“…For better or for worse…in sickness and in health…’til death us do part.” Before that, I think it says something about loving, honoring and cherishing each other, right? So, if your spouse decides to break those vows and let’s say…have an extra-marital affair, does that justify you to break yours too and leave? There are a lot of different religious stances on divorce, case scenarios, and infinite combinations of circumstances that will justify a person’s reason to stay or to hit the road. Everyone has their opinion about what they feel is right when faced with infidelity, mainly because there’s no right or wrong answer.
Nowadays, I take people’s words and intentions with a grain of salt regarding what they will or won’t do if they caught their spouses cheating. Quite honestly, I feel like its nobody’s business anyway what goes in your marriage. Some things need to be sacred. So, if you stay nobody knows and if you decide to leave then, good for you! But, when we do talk about it and I hear people say, “Oh, I’d leave him in a heartbeat!” or “It wouldn’t be me!” I just listen because I’ve heard it all and guess what? He/She stayed. No fault of theirs, you just never know what you’ll do when faced with that gut-wrenching, heart-breaking decision – especially when there are kids involved.
Not long ago, I learned that a friend of mine, was legally separated from her husband due to his infidelity early on their marriage and they decided to still live under the same roof until their younger daughter graduated from high school! Her reasoning was that her daughters needed BOTH of their parents. Yes, initially I found that odd but, I realized, “That worked for them.” I have another friend that’s been married to her husband for 27 years. He has not one, but TWO grown children from extra-marital affair. At first glance, that too seemed like too much of a deal-breaker for me, but again I realized again, “Hey…that works for them.”
I’d like to think just like every other unknowing, confident married woman who’s had to endure the unthinkable, that I’m smart enough or I’m satisfying or I’m substantial enough or that I’m worthy enough of my husband being faithful in our marriage. But the truth is, it can happen to me too! I am not immune. I am also not ashamed to say that I think I can survive infidelity, but you never know the circumstances. I’ve always said, affairs of the heart are the worst because there’s much more involved than just the lust of the flesh, there are heart strings attached. Whew! Just thinking about all of this gives me a migraine. But sadly everyday, men and women go to sleep and wake up to the day they wish they could erase.
To contrast this, some people are happy when the dark secrets of their spouse come to light because they can now justify an action (of leaving) that they really couldn’t before. This still makes me sad because being a product of divorced parents, I know first hand that it can be devastating. An unforgettable amount of heartache and confusion that will get better over time, but will never truly go away. I’m praying that I’m never faced with this decision, because my reality is that I have children to consider. These are children that are reaping the benefits of a two-parent household and I love the family structure and environment that we’re creating for them. Whether you leave or decide to stay, you must always consider the ramifications of either choice and always always think about the children.
BMWK – We know that marriages can survive infidelity it they are willing to put in the work to rebuild the foundation. Check out our movie Still Standing that shows how a couple is able to build a happy life together after infidelity early on in the marriage. Is infidelity a deal breaker? If not, what would it take for you to forgive?
I married my husband and 1 year later he was diagnosed with cancer 1 year later he was cancer free.
Then 6 months later I was deployed overseas and came back to him being in a 6 month affair. I must say that I was devastated. This woman was in love with him. Having an affair is one thing but, to erase the 2 years we were together prior to our marriage everything we had went through in and out of the hospital we went through so much and were so young.
We didnt know anything about cancer
If it wasnt for the foundation, relationship that I have with my Father in Heaven, I to could have used this as the perfect exit.
For better or for worst well my husband didnt have the perfect role models for being a husband. Not to make excuses for him.I didn’t have a handbook on being a wife.
Needless to say he came to me and we discussed it and not only did he tell me that he wanted his marriage to work but, he put in the work to regain my trust.
Ive learned not to put unrealistic expectations on humans. Hes human I thought about it like this, it could have easily been me whom had the affair flying around the world chasing a career I think I would have wanted that second chance too.
I had to work on letting go and moving on and it wasnt easy My GOD Honor marriages and I have seen the Favor that he has shown mine.
Hence after being married for 15 years, marriage is work work and more work.
I have 5 younger sisters and a brother younger. I wanted to break the generational curse over our family. I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me. I often have to intercede on my husbands behalf.
Hes not perfect; I have a Perfect Father in heaven who loves him and me more than we love ourselves. Divorce doesnt always have to be the option.
Be Blessed E,Texas
wow, i so thank you for your story.
Your story is very powerful. I’d also like to think that it is a rare case when both parties choose to reconcile after such a huge lost of trust and respect. I am very inspired
Thanks for your story Evelyn…I’m still surviving. Everyday is a struggle.
I’ve never understood people who cheat in marriages, I dont think they realize they made a vow to God and they will burn in hell for adultery. I’m so thankful that I know the Lord our God and I have upheld my vows even though my husband has not.
The only biblical grounds for divorce is adultery. However, the Word does not require it to be handled in that way. Jesus stated that the Lord would rather us to forgive that transgression and work towards reconciling. Divorce was allowed as a remedy to a state of hardened hearts in the presence of adultery. Meant to protect the wounded party. Repentance vs. Remorse. They are two totally different things. Remorse is the state of feeling badly or sorry for what one has done wrong. Anyone, and I do mean anyone can and most always is remorseful for a wrong. Now their motive for being remorseful is only known to them and to God. Repentance takes the position of acknowledging the absolute wrong, having empathy for the one that was hurt by the wrong, desiring change and working towards it. Repentance is what it takes to reconcile. I might add that Reconciliation/Restoration vs. Forgiveness are not one and the same either. It is always required of followers of Christ to forgive whether or not the perpetrator asks for it or not or wants it or not. Forgiveness only requires one participant or willing person. Repentance on the othe hand, must be present for reconciliation/restoration to occur because it takes the efforts of two. Since marriage is so very sacred, mere environment(the presence of children) is rarely enough to make it last. That is why so many marriages spike in divorce rates after year 20. The kids are old enough to handle it in their eyes and they can fake it no more. Women are the ones initiating the majority of all divorces. This makes sense because they would more than likely put up, for the sake of their children. Once their ‘duty’ (which is what marriage is reduced to when one is doesn’t feel valued or respected) is done , they are out.
I have friend who have known about their significant others’ indiscretions and have decided to stay married. I am always in awe of the people who stay in the marriage but as the author wrote it is their decision and it apparently works for them. As far trying to the do the right thing biblically not only is adultery the given that divorce is acceptable, I think people repeatedly forget that just because someone is sorry – truly sorry for their actions, that doesn’t mean will not be consequences. And maybe the consequence is a divorce.
I am in a marriage class with my spouse. One of the topics is exceptional love, which as I have learned, is anchored by selflessness. Selflessness is so foreign, but what a profound concept. People cheat physically and in their hearts because of their desires. Why is it so tough to simply stand by our commitments? We go to work everyday even though we have strong desires not to most of the time. I argue that there is too much access to sexual temptation and willingness to give in to it, too much focus on self (what I want and should have). Yet we cannot run or hide from the temptations that are all around us. Any marriage that can last in this climate and is thriving is truly blessed. I am praying that more married men and women could be so fortunate.