by Tara Pringle Jefferson
A little while back I was fortunate to be asked to participate in a webinar for black moms. Our topic was about the plight of our brown babies and what we can do as parents to prepare them for the best life possible.
One of the other panelists, Kimberly Seals Allers (a single mom herself) responded to a question about single moms. She recently wrote a post on it and invited me to get my readers to weigh in. She writes:
“Recently, I had an epiphany.
It was actually more like a frightening realization, to be honest.
And it came to me on the television set of a BET taping, of all places. During the taping, I was sitting next to a young black male who was just singing his mama’s praises. He spoke lovingly of how she raised him as a single parent, giving tough love and setting high expectations. Then, he began to talk about how when his father left, his mother “didn’t miss a beat” and just got on with their lives. This struck me. I interrupted him gently, to remind him that that is just what he saw or what she allowed him to see, and that he didn’t know what happened to his mother when he went to sleep or when his mother was alone””she may have cried for hours.
The problem with what this young man saw, is that he was left with the impression that his father left his family and there were no consequences. No repercussions. This is dangerous thinking for our young men. And in my opinion, dangerous behavior on our part as Black women. My fear is that our Strong Black Woman Syndrome is unintentionally breaking down our families and creating a dangerous legacy.”
I found her theory refreshing and I spent the next few months thinking about it. Examples of the “Strong Black Woman Syndrome” were all around me. Friends told me that it was no big deal when their child’s father left, because they were expecting him to leave all along, that they’ve spent their whole lives planning on being single mothers. That stunned me.
Do single moms create a new generation of single moms – their strength backfiring, leaving the current generation of fatherless youth to believe that a man’s presence isn’t really necessary, since Mom does such a good job holding it down on her own?
But isn’t it a Catch-22? Don’t single moms, like all parents, want their kids to feel safe and secure knowing that they will be OK no matter what? Why make it apparent that their life is made even more complicated by Daddy’s absence? One thing I think single moms do amazingly well is their ability to shine no matter the circumstances. They do it all – because they know they have to. They let the love for their kids push them forward, doing just as much as, or sometimes more than, the moms with partners and other sources of support. They rock. Is this now one more thing they have to worry about as they try to do it all on their own?
Let me hear your thoughts on this theory: Do single moms help create more single moms by creating the “allusion” that Daddy ain’t necessary? What, in your opinion, contributes to the rise in female-headed households with no man in sight?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
lynn says
If you raise your children to believe that then; Yes! I know it is not wise to make your children aware of everything out of a need to protect them; but we should be raising kids to live in the real world.
To answer to why there are so many women raising children alone? We as women often spend hours picking out a pair of shoes, and a few minutes picking a possible father for our children. We do not protect ourselves, We make wrong choices. I have done it, I raised my son alone for 8 years. I picked a man who was not good for me, I knew it when I meet him, When I had unprotected sex with him, When I married him. But I did it anyway; The result? he left me 18 months later.
Dee says
Great question, I would love to see a survey done to address this question. Without any statistical data I can only go by my own opinions based on my own experience and anecdotal experiences. It would seem to make sense that single mothers perpetuate. Simply because the kids not being exposed to s strictly nuclear household, would seem to either intentionally or subconsciously gravitate to a non-nuclear familiaral setting. I would think this would be especially true if there are several generations of this setting within the extended family. I think also unfortunately that even though the single mothers have to be strong by necessity for simple survival, I have still seen a lot of drama associated with “Baby Daddy†(BD henceforth). I have seen that the child is in some way almost always privy to such drama, or even experience it firsthand. So even though the children may not ever see their mama cry in front of them, they still are usually quite aware of the stress that their parent is under, especially as they get older, and also they hear the drama associated with dealing with BD, or BM. I of course believe that mothers do not want their kids to feel disadvantaged, and thus I believe the “Strong Black Woman Syndrome†to be valid. I think that the question as to whether single mothers create single mothers is valid, but my gut tells me that this is only the tip of the iceberg. What I fear can be drawn from this is the utter destruction of the traditional nuclear family, as was alluded to. The divorce rate amongst Americans is at 50%. I dont know of any statistics for breakups of non-marriage relationships with kids ( would be a fascinating survey), but of course we can assume that it is much much higher. We have all seen or experienced this pattern; Relationship>not married>have a kid or 2> break up> another relationship>kid> Break up, and so on and so on. It is this pattern that concerns me just as much if not more than, the divorce scenario. I believe strongly that this pattern perpetuates, and unfortunately I fear that this is a recipe for the plight that occurs within a lot the black