Do a quick Google search on “silent killers” and here is some of what you will find: diabetes, hypertension, ovarian cancer, pancreatic cancer, hydrogenated oils, carbon monoxide, AIDS…and the list goes on and on. All pretty serious stuff that can be lurking around the corner and in our bodies. We are unaware of their presence as well as their destructive work. To me it is the “silent” things that concern me more than the in-your-face things. As it is in other areas of life and our bodies, there is also a silent killer for your marriage – silence itself.
By silence, I am talking about the times and ways that we suppress our opinions, thoughts and feelings from each other. There can be any combination of one million reasons that people become silent toward each other. Whatever the impetus, withholding our feelings and emotions from each other is a surefire relationship killer.
Because our feelings are being suppressed and kept tucked down inside, a silent marriage does not argue. It looks fine from the outside, sometimes even to the couple. However, while things look fine, distance is growing and separating the couple. Because true feelings are not being expressed on one or both sides of the relationship, there is still interaction but all the while the walls of division are multiplying.
This issue of being silent in marriage goes all the way back to Adam and Eve. Adam remained silent while the serpent deceived Eve. He knew what God had previously spoken to him, it appears he even conveyed it to Eve, but when he heard the serpent lying and deceiving Eve, he just sat by silently. He did not object loudly, he did not demand that this “outsider” stop talking to his wife, he did not tell her how he felt about her talking to this intruder, he just sat silently. As a result, she ate the fruit and gave it to her husband “who was there with her,” and with it came shame and the need to lie to cope with the consequences.
Likewise, in our modern marriages, regardless of gender, misplaced silence ushers in a host of strain and confusion. Where there is silence, there is room for speculation, doubt and false assumptions. When we don’t object because it may cause unwanted consequences, or we bite our tongue because, well, we won’t be understood or appreciated anyway, then we better brace for the consequences of distance and separation that are sure to follow. It is because of silence that a wife falsely concludes her husband doesn’t notice a new outfit or hairstyle. It is because of silence that a husband concludes, “She doesn’t care about what is going on with me”.
So what do you do when you and your spouse have become silent toward each other. Well, here are a few suggestions to remove and keep silence from quietly killing your relationship.
1. Early detection. Just as it is important to have regular checkups with your doctor, it is equally important to regularly check the health of your communication. When you notice either yourself or your spouse becoming silent, speak up.
2. Talk. Life is busy for everybody, nobody gets a pass nowadays, we all are busy, we have to go, we are late and we must be there – everywhere with level ten urgency!But for the sake of the health of our marriage, we must find at least one day a week to talk for at least 15 minutes. Make it a date, plan for it and make it 2 times mo important than all of the other important things we must do.
3. Play. Go skiing, golfing, go for a walk, a ride, find some sort of physical activity. If I can modify the lyrics of that old Outcast song back in the day: You need to get up, get out, and get talking. Get out, explore, enjoy and laugh a little; it may be just the thing that gets you talking.
4. Write a letter. Some people just a naturally quiet and expressing their feelings is uncomfortable. But in the close contact of a marriage, it is important to let the other person know how we feel. So write it out. It can be a great way to get it all straight in our own minds and feel comfortable expressing it. Now,whether you give the letter to the person or not is up to you.
5. Overcommunicate. Even if you know what is going on and what your spouse is saying and meaning, ask anyway.
6. Be honest. It is better to say I don’t want to talk about it right now, than to say nothing is wrong. At least the other person has a heads up that all is not well.
The bottom line on silence is to speak up! How does your marriage seek to maintain a healthy pattern of communication between the two of you?
Niambi says
Great post! All points are well taken!
Niambi says
Just a quick question for you Mr. Lee. Are there any books that you would recommend married couples or singles to read that would help them with communication. I keep hearing about the 5 love languages book. What about Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus? Do you have any suggestions. Thanks!
Katrina Young, RN says
I know people say women talk too much sometimes but it’s better than living in silence. Thanks for the important info.
Rasaan Jay says
It’s not the talking that’s the problem. It’s the not listening…..
Tivona C. says
This is something I really need to work on. I’m a work in progress!
Anonymous says
Struggle…yeah me too. Sometimes, I just don’t know what to say when. LOL.
Anonymous says
Communication by H. Norman Wright is a really good book and yes, The 5 Love Languages is a great book too. Those are the only ones specifically dedicated to communication that I am familiar with. But you may also want to do a search on this site for a post called “5 Books to Repair Your Marriage” from back in July. There are some good books there that also address marriage. Hope this helps.
Marilyn says
Unfortunately after 17 years of marriage; I don’t have anything to say positive about it.My marriage at different points of the relationship has fallen to silence, but we always manage to come out of it, after a couple of weeks. But the last 4 or 5 years, my husband has become a very angry person when he does speak. He has become totally silent, When he comes home from work, he just enters the apartment; talks to our kids only 11,9,5. Doesn’t acknowledge that I am in the room.
