Dear Fellas,
On no day will I understand why black men wait so long to get married. The US Census Bureau shows, on average, every other race, both men and women, get married between 26 and 29. But you wait till you’re nearly 31.
And for-real tho, who they countin’? Most of the single black men I know aren’t close to walking down nobody’s aisle.
Two of my close friends, who I’ll call Mr. Eastgate and Mr. Astrodome, are in their mid 40’s, single, no kids, and never married. They both want to get married. But they haven’t found the right one yet.
Let me tell you a secret: finding the right one has nothing to do with her. It has everything to do with you. There are four things that transpire in a man’s life for him to make the decision to get married.
- Belief in Marriage. You must have a value system that believes the institution of marriage is something that’s good. This valuing began in your childhood, most likely from your family.
- Expectations. Your beliefs develop a set of expectations of the kind of woman that’s a perfect wife for you.
- Past Relationship Experiences. Your past relationship experiences clarify your expectations of what you want and what you don’t want in a wife.
- Preparation. According to your refined expectations, you know the kind of husband you want to be. For me, I wanted to be like Heathcliff Huxtable. However, when you where younger, you probably weren’t ‘ready yet’ to take on those Huxtable-like roles and responsibilities. So you took time to work on yourself, get your finances right, and eventually get rid of past relationship baggage/demons.
Here’s where you went wrong. Your expectation of married-life is one-sided. Yes, you’re willing to compromise, but your expectations are all about what you will get from your wife, not what your wife needs to get from you. You also waited to settle down after you completed the preparation stage.
The problem is…
Your expectation of the perfect wife, the woman you’ve painstakingly spent the last # of years preparing for doesn’t exist. You believe there’s someone out there that already meets your expectations of the perfect wife you’ve prepared for. But it is impossible to predict or forecast what your future wife will need you to give her. Why? Because she also went through her own 4-step process to get ready for marriage. And she also has expectations for the perfect husband, which is now your unexpected list of things she needs you to give her. But you didn’t prepare for some of the intricacies on her list. So instead of meeting those expectations, you disqualified her from ‘perfect wife’ status and moved on to the next one…hoping she’ll meet your expectations.
When I got married, I thought I was prepared. In order for us to make it work, and be happy, I had to learn how to communicate in a more caring manner, drive slower, become more patient because she takes longer to get ready, come home sooner because she gets tired quicker, be more affectionate…I could go on. Through 17 years of trial and error and give and take, I have handcrafted the perfect wife for me, the likes of which I could never find on the open market.
Mr. Eastgate, Mr. Astrodome, and my fellow black men, the perfect wife for you is not found, she is forged in marriage. All the things you want and don’t want in your perfect wife, you have to cultivate in her as your wife through the hard work of learning new communication skills, coping skills, adapting skills, etc.
I know you’ve done a lot to prepare yourself for marriage. But don’t confuse what it takes to get married…to what it takes to stay married. As a potential husband, know…every time the level of your relationship increases (i.e., from dating to engagement to marriage), the level of work you have to put in increases to perform at even the lowest levels of proficiency. By the time you reach the marriage level, you don’t settle down, you ramp up!
So fellas, reset your expectations, accept the unknown variables a woman will bring to your life, and stop waiting to find the perfect wife before you get married. Create her in marriage.
BMWK, Do you know any man that have waited years for the one?
This was beautifully written. I love reading your articles. They always leave me with note to think about and discuss. Well done!
Thank you Alexis. You are so kind!
Great insight from the male persoective. I trust that both Mr. Eastgate and Mr. Astrodome are receptive to your intervention / suggestions.
This goes against the rule “don’t get married thinking things will change”. If you marry a women that does not meet your expectations while you are dating can you expect her to suddenly change her ways after she walks down the aisle?
I totally respect where you are coming from. Finding someone that is perfect for you is a one sided relationship, and goes against the sharing and sacrifice both parties have to endure. However, maturity has no time line . The search for perfection is a dead end path. Couples need to have commonalities in order to sustain a positive relationship. Be compatible mentally and physically, have spiritual harmony, and share a understanding of commitment, relationship and responsibilities. These are very important things that can’t be rushed because of time. Too many young adults rush into auditioning for the role of marriage because society tells us that after you go to school, get a job, then comes married and the baby all before age 30 “white picket fence American dream” without really understanding or knowing the commitment and devotion necessary to sustain a marriage.
