During my maternity leave, I discovered two things: One, I’ll miss my kids when I go back to work. Two, there is no way I could be a stay-at-home mom.
Don’t those two emotions conflict? Yeah, I guess they do. But as much as I love my kids, as much as I want to be the one who feeds them and plays with them everyday, the reality is Mommy has to go to work. With half-pay during my three-month leave, we had to dig deep into our savings (Thank goodness I purposefully saved a bundle before I went on leave just for that reason).
I don’t see how we could manage with just one income. True, we’d save a boatload of money by not worrying about childcare, but still. With the way the economy is, and the price of everything skyrocketing, I like the idea of a two-income family, if for no other reason than to make me feel more secure about being able to provide for my kids.
But historically, haven’t black women always worked outside the home? Isn’t this a cultural thing? Isn’t this just what we (black women) do? Give our all in all areas of our lives?
Truthfully, I didn’t even know being a stay-at-home mom was an option. When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I told my boss and she asked if I was planning to come back to work after he was born. I looked at her with a confused look on my face. “Why wouldn’t I come back?” I thought to myself.
Then I realized. Some women (who are fortunate enough to have the means financially) say Adios to the working world once their children are born. I’ve never even considered it. I didn’t know I could. (Why didn’t anyone tell me?!)
If my husband made enough money to support us (and keep us in the lifestyle we’re accustomed to ““ ahem), then I probably would stay home, at least for a little while. These early formative years are so important.
What do you think BMWK readers? Should women stay home? Is it better for the kids? Harder on the wallet? Share your experiences.
Dantresomi says
When my wife and I decided to get married, we both agreed that SOMEONE should stay home. We decided that it would be best that my wife stayed home. AND she became a Mocha Mom (5 years straight!). At first it wasn’t that bad. We had two children, one from a previous relationship. It was okay with one income. Then we had another son. THings got a little tight. Then we had another one. Things got tighter. But in the end it was worth it.
I wrote a piece about the myth of the Nuclear family,
https://selfra.blogspot.com/2008/07/myth-of-nuclear-family-omis-note-i.html
in non white (and even white) lower to middle class families around the world, there has never really been a nuclear family. Instead their have been households filled with members of the extended family. So before the idea of day care, most homes were filled with mommies, daddies, grandparents, and sometimes aunts, uncles, and cousins.
in the late 20th and early 21st century, people of color began to make more money. If one notices, most mocha mom chapters are filled with professional women with all kinds of degrees with all kinds of jobs who are also married to professionals who decided to stay at home.
I think if you can do it, do it. We highly recommend it. Even I stayed a home for six months and loved every second of it.
Dantresomis last blog post..
Linda says
I left work last September when my husband and
I found out that we were expectting a third child. His salary was almost five times more than mine’s. Besides, the my salary went to daycare, buying clothes for my job as a paralegal and transportation cost (driving or taking Metro from Bowie, MD to upper Connecticut Avenue, DC).
I love beng at home with my kids. I have lost contact with some of my friends who are single parents and work, but I doing what I think is best for my family.
SingLikeSassy says
My mom stayed at home with me until I went to kindergarten and I always assumed I would do the same if I had children. We have discussed it and agreed we would do what we had to do to make that an option if we get pregnant. I am more than willing to scale back our life if it means creating a better and more nurturing environment for our kid.
Now, in theory that’s great, but I wouldn’t quit my job until I had spent some time at home with our kid as I may not be suited to the SAHM life.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
All great comments. I didn’t mention in the post that my mom stayed home for a while with us (myself and two sisters) and we do remember that time period fondly.
So maybe, if one of us gets a raise or something…. 🙂
Tara
https://theyoungmommylife.com
Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Weekly inspiration: Accepting and fixing your flaws
Anonymous says
i am sixty years old and black. i do not ever remember my mother not working. i even remember my grandmother working also, but it was always relatives or neighbors on our street that looked after us. i think that is where it takes a village came from. even when our mom and dad was home and we went outside to play and you got into trouble who ever saw you neighbor or family they would whip your behind all the way back to your house. things are so different now, even though my mom worked i never felt sad and i know that she would have loved to have been home with us but back then she was the bread winner. but i ran into a new class of mothers that i really adored, they were in their late thirtys and early fortys who had careers and waited to have their kids and then they stayed home, they planned everything and they were equipted with everything. play dates, pick up times you name it they did it, the funny part was the bad kids, it was like the mothers may have been in control in the board roooms but the kids called the shots now. just because you have to work is not saying that you are a good or bad parent, it is what you do when you are home with your kids that matters. i worked when i had my kids but i was blessed because for the last sixteen years i have been able to babysit most of my eleven grandchildren.
