Did you marry your best friend?

I didn’t. I had a best friend before I met my husband. I’ve been friends with her since I was 9. She was my maid of honor and is still my best friend today. So no, I didn’t marry my best friend.

But I did marry a friend—and not just any friend but a friend I have grown with for more than 20 years and who I’ve been married to for almost eight. I like my husband just as much today as I did when we were met in college. He makes me laugh, he gets me in a way that most people don’t, and he believes my quirkiness is one of my best qualities. I love him for that.

So would we be happily married today if we weren’t friends? I can’t say for sure, but if I had to guess I’d say no. Our friendship gives us a foundation to deal with life’s ups and downs with a lot more ease. It gives us the room to truly just be without feeling like we are always trying to meet someone else’s expectations.

Our friendship sustains us.

When you think about what you have with your spouse, do you feel like a genuine friendship exists? Are you able to be yourself with him without fear of judgment? Does he understand things about you that many people don’t? Does he value your opinion and respect your point of view, even when he disagrees?

And most important, do you like your spouse and does he like you?

That’s what it really boils down to. You can love someone without liking him or her that much. I have people in my family whom I love but chilling with them on the weekends is not my idea of a great time. It works, but I don’t want to be married to someone I feel that way about. Do you?

And if you don’t like being around your spouse, what’s next? What does that mean for your marriage?

I don’t think it means your married is doomed. There is always hope. However, being in a marriage without a solid friendship doesn’t sound like a happy place to be.

Despite where you currently are in your marriage, you can pivot. You can both agree to change directions and work on areas you never worked on before. You can take the time and effort needed to develop a friendship. Remember, it’s not about being best friends; I think that’s overrated. It’s about being good friends. It’s about enjoying each other’s company and having each other’s backs no matter what.

Maybe your marriage can survive without true friendship. I suspect many marriages do. But I guess the real question is: do you want your marriage to just survive or thrive? Do you want to smile 20 years from now when you wake up and look at your spouse, or do you want to feel disappointed with the quality of your marriage?

I am hoping to smile, so I’ll keep working on strengthening my friendship with the man I said “I do” to while still strengthening what I have with my best friend—the one I met when I was just 9. Both friendships sustain me in different ways. Both friendships keep me healthy and happy.

After all, friendship is about finding someone who adds value to your life while you do the same for that person. That’s also what marriage is about. I think we all deserve a marriage with a good dose of friendship in it.

I hope you do, too.

BMWK family, do you think a marriage can last without a strong friendship?