At age 22-29 I was still maturing, trying to figure out my place in life my niche, now we are told in your article to marry young. build the perfect wife and figure out the rest as they come. How could a woman follow a man when he’s still confused on life. So a guy who may not be completely developed chooses a wife who may not know what she wants in life. Introducing the added stress of reality and responsibility. In summary kids marrying kids will lead to a even higher divorce rate. Waiting until you are mature enough to share your life with someone is timeless.
Thank you for writing this article. Many articles bash women for not jumping through hoops. This is a refreshing articles that challenge the men to take their rightful place and step up to the plate.
Thanks Renee.
Thanks Nay-Lilly
Jesse,
While I agree with the principle that says, “You can’t change people.”, the rule you speak of…I do not. I say, get married knowing things will change. Not only will, age, children, financial needs, etc. change you, there’s the unknown way you’ll feel about the myriad of things that take place in the first two year of your marriage. I call that the transition period, because you are transitioning from a single lifestyle and mindset to a married one. Most couples’ transition is rough…per the 4 stages of team building (Tuckman, 1965) They are realizing the difference between their expectations and reality. All the feelings and emotions that come along with this transition were unknown to them prior to marriage. Successful marriages occur with both couples change their mindset and behavior to accommodate each other. If one fails to change to the realities of marriage, misery and frustration awaits.
There must be some level of attraction and compatibility to even consider dating her, let alone asking her to marry you. But it’s the expectations you weren’t prepared for…the one’s where her needs call for you to do more, be more, and give more than you initially expected…got dude questioning if she’s the one.
I say, if she’s a good person and you have strong feelings for her, invest the time into making the perfect girlfriend, then the perfect fiance, then the perfect wife. No, these changes won’t happen suddenly. On no day will the ever. But if you ever want to get married, you’re going to have to go through this process with SOMEONE. So pick one you think is worth the investment, and get to work.
Thanks for your comment.
I think the point is that the fundamental things should be in place and the expectations that do not make or break a marriage can be met later. It’s like wanting a wife who is an excellent cook but she’s not. That shouldn’t stop someone from getting married as after marriage she can get help with those skills through cooking classes or trial and error.
Great article! I am engaged and getting married in April this year, and I see all of this occurring in my fiancé. I’ve seen him grow from the kind of man you discussed about believing in “perfection” to a more reality based person and thinker. He is a bit older as the article suggests (34), and we met when he was 31 but I’m oh so glad he was so picky and didn’t want those other women because then I wouldn’t have him lol! While there is still a lot of growth that needs to occur in both of us, we are headed in the right direction. I believe it just takes the right woman to be patient with men who have super high expectations, but she also had to be smart and KIND enough to bring him down to reality. Can’t wait forever for these types of men, and you can’t let them run all over you either, but allow patience to have its perfect work. Now I”m not saying wait 5 or 10 years for him…just learn him and his ways, and be willing to be supportive of him and also pray for him. If it’s in Gods will and plan, he will naturally gravitate towards you without you having to pressure him into making any commitments. Keep your standards, but also be willing to understand his. Great article!
I’ve read your article and think it is very well written and you make so many relevant points that our men, and women, should take heed to; however, I’m with Jesse from the “changing someone” standpoint. Yes, people will surely change and grow, hopefully for the better, after marriage; however, I think that many men, after reading this, will feel that it is their “duty” to “create” the wife he desires. He may now think it’s okay to say and do things that suit his needs and may really feel he is doing her justice, but in actuality making her feel like she is constantly falling short. I was married for close to eleven years, but unfortunately tragically lost my husband to an accident almost two years ago. We had a beautiful marriage and I know he loved me and the kids, was spiritually grounded, had a successful career, and was always there, but in hindsight there were some very controlling aspects of his personality that, because of my faith and understanding of the word of God, fell victim to. I say fell victim to because I actually lost myself in the marriage. I was too stuck on pleasing him and being an amazing wife, and then mother, that I forgot about what made me happy. I believe I let some things that I once enjoyed, like spending time with friends and certain hobbies, fall to the wayside because I was so engrossed in being perfect for him. Now, as a 40 year old widow who’s back on the dating scene, but only now as a single mom, there are some things I am just unwilling to put up with. I’m very different now at 40 than I was when I met my husband at 26, and any man who I allow to enter my life is going to have to come correct. My tragic situation has made me stronger than I could have ever imagined, since I am by nature a very reserved and non confrontational person. I do want to be married again some day, but that man can’t come in thinking he’s going to mold me into what he wants. You want submissive, that’s in my nature, you want love and tender affection, I’ll give it all day long, if you want home cooked meals 5 days a week, I’m your girl, but I am also going to have me time, girlfriend time, hobby time, and now as a single mom, my kids must take priority. I have met a few interesting men who I’m sure will make a woman very happy and I’m having a hard time believing that 40+ year old men with no children actually exist. That being said, he can’t come in thinking he can “create” anything. I am an educated, mentally stable, financially stable, physically fit, family oriented and professional Christian woman. Your upbringing may not be my upbringing, so some things you deem as unacceptable may be second nature to me. So instead of “creating” me, study me, learn me, understand me, as I study you, learn you, and understand you.