conseula says
In discussions like these we always talk about the financial considerations, but what about the personal considerations? I *love* my job and missed it when I was maternity leave. Apart from losing the majority of the income in my family, staying home with my children would mean giving up a huge part of my life.
conseulas last blog post..Kwanzaa with the Afrogeeks
Tammy Barbour says
Yes, you are right!!!! You may need intellectual stimulation. Not just for your brain and to stay on top of changes in your field, but just for your sense of self. Its not a bad idea to use your work skills to volunteer at the PTA or other civic organizations you may not have had time before. Its important to take a class or exercise, whatever so that personally you haven’t LOST yourself in being a SAHM, its too easy to do this. And the results to not keeping a sense of self identity can be severe… even leading to gasp, depression and alcoholism. Decide how you are going to maintain YOU. If you think about these things first, as you are doing, you can prevent those side effects and reap the benefits.
Lauren says
You might want to read a very informative book called “your money or your life” by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin. It was written about 20 years ago, and the lessons are still correct today. They have an interesting perspective on what it costs to be a working parent, and really how little has to be given up in order to afford one parent to be a full time parent. It is remarkable how much it costs to go to work – not just commuting, clothes, food, gifts, taxes, but how little it takes in reducing expenses to give yourself the chance to spend time with your children. I highly recommend it.
Kelly says
The mommy wars definitely exist in the Black community. They are most prevalent in the upper middle class community. I chose to work because I had my first child in law school. I can’t help but think of all of the sacrifices I made to have a husband and kid while studying. I can’t imagine putting all of that to the side to stay home. I think it’s wonderful for moms who choose to do so, but I also have career goals, just as my husband does. Whether it’s good or bad, I have many conversations with my working friends about how much financial independence you give up when you stay home. I like knowing that I can always take care of myself and kids if anything happened. Some days I get tired and dream of staying home, but then I just think of playing tennis all day, not actually making lunches. It’s a luxury to even consider staying home, but I like my financial and emotional freedom.
LaKeysha says
I never considered staying home until I actually had my baby and had to go back to work. I think that you definately miss out on a lot when you are absent from your child for 8+ hours a day. And then coming home after work is not just relaxing time with them. Its also cooking, cleaning, washing a load of clothes etc… so even then the baby does not get undivided attention. On the other hand. My mom raised me to be independant because she found herself in the same position of so many AA women, unexpectedly being a single mom. In her quest to prepare me for life she spent a ton on private school and I spent years of hard work and money in undergrad and then grad school. So for me it would also be difficult to have worked that hard and be in that much debt and not use the skills I sacrificed to get.
There is also the problem that there are very few jobs that pay what they did back in the day. My grandfather stopped school in the 8th grade and he was bringing in about $75,000/yr working in the steel mills (with a wife, seven kids, was a homeowner and had two cars). Jobs like that are non-existant today and so most cannot afford to maintain a lifestyle such as that on one income.
My perfect soluton: Start my own consulting business so that when I have another baby I can take as much time off as I want and work from home when I choose. (All of this of course while my husband is making enough money to cover the bills and savings).
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@LaKeysha – That sounds like a perfect solution. I would like to cut back my hours by the time my kids are in school (so I have three years) but I also want to make sure our finances are right. My hubby is in higher education, so his salary is nice, but I know we would miss being a two-income family. Also, I like the satisfaction I get from working. Does that make me a bad mommy? Nope.
Tara
https://theyoungmommylife.com
TheMom says
I work from home a lot..so it is kind of like a combination of working and staying at home. However my kids still go to school and the younger ones go to daycare. But they don’t have to spend extended amounts of time there (like before school and after school programs.) I am home when they leave and and I am here when they get off of the bus. And ocassionally I am able to steal a few minutes to attend a school activity or field trip during the day.
However to be honest, I would like to go into the office a little more often. I need that social interaction with my co-workers and other working adults. But on the other hand, I am happy to be here with the kids too. It’s a delicate balancing act.
I don’t think I want to be a full time stay at home mom..but I am have blessed to be here with the kids for the last six years as a work from home mom.
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TheMom says
@Tara – I feel the same as you …. I like the satisfaction I get from working. I don’t think that makes you a bad mom..but if you are like me….i have some guilt for feeling this way.
