During my freshman year in college, I made the mistake of chasing a man. My first serious boyfriend broke my heart when he started to shun me and even flaunt other girls in front of me. For two months, I chased him in mind and body. I was consumed with making him mine, until I realized how pitiful and desperate I had become. I was worth more than that””more than chasing after someone who was running away from me. That’s the funny thing about the chase. If you are running after someone, that means they are running away from you.
As I matured, I learned to stop chasing people and to start chasing God.
God never tells us to “go after” a spouse. In fact, in the beginning when God created man and woman, he placed Eve in the garden were Adam was already working. God put them together. Also, according to Proverbs 18:22, he who finds a wife finds a good thing. To “find” is different than to “chase.” It’s okay to date and to pray for a spouse. But to chase after. . . now that borders on looking desperate. Most men don’t desire desperate women who are always calling and texting, who hide around the street corner to watch their apartment, or who show up places unannounced. And most women don’t like desperate men who are needy and insecure, who won’t let them have a night out with the girls, or who are paranoid about their guy-friends.
From a woman’s perspective, I know it can feel nice to have a man chase you during the dating stage. He checks to see how your day was, he brings you flowers, and he takes you on special dates. This type of chasing is actually called courting. I’m not criticizing courting. What I am talking about is losing yourself in the pursuit of another. When you begin to have tunnel vision and all you can think about is where to go, how to dress, what to say, and if any eligible people will be near, that’s called chasing a spouse.
A better alternative would be to chase after God because He doesn’t flee in the opposite direction. He waits for you and longs to give you the desires of your heart. So chase Him. If it is God’s Will, you will find your spouse and so much more.
Have you ever chased a boyfriend or girlfriend? How did that turn out? What happened when you stopped chasing them?
Lawandaweldon says
So absolutely TRUE! In college after breaking up with a long term boyfriend, I found myself chasing guys into my 30’s. I stopped and said no more. That came in large part from understanding that I was not doing what God wanted for me. Thank you!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
You are welcome. I think it’s a natural part of growing pains. happily married now. Praise God.
Niambi says
I think what has hurt me most when I was in this situation before was the fact that he couldn’t really “see me” for the person that I am. And because he couldn’t “see me” or rather he did see me but he chose instead to not love me, value me or appreciate me for who I am, then he treated me less than i deserve. I had to walk away from him so that I could regain my self esteem and confidence.
Aria M Ham says
I feel you!! That was the same situation I had with a previous person. He couldn’t “see me” either. I been chasing men my entire life; making sure they were ok, acting in the “wife”/”girlfriend” role when we were just dating. I have self sabotaged alot of relationships. I am however, thankful for my experiences; especially my last one. If it wasn’t for that, I couldn’t realize what was wrong to make it right.
Akealah says
I know exactly what you mean. Just had a situation like that and I asked how am I being fulfilled by this person. I realized that my perception was way off and had to refocus.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
We are all worth so much more. When we know better we attract better. Thanks for reading.
Anonymous says
That was my situation too.I realize that he didn’t respect me. Because shortly after our breakup he began seeing other womens as if I was never in his life. I worth more than what he was willing to offer.He very judgmental toward everyone and insecure.
FirstladyShonda says
I have to send this article to my single friends. This is awesome!
Shuern Richardson says
All I can say is Amen to the article and the responses. I think a lot of us females have chased men and then realized that we were devaluing ourselves and had to stop. We are so busy trying to make sure we keep the man, we do start acting like wives instead of staying in our place and recognizing the situation for what it is. God first and the rest will follow!
Charma H says
*Sigh* I have to admit that I was guilty of this during my college years and it got me absolutely NO WHERE! When I finally stopped chasing guys and started letting God direct me in the way He wanted me to go, “Voila”, He showed me that the husband He had for me was right in front of my face all along. No chasing required and I’m thankful for that!
Laura says
Thank you very much, I needed to read this. Although I’m not chasing anyone, my thoughts become obsessive about the person I’m seeing and separate me from God who is the one I should be filling my mind with. Sometimes I put a man in the place of God and that’s very dangerous. God has to be my priority and I also have to trust Him to take care of things in terms of my relationships and everything else.
