by Eric Payne
Before I became a husband and a father of two, I was the boyfriend of a mother of one.
Within five minutes of first meeting my wife she told me she dropped out of college five years earlier at nineteen to have her child. In that same five minutes she went on to tell me she was on the Dean’s List at Fordham University where she was finishing her degree at night. After a few dates, I learned she made a solid seventeen thousand dollars more per year than I did. And although her parents were divorced, she spent her formative years growing up under the same roof with both her parents. Nothing was wrong with her. I didn’t get it. Why did she have a kid?
Back then I made it a policy to steer clear of women with children who weren’t divorcees. I was filled with prejudices and judgments I made based on the horror stories I heard up until that point. Women with children got drama. What are they smoking that would make them go through with having a child without a man? Why would they put themselves through that? Or even better, why would they put a child through that?
Clearly, I didn’t have a clue.
Even though I’ve always had my mother’s love, back then I had no idea what it meant for a mother to love her child, or to create and carry a life inside her. I still don’t, but now as a witness who has a front-row seat, I can say I’m awed by it.
As my relationship grew from casual to serious, I had a decision to make: either stick to my misguided guns or take a chance and go down a path where I’d never been before.
For superficial reasons, I opted for the latter. My wife was too fine for me to let her simply walk away on a “technicality.” But with my decision came a mountain of challenges and tasks to overcome. The first and most difficult of them being a combined effort to convince and assure her that vulnerability was not a weakness. The second was using love (even when I didn’t want to) to fill the deep chip on her shoulder that had developed over time from wearing both the pants and the heels at the same time for her little family of two. It was quite a challenge navigating my way through this, but in the end, it definitely was worth the effort.
The lesson I had to learn was that when building a life with a woman with a child, the child is as much a part of her as a limb. Being an only child, at times this was a hard lesson for me to learn. But by no means did this mean there wasn’t room for me. In my particular case I took the lead in making this room. I also took an active role in the life of my son-to-be. With a little bit (actually a lot) of patience and effort I earned the trust of an amazing little boy. This had far reaching consequences I couldn’t have anticipated back then. Nowadays it’s easy to be his father and just as easy for him to call me, “Dad.”
Achieving this wasn’t easy. Not even on the good days. It’s easy to feel left out and even rejected when courting a mom you don’t have a child with. And it’s easy for her to forget that she’s human too — deserving of all the excitement and joy a relationship can bring — and responsible for contributing her share as well. Determining where this happy medium lies can be the test of any relationship with a woman, or a man, with a child. It requires many conversations and plenty of understanding and patience to get there. But keep in mind it’s not about playing second fiddle. A child is not a fiddle. Anyone who believes otherwise is in for a rude awakening. You have to ask yourself, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you have it any different?
I agree 100%!! I actually reunited with a HS flame several years after graduation, and she had a daughter. I came into the picture on the 1st birthday, and been there ever since. We’re now married and have added a son to the equation. However, it was much easier for me. All my daughter knows is me for Daddy. So much that people even comment that she looks so much like her Daddy….I do my little fake chuckle, and think to myself…how odd! LOL. But, I have friends that are in that same predicament, and after hearing all the horror stories, they ask me how I did it…well, there really wasn’t anything for me to do. God had already put the pieces of the puzzle together, I just had to hop on in and keep moving forward. I love our daughter just as much as our son, and if I never told those close to me that she’s not biologically mine, no one would ever know the difference.
CONGRATULATIONS ON MAKING ESSENCE!!!!! I’m so happy for you guys and I know the best is yet to come. Continued Success, Joslin!!!!!
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Eric,
Yours is a story of many men out there. It’s about the choice they make, if they want to do the hard work or get gone. Many men can’t see past the “technicality”.
When I first met my fiancee he told me that he had a son from a previous relationship, which at the time didn’t really seem real to me since his son did not live with him.
