“I don’t understand why you left, baby what didn’t I do? Wasn’t I always there for you? Wasn’t I good to you? How was I to know something was wrong, baby I can’t read minds. All you had to do was tell me but you kept it all inside!”
Yes. Those thoughts in 112’s song, Missing You, are exactly what many men end up thinking when suddenly his woman drops the bomb on him that she isn’t happy anymore. She has been walking around suffering in silence, while he thinks everything is cool. So who is wrong in this scenario? Let’s talk about it!
I cannot tell you the number of times female clients come to me upset about their men. I mean by the time she finishes talking, sometimes I have to ask “Ummmm, explain to me why you are with him again?” But then I bring it back and ask one simple question,”have you communicated these things to him?” Too often I get that infamous answer “NO…he should just know!” HENCE, there comes a major problem. She wants him to have psychic power, and she’s not just mad but angry that he isn’t reading her mind. She’s walking around pouting and being passive aggressive and getting more upset daily.
Okay, for all of you women who really do believe, “he should just know,” I will give you this. As men, we have to do a better job of being more in tune and in touch with our women. We have to learn how to better anticipate needs and take initiative, as well just manage through some of the seasons and emotions you experience. The truth of the matter is that as seasons change, sometimes needs change. We as men have to be aware and willing to accommodate those changes.
Men are portrayed as selfish beings, when many times it’s more ignorance than selfishness.
While I understand some of the improvements men must make, ladies you still must open your mouths and say what it is that you want or don’t want, need or don’t need. So many marriages are falling apart because we would rather talk to everyone about our problems than our mate. Men are not mind readers and you should stop expecting us to be that. If we have been doing something the same way for years and you have never said it was wrong, but your needs have shifted now, then do us a favor and SAY IT! Men are portrayed as selfish beings, when many times it’s more ignorance than selfishness. Believe it or not, as men we want to please our women but sometimes we aren’t as intuitive as y’all are. “Well, I shouldn’t have to tell you what to do all of the time,” No, you shouldn’t but even a coach gives his players a game plan to work with!
You see the part in all of this that gets left out is while women are getting upset with us for not shifting our behavior when their needs change, suddenly some new man or person comes along and it seems like they have you all figured out. Well, see that dude didn’t know the YOU from 5 years ago, when you were quite different. So now this new dude looks like a prince and your current man looks like a slack jawed loser, how fair is THAT? Nah…let me stop and leave that for another blog.
The moral of the story is that if we want our relationships to last long term, we have to check in with each other EARLY and OFTEN. A simple question could be “are you getting everything from me that you need?” Just ask, then listen, and then accommodate. Ladies stop suffering in silence and telling everyone your problems but your man and men start paying attention before it’s too late! Get to talking!
BMWK Fam what are some other disconnects that happen because of lack of communication?
Michelle says
interesting article. I think As women we give up on communication when it doesn’t seem to be working. When you speak about something many times you start to feel like you’re nagging and for wanting to be a good wife you stop talking about it. Unfortunately, it builds up. How do you keep speaking about something that’s getting no reaction?
Anonymous says
Exactly!!!
Finally says
This is it! I think most of the time this is how women feel. You mention it once or twice and wait to see if anything changes. When it doesn’t you feel ignored/neglected. It gets old. That’s when resentment comes in because you’re trying not to be the nagging partner. But men seeem to default to that rebuttal to avoid confrontation and responsibility of actually addressing the issue.
Anonymous says
I totally agree with you and I too wanna know ‘how do you keep speaking about something that gets no reaction?. I’m at my wits end
Anonymous says
I don’t speak on the issues anymore. I got tired of feeling played and used up. So now i think and do on the strength of me. Happiness starts within and life is too short to engage anothers misery. Ladies when you get tired of being put on the back burner…you know what to do. I’m living and loving self.
Troy says
Michelle thanks so much for reading and I understand your point I can see how you would not want to be seen as a “nag” but I think that if we learn to communicate effectively and often then we don’t get to the point of “nagging” rather it becomes just a matter of checking in and reinforcing what your needs are. I find that many times what people call communicating is really ineffective and needs a different approach. I talk about the different approach here:
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2013/07/how-effective-communication-can-keep-your-relationship-out-of-chaos/
Troy says
If you are effectively communicating and getting no action it may be time to bring in a third party to moderate and help your mate see what they are remaining blind to. Sometimes it takes someone else intervening to make someone listen. Both of you need to put in tne effort!
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2013/07/how-effective-communication-can-keep-your-relationship-out-of-chaos/
Dimples says
Easier said then done i found us a counselor and we’ve been going for a year and he listened for awhile but now he’s back to his old tricks again. Im soooo aggravated with him but I realize I married a narrcaist and I just don’t know what to do. But I have one foot out the door.
Rashon says
I completely agree with this passage and I’m sort of in this same situation, except I’m being open and honest about what I want because I want to fall back in love with my husband, and I know he’s still growing and part of his issues are ignorance to women, which he’s never been taught, and part of the reason why I feel I’m not in love with him anymore is because he doesn’t know some of things/ways to treat and talk to a woman/wife………… How do you fall back in love??
Troy Spry says
Rashon falling back in love is an active process that needs participation by both people. Revisit the things that made you fall in love in the first place. Relive some of those experiences so you can reconnect. Secondly seek activities that YALL ca do together to educate yourselves and rebuild. Conferences, coaching, coupled game nights, couples fitness are just a few to name! Good luck with reconnecting.
Dee says
How about a 30 yr marriage were when you started out with nothing, strugglEd through it. From the 12th yr mark expressed the need to share in something together. Now with my support and encouragevent have assisted him to growth. He has his own things, expensive hobby and things and events that are important to me, 40th bday, graduating with a degree in a new field, to name a few. Take second to his hobby. I have expressed that I feel like an option instead of his priority. I suffered in silence, now I have planned to move out with nothing. So, I may move on. Am I being too sensitive?
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