Rockie says
I can relate and I am in agreement with a lot of you ladies. But sisters can I be honest? What if your husband chased you in the beginning, or found a good thing, and now you find yourself chasing him…and you’re married?? You have the same thoughts and concerns. Does he see me? Does he love, value and appreciate me? Am I losing myself in this relationship? Just a thought…
leslie says
You right (Rockie) not even a husbanb/wife should come before God because then you begin trying to fix instead of letting God fix!
Rockie says
Thank you Leslie
Just Mi says
Thank you ever so much for this piece. It couldn’t have come at a better time. My case is slightly different in that I am married with kids. Although I do acknowledge the stress that comes with his job; I still feel that my spouse and I owe it to our union to make time for us. However, I find that I am the one doing most of the suggesting; which at the end of the day he admits to enjoying. But I would also like for him to plan something….he used to when we were dating.
Thanks again.
Rockie says
Just Mi
I hear you. You’re not alone.
Lovlyleslie says
I’m not and never have been married, however my thoughts; even though you both are married to one another your one in God! So I think giving all your worries to Him will work faster that taking matters into your own hands, in the end God knows best anyway!!!!
Corvetah76 says
well I have been praying for God to show me what to do as far as divorcing my husband that left july of 2011 for the second time. I didnt want God to punish me for filing and following through with it I actually sat in my car for over an hour today and prayed and cried out to the lord to give me confirmation that i was doing the right thing and low and behold i get on facebook and see this link posted on my cousins wall, earlier after praying i texted my husband and told him I loved him and for him to have a blessed day, he responded don’t start with that fake @#$% today stop texting me… I’ve just recieved my conformation…DIVORCE it is IM DONE CHASING SOMEONE WHO CLEARLY DOESN”T WANT TO BE MARRIED,CHASED OR LOVED!!!!!!!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Hello sister.
Sorry to hear about the struggles you are facing in your marriage. The article really is geared more toward single women. Please don’t take it as a suggestion to divorce your husband. I don’t know the specifics, but I pray you are hearing from God. My prayers are with you.
Angela says
I get it. Sometimes you’ve got to pray, keep it moving. If you are compromising who you are to keep someone, even if it is your husband, who could care less about being with you, then your best option is to give him exactly what he wants. In the meantime, get some counseling, stay prayerful because if God cant change the situation, then ask him to change you. Be blessed.
Anonymous says
Hello, I’m not married but I just my boy friend of 12 years. However, I did it silently and have not spoken a word of “it’s over” because he doesn’t deserve it. Do you see how he reacted when you text him? SPEAK NOT and PRAISE God every time you feel like you want to text or call and GOD will get you thru the day or night and you will be free from that pain.
leslie says
Refocus is the key! I’m 37 and have been men sober for 3yrs now and it feels wonderful to just work on me and Gods relationship. I needed and still need healing from not having a father in my life to teach me how I should be treated instead I had to learn the answers and take chances without guidance, it’s not worth chasing a man or molding into who he wants you to be! Thank God for His wisdom that only came from all those life lessons thats I can say I’m so thankful for now!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
It’s good you are taking time to heal. I wish you the best as you draw closer to God.
Phil Turner Jr says
Great article Dr. Johnson. Can I enter this discussion from a practical perspective?
There are spiritual elements that many of us will never understand on many subjects. Additionally, in many cases; knowing what to do can be vague at times for those who love God. Many try to provide answers, instructions or interpretations but they are NEVER actual
scripture references. Growing up in the Church as a Bishops son and as one educated
in Christian institutions, Ive come to learn and realize that on many subjects, the
Bible can be silent. However, there are underlying solid principles if applied that
will provide the directions we seek.
I am a relationship coach and if whats in the scripture regarding relationships is so concrete or thorough; why are there so many Bible scholars, pastors and spiritual leaders seeking to
learn how to improve a troubled marriage? Why have their marriages lost their passion or love for each other? The divorce rate staggering? It is not that these individuals have lost their way as so many try to explain. It is back to the actual know-how and step by step instructions thats silent in the Bible on this subject.
That said: I believe that it is ok for women to DESIRE a husband. However, chasing a man is NOT a good practical principle. Why? Well, he has animalistic instincts and a nature of a hunter anyway. He only values most what he is able to capture himself. Women should place themselves in a position to be seen by the hunter by living their lives carefree, productively and spiritually. Just like any prey. When you see them, they are carefree, living their lives, maybe drinking water, or eating while the hunter sneaks up on them and capture their dinner.