community. My disclaimer of course is that by no means is this every single mother. The very nature of your column is that there are strong single mothers who are making it, doing it all and doing it well. I am the product of such a household. But I think the BD and BM scenario where the household income is halved and the Single mother really struggles to hold things together and does not always succeed is prevalent as well. In this scenario we are really talking about the children of course and what thy see and thus model. Make no mistake children tend to develop their character and values based upon modeling, and thus the perpetuation of generational behavior will play a large part in the childrens make up. It would again thus stand to reason that children will see the BD, BM scenario, see all of their friends in similar situations, and think that it is the norm not the exception, which I have no evidence of, but my gut tells me is either the case or close to being the case today. The potential deleterious affects of the destruction of the nuclear family are pretty obvious, financially and also societally. So in conclusion I believe your assertion to be valid. Now what is the solution? The only thing I can think of is simple traditional core values. People get married, then have kids, then fight to stay true and not stray out of the relationship, fight to work through differences for the sake of the relationship, forgive each other , and above all put God first in the relationship. How many of us have parents and grandparents who were married for 40,50,60 years? Do you think their marriages were perfect? Hardly, they just had a commitment that they would do whatever it took to make it work and forgive each other when mistakes were made, and stay together. Can it really be just that simple? Do the children of traditional nuclear families tend to perpetuate that environment? My gut tells me yes, but I have no data to say one way or another. Either way the responsibility seems to lay with us as adults male and female to provide the best environment for our kids to model. I realize that this is not always possible, but If we do not, then how can we expect our children to do anything other than what we have done ourselves, and so on, and so on, and so on. Thanks for the post, be blessed.
spenseravery says
Thanx Lynn & Dee. With all that was said above. We just can’t deny the fact that it is hard. Temptations, Finances and plain old wants must be either put aside or compromised on almost daily. I point out to my kids to enjoy their single lives. Travel, Shop, and most of ALL get their education.
Because when you CHOOSE to get married. To make that commitment. Those sole decisions are no-longer yours alone to make. We have many Married and Single couples cohabitating while living separate lives that will always lead to divorce and separation.
Tina Fortune says
This is a great blog post! Do single moms help create more single moms by creating the “allusion†that Daddy aint necessary? What, in your opinion, contributes to the rise in female-headed households with no man in sight?
I am a Single Mom of 3 and I do not believe that single moms consciously create the “allusion” that Daddy isn’t necessary. I do believe that they make parenting alone appear to be simple, enjoyable, complete and “okay”. The reality is that single parenting is difficult, it’s a “job” with no reward (initally), no pat on the back at the end of the day…etc. I personally found that I created the allusion when my 21 year old sister had a child and used my plight as a single mom as her rationalization that she could be successful single. Whoa! There must be a pardigm shift! This is what I believe is contributing to the rise in female-headed households. We make it look to easy! Yes, we can do it, yet it’s not God’s design and certainly not the initial choice for most. Lisa Maria Carrol and I are discussing Breaking the Chains of the Generational Prison on our Blog Talk Radio Show-Single Moms and More. We will definitely be referencing your blog post.
busybodyk says
In my experience, YES. Even though my mom got married when I was 13, she was a single mother (never married to my father) in a family of single mothers (grandmother and 2 aunts). My mother eventually got married but the women in my family just did not get it. They didn’t understand why my mother “needed a man” and just had no respect for traditional relationships. Both of my aunts had children by multiple men and are in long-term relationships (one more than 20 years) with men they do not plan to marry. Their children, my cousins, are following the same example. They don’t value marriage or working to build a family unit. They don’t see it in their lives and don’t get the point of it. Sometimes I look at it as selfish but I realize that they don’t have any positive married role models. Even though my mom has been married to my stepfather for 17 years now, they see it as an anomaly because she’s a “church lady”. I didn’t have positive marriage role models in my family but I had them in other parts of my life and my mother encouraged me to have traditional values. When I got engaged and married, some family members didn’t think my wedding was a big deal. They didn’t get the point and didn’t come to support me. That’s just how they were raised….
terry@ breathing grace says
I don’t have any statistics, but if the anecdotal evidence I witnessed around me is any indication, then yes, single parents (fathers as well as mothers) definitely spur more single parents. It’s an ugly truth, but one we have to face.
When I married my husband 15 years ago, I was the only woman in my family to be married to the father of my children. I lived with a nagging doubt in the back of my mind for the first 5 years of my marriage that he was going to leave one day- it was all I’d ever seen. In my irrationality I would look for ways to “get him before he got me.”
