We all bring baggage into marriage. But what happens when that baggage is another person, namely an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend?
When I met my husband, I was ending a relationship I thought would lead to marriage one day. My feelings were hurt, self-esteem in the gutter, and trust broken. I needed to heal before jumping into another relationship. So, my husband and I took our time, dating for 3 years before marriage. Nevertheless, I still had to work through those past hurts, forgive my ex, and take responsibility for my part in the failed relationship.
What I didn’t want to do was carry the baggage of my ex into my new relationship. After all, marriage is for two people not three. So, my ex had to go!!
I had to stop thinking about him and the hurt he caused.
I had to stop talking about him.
I had to remove all traces of him from my home.
I had to stop anticipating that my new boyfriend would treat me the same way my ex did.
I had to stop living in the past and start expecting a better future.
I couldn’t blame my ex for my unhappiness anymore because he was gone. And if I decided to keep him around in my heart and head, I would ruin the new relationship God was orchestrating for me. That’s why I am so glad my new boyfriend, who turned out to be my husband, gave me an ultimatum.
“Let him go, or I go.”
And he meant exactly what he said. No more sharing his woman with the ghost of my past. If he was going to be a one-woman-man, then he expected me to be a one-man-woman. My husband-to-be made it very clear that I wasn’t going to blame him for the mistakes of my ex. Sure, he would be patient with me while I healed, but I was not to fixate on the past.
Looking back, I am glad my husband gave me an ultimatum. He wanted me all to himself, which meant I had to let go of my ex and see my future husband for the faithful and loving man he is.
BMWK readers, what baggage did you have to let go of while building your current relationship?
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mylou says
I’m so thanking Y?? for sharing that message, I am living the ??m?, really ??m? situation…being so confuse, because I thought that I was Already healed, I am praying God ?? help me take the good decision.
Dr Michelle says
You are welcome. Healing tales time. But it starts with one decision to let go of the past and to forgive. I will be in prayer for you.
PurpleJeli says
Wow, excellent perspective. I too have been guilty of this but I am blessed that my current boyfriend took the same approach. He was patient in my healing, but after awhile, his patience wore thin and I was told (for the sake of our relationship and my own sanity) to let him go. We have a child together so I couldn’t write him off completely, but I did release the power I allowed him to hold in my life well after we separated. Now my ex and I are better parents for my child and I am very happy in my new relationship which would not have been successful for the last 7 years if I was still holding onto pain, hurt, anger, betrayal and everything else negative. Thank you for sharing this one!
Mom of 3 says
I think it’s important as well to deal with your issues from past relationships before you move on to the next one. I understand that sometimes you don’t know that certain issues exist or remain until you do attempt to move on. Its not fair to the next person to compare him to the last one. Sometimes you hsvr to heal without any distractions. Good article.
Bluejay says
I think it’s great when exs, that co-parent, can be civil enough to be friends and raise their children together. My question is just how much friendship should be existing if one of them is in a relationship? Let me explain….
My fiance and ex are still great friends and great parents. Whenever she calls,and I’m around, he has to leave and go outside to talk with her. Is this appropriate? They text and talk often about more than the child. I am not allowed to attend events with him because of some rule they implemented. Rule: No one would bring their so to an event unless they are long termed or married. WAIT…….we are planning long term and even live together.
I’m being played, hoodwinked, over an over jealous woman???? Help!!!!!
H says
Bluejay,
I learned this lesson the hard way, as did my husband (with whom I’m happy now!):
First, If there is someone or something causing pain for your significant other, then it is not an appropriate part of your relationship.
Second, It is best to go with your gut. If your gut is telling you there’s something going on that shouldn’t be going on, then it needs to stop. If your significant other can’t or won’t wean himself from his past relationship, then he isn’t ready to be in his current one.
Third, There is a chance he doesn’t even realize how inappropriate his actions are, so be patient and gentle when you discuss it. If he can’t understand your point of view coming from you, consider a marriage counselor.
Fourth, you would benefit greatly from reading, “Not Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. It will explain your side to your sig. other, and will explain his side to you. Best book I’ve ever read, and best choice I’ve made regarding my marriage was to read it.
Good luck!