Dear BMWK,
Even though he would probably say otherwise, my husband rarely admits to being wrong. Even when he does admit to being wrong and apologize, it is always done in a way that makes me seem equally as wrong, meaning his wrong is only ever a result of mine. Because of this, usually at some point I will apologize either way just to keep the peace.
The other day we had an argument in which he was absolutely, positively wrong. I know that wrong can be subjective, but on this he was wrong. There is no way around it. Since that day we have been at a standoff because in this moment I refuse to apologize.
I know that the advice is that it is better to be happy than right. Most of the time this is true. But to me, constantly having to take the blame for everything feels like a problem in itself. Because he never has to fully take responsibility for being wrong the behavior that leads to the argument in the first place never changes.
At my bridal shower there was an advice box. One piece of advice that I got in the box was that most of the time, the arguments you want to have are insignificant, but that there will be moments where you have to stand your ground so if you are going to argue, make sure it’s an argument that counts. This is one of those moments for me. It may seem selfish or even childish, but I am not apologizing for our argument today, tomorrow or ever. It’s not that I have a problem swallowing my pride if I have to, but continuously doing that is what keeps leading us back to the same place. I love my husband, but him constantly thinking he is Mr. Right has me always playing Mrs. Wrong, and I just don’t feel like doing that today.
HER VIEW:
In the You Saved Me film and trailer (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzkmGkgZEg4) you can see Dwayne Buckingham make a profound statement. He talks about how a good relationship requires Compromise and Sacrifice. He says when you sacrifice you give up a part of yourself but you do it for the greater cause of the relationship. He then says Compromise is what we both want because, you get a little bit and I get a little bit. Good relationships are built on a healthy balance of both Compromise and Sacrifice. From your letter it sounds like you feel as though you’re doing all of the sacrificing and in this area of your marriage things are out of balance. I would recommend having an objective third party to talk to and to possibly give you more tools on how to deal with disagreements and conflicts.
HIS VIEW:
I agree with Ronnie’s comments above. Having a 3rd party who can objectively listen and help you work it out may be the key. I think from a man’s POV though make sure it is someone who he respects or at least respects their position or authority so it’s not a waste of time. Also be prepared for that 3rd party in the case that they do think some of the blame is yours as well. Like Dwayne Buckingham stated compromise is very important in your marriage but it has to be mutually satisfying and you can’t walk away each time feeling like you’ve been taken advantage of our it will eventually build resentment.
BMWK family, is it common for one spouse to always think they are right? What do you do if your spouse is never willing to admit to being wrong? Weigh in on the topic and let your fellow reader know what you think.
I can truly understand this article. I'm dealing with the same type of man. He always feel he is right, even when he's not and he hates being proven wrong. I stand my ground!!! I am the queen of silent treatment. I feel if one arguement (or several) can make that much of a difference in a marriage – then there needs to be a reevaluation of communication in the marriage. My spouse and I are doing that right now – reevaluating our marriage and communication.
No offense but the silent treatment seems like the most immature, anti-communication stance you could take.
I would have to agree that the silent treatment is the worst way to go. In fact, studies by John Gottman show that silent treatment and stone-walling are the next steps to eventual divorce.
Amen! If men only knew that apologizing and admitting when your wrong can shut women up! Lol And more than likely the conversation or topic will not be brought up again if this happens.
I agree. As a man I often have difficulties admitting that I'm wrong. The issue is that oftentimes, when men admit to their wrong or mistake, it is later bought back up in an argument and thrown back in his face. So we react in a protective way.
Wow…that's good to know. As a woman, my arguments do tend to be “historical.” I think there's a huge lesson that can be learned by both husbands and wives in this discussion.
My husband was the same way and still is in many ways even though we are no longer together. But what I learned is that only God can change a person. Bring him and this issue before God continually and read 1 Peter 3 Amplified version of the Bible if you have it, and pray this for yourself and your husband. When we leave things to God He will always work it out better. I found myself in many arguments unnecessarily because nothing was ever his fault, even when it was obvious to the blind that he was at fault. And his apologies which were few were the same as you described. But I found out that all my talking and/or holding out to get him to see his wrong did not work. What worked asking God for strategies to deal with him and for God to cause him to see his ways and give him a desire to change them.
