By Edward Lee
At the end of last year the U.S. State Department decided to change the DS-11 form which is used for new U.S. passport applicants. The changes on the form, which are being rolled out February 2011, were initially made to move to gender neutral language by removing and replacing the titles “Mother” and “Father” with “Parent 1″ and “Parent 2.”
However, once news of the change spread and it became clear that this was going to be a political fight and public controversy, the State Department decided the new form would instead read, “Mother or Parent 1″ and “Father or Parent 2.” For those that are married but not parents, I think the equivalent to the changes on the new passport form would be if marriage licenses were changed to read Spouse 1, Spouse 2 instead of Husband or Wife.
To some, these changes are a big deal, to others the changes are a matter of semantics. Yes, I do know the bigger picture here is “same sex marriage.” But, for this post, I am only dealing with the reality of the name change to those that call themselves “father” and “mother,” not the impetus for the change. The focus is on whether the generalizing of these traditional term has any impact to those that use them. So here is the specific question, “What, if any at all, is the significance of removing or conjoining the traditional titles of mother and father with the gender neutral tag, “parent”?”
For me, and my family, I am Father or Daddy, not Parent 2 (I do take issue with Dad’s being Parent 2 instead of Parent 1 but I will leave that for another day.). Here are the two primary reasons that it matters that I am a Father and not a generically tagged Parent.
Implies there is no difference. To me, my title clarifies and defines who I am in my family. When my child has frazzled my wife’s last nerve she says, “Go ask your father.” To me, in my family structure, that means go ask the one who makes the final decision on that particular issue. Similarly there are ways in which my wife is defined as a mother. For example, when it is time to get a snack, it is time to ask mom, because this daddy just does not make a grilled cheese sandwich like mom does.
Of course, this holds true in more serious areas of the family interaction as well. There are times when there are things I just don’t want to deal with. But the mantle that comes along with being a “father” reminds me, it is my job to stand up and lead my family – even or especially when I don’t want to. I have absolutely no problem with my wife taking the lead in some areas, but when things jump off track, it is my responsibility to get things right because there is a difference in a mother and a father.
It is a point of clarity that just makes our family tick. Simply stated, a father is not a mother and a mother is not a father. There is a difference that can not be neutralized or generalized.
Destabilization of family structure. Similar but yet distinct from the first reason is that of the family structure. Because a mother and father are different (point 1), it seems that by removing the titles we are tinkering with the entire stability of the family. In a traditional sense, families have a structure or hierarchy that has placed the Father and Mother at the top, with the children underneath them. By accepting the removal or what I consider to be the lessening of the titles, we are masking the fullness of our authority and scope of responsibility as…Dad and Mom.
From my male-oriented view – Father denotes the leadership, love and strength to lead his children and raise them to be productive citizens. Of course not every father is a good one. Yet, in being called a father, there are a set of responsibilities that typically come to mind, that can not be stuffed into a catch all title.
Certainly, no one is going to come into your home and force you to drop the title Father and Mother. But as the acceptance of a more gender neutral stance to family designations becomes mainstream it is something to ponder and clarify within your own household.
So that is my personal take on it, in my house just call me Daddy, with all that that means good and bad, that is who I am. I am not a general guy, with roundabout responsibilities, I am the husband and father. It does not give me the right to treat my wife as a doormat or be a dictator to my children. It does clarify that I have designated roles and responsibilities as leader of my tribe and tone setter of love and respect.
But what about you BMWK, do you find anything of significance in the titles, Father, Mother, Husband, Wife or is this just much to do about nothing?
Edward is an Ordained Minister, Bible College Professor, Pastoral Marriage Counselor, and Author of two first of their kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, Gsod: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and coming February 1st, Husbands, Wives, God – Weekly Devotions: 52 Weeks of Relationship Enriching Devotions. To learn more about Edward and Husbands, Wives, God go to edwardclee.com or follow on facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.
