by Harriet Hairston
I just read about Eva Longoria and Tony Parker filing for divorce today on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. Typically these grounds are the basis for what lawyers call a “no-fault divorce.”
I would definitely beg to differ. There is no such thing as a no-fault divorce when it comes to married couples. Irreconcilable differences are basically a cop-out for divorcing based on the small, nit-picky things that a couple was either too lazy or too overconfident to deal with.
Wikipedia defines this vicious phenomenon as, “Differences between spouses that are considered sufficiently severe to make married life together more or less impossible.”
How can a couple prevent this from happening within their own marriage?
1. MAINTENANCE! Date nights, conversations, sex, open communication, all these things are necessary to help a couple maintain their marriage. Like a car, if not properly maintained, a marriage may break down between the 5-7 year point, which is particularly upsetting when one thinks about all they’ve invested in the relationship (time, money, children, love, emotions, etc.).
2. FRIENDSHIP! The darkness of human nature never ceases to amaze me. Humanity in general will treat complete strangers with more respect and compassion than those closest to them. In a marriage, it’s necessary to not only love one another, but LIKE each other, too! Even in disagreement, consider how you disagree with a friend vs. your spouse–are you more prone to hit below the belt with your spouse? Maintain your friendship, and you won’t fall victim to irreconcilable differences.
3. LAUGHTER! The ability to laugh at one another and with one another is essential to preventing irreconcilable differences. Dr. John Gottman, a world renowned marriage counselor, stated that couples who employ humor in disagreements are more likely to resolve their differences than those who continue to fight to get their point across.
4. FIGHT! Not one another, but the danger zones, laziness and forces out there that would attempt to tear you apart. Let’s face it: we live in a society that’s not friendly towards marriage. BMWK has been on the front lines of that endless battle for years now! Find the “umph” in your “try” to make your marriage triumphant over all the foolishness that wants to break it apart!
Irreconcilable differences, as stated, is a cowardly cop-out to the beauty a marriage can become once all the obstacles are externalized rather than internalized. Join the fight to maintain your marriage and ensure irreconcilable differences is a thing only seen in Hollywood and professional sports arenas.
BMWK, what weapons do you use to maintain your marriage and prevent irreconcilable differences from taking place?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Ebayswifey says
SEX! This is a weapon I use to maintain my marriage. It’s the ultimate way to connect. If he’s sexed to saturation (i.e. he screams when you come near him) then it’s difficult for Lucy McFloozy to get her foot in or for Dude McShrewd to get his foot in either.
Nubiance67 says
I totally agree that a couple can preserve and enhance their marriage with maintenance, friendship, laughter & fight. However, when one party is willing to employ those tactics and more, they cannot force the other spouse to do so when that person refuses to pray together, worship together, study the Word together, attend counseling (joint or individual), contribute financially to the home (and YES, they have a job AND military income), participate in the spouses activities or include spouse in theirs, and even refuse to speak (to spouse or kids) for days on end. When someone lives in this type of environment, it not only affects the couple, but the children as well. Individually, these may not be “grounds” for divorce, but collectively this is a dangerously unhealthy environment for all involved, particularly when the spouse who refuses to participate is a minister, prancing & preaching & perpetrating a serious fraud! The family is struggling to keep the lights on (literally), and I’m functioning as a single mother …. for almost a year now. I’m NOT an advocate for divorce but when is enough ENOUGH?? And how is this unhealthy lifestyle honoring the Lord when the kids don’t even want to go to church anymore because of the hypocracy?
nothing-left says
well I sexed him to death , or so i thought..I debased myself in way that I hope my daughter never has to….what has it accomplished…other that other that the ruin of what little I thought of myself….
Anna says
BMWK, what weapons do you use to maintain your marriage and prevent irreconcilable differences from taking place?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Keeping it real. Each day at work is different than the day before. Understanding that dinner is not going to be served at the same time every night(no matter who decides to cook. To laugh is fun, to marry someone who is your friend is a must, but to know how to debate that does not turn into a fight is a plus. To fight or argue is a “indifference”. Irreconciable? Easy cop out . To me that means that I don’t like that you did not agree with me, so I choose to check the box that says “irreconcilable”, when I file for divorce. Too easy. LOL, there is a box you can check on a divocre petition for “fraud”. How did he fraud you? Because he told you he had $10 million dollars vs only having $1 million. LOL.
Why does Eva want spousal support in the divorce? They were married for 3 years and did not have any children? She works on “Wistera Lane”. She filed her divorce papers in Cali, which is a 50/50 State. I guess this answers the old question “Why Did They Get Married”?
