I wanted to have a Super Bowl party this year but my wife wasn’t feeling it. I knew that before I even brought it up, but I wanted to have one anyway. I could’ve been like, “Why can’t I have a Super Bowl party with my friends? I pay the mortgage up in here, too!” That would have been brute and would’ve been too controlling and resulted in a much bigger problem in the near future. After all, did I really want to act like our home is a caliphate and I’m some sort of tyrannical ISIS dictator? No.

Instead, I used strategy. Here are three keys to getting your way without coming off like a controlling, manipulative jerk.

1. Float the Idea to Her Well in Advance

My wife is slower to make decisions than I am. That’s not a criticism; it’s just a fact. She simply requires more time to weigh her decisions. So…the more significant the decision, the more time she requires to process through her thoughts and feelings. Therefore, I floated the idea of the Super Bowl party two months in advance as just a “something I was considering.” It wasn’t a demand nor was I being pushy. I said something to the effect of, “I’m thinking about having another Super Bowl party this year.” Then, I shut up and waited for her feedback.

A wife’s objections can be your friend.

2. Embrace Her Objections

A wife’s objections can be your friend. My wife was concerned about how much food she’d have to prepare/buy, how many people were coming, who was coming and who was bringing what. Her objections were literally telling me what issues I needed to address in order to allay her concerns.

But I get why husbands resist wives questioning their plans: husbands ultimately want someone supportive—a cheerleader of sorts. Yet, when your wife’s face turns sideways at the notion of your plans and starts questioning them, she feels more like a hater than a cheerleader, right? But don’t view it that way. Expect questions from your wife; don’t expect passive acceptance. Then embrace those objects. It’ll show her that you are truly hearing her concerns and not just trying to bully her into getting your way.

3. Use Her Objections to Modify Your Plans

In all your planning, cushion your timeline to allow for a period to field objections. But use those objections as a list of issues you need to resolve, or at least offer alternative approaches. When my wife presented her problems, I used them to create the menu (taco bar and Chick-fil-A chicken strips, boom!). I limited the group of invitees to people in my crew, whom she was already had rapport with (goodbye, mega-size guest list). And I had people agree to only bring items we would actually eat (so we wouldn’t have a house full of leftovers we don’t eat).

How did the Super Bowl party go? Wonderful. We both had a great time. Plus, two of the guests brought her some flowers and sparkling cider for opening up her house and welcoming them. She felt that was a sweet gesture.  If my wife didn’t want to have a Super Bowl party, then I wouldn’t have had it. Again, this ain’t ISIS. I would have respected her objection not to have it, just like she respected my desire to have it. But the way I ultimately influenced her came down to how I presented the idea to her. I didn’t do the jerk-move and tell her we were going to do it, regardless of her concerns. I expressed my desire and gave her the legitimate option to say “no.” But I also presented it to her in sufficient enough time to allow her to voice those objections and for me to dismantled them. That gave me the greatest chance of her saying, “yes.”

BMWK: Do you agree that this approach to influencing a wife? Do you have any other approaches?