Dear Dr. Buckingham

I’ve been dating this guy for 2 years now. He was 53 and I was 43 when we met online. He has been married three times. The first two wives divorced him. He divorced the third wife after a year because he said that she wasn’t on his level financially. During our early conversations when we first met, he would ask me if I knew that he was older then me. He would also ask if I ever dated someone older than me. I told him yes and that the reason it didn’t work out was because the guys were immature.

We went on our first date and it was unbelievable. We had a great time and on our second date he introduced me to his son who was 18 years old at the time. Over the course of dating, he would bring up our age difference. Our first argument occurred when he thought I had a new dating site. I told him that I did not and suggested that he could contact the company if he did not believe me. He told me that he did not believe me and that God would show him my ways.

Well, to fast forward, we went on our first vacation 10 months ago. At this time he received custody of his son for a little over a year. While on vacation his son called while we were asleep. He got angry with me because I saw the call, but did not wake him up. He started to question my parenting skills. He told me that I had planted a bad seed and God will show him my ways. He mentioned the age difference again.

Our third incident took place maybe a few months after our one-year anniversary. I told him about an ex-boyfriend who lived in the same suburb because I did not want him to think I was hiding anything in case I ran into my ex. I didn’t want it to be a surprise. I also told him that my ex works for our public transportation system and I saw him on the bus while going to work. My Ex spoke to me and I said, “Hi.” I told my Ex that I was doing good and got off the bus. I told my boyfriend about the event because I did not want to have any secrets. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but he got very upset with me and said that I planted another bad seed and once again the age difference came up.

Does Age Differences Matter In a Relationship? Should I leave my boyfriend if my age is always going to be a problem? I am concerned that I have to watch what I say because I am planting bad seeds. I can’t live like this and to make matters worse I make more money than he does. Please help age issues and seed planting.

Thank you Dr. Buckingham for your help,

Dear Age Issues and Seed Planting,

Some people say that age ain’t nothing but a number. Well in your situation, you are not just dealing with an age issue. It appears that you are dealing with an insecure man who does not trust you. Insecurity and mistrust are a very bad combination for a relationship.

It is never a good idea to enter into and sustain a relationship that is filled with doubt and mistrust. Secure people do not question others without just cause. You might not be the cause, but resolved trust issues from the past might be. It is important that we do not pass judgment on others and hold them distant because of their past. However, we should learn about and pay attention to past behavior. I say this because your boyfriend has a pattern of not remaining in relationships. According to you, he has been divorced three times. It would not be to far of a jump to speculate that trusting women is probably problematic for him.

To answer your question, “It depends! Age differences are not as important as psychological stability and emotional well-being.” There are a lot of older individuals who may have life experience, but are emotionally unstable. In regards to emotional stability, women have a tendency to mature and develop at a faster pace than men. This is because women are raised to process and deal with emotional distress. Men on the other hand are not.

I have provided counseling to thousands of couples who have had significant age differences and have seen their relationships blossom. However, I have also seen age become an issue when there is a significant intellectual and developmental gap. This does not appear to be your problem. As stated before, your problem is insecurity and mistrust.

If you desire to have a peace of mind, it does not appear that you will get it in your current relationship. Your boyfriend knew your age when he met and decided to date you. Do not be blinded by the underlying issue – his insecurity and mistrust issue. I highly recommend that you attend counseling with your boyfriend if you plan to remain in the relationship. Also, remember that wisdom, emotionally stability and maturity does not always come with age.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.