What works? A quality personal prayer life, A winning attitude, an approving spirit, a pure approach to truly loving thy neighbor and contributing outside of yourself; this is what works. This attitude and spirit is infectious and makes you the brightest star in the area, out shining everyone else; this is how you can be seen. Therefore; the desires of your heart for a
husband will be granted and capture by a man who values that essence.
To NOT chase a man is really not scripture nor is there ANY THING in the scripture that states otherwise without an attempt to interpret another scripture to fit this idea. We have to rely on the principles in the scriptures and simply know-how instructions weve learned over the years about our species that works extremely well hand-and-hand with the scripture.
Again a great subject Dr. Johnson, I hope that maybe this approach or idea helps someone to think about this issue in a different way. Be Blessed!
Rockie says
@ Phil…
Wow…that’s all I can say. So much to take in. So much to think about. Been married 14 years and I’m still trying to figure this thing out. And I hear divorce is not an option and I try not to even think on that level. But if I can be real, I feel like I am in this marriage alone….its a lot to endure. As I have said before, I’ll keep standing on God’s promises. No matter how much it hurts and no matter how difficult it is.
Phil Turner Jr says
Hi Rockie, I’ve been there. You know what I’ve learned. First it is easy to fall in love and to bond but it takes skills to stay. What most of us experience in our relationship has a lot to do with being aware of habits. Your Habits, Your mate’s Habits and the both of you as a couple habits together. I ask every couple to share with me what it right about their relationship first. Can you think of what that is going right?
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thanks for sharing that.
Sharonhicks16 says
Awesome, awesome. I always enjoy a male perspective. Thank you for joining the discussion.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thanks First Lady.
Gmartin5337 says
After I divorced my first husband and had my share of fun being single I realize that I was tired and did’nt like being single. I sat down one day and had a one on one with God and laid it out to Him. I wanted to be married again and realize that I should’nt of picked my first husband so I was turning to Him to direct my path to the arms of the man who He feels that would be suitable for me. I had a list and when I met Michael he was doing everything that was on my list so of course I said that this was a sign from God that this was the man for me to get married to. We met through a mutual associate and we almost did’nt like each other but at the end of the date we grew on each other. To make a long story short we got engaged 2 1/2 weeks after we met (yes I said 2 1/2 weeks) and married a 1 1/2 year later. We will be celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary June 19. This is his first marriage. All I can say is thank you Lord for helping me be still and watch out for the signs. One thing I believe that most people fail to do is to be totally honest with themselves and God when asking for his directions and another thing is their standards may be set too high the even themselves can’t reach them and this is why they may find themselves at a standstill. Not willing to explore their options when it comes to other races is saying that they are comfortable settling and they wonder why they’re still unhappy and not married.
Phil Turner Jr says
Hi Gmartin, I love your story. What I find encouraging about
your post is the pattern in which you had success. First marriage was doomed;
you explored life as a single and realized that you wanted something
meaningful. This is the normal process that so many take to be still in the
first place. We have life stages and
things happen in each one. Most of the time we fall in love but dont have the
skills to stay but after one wanders a while, their life stage changes and it
becomes easier to listen to Gods voice. I try to share with individuals about
these life stages and what it could mean in a relationship. So many are in a
stage where they are victims of observational learning (their parents
relationship) and usually wont make the best of decisions until later in life.
This is the pattern that has to stop so that our children will get it right
from the beginning and not have to go through the storms just to listen.
Lady Pharanda says
Thanks Phil,
Just want to thank you for being a man who will communicate with us (in a non-argumentative way). I find myself searching through comments, always seeking to hear from MEN. Thanks for sharing.
Desiree says
This is so true. When you are chasing someone, it is as you said, a case when you are running after them as they move in another direction. It makes you subject to them and ultimately makes you more vulnerable to foolishness. It took many hard lessons before I finally learned this lesson and stopped pursuing men. And it paid off, because when my husband stepped on the scene…..he pursued me in a healthy courtship marked with love and respect. Now, I’m happily married. ~Desiree, blogger www.thelovejourney.com
Lana Moline says
This is so true. I think had I known better prior to getting married, I would have made better choices. But praise God that He not only forgives but guides and directs. This is a wonderful article whether married or single because the chase should continue to be towards God. Thank you so much. Keep it coming!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
You are welcome.