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Mrs. W says
i am a stay-at-mom with a two year old and two more on the way. i never imagined i would be until i had my daughter. i had a flexible job so the plan was to work from home to days and go into the office two days per week. but once she got here, i couldn’t part! my husband immediately noticed the benefit of me being home, knowing she’s safe (we trust NO ONE), and he got a part-time job just to add to his already decent salary. now that she’s 2, we definitely see the benefit. the one-on-one time we have has helped her mind to excel leaps and bounds. most people think she’s 3 because of her vocab and things she knows.
we’ve cut out a lot of the “bad” behavior kids pick up from one another until she’s old enough to better understand not to imitate such things. sickness is down cuz kids pass germs like they do toys. she does however, have her social circle and activities that she participates in under my supervision. so its not like its just her and i at all times. i understand kids needing to socialize, which she does, but these years are so important and she’s like a sponge. i just want to pour in as much as i can before the outside world starts to attempt to pick it away. when my children are of school age (pre-school/kindegarten), i will go back to work. i just want more time to help strengthen their foundation before sending them out in the world. i couldn’t stay at home forever tho. besides, my income alone would go directly to day-care for our 3 kids…whats the point?
Deborah says
I have two daughters, both professional women, whom I educated at great sacrifice to my own retirement and I would feel so blessed if they are able to marry and stay home with their children when they are babies. The African American women who were able to be full-time mothers by choice were held in high esteem by many of us. I had one friend who was able to accomplish this and I always felt her daughters had an inner security that came from the nurturing she was able to provide.
Rock City Roots says
LaKeysha: You gave the perfect solution indeed. My wife has her own Consulting business (well a Virtual Assistant) and stays at home with our children. She can basically work from anywhere with an Internet connection. This happened accidently and it’s been a blessing. Then I work 4 tens and every other week I get a 4 day week end so I spend a lot of time with the children and my wife gets a break.
I would say to any two parent home let one parent stay home with the children until they are school aged be it mom or dad.
Kim says
I believe that my children (ages 14,11,8,3) have benefitted from the daycares they attended. Each daycare was carefully chosen and I was involved extensively. I have become friends with all of the women who cared for my children and continue to maintain contact with them, though I only have one in daycare at this time. My children have done well in daycare and have advanced socially, educationally and emotionally.
I work about 30 hours per week and go to school and spend time with each of my children and my husband on a daily basis (for the most part some days I have to study :)). My husband and I know their friends and the details of their lives. They are wonderful fascinating little people and I would sacrifice everything for them and their well being, which is one reason why I continue to work.
As someone mentioned before, financial freedom is a big deal. I like to have the financial freedom that things like karate, cheerleading, gymnastics and music require. We could survive on one salary, but we would not be able to enjoy many of the things that we enjoy now. This may sound a little superficial and in some ways it may be, but for us it’s not. My family and I spend huge amounts of time with each other and (most of) that time is enjoyeable. I also know that some of this enjoyment of life comes from not having to worry about bills or other financial matters.
I think that it all comes down to balance. You have to have a balance in life that works for you or no matter what your working situation or financial situation is, life will not work for you.
execumama says
There is no right or wrong answer. It truly depends on what works best for your particular spirit, level of patience, and desires. If you can manage to release the guilt from being at work while your child is in daycare, then DO IT. I toiled over this very subject for so long, that I gave in and wrote a book about it, and it was such a cathartic experience. Do what works best for you, Mommies! Just be sure to make time to spend awake time w/ your young ones and make sure they know who you are and just how much you love them — your children will thank you for it.
execumamas last blog post..2009: Exploring the God Within
ericka says
this is always a hard topic as it is quite personal to what you are willing to adjust to, and the reasons behind it. I am a stay at home mom of 1 and one on the way, we homeschool, and I also work from home running 4 blogs and a soon to be arts/craft business. I could not imagine not staying at home with my kids in these times..sometimes, in my opinion, it is worth sacrificing the american standard of two incomes(that is working outside of the home), because in my opinion the schools are filled with so many children who are very angry and not understood. we see it all the time, and i could not imagine our son having to deal with unnecessary distractions as he develops his personality. we are essentially on one income and it is VERY tight(currently we are working on developing our business to sustain us both to be able to work from home and explore with the kids), but i cannot stress enough the feeling you get when seeing your children throughout the day and not just during what I call visiting hours in the evenings and the weekends. I would not have a problem with sending him to mainstream schools if i felt that he would be safe emotionally and physically, especially with being a black male. nevertheless, I will not take up too much space, but i would say that if you can find work from home during your child’s younger years or later then its worth the try because you will never be able to get that time back! I also think that this society tells us that we as mothers are not supposed to be good at staying at home because hey, we are helping feed the economy with the base of 2 incomes, they are not as supportive of SAHM because now that we are in the workforce too, we have to keep up with the new standards if you know what I mean! Black women were not in the home as much because there was not enough money…not necessarily because it is not something we want to do or good at doing.