Thank goodness we both found the Lord. And thank goodness he was raised in an intact family. Death parted his parents and he was determined that our marriage would stay together.
But the reality is that sin begets more sin. We hate to face that truth. But it is what it is.
O Solo Mama says
“What, in your opinion, contributes to the rise in female-headed households with no man in sight?”
The simple fact that it can be done.
Ronnie says
Great Post. I would agree with most of the above comments. Children learm from example and if all they see are single parents raising kids..then that is all they will know.
Single parents should make an effort to find positive examples of married couples for their kids. Marriage should be at least discussed as a very real option.
Smart Mouth says
I was a product of a single mom household, but at the tender age of 10 I will never forget the long nights my mom endured, the tears in her eyes when our lights got turned off, the disappointment in her face when she was not able to replace my clothes and shoes because bills needed to be paid. I never want my wife and daughters to experience that hurt. My mom is a trooper because she held it together as best as she could worked two sometimes three jobs. Despite all of that she apologized to me for not being home when we got out of school, for missing little league games because she was working or sleeping. I told her I never blamed her.
Joni says
I grew up with a single-mother and the distinct impression that fathers are otional. I hurt because I wanted a father in my life, but, I felt like I could not have really missed anything important because I still managed to do well in school. As long as I was a good student, I was coming along just fine and everything else was optional. I think a lot of girls come up with that mentality. The only thing you are encouraged to desire is an education so you can make your own money. I think the underlying assumption is that, you will be supporting yourself and any children you may have and this is the only thing you can be certain of. I am not sure, but I think when we daughters of single-mothers do not put forth the effort necessary to find a mate worth keeping, and then attempt to keep him. Hopefully, we can band together and teach each other this is not true, there are men willing to be husbands and fathers, and we will not stop seeking opportunities to praise and honor these men.
Happy weekend!
Anna says
busybodyk said:
In my experience, YES. Even though my mom got married when I was 13, she was a single mother (never married to my father) in a family of single mothers (grandmother and 2 aunts). My mother eventually got married but the women in my family just did not get it. They didnt understand why my mother “needed a man†and just had no respect for traditional relationships. Both of my aunts had children by multiple men and are in long-term relationships (one more than 20 years) with men they do not plan to marry. Their children, my cousins, are following the same example. They dont value marriage or working to build a family unit. They dont see it in their lives and dont get the point of it. Sometimes I look at it as selfish but I realize that they dont have any positive married role models. Even though my mom has been married to my stepfather for 17 years now, they see it as an anomaly because shes a “church ladyâ€. I didnt have positive marriage role models in my family but I had them in other parts of my life and my mother encouraged me to have traditional values. When I got engaged and married, some family members didnt think my wedding was a big deal. They didnt get the point and didnt come to support me. Thats just how they were raised….
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It’s not nessarily how they were raised but lack of realizing the importance of marriage and it’s symbolism. My husband has 3 living siblings, besides my hubby only one of his siblings was married(she was still married to her husband when he died)I have been married for over 12 yrs and never met my sister-in-laws husband, they were not together when hubby and I met, they just never bothered getting a divorce. My sister-in-laws all have more than 3 kids and so do their grown kids, none are married, which does surprise me because my mother and father-in-law just celebrated 51 yrs of marriage, they still go to church together and sit in the front row. A woman who says she does not need a man is only fooling herself. Either (A) she is too bossy and a man is not going to put up with nonsense or (B) her kids are too out of control for the man to stick around. A husband in the household is to be the head of the household and treated as such. A husband is to provide and protect. I know that divorce or death happens thereby leaving women husbandless but a single mother raising kids does not and should not think that a man is not needed in rearing kids. I did not raise my kids by myself, they have their dad, my hubby, my dad, my brohter, and all the uncles and cousins on their dads side. My 24 yr. old is engaged but knows that a man /husband is not a guarantee, she will get her degree before she marries. My sis has 2 sons a grandbaby and just got married 4 months ago. Our parents were married until death. My dad never remarried,(that was 31 yrs ago) Our lives could have been different having a stepmom. A woman can’t raise a boy to be a man any more than a man can raise a daughter to be a woman. We had aunties, older sisters and grandmothers(and neighborhood moms) in our lives to help dad raise us. A permanet female role model in our househod would have made a difference. You can’t buy self esteem and security. I think in a two parent household, as long as it’s not a fighting household that it does matter for the sake of the child(ren) to have two (married) role models. Why does our black community look at marriage as a bad thing but will lay down with anything and have countless kids born without marriage? I have 3 kids with my ex and we were “common law” married. My sons gf is pregnant and I don’t stress them to get married, although they live together. What a double standard. My daugher has no kids, she and her fiance’ live in seperate apts but my son has a baby on the way and shacking up and I am ok with both situations. It is what it is and I like being married. There is a benefit to marriage, not just a moral one. I can’t live my kids lives. I just hope that waht I do/did made a difference.