Sharonhicks16 says
This article was so needed for me today. I have been doing the same thing, finding myself being the pursuer. The difference is, it’s almost like he wants to keep me on radar. I think in my mind, I saw a good guy, with things to offer, etc. But he isn’t pursuing me. He notices when I pull back and then the cycle starts again. Fortunately, it’s not a physical relationship, just be caught up in this fairy tale in my mind. Thanks for the reminder, that someone will love me as I love him in return.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
The emotional is tough too. Hang in there. Thanks for reading.
Musicndwom says
Thanks, I really needed to hear this today. I’m going through a situation similar to Sharonhicks16’s right now. I’m in love with him, but he says a relationship’s not a priority right now, because he needs to focus on his job (he’s been working for himself for two years now) and needs to build up the company. Besides, he needs to put bread on the table (he takes care of his mum and two children from a previous marriage), so he won’t have a lot of time for me. I’m nearly 32 and although I’m not in a hurry to get married, I do feel ready for a committed relationship and my mum and sister are giving me a little bit of pressure to adapt to suit this guy. I’ve known him for 5 months and we’ve taken things really slow, so the relationship isn’t physical. I really want to be with him, but I’m beginning to fear that I’m obsessing about him. He seems to want to keep me on radar and also notices when I pull back. I don’t want to have to run after him or lose his respect. I think I’m going to back off a bit and let him do the pursuing if he wants me. Perhaps, then, he’ll find that he wants a committed relationship afterall. I want to settle down and have a family so I really don’t have time to spend on people who’ll play games with my emotions. Thanks for the post!
Gmartin5337 says
YOU’RE WELCOME HONEY. JUST STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF BECAUSE THERE’S NOT ONE PERSON ON THIS EARTH THAT CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY. THAT’S UP TO YOU BECAUSE ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT’S IN YOU YOUR HEART. NO OFFENSE TO MEN/WOMEN WHO HAVE CHILDREN BECAUSE I MYSELF WAS RAISING 2 CHILDREN WHEN I MET MY 2ND HUSBAND, BUT USUALLY MOST MEN WON’T HAVE TIME TO DATE SERIOUSLY IF THEY’RE CHILDREN ARE DESIRING HIS TIME AND YOU’LL ALWAYS BE LAST IN HIS LIFE. WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN WITH CHILDREN IT’S A LOT EASIER BECAUSE THE KIDS ARE RIGHT THERE WITH HER AND THEY’RE A PACKAGE DEAL SO TO SPEAK. A MAN CAN SEPARATE HIMSELF AND DISTRIBUTE HIS TIME AS HE SEE FIT. SO HONEY TAKE YOUR TIME TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO SHARE IT WITH ANOTHER. PEACE, LOVE AND MANY BLESSINGS TO YOU MY DEAR!
Musicndwom says
.I will try to relax and enjoy my life and hopefully, I’ll find someone who would be happy to share his life with me. Thanks so much for your advice, I appreciate it!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
You are welcome. Glad you received some encouragement.
Gmartin5337 says
NOT A PROBLEM HONEY.
Lady D 28 says
This is an enlightening article & the comments are very helpful. Phil you have said exactly what I needed to hear. I found love 3 years ago after my husband of 7 years & I divorced. My love & I officially broke up this past weekend & it is so hard for me to let go of something & someone that I have put so much into & given so much of myself for. He has cheated practically our entire relationship but I kept chasing after him anyhow. It wasn’t until today that I finally realized I have to let go. I have to pursue my relationship w/ God & trust that he will work things out for the good of everyone involved. I know deep down inside this man loves me but I have to release him so that he can discover that for himself. As long as I am interfering & try to play God in his life attempting to fix his issues God will never be able to intervene & fix our issues. This man will always be my friend b/c I love him too much to not have him in that capacity but until he himself decides that he is ready to love God with all his heart & actively seek him in his life I can’t be concerned w/ him being more than a friend. Thank all of you for sharing your experiences b/c through them others are able to know that there is hope.
Monica says
Lady D 28, WOW! Your comment “As long as I am interfering & try to play God in his life attempting to fix his issues God will never be able to intervene & fix our issues.” was so powerful to me!! This article, the response from the gentleman above and your comment in particular really struck home for me. Lots to think about tonight…
Whitney says
I found this article today…while chasing some peace of mind and heart 🙂 You brought both. Thank you for your writing, your encouraging, and your affirmation of God’s faithfulness. I so appreciate it and will hide it in my soul.