Harriet says
I agree with the posters that stated it’s whatever works for your family at the time. I had to go back to work six weeks after I had my son, because my salary at the time was enough to support our family. We decided that we didn’t want to put our son in day care, so my husband quit his teaching job to be a SAHD. That was the best decision we made. At three, he starts school next week, and we can’t be more excited.
Every family has its own heartbeat, and if staying at home makes the love flow and the organization move more flexibly, I’m all for it. Each family is different, but it is incumbent upon every adult in the family to check their motives as to why they’re doing what they’re doing.
Keep it Trill wrote a blog a while ago that said you’re either going to pay now or pay later when it comes to child rearing. What she was discussing was aobut an adopted child with abandonment issues, but I think the point she made was relevant to any family. Pay now, or pay later to develop the emotional bank accounts of your children.
Mothering Two says
My situation is a little unique. I have rheumatoid arthritis and I had to chose between going off my medication to have a baby or continuing on my medication or a different lower dose of medication that may or may not prevent pain and doesn’t have any studies that clearly indicate the affect on a growing fetus. I chose to go off my RA medication and the pain came back with a vengeance. I couldn’t physically work, much less get out of bed. I went on disability. Then, I had to choose between nursing my infant son or going back on my medication. If I went back on meds, I’d need to formula feed him and I would prolly not qualify for my disability any longer because my RA would be managed. I choose to nurse him – a relationship that lasted 2 1/2 years. Then, I became pregnant with my daughter and had to make the same choices – I chose to keep her and nurse her, too. So, I am staying home with my children because I can’t feed them the way I’d like to feed them AND work. My daughter is almost two and still nursing. I’m still not on my medication. Our second income is my disability check and our lifestyle is very humble and getting humbler by the day. I’m willing to sacrifice a fancier life so we can afford to live under one income come the day I no longer need my disability check. It isn’t easy staying home with two children and having chronic pain. However, it seems easier than going back to work and paying for childcare, to me. I like what I do and am happy that it was even an option for us. Its weird, ‘cuz I lucked into this option because I have a disability that causes me pretty extreme pain. Some folks don’t consider me lucky at all, I know. I often get the comment from other women who don’t know I have a disability, “I could never stay home with my kids!” And to that, really, I get it. It makes sense to me why some women cringe at the idea of being a SAHM. I cringe at the idea of my kids in daycare. What upsets me is that some people use their preferences in life as the standard for judging every other mom’s life choices. Why judge at all? You worry about your life, I’ll worry about mine, I say. Support me ‘cuz by way of my nature, I support you. Since when are we all suppose to do the same exact thing??? Make the same exact choices??? Oh yeah, since patriarchy came into play… since for-ever. Anyway, just found your site through Anti-Racist Parent. Thank you for blogging!
Mothering Twos last blog post..Yeah, I gots me a few… New Years Resolutions…
Claudia says
I have to agree with Consuela – I enjoy my career and not staying at home is both a personal and a financial choice. I also need a little “me” time to stay sane, so the three months that I spent at home with my daughter after she was born were “the best of times” and “the worst of times.” As others have said, the answers vary from mother to mother, but I think that I am a better parent when I am a working parent. I also think that my daughter has benefited more from the socialization and educational features of her Montessori school than she might otherwise. None of the women in my family – and very few of the other black women that I know – ever stayed at home, and while this was done out of necessity, I’ve always considered them to be role models for my quest to maintain that crucial work/home balance.
Great conversation!
Claudias last blog post..“You Know I Dont Mean Youâ€
Jonesi says
I joke with my fiance about being a stay-at-home mom at some point but not having my “own” income is the scariest part for me. I never ever want to be totally reliant on my husband for anything. Sounds harsh but just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. Now working part-time might work (lol) but I can’t allow him to be the only person with an income and making all the decisions. I want to be apart of the process as well. AND to me being a stay at home mom seems more difficult than having a career…*shrugging shoulders*. I just pray God never gives me more than two babies at a time (lol).
DeStouet says
I totally agree with, execumama. I am a stay-at-home mother but I totally understand that this is not the decision for all mothers. Each mother should do what she thinks is best for her, and if she decides to change her mind, she is free to do so.