A few years later things changed as they always do and his son needed to come and live with us. Let me tell you this little boy did not like me, I was not his mother and he was not having it. It has been almost 7 very hard and difficult years and his son and my relationship is still very strained, but I am still here. There were times when I was ready to let this man go just because I didn’t feel that I could handle being a step mom to a child that could not stand me. It was very hard and still is, I continue to tell myself that as long as I try and provide him with stability, love and everything I would want for my own child that he will grow into a relationship with me and grow into a wonderful person.
There are sacrifices that we have to make within ourselves in order to have the person we love in our lives and sometimes those sacrifices are huge but oh so worth it in the end.
@TP2 – I go through the same thing with “looking” like my son. He was 5 vs. your 1 but I hate to say it like this it was relatively “easy” because his biological “sperm donor” (as my wife puts it) bolted from day one, never to be heard from again. But I think my wife was the biggest hurdle in not realizing or understanding that I wasn’t coming into her world a ready-made dad, so my progress was maybe a bit slower than it could’ve been.
@EricaNaomi – keep your head up. Seven years is a long time, but it’s also the number of completion. You’ve got to find a common point of interest or show him something brand new WITHOUT his father being around (if this is possible). I think I turned my corner when I took my son for swimming lessons. He began to talk to me about swimming — his fears, his joys, etc. — now he’s one of the best swimmers in the family. Maybe something like this might work for you.
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My husband said that prior to meeting me, he told himself that he vowed not to date anyone who had a child. When we met, I had a 5 year old son and was divorced. I did not introduce my husband to my son for about 5 months because I wanted to be sure he was someone worthy of being around my child. After meeting my son, my husband and my son became very attached to each other and that was a good selling point to me–he loved me and my child. I know other men who feel the same ways that my husband did, and it is unfortunate because they might be missing out on a wonderful woman (and child).
Great story to hear. I’m laughing at the word technicality.
@EricaNaomi,
My brother and his wife came into their relationship with children of their own. And she’s dealing with the same situation and has the same outlook. I think that’s great. Initially family members passed jdugement on their relationship but many years later, they’re still together, and happily married. They also had a child of their own.
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My husband had a son that did not live with him when we met. We are making plans (and room) for him to come live with us when he turns 12 (in one year).
He’s a GREAT kid. Polite, loving, respectful and REAL. Ironically, we look a lot alike, and he and his brother act a lot alike in terms of personality.
I’m really excited about his arrival! Thanks for the article, Eric! You made some great points!
I have thanked God repeatedly that my husband did not have children when we met. In our relationship we’ve had so much drama from ex’s and friends that I can’t imagine having to add any “baby mama drama” to the mix. I can honestly say that I am proud to have had my husbands baby and imagine that I would always have feelings for him because of that even if we were to divorce. So I wouldn’t expect any less from another woman.
But I know of some good experiences and some bad. My husbands mom had two kids (Him and his brother) when she met her future husband. To this day my honey and his dad have a great relationship and most people dont know thats his step-dad.
on the other hand…
My cousin had two daughters when she married her husband who had one daughter. They both had the most hideous drama with their exes and still have blended family issues.
It seems to make a difference if the other parent is still around or not and how old the children are when the new parent steps in.
But I will say this, it takes a strong person to come in and raise another persons children, especially in a hostile situation (either from the child or their other parent). Kudos to You!
Thanks for this article.
My fiancé has 2 kids. I entered into the picture when his oldest was 18 months and his youngest was 6 months old. They don’t call me mommy but certainly treat me like one. He’s had them all this time so they live with us. There was (and still is at times) baby mama drama but I personally ignore it (it’s possible for my situation). I’ve seen other comments where the child looks like the step parent. That would be the case with us too. If people don’t know us, they would say things like “he has pretty eyes just like his mom” or “they look just like you”. My fiancé told me to just go along with it. He even made the comment before I met the kids that people would think I was their mother. I too made the same statement to myself that I was not going to date a man with kids. I didn’t want the drama, but got it anyway.