In the beginning, when he did this I always managed to say good evening or how was your day even though I knew he wouldn’t respond. I thought I should take the higher road, especially because our children were usually witnessing this. After doing it for several months, I noticed this act was having a negative affect on the children. In the beginning my younger child would always say daddy tell mommy how your day was or daddy answer mommy. At the time she was around 3 years old. The middle child, would start immediately acting out, sometimes he would even get a bout of diarrhea when daddy came home. The oldest never said anything he would just listen and make believe he was reading a book. After seeing how my kids were suffering, I stopped greeting someone who wasn’t greeting me back. Its a lot more bearable for the children because they don’t have to hold their breathes waiting for a response. When my husband comes home know the children run and greet him at the door and he just ignores me. On several occasion s when the children greet him at the door he gives them the silent treatment for a day or two.
They have adapted to the situation, but not fully because they ask me questions about why their dad doesn’t talk to me. I could see in their faces that their hearts are breaking and has been broken. I tell them their dad is angry and I am not sure why. They leave at that and go back and play or whatever activity they were doing. But I can see the look of worry and confusion on their faces. Anyway, its a sad situation in this house. My husband is a pastor so when I speak to anyone at that church about the situation; you can see them squirming and never believing a word that I say. They seem to always ask me what I am saying or doing to make him so angry. Since he is a pastor he doesn’t believe in getting help from professionals. So I’m coming to the realization that I have to take myself and the children out of this situation. Hopefully they will realize that this is not normal and they won’t treat their spouses this way, especially the boys who will one day be men.
Open to any positive suggestions to help improve my situation.
Anonymous says
Marilyn sorry to hear how tough things are in your marriage. I know what the pressures of ministry can do & feel like. The truth is there really are not any quick fixes and you both will have to be commited to making lasting changes. I can say that one thing that helped my wife & I was to attend “A Weekend to Remember” by Family life. They come to just about every city and they are free for Pastors. It is just a weekend, but for us it jump started more lasting changes.
Hope this helps, I pray things get better
Rasaan Jay says
Edward,
Great article as silence is and can be a huge problem in relationships. However, there seems to be gaps in the rationale. Sure silence is a killer of relationships… any type of relationship. But silence is a relationship is a result or a manifestation not a trait. We all understand that Men internalize their problems first before they address them. But I dont think were talking about that. Were talking about when there is a noticeable absence from the marriage recognizable by the silence. They say the opposite of Love is not Hate, but it is Indifference. So Love and Indifference are not emotions they are States of Being. And these States dont just happen they manifest over time. People become Indifferent for different reasons, but when it manifests as Silence the Universal Law of Polarity will prove to be true. And what I mean by that is… If one Speaks and doesnt feel heard they will surely shift to the opposite pole and develop an Inner Silence that will soon become an Outer Silence. The Soul of people need to be heard. Unfortunately with the Egotistical nature of humans, we all feel like were good listeners, but the proof is in the pudding and I promise you, no one who sits across from a skilled listener will be able to contain their thoughts and lips for more than a few seconds. So here are a few of my suggestions piggybacking off of your suggestions:
1. Early detection: As with anything early detection is good. But dont be so quick to speak up. Take a moment to take a mental inventory of recent issues. Ask yourself how you handled them. Then ask yourself how you think your spouse would have liked you to handle them. Are those 2 in alignment? Dont over think the issues, just get an idea so youre not approaching the person from a place of complete naiveté and unawareness.
2. Talk: General everyday talk is good or what my Wife and I call “Checking Inâ€., but keep in mind that will for the most part be surface, but it will open up an opportunity for you to listen in and get clues to what could ultimately be the problem. Noone can just Talk their way out of a State. Imagine someone trying to talk themselves out of a Depression. Just remember the reason theyre probably not talking is because they feel like theyre repeating themselves and not being heard. Or the other person just doesnt listen. So use the Check In session as an opportunity to show that you can “actively listenâ€. And as the talker Id say, dont try to tackle too much too soon. Dont pill it on. Start light and build up.
3. Play: Separate the Play from the Talk. Use this time to just be in the moment. Keep the conversation light and the play heavy. If there is a problem, you wouldnt wont to ruin a good day out trying to delve into things that wont be solved that moment anyway. Just use that time to remember why you two get together in the first place and the Love you share.
4. Write a Letter: Definitely agree with this all the way around. If the situation is big enough, a letter from both ends would be helpful. But this is with the understanding that not everybody is Langston Hughes with the pen. But at least this gives you time to gather your thoughts. And it gives the reader time to internalize without having to worry about having to immediately respond.
5. Over-communicate: People tend to forget the “COM†communication. Communication is a 2-way exchange. The listener should not get caught up in how they feel about the silence or the situation. Now is the time to actively listen. Ask the important questions, not just “Whats wrong?†Now is the time to play the good detective. Now when to push forward and when to back off. And remember its Over-communicate not Over-talk. Know how to open up the opportunity then fall back and watch.
6. Be Honest: When you do choose to speak, definitely say what you mean and mean what you say. If you choose to go into the issue go into the issue fully. Being honest also means that youre being honest with yourself. Know that you are ready to not only speak but are mentally ready to deal with the situation. If youre still hurt or angry, etc… than dont be coerced into talking.
Again… great article… just want to chime in with my thoughts.
Peace
-Rasaan J.
Anonymous says
Rasaan – I really appreciate the depth of your comments. You are absolutely right that silence comes about for many reasons and at varying depths. The overall point is to expose silence for the problem it is – thanks again for your comments, I hope they help others too!
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