LaLasha says
For me it took my a full year to realize where I needed to be was home. I didn’t need to work for the money it was just put in to saveings and paid for daycare. When I was at work I felt heartsick being away from my daughter so when I found out I was pregnant with my second that is when I decided home is where I wanted to be and I love it, but if our money changes I would go back to work in a heartbeat. They need to feel safe and if their parents are worried about money all the time then they won’t feel safe.
deesha says
For anyone who may be interested, I wrote an article, “Ain’t I a Mommy?”, about the mommy wars/mommy memoirs and black women’s mostly-non-participation in both, for Bitch magazine last year.
https://bitchmagazine.org/article/aint-i-a-mommy
deeshas last blog post..Co-Parenting ABCs: Its the little things
Patience says
No kids over here and none wanted. But navigated to this site from The Root so here are my two cents: Both of my parents worked and I would have had it no other way. I think there’s this myth that children become these wonderous people if their mother stays home. WRONG. Seems like a lot of those kids become quite dependent. Meanwhile, I can honestly say I would have gone bonkers if my mother was home. As it were, I cherished the little bit of time I had after school (as a teen) when they WEREN’T home. I hated having my little sanctum destroyed.
If someone insists on staying home with kids, I think it makes more sense when they’re tots. But I never grasp mothers who stay at home with teenaged children. Newsflash: Those kids want you out of their face lol
I have a friend with whom I’ve had heated conversations about this. Also childless, but the product of a mom who stayed home. Unfortunately, her dad was a drunk and mom was in a bad situation – but she couldn’t leave because she had no finances. It took years for her to leave – and my friend has many bitterly colorful stories of her dad’s antics that took place in the meantime. To me, this is the reason why staying at home is a risk I can’t understand.
Patience says
Addendum: Also adding (again from the “child’s” perspective) my mom and I had a conversation about her not staying home once and she mentioned that she wished she could’ve.
I told her, point blank, that I would have had a real hard time respecting her as a person for that. Honestly, how can I listen to what you’re telling me to do or not to do, when I know you have to go to daddy and ask for an allowance just like me? I would’ve ignored her, and I know it.
Because of these controversial views, I usually don’t venture into this topic lol But then again, none of my friends have any kids and none are going to have any anytime soon so it doesn’t come up much thankfully. I did just find out a co-worker is preggo so it’s a topic I”m curious about – will she come back? We will see.
Couvade says
Staying at home after your kids are in school full-time is for you, not them. Nothing’s wrong with that but we should admit it. I stayed home with my daughter for the first year and then went to work full-time. I concluded that daycare is wonderful for a maximum of 6 hours each day; 10-11 hours is too long. I will stop working after the next one is born for them and me.
Shay says
we don’t have kids yet, but our plan is to have our businesses off the ground by the time we have kids so we can both stay home and work. we have decided that it’s most important for us to spend time with our family. money comes and goes.
PEACE
Brandi says
I am a 24 year old single mother with a two year old daughter. I feel that the decision was made for me to go to work versus being a stay at home mom. But at the same time, I would go crazy if I didn’t have that adult time in my day when I am out of the house. I am currently working on getting my degree in legal studies so that I can be at work while my daughter is at school, but it is tough to do both.
babbymomma says
I am a young mother of 6 children, when I was young my mother was married to my father and she stayed home with us and my father paid all the bills while she took care of us I thank my mother for that because she was there for everything and she went to all the field trips school plays and was also active at our school as a volunteer parent she really was a good role model for us I appreciate her staying home I think it helps the child to know that your there when you need them.As I got older I said that if I ever had children I would stay home with them like my mother does for us and my children really appriciates it my daughter says mom I’m glad you can come to a play or trip and thats better than any money. I think staying home with your child is good but if your in a situation were you cant always try to make time for your child no matter what they will remeber that more than anything
Constance says
@Patience and Jonesi Maybe you guys have the wrong ideas on what a marriage should be. I am a stay at home mom, but I also go to school full-time online. But anyway my husband does not make all the decisions or give me an “allowance” just because he brings in the money. He still respects my position as his wife that I have full and free access to the finances and input on major issues. He consistently reminds me that it’s OUR money. The only thing I have to consult with him about is if it’s a major purchase, in which case he does the same for me.
Like a couple other people have said, I think that our black mothers of the past more or less HAD to go to work. They didn’t have the option or luxury of staying home with the kids. When I was working the only thing I was paying for was daycare and transportation costs with a couple of minor bills thrown in. When we found out I was pregnant with my 2nd we decided that I was going to stay home. Fortunately my husband has gotten some increases in pay because it was tighter than tight for a while. Now it’s still kind of tight, but it’s great. Not having the 2nd income has definitely shown us the difference between a want and need. Also fortunately around the time my 2nd goes to school is also around the time I will be graduating so we’ll get a HUGE leap in income (my major is medical dosimetry). And since we’ve learned to live on so little we’ll be able to afford some of those big ticket items that we’ve had our eye on for a while.