doris says
Single mothers is the bane of Black America’s existence. Black women have bought into the myth that we don’t need to be married to have children. In the case of rasing a child or children on our own is or never was what our fate was supposed to be. To understand our situation be have to remember our past. In slavery our children were nver “Our children” as African slaves brought to America we ourself were property. The master could rape women, have a child with said woman and sell the child if so pleased. The right of marriage and family was not a right. Many women had t0 raise other women’s children is addtion to the master’s own white children. If African slave men wanted to stay with the family was never his option. In all these struggles, African slaves had to makes a family only as allowed. Today we just the broom as a symbol of our ancestors. Many people don’t know that this ritual was the only componet of marriage these slaves couple were allowed by the master, and master’s never reconzied or honored this cermony for slaves. In slavery men were taught they would never be the head of their family, he could be sold at any point and never be allowed to see his family again. The women who were allowed to keep their children, when to extraordinary measures to make sure their children were kept alive and not sold way.
It’s difficult to break old habits, as today we as a peole still accept and continue to live as if we are still in slavery. Many Black women claim not to want marriage, or need a man to have children. The question we must ask ourselves is,” What does the child want? Will our daughters want a father to love and guide her? Who will teach the son about being a true man,not someone rules by his sexual habits?
I believe the disconnect and the actions our of present generation is a reflection of negative ideas of their mothers or fathers, or the lack thereof. There is something to be said of marriage, 2 loving,caring and involved parents. there is some validity to the nuclear family. There is something to a child seeing a man and a woman in love and committed to one aonther and to the family. The super woman never existed, the strong woman wanted to be weaks sometimes, the single mother wants a partner who loves her and cares for her and her children. Black women deserve love, marriage and family, it time we started rejecting that super single mother persona.
Too many of us are confused about our life status and we’re passing it on to the next generation and truly, it’s not working.
Anna says
@ Doris, that was a great comment, nothihg but the truth.
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Too many of us are confused about our life status and were passing it on to the next generation and truly, its not working.
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Anna says
Do Single Moms Create More Single Moms?
~~~~~~~~~
We feed off of each others comments and I did not answer the posted question.
Single moms are single for many reasons. No single mom would want their daughters to be a single parent, unless the man in their life is a low life, self absorbing SOB. Most kids keep it real and will introduce you to a real mate. In my day, you did not bring home anything your parents did not apporve of. My kids have brought home few that I did not approve of, but I never told them that, until they broke up with them. It’s not my life but their life and I have lived long enough to know that kids love to rebel. If I would have told my kids that I don’t like such and such they most likely would have married that such and such. LOL. Single moms don’t want their kids to be single parents. My brother always said that his sisters “sure could pick them”. Halle Berry said it best when she said” If there was a loser in the room, she fell for him. My only brother washes the cars, cooks, gases up the cars and Harleys and cleans the home “white mans land”. My sis is law does not have to want for anything but good health.. Our mom was white but 4/5 of us married black. The darkest sibling in the family married not one but two white men.
T. Rogers says
Do single mothers create more single mothers? Of course they do. There is no question about that.
In many ways single mothers are teaching their daughters how to be single. Married, two parent homes are no longer the norm in our communities. Our kids see this. They internalize it. They more often than not repeat it. We all know that.
And as the original post demonstrated single motherhood often sends the message to the boys that men are not necessary for the family to thrive. IMO, this is what happens when we over-praise single mothers. We act like they can do anything. Our kids end up believing it. So the sons see no problem with taking off when they father kids. And the daughters see no problem with having out of wedlock kids.
Question: When young boys see mom do it all by herself and believe daddy was never needed what does that do to his perception of himself when he becomes a man? Think about that for a moment. It is NEVER a good thing when boys are led to believe men are not neccesary. Why? Because sons of single mothers become men, and a good percentage of them end up with issues regarding manhood and the role of men in general.
