by Aja Dorsey Jackson
The other night I shared with my husband what I thought to be good news about a small freelance writing opportunity that I was given. The gig was nothing major, but given the fact that I have recently taken a pay cut at work and the fact that I am working toward eventually being able to do this for a living, I was still fairly excited.
As opposed to sharing in my excitement, his reaction showed that he had very little interest in this particular success. I was hurt by this, and let him know how much his unsupportive behavior had hurt my feelings.
He didn’t respond, and still hasn’t. I haven’t revisited the issue yet. Since then he has been going on as though everything is business as usual but I am still hurt, both by his reaction and his refusal to apologize for hurting my feelings.
I know that we have spoken many times through posts about forgiving, letting go and moving on. But how do you forgive if the other person is not sorry? Does the first step toward forgiveness begin with an apology, or should I forgive even if the issue hasn’t been acknowledged? What do you do in situations where despite the hurt, the apology never comes?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. She can be reached at [email protected].
Good post, we can all identify with this as it is a struggle for all. Forgiveness, to me, is really not about the other person. Personally, when I am walking around fuming at my wife or waiting for an apology, it messes up my prayer life (I Peter 3:7) and makes me miserable to those I come in contact with throughout the day. I often forgive my wife before she asks for it or even if she feels there is no reason to apologize. I am ever so close to 40 and it just becomes more and more evident to me as the years tick by – that I just can’t give the power to control my happiness and peace to anyone, not even my spouse. Lastly, it helps me to remember that Christ forgave me when I surely did not deserve it (Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 2:13). With all that said – LOL it aint easy.
I could not have said it better, Edward.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..What’s Your Size? =-.
Unless you are willing to provide more specific details about this specific situation, I’d say this issues is really minor and you need to move on. If we get upset for every time our spouses react in a way we don’t expect, we’ll be pissed off all the time. I can’t expect my wife to be excited about every little blip on my CV, and I don’t get excited about hers. Unless he is trying to talk you out of the freelance job, just write it up, cash the check, and move on. If you are really trying to make a career out of this, he can’t be excited about every article you write. That is just not realistic.
This is too minor an issue.
It’s hard but it’s necessary. I have done it with my spouse and with other family members, and it just comes back to the point that the relationship is bigger and more important than the issue at hand. I think it comes down to “being right or being happy,” and sometimes waiting around for an apology that someone doesn’t feel is owed is about being right and can impede happiness. If anything, the apology won’t be sincere if the person doesn’t really feel s/he did anything wrong, so do you really want it anyway?
Dang, am I the only one thinking that hubby needs to apologize with the quickness?LOL
I don’t think this is a huge issue, but it’s obviously important to you. While no, it isn’t realistic to be gleefully excited about every article, a quick “That’s great news, baby. You’re on your way” is not too much to expect. But I’m a writer, so of course that’s what I want to hear. 🙂
It is hard to forgive without an apology. Very hard. But I think the bigger issue is not that you want an apology – you want his support. That’s different. I think it’s only natural for a wife to want her husband to share in her successes, even the small ones.
You just need to talk it out. Get specific and go from there…
.-= Tara´s last blog ..strollers and stereotypes =-.
Do what you suggested. Forgive …. even if the issue has not been acknowledge, but continue with your writing. Both of you have already extablished your intentions. So go ahead write on!
Edward said it best.
You are quickly becoming my favorite blog!
.-= Adrienne´s last blog ..My Studio 2010 =-.
I agree with Tara, a little support wasn’t too much to expect. No ticker tape parade, just a “way to go baby”. I don’t think this is something to hold a grudge over, so yes I think you should forgive, even if he doesn’t readily apologize. But I also think it might be worth exploring why he was so nonchalant about your news (no matter how small it may have seemed). Was he just distracted by his own issues (which he should be discussing with you anyway) or is there something else that kept him from celebrating a small victory with you (jealousy perhaps–not trying to start anything just looking at the real potential issues). Part of the joy of sharing your life with someone is being able to share all of the big and small things that mean something to you.