But like other people have said, you have to live your life. You can’t live worrying about the status quo or what people are going to think about you. If you strongly desire to stay home, you’re going to find a way to make it happen. My husband at 1 point in time worked 2 jobs because staying home is that important to us. And if you strongly do not desire to stay home, then don’t feel guilty or envious of the mothers that do. Your child will love you that much more having a calm, rational, loving parent vs a parent that needs a drink halfway through the day because they’re too stressed out thinking about the life they gave up.
Liana says
I’ve seen Mommy Wars in the black community as well and it boggles my mind. I just don’t know why it has to be a war and why it has to be about Mommy.
If a parent wants or needs to stay home, why does it almost universally have to be Mommy? Is there something about the XX chromosome that makes a woman more suited to be a stay at home parent? This I do not understand.
Also, for me, not contributing financially to the household is not an option. My mother imparted her wisdom (paranoia) that you shouldn’t be reliant on another person to be the buffer between you and homelessness. The concept of OUR money is all well and good until one of those bad things you hope never happens, happens. For me, I would not be able to sleep at night were I not earning a paycheck.
And lastly, though not unimportantly, I am not one of those women cut out to stay home. I’ve got to interact with adults and use my brain for more than Elmo and Goodnight Moon. We are not all cut from the same cloth, so our choices don’t have to follow the same cookie cutter approach. One should do what is best for his/her family without guilt.
Lianas last blog post..Your Life In 100 Words: An Exercise
Chelle says
I currently am a sahm. I never thought I would be though. I clowned my friend when she did it, because I couldn’t see asking my husband for money all the time. But, once I had my daughter I was heart sick having to go back to work after 8 wks. I thought I had to work. When I had my 2nd daughter I realized it would save us money for me to stay home. I never had to ask for money because I was in charge of the finances and things were fine. I went back to work when she turned 3 however to help my husband with finances (we were saving to buy a house). I came home to have our son and I love spending time with him and the girls. Yes, sacrifices are made when you stay at home but my kids are well grounded in God and excelling in school because I’m here. But I think they would be if I worked as well. They are glad I’m home so I can be at all their functions at school and we are extremely close. I wouldn’t change it for anything. I also am a writer so I can work from home when necessary. It works for us.
Constance says
@Liana even if both parents are working it can still be devastating if a “bad thing happens” if you’re relying on both incomes to survive which a lot of families are. Also it doesn’t have to be Mommy that stays at home. That’s just the traditional role for women so…Also the reality is that whether you’re working or not, you’re still relying on something to survive. Whether it’s your spouse or a company, we all need something in order to be able to pay our bills. I’m sure plenty of the people that have lost their jobs recently or that have had a hard time finding a job will be able to concur with my statement. They’re dependent on the income brought in by working in order to eat, just as sahm’s or dads are dependent on their spouse.
I just realized that sahm’s/dads are also dependent on the company because that is where their spouse is getting the income from.
Arlice Nichole says
While I love my children to death and wouldn’t trade being a mommy for anything in the world, I’m more than a mom and have so much more to offer. I need to work and write. I need to feel productive in areas of life in addition to motherhood. I have always dreamed of being a career mom and that’s what I’m going to do. The WAHM is so me!
Arlice Nicholes last blog post..I Disagree with Suze Orman!
Liana says
@Constance: whose tradition was it for women to decide to stay home? It was not part of my family tradition, so this wholesale buy-in to the concept that women stay home and men work outside the home is boggling to me. Who decided this? Why isn’t it there more egalitarian approach not based on sex roles?
Also, I am more comfortable with the idea of relying on my own income earning rather than solely my partner’s income earning. With my current experience and skill set, finding a new position is much easier than had I been out of the employment market for several years. So yes, it is a choice I have made to rely on my income earning ability, despite what may happen to my employer, than to rely on a partner’s income, when that partner could wake up tomorrow and decide that a) he wants a newer, younger model; b) he wants to take all the money and invest it in a 1 year solo hot air balloon ride; or c)he’ll have a manic episode, take all the money and disappear never to be heard from again. Extremely unlikely? Yes. But it could happen. As such, I’ll rely on my earning potential to keep me and kidlet from homelessness. Luckily as a physician, we are rarely out of work since there are always sick people.
Again, this is my thinking. I don’t expect it to fit everyone else.
Be well.