I remember being a friends house when he had a lot of family members over once. A 19 year old cousin of his informed him and some other family members that she was pregnant. An aunt of hers, single 30+ years old with three kids, threw her arms around the newly pregnant niece and told her she was proud of her. My mouth almost hit the floor! Is being 19 and pregnant with no husband actually an accomplishment? Many of our young sisters think so. And that notion did not appear out of thin air. And, yes, this young woman’s mother was a single mom herself.
Black people, we need to wake up.
VEe! says
This was a very interesting post and comments. I have very little to add but small notes. @T. Rogers really nailed it succinctly and I hear and see what @busybodyk commented on very often.
I always thought the whole Strong Black Woman (SBW) posturing was kind of foolish and an exaggerated expectation. Why? Well, everybody doesn’t run at the same speed. Everybody will not become queens and kings or the Obamas. Many female writers already addressed the SBW issue, so I’ll just recommend this book, “When Chickenheads Comes Home to Roost,” by Joan Morgan.
“Friends told me that it was no big deal when their childs father left, because they were expecting him to leave all along, that theyve spent their whole lives planning on being single mothers.”
That statement is very alarming about the choices people make and the direction the family unit is headed.
Question, anybody here beginning to witness very young grandmothers? I know of two recent single mothers under 40 becoming grandmothers. Their daughters are under 20.
T. Rogers says
Question, anybody here beginning to witness very young grandmothers?
@VEe!,
My wife and I were talking about this very same thing the other day. When grandparents get younger and younger can they still have that sage wisdom we have come to expect and need from them? Is there a cycle of life, or level of growth and understanding being lost when parents are too close in age to their children? I’m not sure.
It is like there is no longer much difference between the generations. Some women with teenage daughters are trying to keep with their daughters. When I coached 12 and 13 year old boys in basketball the fathers that did show up were in their late 20s and early 30s and dressed like teenagers. If the mothers and fathers are dressing and communicating like kids then what the heck are these kids supposed to aspire to?
I know that was off topic, but I just wanted to address your question.
Kemi Olunloyo (Editor Celebrity Single Moms) says
I don’t think so. You cannot “create” a single mom. It happens thru life’s trials. Domestic violence, deadbeat fathers, infidelity etc. Take a look at all the bad things that Kate Gosselin said about Octomom on Larry King in February 2009. Look at Kate now….Visit my blog and FB page.
Designs Delight says
This is a very well original question, some whould stay clear of this question because then it is also politically incorrect.
Joni Murray says
we are not here to be politically correct, I am not a politician and my livihood does not depend on a constituency liking me. Our community needs to open up and accept that we have deeply rooted issues caused by our legacy of slavery and our inability to mobilize, come together, and find a solution to the problem. When a slave father has to watch his wife and children being sold and is powerless to protect his family, his GOD GIVEN DUTY AND PURPOSE…nothing but disaster can follow. We are living the effects of this legacy now, the men lost confidence in themselves and believing that they are powerless to protect the family, they have stopped trying. Single mothers are the new slave owners. We look our men in the eye, who we need to become pregnant, and we say, “I don’t need your sorry ass!” I have heard this so many times from the women in my generation…I have also gotten advice from my friends to have an abortion because the man will never be there for you and if you have a child you will have to raise him alone, married or not. I have heard men say, “If you want to have children, you should expect to raise them alone.” I cry for our community and I pray that we understand the importance of changing this faulty thinking.
We need support in the community to prevent women from becoming pregnant before they reach their educational goals. We need young ladies to understand that a child needs two parents and if you want to have children you should plan on a husband. We need to get together and reach ou tin the community and hold our daughters and give them the love they are seeking in the beds of their peers and other men with slick lines and no intentions of keeping her in a honorable state. We need to make it uncool to have kids out of wedlock again, that will be hard thanks to people like Halle Berry saying they do not want to marry but they ant to have children. Lil Wayne is running around impregnating everything he touches and these women are stars, wealthy and do not need his child support…what is really going on??? Angelina Jolie adopting and having a tribe out of wedlock. Marriage is becoming irrelevant and all about the wedding. Marriage is no longer about building a stable family unit to raise children, it is a wedding day for a spoiled woman who may divorce before the year is out. My friend married a wonderful black man who supports her the way he should and cherishes her like his queen, but less than a month after her wedding, she is telling me she thinks she wants a divorce. This is the most damaging thing we can do as women to the mental health of our men. You put your hand out there when he asked you if he could be your special someone, you stood before his entire family and your crazy clan too and took an oath to love and CHERISH one another forever until you die, and befoer you finish sending out thank you cards, you throw grenades at your husband with the word divorce? This is UNEXCUSEABLE. We have to do better sisters. I fear the attitude my son will be exposed to if this keeps up.