Wambuig says
Dear Nubiance67 my heart goes out to you and your kids. Is there a married couple you both know and respect that you can get involved? When push comes to shove think if it this way… if it was one of your kids going through what youre going through with their spouse, what advice would you give them? If it’s to walk away… then you need to walk away. I don’t advocate for divorce but your children will be healthier (emotionally) coming from a broken home than growing in one. Best wishes…
MsTish says
Yes, this is definitely an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship. Is the reason for not leaving, because he is a minister? Well if he’s hiding behind his cloth and not being a man (husband, provider, father) at home… then there is a major problem. Who is he accountable to? Bring forth scripture of what a husband and father is supposed to be. #1 in my book is to love, and care for (provide) for his wife and children.
iLL Holiday says
The advice was both deep and dope! That’s why I run a stream of your Posts! Much Love BMWK!!
-iDouble Out
https://www.illholiday.com
Gcantwo says
You can’t go wrong when your partner is sexually satisfied. Its only a problem when you feel you’ve degraded yourself or you aren’t satisfied. Some guys just don’t make good husbands.
DCDivaCB says
I love the suggestions! No different than getting your mani/pedi every two weeks to maintain your look, you have to put forth the time, effort and sometimes money to maintain a healthy relationship as well. I have heard some people say your future spouse should be your best friend first, but I’m not totally convinced with that one. Friendly, yes. But the girl or guy friends you had before meeting should remain in the picture, as long as they respect your relationship and push you to stay positive and respectful. That said, the friends you had before saying vows and those that helped you to the altar are the friends you keep and converse with to make sure your point of view is fair before allowing discussions to turn into fights. Discussions are open and honest, fights are when you say things you can’t ever take back. As long as you fight fair, there will be plenty of ways to keep laughter in the picture. Especially when you can look back on a discussion and laugh at some of the silly or mis-understood comments that were made.
T. Rogers says
I have to caution you here. You assume the only reason a man would cheat is to satisfy a sexual urge. That’s just not true. It can be the case for some men (as it can be for some women), but is not always the case. We men are human. We have mental and emotional needs, too. You would be surprised what a woman can accomplish with a man by listening to him when he talks and encouraging him. Every man that tips out is not doing it because he is sexually dissatisfied. Often times the sexual affair is a by product of an emotional connection.
Keep doing what you are doing. However, make sure you nurture his heart as well.
HarrietH says
*sigh*
First and foremost, I know what it’s like to live in that kind of environment. I kept running your name through my mental rolodex to see if you were someone I know who was “killing me softly” with your words.
I’ve been in that kind of imbalance, and currently we’re on the way out of it. The season my marriage has been in has been extremely difficult, and we have reaped the consequences of our collective imbalance (foreclosure, repossessions, debt, and currently filing bankruptcy).
We faked the funk becuase of misplaced faith in a man instead of God. And now that our eyes have been opened, we are fighting really hard to keep our marriage together. I just want to encourage you not to do the same thing I did, though. PLEASE don’t get numb and just go through the motions with yourself, your children and your marriage. I realize it hurts. I’m with you. But if BOTH of you are willing to fight through it, you can make it through this storm and look back to see how the Lord was always there.
Pray for your kids, and keep the lines of communication open. Perhaps they would do better at a different church for now. If nothing else, keep them in the Word, no matter what picture of “faith” is being painted before them. Now, more than ever, it’s important for them (and you) to develop and maintain a personal relationship with Christ.
I’m not saying that what my spouse and I are currently battling through will work for you. I am, however, saying that you’re not alone. I can’t answer the question, “When is enough ENOUGH,” but I can say that you don’t have to lose your joy, faith, hope and love in the process. I lost all that and more, and it’s a constant mental and spiritual battle for me to regain that. The ONLY help I have is the Lord. He always helps me put things in perspective.
Anyway, didn’t mean to be so long winded, but your words spoke to me. I’ve been there, and although I’m not all the way out, I’m coming out with all the things I outlined above. Christ is the center of my drive to employ those characteristics. Although He may not be reflected in the actions of your spouse, that doesn’t make Him less faithful. Hold onto Him and follow His lead.
Ckmodele says
So often women fight for their families; but, are not fought for in their time of need, regardless of how small the need. I remain in shock and dismay of how common this has become. Thank you for sharing a platform which helps us all to “figure it out” and provides validation as necessary. God bless.
reefinyateef says
Absolutely T.Rogers … this thought that all guys need is good sex is a myth.
Mya says
you still can’t ignore everything else. I pray I never have to go through what you are, I know it can’t be easy. But I also use sex as my weapon and so does he. Sexing each other to the point of total satisfaction has been the glue that keeps us together. When we fight about other things, we both remember that sex will never be as good anywhere else than it is together. But I honestly think it is how a man was raised. I never say never, because I don’t put anything past a man, but they should also not put anything past us. LOL I J S. Anyway you should never do something you will regret later especially sexually. Some men are just no good.
Lele Brown says
T. Rogers, I know what you’re saying to be very very true. All women need to be very aware of this, often times we don’t see men as needing that emotional or even mental stimulation, and we open the door to temptation by ignoring these needs
Lele Brown says
T. Rogers, I know what you’re saying to be very very true. All women need to be very aware of this, often times we don’t see men as needing that emotional or even mental stimulation, and we open the door to temptation by ignoring these needs