by Aja Dorsey Jackson
Every year or so, a friend of mine has a new girlfriend. I have little interest in his personal dating habits, but what does concern me is the fact that he has a very young child. Shortly into each relationship he, the new woman, and his child are always one happy family. New woman has basically moved into his house. New woman is babysitting his child while he’s doing other things. Add this to the fact that his child’s mother has a habit of following the same pattern, it makes me wonder what type of effect this situation has on a child.
I am the child of divorced parents. Although my mother dated I rarely met anyone that she was involved with. In fact, I don’t clearly remember meeting anyone that she was involved with prior to my teen years. It took me until adulthood to realize that one of her boyfriends wasn’t actually the plumber (Seriously, I just thought we lived in an old house with frequent plumbing issues!) Even with my dad I think the first woman I met was the one that he eventually married. I guess this is why I’ve always been so protective of my own daughter when it came to relationships.
I acknowledge that this need to be protective borders on crazed paranoia. After our first date I immediately looked up my husband on the sex offender registry, whether he had ever been charged or convicted of a crime, and figured out where his mother and father lived just in case (a few years of journalism school didn’t hurt when it comes to my private eye activities). While my daughter did meet my husband a couple of times before we got completely serious, I made a point not to incorporate him into her life until we knew where the relationship was headed.
My feeling was always, I chose to date. My daughter did not. The potential heartache and drama of it all was something that I had to endure, while exposing as little of it to her as possible.
What is the right way to do this? On the one hand, I don’t believe that it’s okay for children to be constantly exposed to some revolving door of men and women. On the other hand, I think it’s important to see how your partner interacts with your children before it gets serious. And if a man or woman has become a big part of your life, is it fair for you to exclude your children from that part?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com.
Great article Aja!! You know my feelings on this topic are just like yours. Though I did not have any kids that I needed to be introduced to my husband, I know that kids do not need to put in a position of meeting someone new to have them be gone in a couple of months. I have a friend that I have to remind that although it may not always be convenient for you to go out all the time (i.e. having someone to watch her daughter), that does not mean that you invite him over and meet your kids just for the convenience of being able to date. My parents were separated for most of my childhood and I never recall meeting anyone that my mother dated until I was in high school, my father probably the same and then by the time they introduced me to their potential boy/girlfriend, they were back together anyway. LOL!
Great Article Aja!! I took the same approach as you…when I was dating, the kids did not meet my dates either. I think Lamar was the only one I introduced them to… but after I decided that I wanted to be serious and that there was a future with Lamar.
Thanks for your responses. I always chose to err on the side of caution when it came to my daughter. I am just very curious to hear from people who have more of a lenient approach and why. The only person I have ever heard explain was a woman who did introduce her son to her dates early and her reason was that her life revolved around him and it didn’t make sense to exclude him from that part of it. It is not the approach I took, or would take, but I could understand what she meant. I just wonder how much the children are affected by it.
Fantastic Article! I too am very protective of my daughter and have had serious issues with women who wanted to meet her before I knew that I wanted to pursue marriage with them. Knowing that for me takes a lot of time. I think they somehow believed that me allowing them to meet my daughter meant that our relationship was much further along that it really was. It is a huge red flag when someone does not understand my need as a parent to protect my daughter from additional hurt and feelings of abandonment. My daughter has only met one person that I’ve dated and that was a one time meeting. I would not consider intergrating lives until we are engaged and close to the wedding — but that’s just me…..
I have only been divorced 6 months, so I have not really jumped back into the dating scene….and I really can’t imagine it at this point because I have kids. I have a set of twin girls who are 2 and an 11 year old son. The majority of my time is dedicated to my kids and my career and very rarely do I have a babysitter if I wanted to go out. I feel the same was as Aja and the rest of the posters, I don’t want my kids to see who I may date in the future too early on. It makes no sense to have them become attached to a person for that person not to be “the one” and walk away. I don’t think kids should be consistently exposed to that.
I thought I was the only person left who does not date openly in front of my kids or family. I have been divorced 15years and the thought of rotating “boyfriends” is something I have avoided with pleasure. The idea that someone is a pedophile is always a concern, but I wonder how the child views me as a role model for their future choices of dating too. I am no saint, but my self esteem is way too high to lower myself that way. I think my boys are better off this way and I know that I am.
I am with Ms. Valerie. I have been back in single mode only for a year and a half now, but it has been a crazy relived experience. I just got out of a long term relationship. I have had friends ask, why don’t you have a boyfriend. I feel that I am a little past that stage, lol. But I basically made a decision that I don’t want to bring just anyone one around. My ex, left me at a time that seem to have been plotted, I had just gotten laid off from work; talk about perfect timing. It was a hard adjustment trying to keep my house and raise three kids, but I still am not trying to just have just anybody around. My little one is very impressionable and I don’t want her getting attached to someone that is not going to be around for long. For those whom feel like it is okay to bring people in and out of their children’s lives, I don’t know what to say. It really affects them. I know because I have worked as a counselor and am a mentor. It hurts me when my little one cries for her dad because he is not here, I can’t see exposing her to other heartaches and disappointments. My other two are teenagers so they know the game. I am currently a contract worker, doing proposals, research, working on public speaking, and blogging, public relations, etc. I have really enjoyed this article.
What is hilarious, is that I saw Kmartin’s response and thought, “How would she know my thoughts on this? I’ve not posted anything about my thoughts on “Divorced with Kids”….But apparently my “namesake” above feels very similar to me. I was married for 14.5 years, so I came into the dating very wary because the world has changed much since I last dated…but even back then I never thought it was appropriate to bring a man, that I wasn’t sure what role he would have in my life, around my son. I feel that stability is key in raising successful children, consequently I would need to know that “this man” was going to be a constant in my life, before exposing my kids to him.
If I honestly felt a man was someone I could see a future with, I would allow them to meet, in a very public setting a number of times before taking it to a permanent commitment level, to give my children a chance to know him, & to make sure that there were no “red flags”, because like it or not, we are a package deal, and I refuse to live in emotional chaos in my household in the name of Love…
I have to say I am pleased to read about how particular women are with exposing their children around a bunch of different partners. With all the negativity thrown at single mothers this was a welcome blog. I agree, I think it’s important to wait until the relationship is serious and headed somewhere before introducing them to someone new. By the time my son was 2 1/2 he had called 2 different women “friend’s” in his father’s life “mom.” When I tried to discuss this with his father he thought it was funny. I just eventually left it alone. We are responsible for our children and there is enough in this world to deal with without messing them up by running a bunch of different mates in their lives.