Katina Amoah says
How long will the black man blame slavery for how he treats his woman/wife? How long will the black woman continue to allow such ill treatment to herself? I believe that some marriages are toxic and can be more damaging to children than a divorce. How many adults are messed up today because mommy and daddy stayed together and mommy and daddy were fighting or cheating? How many married couples are sleeping in different rooms and not speaking to each other? How many children are witnessing this? Some marriages just don’t work out and that’s a fact. Lil Wayne, Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry and all the other ones are not the real problems. Society is just sick and getting sicker as the days go by.
I am a woman and I realize that I cannot sit around and wait for the black man to get his act together. I love the black man and I love all things black. However, must I put my life on hold, put up with his ignorance and his inability to feel confident and secure? I believe women are finally starting to realize that what they need is inside of them and having a man compliments them. I am tired of giving, understanding and putting up with. When will someone give to me, understand me and put up with me?
Do I stand for or advocate babies being born to unwed women and men? No, I dont! Both parties, male and female must do their part in correcting this mess. However, what Ive found is that in most cases only one party is working to make things better and thus things continue to be out of balance. What WOMEN must do is work on loving, bettering and treating ourselves and our children right.We must stop putting up with and accepting anything.
Women must also redefine the role of a woman. It the past women have been defined by being weak, submissive, second class, less than there male counterparts and sex toys for men. I am teaching my daughters that they dont have to act lower than a man to make him feel good or feel like a man. They can speak up and defend themselves and they are more than their looks and their bodies. They are powerful beyond measure and they should use their power to make the world and their lives better.
Hey, if you’ve made a mistake and you have children out of wedlock, or if you are divorced and raising your children alone, you are not the first and you will not be the last. Learn from your experience and move on. Work to make your life better and don’t sell yourself cheap. Yes, you can! Life happens and we love you!
K. Amoah
SpenserAvery says
@Katina Amoah ~~my daughter feels the same way that you do. I don’t. But she does. We have been reading this post together. As a FAMILY. The following is an email response that she sent me:
“”””They are going IN on this topic! Like I feel some type of way but I dont even know how to put in into words and that whole ‘because of slavery men dont know how to care for their families is CRAP!’ Every kid on the corner “hustling†does NOT even know or care to learn about his history so she needs to stop right there. Did she even mention if she was married??? (@Joni Murray)
Ugh … I cant stand females seriously ; at the end of the day it has NOTHING to do with society its self esteem PERIOD.””””
While my wife & I have tried to raise our now 21yr daughter to have self esteem. About herself, the job she performs and getting her education. The simple fact is. When she is out of our sight. In the club or out on a date. If there is NO underlying ((SELF CONTROL)), then yes mistakes will happen. I would rather not refer to our young out of wedlock children as Mistakes. Not every birth is planned. Married or not.
I try to appreciate when a teaching moment occurs. I think that these postings are exactly that. The hardest thing that I have found to do since having my children is to Practice-what-I-Preach. My single mother raised two sons. I did not want that for my kids and 26yrs later. I’m still working VERY hard to keep it that way.
Katina Amoah says
@ SpenserAvery:
My children, your children and all the other children on the face of this earth are not mistakes.
As parents we are human and a large percentage of the time we are not going to measure up to everything we teach our children. How can we? It’s not possible. I try to practice what I preach, but there are times when I fail miserably and when I fail I always sit my children down and talk to them. Ive learned to allow room for error and Ive learned to forgive myself. I AINT PERFECT.
I believe what we are facing goes far beyond self-esteem. What we are facing is a spiritual problem and Im not talking about religion. Yes, we all need to have a positive self-esteem, but even then things are still out of whack. People are trying to figure out why they are here, why do they exist and what part they have to play in this story called life. One thing is for sure; black people dont know who they are. There is more to us than just the color of our skin, the way we dance, how big our butts or penises are, how well we play basketball and so forth and so on…Its a fact that slavery has damaged us and we still feel the sting of slaveries poison in our relationships, but we cant continue to allow this mentality to keep us stuck in a rut. I dont have the answers, but one thing I can do is work on myself and do my best to raise four strong black women and a strong black man.
Peace & Blessings,
K. Amoah
alethea j brown says
This is great. It can absolutely be a poowerful truth. The young boy and girl being taught unconsciously that is is okay to live and thrive alone, in the home of their single parent. So they continue in life not even knowing why they are so comfortable as a single, and continue to send this message throughout generations.
