedlock. We don’t condone these behaviors, but we don’t condemn the person either. Who are we to judge? We believe our responsibility is to speak the truth in love and to guide with wisdom. After all, we have all made mistakes and strayed from the right path at some point in our lives, unless you are one of those perfect parents who never did anything wrong.
Personally, that’s not me. As my daughter gets older (she’s only 5), I pray for patience, wisdom, and understanding so she knows that no matter what, she can come to her parents and tell us anything. Even today when she makes a mistake and asks, “Mommy can I tell you something?” I try to remain calm and assuring to her. Punishment might be the result, but regardless, I try to make sure she knows that she is loved. I know things will get more challenging as the years go by, and she will not always come to us like she does now. But, as her parents, we have to do our part to make home the safest, most loving place available, where she truly believes that she can tell her parents anything.
BMWK family, can your child tell you anything, no matter how bad it is, without you losing control? Do you offer your child a soft place to fall in times of trouble?
Great post!!! So important…
Thanks so much. Pass it on. 🙂
This a great post hopefully someday when I have kids they can come to me for anything! Although it will be difficult to hear certain things I would hope they come to me instead of going somewhere else!
Thanks Mrs. Pancakes. I agree. It might be tough to hear, but parents are the grown-ups. Working on this myself.
As a mother of three daughters(27,19,14) through Christ I’ve learned to listen at whatever my girls want to tell me. After they tell me I always ask them how would Christ feel about it and what would he say about. I try to discuss everything with them. When all three be at home sometimes we would let Daddy go to church alone on Sunday and we would have what we call rap session, that way they could talk about whatever going on in their lives.The bottom line isn’t how I feel about what they tell me, but how do Christ feel. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
You have a wealth of experience with 3 daughters. Thanks for sharing that.
I think I have done a pretty good job, it wasn’t easy. You have met Danita K. Washington she is my oldest.
Its kinda funny that this topic is up here today. At dinner tonight we were just telling our kids this same thing. Come and ask us anything, no matter what it is. For us as parents, we want to be the first to give our children information on anything they want to know. If we are not open to hear what they have to say, then someone in the streets will take them in and show them. We have conversations about any and everything at our table, an in the car. Children now a days are being exposed to a lot more now. So we tell the kids if they hear something and dont know what it means, come ask us. Let us as parents be the first source (well second). You wouldnt believe some of the things these kids learn on the playground. We dont want our kids to have to hide anything from us. So we keep the lines of communication open.
I agree. I don’t want my child to have to hide anything either, which means I have to stay in control of my emotions and act like the grown up.
Great article although I have to admit I am one of those mom’s who goes off the deep end when I hear something from one of my kids that I don’t really want to hear and I’m sure the fact that my 15 yo daughter never wants to talk to me is the reason for it. I am really trying to work on that as I do want my kids to always feel like they can come to me and talk about anything. So anyone reading this post please say a prayer for me to grow in this area. Thank you
Sure thing. At 15 yrs old, I bet she has a lot to share with you. That’s a confusing season of life. My prayers are with you.
Hello Dr. Michelle,
This is a great article! I think about the times when I spoke with my mother in confidence and although most times she was receptive, some things she couldn’t handle. I will say though I am a child of the 80’s and the things that parents have to deal with in this present time are crazier and more extreme than ever! I know it may sometimes be hard for the parents to hear what their child is saying but they must always remember that if they are not open to listening to their own child then someone else will get their ear and many times most likely it is their friends. Children listening to other children is like the blind leading the blind so its better that parents make themselves available and be open to listenening to their children when they need to share with them the things that they are going through.
Niambi,
You are so correct. Times are different. Kids experience so much more than we did. That’s why it’s important for parents to be present and available. Thanks for reading and commenting.