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Constance says
@Liana women taking care of the kids and home are traditional roles. regardless of what your individual family did/does, the traditional role for a women was taking care of the kids, making sure the house was clean and dinner was cooked. yes our society has gotten away from that a lot, but that was the traditional role. that’s why most companies don’t offer paternity leave, but maternity leave is a given. yes, i agree with you that there should not be a sexist approach to child rearing, but that’s the way it is. it’ll probably be many more years before that becomes a general view.
if this is the person that you’re supposed to be with for the rest of your life…i’m all for living life with a healthy dose of realism, but…i don’t know. call me a romantic, but in my marriage i want to believe that this person is down for me and vice versa. now i’m not saying don’t be smart. so like instead of going on a shopping spree, choose to save that money in case the unthinkable happens (divorce, death, abandonment). but at the same time i refuse to let the line of thinking that one day my husband might leave be the basis for my decisions. and you even said that your mother’s thinking was paranoia, but yet you decided to accept her reasoning.?.
but like you said, to each his own. 🙂
i’m planning on getting my degree in the medical field so thankfully i’ll be in a recession proof industry as well.
Danielle Ojeabulu says
I can relate to what you had to contemplate after having your baby. While I was pregnant, I felt a desire in my heart to stay home and care for our new baby. I had already had an older son
Danielle Ojeabulu says
Continued (sorry)
My oldest son who is 15 years old was in the child care system from 6 weeks until he was a latch key kid at 9. I saw him in the morning before school and at dinner. That was it. I felt very guilty. 15 years later, I found myself pregnant again and realized that I want to have a shot at raising my own baby. I prayed about it. My desire was fulfilled through an unfortunate health condition that took me off of work half-way through my pregnancy. One year later, I am still off of work on an unpaid medical leave. I am working my own home-based business and have had to down size our lives. A lot of the perks are gone. I shop at thrift stores and buy online at auctions when necessary. But, I would not trade it for the world. I must say that if I were physically able, I would have chosen the six figure income, but God works things out in mysterious ways.
Danielle Ojeabulus last blog post..Preserving the Crib Mattress
ginag says
I’m expecting and fully intend to be a working mom. There’s no way I would put that kind of financial burden on my husband. Finding and keeping a job in this economic climate is an unstable enough proposition as it is; what would I look like stopping a source of income? I’m sure it’s a wonderful choice for those that can afford to make it, but staying at home isn’t an option for us.
Tjlisemom says
Interesting discussion. When I became pregnant with our second child. (When our first was 6 months old) We decided that I would return to work full time and my hubby would stay at home because I made more money. It was a very difficult decision but when we realized that we would be paying out nearly 1/2 his salary for someone else to care for our children it was worth it. We have since added a 3rd child to the mix and overall things have worked out. My children had the benefit of being cared for by a parent. My husband got a part time job 2-3 evening per week to keep his “sanity” and our family has been happy. I think that it is a very tough decision to make and that everyone cannot be a stay at home mother because it will not make them happy.
[email protected] says
You said it. Cultural difference. I never knew staying at home was an option until I met some family friends where the wife was at home. I mean my mom was always at home with me because she had a condition that disabled her from working, but she always had her side hustles. And I honestly think that had she worked, I probably would have done some wild things. A lot of my peers were always hanging out, people were in and out of their houses…yeah. The whole SAHM WAHM thing really didn’t click with me until I started exploring the parenting blogging/ebay community a year or 2 before having Jayden. All of these non-black moms at home with their kids. I thought, “Eh, must be nice.” but I was also determined to get my piece of that pie too. If they can, why can’t I? So I began my journey into internet entrepreneurship. I mean I’m at home, but I am still contributing to the finances and I am not burdening my husband with all of the financial responsibility. And although men are “supposed” to live up to this alpha male stigma, it’s damn hard especially in these times. Wives usually outlive their husbands and I want my husband to stick around. So we’re a team. #endblogpost #lol
Pat says
I’ve got 3 kids and until the youngest went to middle school, I was exclusively a SAHM. Now, I work part-time. My husband’s thought on the whole work/don’t work, was that he wanted me to do what would make me happy. WOW… I’ve been happier at home than I would have been at work and I feel blessed to have had this privilege.
My mom was a divorced mother of two who had to work. In elementary school, I spent most of my time before and after school with my grandmother who stayed at home. I have fond memories and yes, I have tried to imitate some of her attributes.
I’ve got friends whose personality could not take the whole SAHM. More power to them. I personally couldn’t take working then doing everything I do at home. Let’s face it, all of those chores I did doing the day would have to be done in the evening (usually by me).
Thank goodness, hubby feels no burden. He feels no pain. He’s a hard worker who has been fortunate (and frugal) to be able to give us everything we need and most things that we want. A ‘Thank you Lord’ leaves my lips every morning as I kiss him goodbye. I definitely stumbled into something special…
So, whatever path you choose. It’s all good. The most important thing is that you ‘raise your kids’-Responsible, Productive, Citizens no matter if you are SAHM or a working outside of the home mom.