I think Edward gave an excellent response……..that being said I also think the issue is “do you forgive when the other party does not realize you want an apology”. While the answer may still be yes, in order to avoid being right back in the same place again, it is probably a good idea to at least let him know that you were a bit hurt by his lack of response. Maybe he was just pre-occupied. My husband sometimes thinks I “ignore” him when he talks but, if my mind is elsewhere, sometimes what he says doesn’t really register and I just nod & smile.
Oh my God!!! Aja, I have been going through this same thing at home. My husband will act like nothing has happen even when he is clearly at fault. And although Edward made some great points for forgiving without an apology, this is very difficult. Let me explain why. You come home to share some news (good, bad, or indifferent) and you get a no or a negative response from your mate. This can lead to you going to someone else for that emotional support. Not that you are wanting to cheat or be with someone else, but let’s face it, emotional support is a need for most people. That is why it hurts when we don’t get it. I am not saying that you have to roll out the red carpet for every single thing, lol… But a simple “that’s cool babe” or a high five will do… These things that start out to be minor can lead to some major issues.
I believe that “I’m sorry” can go a long way. Just knowing that someone cares about your feelings is important.
Enjoying all the comments. You have to forgive as Edward references in the Bible. I don’t think this was a scenario to hold a grudge over either, and I wonder what Aja knows or doesn’t know about her spouse’s personality that makes his response shocking/offensive to her. We come to expect certain things from people, spouses in particular, but sometimes you’re just not going to get it. And now he or your perception of his response has managed to bring your high all the way down, when she could’ve been like ‘Hate if you want too…” and gone on.
But that said, poor behaviour needs to be addressed, and when someone is blatantly wrong it needs to be corrected. You can’t make them change, but you can help them, Open rebuke is better than secret love (prov.27:5). Say your spouse is chronically late, making you late, but you keep letting it slide. Now say they are making their carpool chronically late for work cause your spouse believes its OK because you never mention it. Everyone loses their job, and one desperate co-worker comes by and shoots up your house because of it.
Being forgiving doesn’t say you’re not/weren’t hurt, that you don’t have a right to speak about it and attempt to get an answer/clarification.
CONT…Being forgiving doesn’t mean maybe you aren’t owed an apology. But it does mean that you are not holding their actions against the other person and causing you to change the way you love, respect or treat them in the relationship in reaction to how they have treated you.
Edward’s response pretty much said it all for me, but I also agree with Tara. Having your spouses support goes a long way in motivating you. But your happiness is yours to control. If this is a constant norm then I would say yes, you are deserving of an apology, but if he’s usually supportive and behind you more often then not; then I’d say forgive him and move forward with your new opportunity.
.-= Candi´s last blog ..B.O.M. Series: Recognizing the Competition =-.
Edward… what a beautiful post! Forgiveness is something that we do for ourselves and has nothing to do with the other person. Every time I recite the Our Father Prayer I am reminded that I MUST forgive because God forgives us “as we forgive those who trespass against us.” And I want all the forgiveness that God has coming for me! But keep your heart open to forgiveness and, at a later date, the opportunity will present itself again for you to let your husband know how much you value his support.
I agree with Tara. If your loved one cared about your hurt feelings, he/ she would apologize. That is simply Dale Carnegie 101: “Apologize and mean it.” That is the most sincere thing one can do… as long as it is genuine. Quoting the Bible is lovely but it does not fully take into consideration the overall interpersonal experience. If that was the case, Elin should not make a big deal about Tiger’s affairs. Apologies should be offered and reciprocated with a plan of forgiveness.
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He might be sorry but sometimes men express themselves in a different way than woman. I find myself getting upset at him for not apologizing for things but I know he is sorry because there is some way he comes out and show it but just doesnt like to admit to it or talk about it. It is hard for them to admit when they need to apologize and I have come to understand that and just forgive and let it go or I will stress myself out. I hope this helps a little.