Marjorie Bostwick says
I think the answer is yes and no. I was a single mom for 10 yrs. My daughter is now 17 and has says she does not want to get married, because of how she sees my marriage, but she wants to be a mother. I am committed to my marriage even through there are hard times that you can’t hide from your kids.
When I was a single mom, I could not always hide my fear or stress (although I did my best). So I think it is the picture you show your children that will make an impression on them or others around you.
Marjorie Bostwick
The Right Mentor.com
acoustic bohemian says
Do Single Moms Create single moms? Sure but that’s just by chance. Bad decisions create single mothers AND fathers. The question is a little one sided. I’m married, have been for many years and married when I was young. We married for pure love and commitment which is why we are together today. We don’t cheat on each other (no really), we don’t yell or talk ‘cross’ to one another. We tell each other every day (every day) ‘I love you’. Our children see us hug and kiss every day.
What I see missing most in Black couples is commitment. How easy it is to lie to one another, curse one another, disrespect one another. This breaks up families.
Just recently in the news Kandi (one of the Desperate Housewives)lost her fiance in violence stemming from infidelity, lies, cheating. The moral compass is as low as it gets in our community. My husband and I know few happy married black couples, most of them have cheated and broken up long ago.
What makes the children suffer is the arguing and the disrespect – not necessarily the end of a marriage. Arguing hurts children and teaches them how to treat people.
What worries me most is this affect on children – growing up arguing, not trusting, lying. I have heard boys as young as nine say how ‘fine’ a grown woman is and brag about having more than one girlfriend – at NINE!
I’ve heard women – angry and unhappy with men talk to their daughters about how not to let a man ‘have what he want’, don’t let them haters get you down…just a negativity that worries me.
I’ve heard boys as old as 13 say how they don ‘t want a black girlfriend – they are loud, mean and in his words “have blue hair, now who wants a girl with blue hair!?”. My son asked me if it was okay to marry a girl that was not his color. My daughter has a hard time being friends with black girls sometimes because they are ‘mean and bossy’….
that worries me most. We’re raising our children to be positive, well rounded and empathetic but so few of us are that I wonder who they will marry???
I’d say to black women, don’t put the negativity you feel towards men off on your kids (if you’re on the phone talking they hear you, if you are in the car screaming at someone who cut you off they hear you) – take it OUT of your language.
I don’t use the word ‘hater’. It’s negative. It’s accusatory. These people are hurting not hating. Don’t use it.
Don’t argue with one another, take the curse words out of your language, look at the Atlanta Housewives and learn a lesson. Men don’t find this attractive and it’s not acceptable behavior. Nene is the angriest wealthy woman I’ve ever seen, why all the anger? She’s used to it, it’s all she knows, everyone is a ‘hater’ in her eyes. It’s so easy to be jealous of one another. Take those thoughts out of your head. Don’t let your kids watch this show, it’s negative – the kids see these people as themselves, they have the same color shoot they probably have an Auntie like NeNe. I definitely do. I can barely watch the show any more it’s so negative.
Talk to your kids. Leave the clubs and the happy hours for people that don’t have responsibilities. I say this to single mothers, married people, and single men. You won’t find anyone in them anyway. Don’t waist your time. Instead, movie nights, have the girls overs with their children, keep the focus on the kids. Do the other stuff OCCASIONALLY.
My husband and I don’t go out unless we go together or will meet there. Those days are over and so what. This past Friday I picked up my kids from school, surprised them with a trip to the store told them it was movie night. We made homemade pizza, my husband video taped and we had a wonderful time. That is what life is about.
I could go on and on, remember you are raising future husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, we need the best. Thanks for reading.
acoustic bohemian says
@ Tina Fortune
I think women speak and act as if it’s easy. As if they can do it alone. In the bed at night I expect there are some heavy hearts. It can be done alone because sometimes that’s how it has to be but kids need both parents. There are times when I say to my husband…please go talk to her, I can’t I need a break. Single women don’t have that option. Sometimes my husband will bring home dinner so I don’t have to cook…again when you’re single that’s not an option. The burden is on one person. When our kids were infants we took turns getting up at night – one night on , one night off…whew what a relief those off nights were for both of us.
Just because a person says and behaves in front of others that everything is A-Okay doesn’t make it so. That is more ‘strong black woman’ posturing.
Joni Murray says
You can be tired of the legacy of slavery all you want but it is reality. I am certainly generalizing and no I am not married, but I know I have almost NO SUPPORT from MY COMMUNITY to help me strengthen the bond in my relationship and complete my family unit, when I am motivated to do so.