Pat says
I’ve got 3 kids and until the youngest went to middle school, I was exclusively a SAHM. Now, I work part-time. My husband’s thought on the whole work/don’t work, was that he wanted me to do what would make me happy. WOW… I’ve been happier at home than I would have been at work and I feel blessed to have had this privilege.
My mom was a divorced mother of two who had to work. In elementary school, I spent most of my time before and after school with my grandmother who stayed at home. I have fond memories and yes, I have tried to imitate some of her attributes.
I’ve got friends whose personality could not take the whole SAHM. More power to them. I personally couldn’t take working then doing everything I do at home. Let’s face it, all of those chores I did doing the day would have to be done in the evening (usually by me).
Thank goodness, hubby feels no burden. He feels no pain. He’s a hard worker who has been fortunate (and frugal) to be able to give us everything we need and most things that we want. A ‘Thank you Lord’ leaves my lips every morning as I kiss him goodbye. I definitely stumbled into something special…
So, whatever path you choose. It’s all good. The most important thing is that you ‘raise your kids’-Responsible, Productive, Citizens no matter if you are SAHM or a working outside of the home mom.
Kimberly/Foodie City Mom says
I don’t think that it’s better or worse, but I do think that more Black people should consider the option. I have stayed at home with my 2 sons…and I am super grateful that I had the chance to do so. Contrary to common assumptions, the husband doesn’t have to be doing super well financially for that to be an option. (My husband is a teacher.) Rather, we sacrifice some things and I was able to start a second part-time career in the parenting field that provides “the gravy” to our finances. (I used to be in investment banking/finance.)
The way I see it is that we sacrifice for everything else that is important to us (school loans, home mortgages, etc.), so why wouldn’t we sacrifice for something that was super important for our family (for me to be their primary caregiver in their early years)? In any event, IF the mom really wants to stay home with the kid, then I think that the family shouldn’t dismiss the thought outright, but rather see if it is at all possible (with reasonable sacrifices) to make it happen.
Tammy Barbour says
I’ve been a stay at home mom, living in a neighborhood of mostly mainstream stay at home mom’s and I know all too well the benefits and disadvantages both to children, yourself, your career, and your marriage.
The benefits include: During your children’s most impressionable and formative years in terms of brain development and values, there is probably more focused and positive guidance from a parent than any child center can ever give. Children are draining, having one person to focus on their needs exclusively, while another keeps the family’s financial needs met is truly ideal….in an ideal situation. It’s tricky without support to really excel at a career when you have to juggle, I know nearly a dozen female physicians who are grand mothers too early because they simply were not there. Trying to breast feed in a corporate environment has been done, but not necessarily comfortably. In the end, no one looks back on their life and wishes they made more money, at some point many people realize the value of family relationships. Having someone to cater to the needs of the home often works well, but again, the circumstances must be right. It’s not permanent, if you need to go back to work, or simply want to, you can, the benefits your child received will be worth any time you can stay at home.
The disadvantages include: Who is in control? A man can easily feel that he is taking care of you, and that the tasks you perform have no value. He may feel the only reason that you have the Luxury OF staying home is because of his effort and sacrifice of having nicer things. It gets difficult to watch Barney or Callou all day. Talking to other stay at home moms, may or may not give you all the intellectual stimulation you need, since stay at home moms tend to be in an entirely different world than the corporate environment you are used to. Its also easy to become so much of a caretaker you forget about yourself, your needs, because you function to serve everyone else. It may be hard not to have some of YOUR OWN money, for the sense of independence you may need. The damage to your career can be severe. While you are juggling a million things successfully, its hard to translate these skill sets into something an employer can appreciate. Oh, and other women are always looking at this luxury your man provides to you like cake they want, so lets just say that if you aren’t a damned good wife in every way, you won’t stay one for long. Its also hard if money gets tight.
In the end, I wouldn’t trade being a stay at home mom with the RIGHT PARTNER for having nicer things. I would not want to leave my child with anyone at 8 wks or 12 wks, knowing what I understand of being with them and seeing them develop. My kids are musically inclined, speak multiple languages (Latin, Spanish etc) and have genius IQ as well as traditional family values of what it means to care for a family, not just go out and make babies. But, that said, if I didn’t have the Right Partner, I wouldn’t do it. The man really has to share these strong core values in child rearing, a materialistic man or control freak is not a good choice for this option.
Rachellechristie says
I’m not mad at anyone who can afford to stay home with their own kids.