I understand your frustration, who wants to always feel like they are the one making all of the effort and I do applaud you for doing that for the sake and peace of your marriage. I am wondering what type of conversation you've had with your husband expressing your feelings? What does he know about your feelings of always being the one to apologize first, even when he is wrong? I agree with what's already been said in terms of praying about the situation as well as seeking a 3rd party to mediate. But my first thought would be to have a one on one. I don't mean apologizing, but explaining to him why it is that you have been giving him the silent treatment and why you don't feel like you should apologize. Let him know how that makes you feel and let him know how you need your discussions to go in the future and have him share the same. Explain to him how you communicate and receive information best and vice versa. It sounds like you are big on accountability so let him know that. How important it is for him to take responsibility for his actions/words etc. For lots of people that is usually hard to do because they feel like once they say they were wrong, they may not hear the end of it. So that's why it's important too, to make him feel comfortable admitting he was wrong, meaning that you don't labor the point, you accept the apology and keep moving forward. Not saying that you aren't doing that already, but just in case.
excellent advice Tiya!!
I actually was blessed to have an objective 3rd party concerning this matter and we went to God's word about it. This is a pride issue all the way around. Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the Lord: though hand foin in hand, he shall not be unpunished. Proverbs 16:5 KJ.
Breakdown: Pride is the inner voice that whispers, ” My way is best”. It is resisting god's leadership and believing that we are able to live without His help. Whenever you find yourself wanting to do it your way or looking down on other people, you are ( we are ) , being controlled by pride. Only when we eliminate pride can God help us become all He meant us to be. Proverbs is direct and forceful in rejecting pride. The proud attitude heads the list of the seven things God hates(Proverbs 6: 16,17. ( New Living Translation)
Men (and women too) get so caught up in the battles that are fought outside the home that we tend to bring that armor and shield home with us. When a disagreement ensues, a person will fight with the same tenacity and zeal as if they were being challenged in the board room or on the street. They will not be wrong!
It helps at times to (calmly) in the middle of the disagreement to remind each other that “we're on the same team.” We ultimately want the same things. We are not each other's enemies. That sometimes brings us back to reality, doesn't it?
My wife and I were out one day downtown Atlanta, and trying to remember where the next train station was in walking distance. It turned out I was wrong, but I was trying to defend why I wasn't. My wife simply said, “you know you don't have to be right all the time.” It hit me like a ton of bricks that day. It doesn't matter whose wrong.
One additional statement:
If you spouse tells you that “you hardly ever apologize or say that you are wrong” believe them. Take that comment to heart. They are expressing how they feel and whether that feeling is real or imagined, you can't tell a person how to feel. You need to make a BETTER effort to meet the need to make your spouse feel like they aren't alway the only one admitting wrong. What will happen is that your lack of adjustment will pile up over time as sustained dishonor in the relationship and they will shut down on you. That silent treatment will rear its ugly, quiet, eye-rolling head. And it will not be pretty in your home.
Everyone's feelings are legitimate. Treat them as such. Your spouse is your co-laborer in this life. Make it a pleasant life, by leaving selfishness and stubbornness at the door.
Great post. Everyone is not going to be right all the time in a marriage/relationship. Not apologizing when you're wrong for some, may take a few days to process, but to admit it, and for the other spouse to hear it, does matter.
@ David Patrick. I agree that we do bring our outside(work)shield and armour home. I met a man at work last week who works hard and at the end of the day can easily get on the highway to get home in less time. He told me he drives the long way home (30 minutes)so he can unwind and not bring his job home so he can enjoy his family. That does make so much sense to me, but being my job is only 7 miuntes away if I took the long way home I would end up at the mall and be made when I got the credit card bill. LOL.
*mad, not made.
To add, I went to my daughter's Wedding Shower Saturday. It was nice,, but there was not an “advice box”. Had there been, my advice would have read, “There are 3 people in your marriage, GOD, You and Your Husband, but if you need advice, you can always call me.
Woosah! I've been there…and so has Mr. Incredible! LOL I think it's important to bring your disagreements to a conversational level…when we argue, we get very little accomplished, and we find ourselves stressed over emotional upheaval, when we could take time out to listen to one another instead.
I agree with what everyone has said about seeking a third party and doing a one on one. I also agree with humility being the #1 characteristic to employ when engaged in these types of disagreements. Do you want to make peace or a point?
Nothing wrong with standing your ground, but perhaps the way the two of you choose to discuss the issues could use some improvement. A third party and prayer will definitely help you adjust the way you talk to each other.