For those of us who say what we are NEVER gonna do: God has a funny way of hearing that and planting our steps in the very direction we don’t want to go. We then find out what we’re truly made of and it just may be the case that that partner (or even more importantly that child) needed you in their lives, despite your own wants and wishes.
I believe this to the very core of my being.
Eric
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Great read. It does take a very strong man to marry a woman with kids, especially when the kids dad is still in the picture. When I married I got a husband and my kids got a “pops”. My husband told me (later) that if I had bad ass kids he would not have stayed with me for one week. LOL. I commend men who see a women with kids as the womens “limb”. Kids are an exttension of us, if a man is willing to see and accept that extension I give them kudos! My rule of thumb is to not date a man with kids. As Eric stated “Never” say never. I just know that was my rule and it panned out. When you are in love you realize that you really don’t have a “type”. You connect with who you connect with. My husband does not have kids and I am the one who has to understand what he does for us “is for all of us”. My husband told me that he knows I have had my kids and that he thinks GOD sent him to me to be in our lives. Ok everyone can now say AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW.
Thanks for this article Eric. I am glad that you decided to pursue a relationship with your wife. There are so many wonderful women out there that are single mothers.
@EricaNaomi – sounds like your stepson is very blessed to have you as a stepmom….Not everyone has such a positive attitude when dealing with children.
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@Anna – AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW 🙂 lol
This is such a wonderful topic. So many lives become entertwined in an “instant” I too, reconnected and fell in love with someone from my H.S. past. Each of us came into the relationship with 3 children a piece. I too had the “I would not want to date someone with children syndrome” Especially, after being “burned” in that aspect in a past relationship.
What did change my mind? The faith that it doesn’t always have to be drama with the exes.
While I proceeded with caution, I was pleasantly surprised at how smoothly we transitioned into a family untit. This unit includes their bio-mom as well. She and I have no tension what so ever. Amen. I in turn have gained a wonderful partner and three bonus daughters. On his side he has gained my 2 sons and daughter. In Jan.2008 we expanded our family, adding a beautiful baby boy to the mix.
Yes, we have our fair share of ups and downs, but the potential for a good,strong family unit is what we strive for everyday. It can work, just be realistic and patient. Be blessed!
I really liked this article!
Brown is beautiful
Now you have such a wonderful family! Thats what i want. I got 2 kids and am looking for a partner / lover / friend – the whole combo.
i want him not to have kids. or if he does, its 2 and then we can adopt 2 more, and make homegrown ones / one. whatever!
I jusst want a large large family of nuclear family, 2 extended families. its nice
Why should single men WITHOUT children marry a single mom WITH children? How fair is it to the man who held his ground (and didn’t sleep around irresponsibly) to end up being responsible (and also be held accountable) for some other man’s child?
Question: Do single moms actually think about the consequences for their actions REACTIVELY, instead of PROACTIVELY?
Basically Put: Why wait until something gets broken, then act to try to fix it sometime later? Before it becomes a problem, take the necessary steps and precautions to prevent it from ever occurring in the first place. It’s the first step to becoming an responsible adult.
Most single men don’t want a “ready-made” family, so you could severly limit your dating options if you choose to have a child out-of-wedlock. Just a helpful tip.
Money talks, sounds kind of bitter and prejudice towards single women. No one has the right to judge anyone situation ands= everyone deserves love. I have not met one person without flaw! This was a wonderful article!
My advice is to avoid those things for early communications. Also avoid sending IMs when first contacting someone
dating
Most single men don’t want a “ready-made” family.
Most single men don’t want a “ready-made” family.
My situation is the opposite I’m a 41year old divorced Women with 3 adult children 26,22,18 my 18 year lives at home and goes to college fulltime and works parttime and all the men I meet have young children and I dont want to date them when I meet them they don’t mention their children until I ask then I’m told they that they have 2 year old twins 6 year olds and 5 year olds and these men are 42,43,and 55 I dont want to spend my weekends with little kids been there done that and no I don’t have grandkids so this is my time not kid time need someone with adult kids like me
Glad my husband isn’t one of those “most men”.