I have to say that I’m pretty open and objective about most things. I am the peacekeeper in my house. But this one really angers me sometimes. I have yet to see Parent 1 & Parent 2. But for EVERY SINGLE form I fill out for the kids, the data fields for the mother are always first. The assumption could be an antiquated one: women were the ones who took care of the kids – men brought home the bacon; or it could be the expectation for more single parentdom than not with that expectation being the mother as the custodial parent. As I am the one who fills out all those forms in my house I’m always sidetracked because I have to either remember, know off the top of my head or call my wife to fill out her portion and then move on to fill out the rest. This is nothing I’m going to be campaigning against in the next election, but it ranks pretty high as an annoyance. The problem with annoyances is that not much is done to change them because you usually open up a Pandora’s box in the process. That’s the problem with catering to one group someone is always offended or dissatisfied. So I guess in the minds of the people that create the forms they’ve opted to do what needs to be done at the risk of offending the smallest subset of people.
Although not completely on topic, these are my two cents on the matter.
I think this reads WAY TOO MUCH into simple forms. Who is using a passport application, or even a marriage license application to define themselves or their role? If it said “Thing 1” and “Thing 2”, we would still be just as married.
I could understand if your child stopped calling you Dad/Father, but otherwise, this is seriously a non-issue. It is awesome that you love your role as Father. I hope you will teach your children that labels don’t define us, we define us!
@BeReasonable – I appreciate the general point of your comment – that labels don’t define us. I agree that labels don’t define us. But what about future generations? Could you see a day where future generations don’t use Father, Mother, Husband, Wife , because they are no longer politically correct? I have to think that would have some impact on the family structure.
I really don’t think so. The traditional family structure has been on the decline for some time now and it’s got nothing to do with forms and labels. We need to start embracing new family structures and respecting them because this is our new reality.
Unfortunately, I have to respectfully disagree with Be Reasonable. It’s a very romantic view that labels do not define us, and that “we define” us. It’s the lore of a NBC after school special, but the way it works in the real world. Labels are what tell us what kind of treatment we get at the airport: Deportee, Diplomat, etc. Labels tell us what kind of service we get at the amusement park: Silver star pass holder, general pass holder. Equally, these labels attempt to categorize mother and father as ‘just parents’. Even in corporate life, you are not ‘just employees’. Someone serves as a manager, and someone is the stock room sweeper. Sure, you are just as employed as if you were called Thing 1 and Thing 2, but your label or TITLE influences what level of responsibility is expected of you within the organization.
This is political correctness gone to the point of lunacy, and I fear in the long run it will do more harm than good to the strength of our social fabric. We have enough Black fathers abdicating responsibilty as it is. Why would the want to try harder to be fathers when “Parent 1” could (assumedly) do the job just as effectively?
Taking it too far once again.
If I fill out a job application, I know what position I am applying for. Let’s say Operations Manager. When I fill out my job paperwork, it might just say “employee generico #678”. Okay, fine. But I am still hired as a manager, with all the responsibilities implied therein. If someone can’t disconnect the fact that a government form is a generic form, and they somehow feel like this absolves them of responsibility or makes them feel like they are lest invested in the role that they are in, well, that’s… interesting. This isn’t about political correctness, this is about sensitivity. There are real problems in the world, and this is not one of them.
Honestly, with the make up of families these days, I think it would read better to say Parent/Guardian on both fields and be done with it. No numbers, 1 or 2, just the title. This will encompass the families that have dad & mom, 2 moms, 2 dads, grandma & auntie, whatever the composition. The forms are not going to change what is happening in our families, that is our responsibility. The wording on the form will just make certain familial situations easier to document.
Honestly, with the make up of families these days, I think it would read better to say Parent/Guardian on both fields and be done with it. No numbers, 1 or 2, just the title. This will encompass the families that have dad & mom, 2 moms, 2 dads, grandma & auntie, whatever the composition. The forms are not going to change what is happening in our families, that is our responsibility. The wording on the form will just make certain familial situations easier to document.
Honestly, with the make up of families these days, I think it would read better to say Parent/Guardian on both fields and be done with it. No numbers, 1 or 2, just the title. This will encompass the families that have dad & mom, 2 moms, 2 dads, grandma & auntie, whatever the composition. The forms are not going to change what is happening in our families, that is our responsibility. The wording on the form will just make certain familial situations easier to document.
I don’t think it’s a big deal. I mean it’s not like your kids are going to start calling you “parent 1” just because it says that on some form. i think its only fair to those who are same-sex parents. they are parents too. and even people who are raised by their grandparents, aunts, uncles. mother and father just dont fit for everyone.