The single mothers I come across want me to be a single mother too. That is all there is to it. “You don’t need him!” I am not like that and I will not put on some strong black woman front to keep people from knowing that I have pain over the issue.
If you want a black man, you should be able to have one. I offer my opinion only to show that I understand there is more feeding into this predicament than we care to admit. The legacy of slavery is real…how many of us can say what part of Africa we are from? How can you have pride in yourself and your culture when you have no idea who you are??? I give examples of celebrities making decisions to be single mothers because they are role models and we all know people model themselves after these individuals. This is fact, you don’t have to like it. No, celebrities are not the problem, but they are certainly an indicator that the moral code has gone awry when it is deemed completely acceptable to have children out of wedlock with whomever you please. Maybe marriage is irrelevant in the current society and I certainly do NOT want people who are not good for each other getting married an torturing their children with the nonsense, but when you are didicated to your relationship and facing the problems together, there is hardly a support system out there. Lots of support for single mothers, AND LORD KNOW THEY NEED IT, I would NEVER begrudge a woman support she needs but may I please have some support too?
Joni Murray says
I should add that maybe we as women are too quick to write our sons and brothers off as unsalvagable and as women we can maybe restore some of the confidence into our men, they are OUR men, our sons and fathers and uncles and brothers. I am not willing to say, ” I have no hope for black men, I am going to start looking for love with another race of man.” I am attracted to and excited by black men in a way that just cannot compare to any other. His hair, his muscles, the lines in his forehead, his struggle is my own. I love him and will not abandon him even in the face of his angry commentary. Why would he ever come back to me if I leave him now when he really needs me?
We are so powerful as women yes but our power is more than we can imagine. I believe we women have the power to turn our men around, we have to educate our daughters, if u want children you need a husband. My mother is a single mother to 3 children. In each case I suspect she believed pregnancy would lead to marriage. We never talked about men and relationships. No open communication about men and hurt, how she got into her situations. When I ask her, she gets very mad at me and refuses to talk openly and honestly. I long for advice from someone who has been there and loves me enough to tell it like it is.
I laid down with a man who was not my husband, I took a risk and I am responsible for the consequences. I pray daily that God will give me the strength to not make mountains out of molehills and see this commitment through to the end. I believe he will reward my efforts because we are good people and we love our son and each other very much.
I talk to my little sister (14) DAILY about how important it is for her to finish her education before she becomes seriously involved with a man. Women can be easily sidetracked by a man and his desires. She will never be able to say she had no idea. I tell her because I love her dearly and I know she has a lot to do with her life. I tell her she has not been alive long enough to know what she needs in a man. I tell her to find herself and discover herpurpose because we have a greater purpose than being wives and mothers. At the same time, I tell her, there is nothing wrong with her desire to have a man in her life and wives and mothers are the most beautiful necessary creatures on Earth. I tell her because I love her and I want her to find a good man if she wants to have children so she does not have to worry about her child’s stability. Two GOOD parents are better than one. If we do this for our daughters, they will have different lives than we had, I promise.
If these men were only able to look at all we black women put ourselves through to keep him in our life and keep him as the father of our children, he would take pride in that and act accordingly, but we have not been able to make him see, so we continue to suffer, all of us.
Abandon the men if you would like, deny slavery’s influence, continue to live in denial and maybe the issues will take care of themself. Who knows? It is the 21st century, maybe children do not need both of their parents anymore…
Miss P says
Wow this is a very interesting topic. I am really thinking about this because I am a single (as in not married) mother myself, but my children’s father and I live together, and have been for the past 4 years or so. I still want to be married, and I am going to make that my prayer. The fact is I could not imagine raising my kids without their father, he’s a great dad. But if I had to do it over, I would have made sure I was married before the children came along. I don’t want my son and daughter making the same mistakes I made in this relationship. Marriage is still important to me.
Ms. No Single Mama Drama says
Yes, no and it depends.
Yes, some women will–consciously or unconsciously–follow in their mothers footsteps. Others will do everything in their power not do be like their mothers. And, life will “happen” to others, who never intended on being a single parent, such as the death of their mate.
I grew up the first daughter to a single mother. My mother unknowingly encouraged manlessness. My mother can and STIL does everything – without a man. To this day, she still thinks that men are expendable and not necessary. While I’m a single mother and almost an empty nester in my 30s, I think my mother influenced how I viewed men early on. Now, that I’m older, however, I now value relationships and look forward to one day being married.