Never had any “drama” and only have one child…not 2-3 with several different fathers.
My husband and I we’re friends for 8 years.. dated for 2 of those years before we got married. So he spend a lot of time with my son and I together. No one forced him to marry me. He made that choice himself.
Thank you for story! God bless you and your family!
Ok, took me a while to write this but after reading a few blogs..I’m in a peculiar situation myself. I have 2 kids by a women(daughter is 11 and son is 8) that I’m no longer with. I’m married to a women whose 14 years older than me. I’m unhappy, my wife has no ambition to want do anything else, and I’ve been bored for a few years now. My marriage is FLAT OUT boring and STALE!! However, my kids stay about a 10 minute drive away from me. I visit them about 3 to 4 days a week. Me and my kids mother are hella cool. I don’t know if she has a boyfriend or a “special friend” in her life because she doesn’t talk about him nor have I seen him. She’s hella busy with school full time (5 days a week) and she works 12 hrs a day on the weekends. Me and my kids mother have had our “rough patches”in the past but now we seem to understand that we HAVE to be GREAT PARENTS to our children regardless of our past issues. We get along awesome like were best friends. Lately we’ve been talking alot via text messages and when I visit the kids. Sometimes, I buy her dinner from my job or somewhere when shes hungry because she dont be having enough food to feed her and the other kids(3 from a previous relationship; she only had one when we met; had 1after my daughter; and 1 after my son) We haven’t had sex since she was pregnant with my son(yeah that long!!). I give her a hug and kiss on the cheek when I see her(whether that’s somewhere in the streets or when I go her house). I do love her and I’ve watched her over the years with other guys not treating her right and so on. I broke it off with her because at that particular time I was in the “streets”(mentally and physically; not ready for my responsibilities).Lately she’s always texting me, telling me to come over because she tired of yelling at the kids,my daughter doing this and my son doing that. Which I don’t mind because thats what I’m supposed to do as a father. I try my hardest to be in my kids life…whether thats calling them, taking them somewhere, reviewing their homework or staying there till they go to sleep.When I’m over there we all talk like we’re one happy family..it’s so weird(her other kids call me daddy). Today she asked me to spend a few nights there a week because my daughter and son is being a “pain in the azz.” I don’t know if that means she wants to work it out or if that means,”You can stay here a few days a week…and lets see what happens.” My only problem with this is lately I’ve been asking myself, “Why didn’t I marry my kids mother??”…”Why aren’t you trying to work things out with your kids mother so you can be a REAL FAMILY??”..”Your daughter is pre-teen, shouldn’t I be there everyday for her?” I guess you can ask me the question: Why did I marry this older lady?? Honestly, I ask myself the same thing. I’m bored outta my mind. My kids bring me joy(headaches and all).Me and the wifey don’t have any assets together. No car, house, bank account, nothing. Just our name on a sheet of paper. My family likes my wife but they think shes a bit “slow” mentally. This is tough…..
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This was a beautiful article! As a single mom to a 3 year old it gives hope to me. I believe “word of mouth” plays A LOT of part in the way people feel about “baby’s mamas”. The most important thing to remember is not everyone has the “drama” . People need to learn just cause it happened with John doesn’t mean Tom will experience the same.
That was very insightful, Mr. Payne. Your willingness to examine your prejudices and judgments attests to your reasonableness, which led to self- enlightenment. That’s always good. We all make mistakes. The difference in a situation such as this is that women usually have the children and men go off to live the “single” life as usual (a situation which can be reversed with the same results). You’re so right about vulnerability and trust issues. When love and trust are violated, walls come up that are mighty hard to tear down. With your obvious love of a strong, beautiful, perhaps even fragile woman as a motivating factor, your willingness to gain insight into yourself and her as well, and then renew and deepen her trust and love in a man, you show that a strong, loving relationship can be built and can thrive.