There is nothing that sets one to fail at all levels of a relationship like a person who demands others to meet their so called ” I know better now” reclaimed lives. 99% of the time, such a woman is so bitter and will treat you the way he would have treated the man who hurt her. You will pay for the X’s sins. I for one do not normally go for single moms etc, not that there is anything wrong with them, but i find that’s like buying a second hand vehicle, some look lovely on the paintwork and interior yet the engine was only fixed for a quick sale.Marriage isn’t for everybody, i just love my independence and not being responsible for another’s happiness. I am selfish like that, and i point it out the first day we meet. If you are looking for marriage, there is the door. I will not mislead anybody into thinking i am about that life in order to get some. What i have found out is there are females who want the same as me, and it is stress free. That word which i see used a lot in this article and comments from others – SACRIFICE, i say hell NO.
You sound hurt.
*Raising my hand*LOL…Does this article apply to a 43 yr single, childless, never married Ms. Eastgate? It’s hard for a sister in the DMV. Ha! To be honest, I think I’ve been single and celibate for so long that I’m content with it. I live a very active and fulfilled life, I just don’t have someone to share my experiences with. I know there is no perfect person to fulfill your every want and needs, but at my age I just don’t want to waste my time/patience IJS
I agree!
It’s a little different for Ms. Eastgate. The Ms. Eastgates of the world, all things being equal, are the byproduct multiple Mr. Eastgates et al. The Census Bureau cites there are more women than men in the US. However, since 1980, when the divorce rate hit 50%, the % of men age 45 and older increased from 8% to 20%. This stark increase in men that never married over the last 35 years had a direct impact on the number of black women who never married. There numbers trail the men in the same time period going from 7% to 19%.
Bottom line, as the number of single black men increase, so did the number of single black women. Now, there are a whole lot of sociological, economic, educational, and jurisprudicial reason why the number of black men remained single over the last 35 year, but that’s another article for another day.
People think things happen in a vacuum. Everyone has personal responsibility for the way we our lives, but we live our lives within the context of a larger socio-economic-judicial-legislative-educational system that impact the choices we make in the way we live our lives. So, Ms. Eastgate, your choice to remain single at 43 was made because of the choices and options that were available to you during your 43 year tenure.
I love this.
As the author states, nothing happens in a vacuum and there are outcomes to black men not getting married until later. Their choice and I respect it– and totally understand. Here’s my story:
I loved and dated black men for many years, one man in particular. He was certainly “the one” without a doubt. We were very well matched with the same views about social justice and improving our communities. He wasn’t ready though. I wanted to have a big family and lots of kids, and I was getting older. I broke up with him. I went ahead and married someone else of a different ethnicity who had the same values as I did about having a large family, (I agree with the poster who said that many men feel like marrying young and having a lot of kids is viewed as a financial liability) but not necessarily the same views about social justice.
Over time, sometimes I question my decision. I often feel a little guilty for not producing a strong black family who is giving back and living a purposeful life by contributing our time, money, and efforts back to our communities. Should I have waited for him? I had a friend who did that- she waited a long time but they eventually got married but only had one child. I have three beautiful children but don’t necessarily feel well matched to someone outside my experience. I contribute to social justice through my job, but my focus doesn’t have the same drive because my husband doesn’t necessarily hold the same passion for the cause. (We once got into a huge argument over the amount of money I contributed to Obama’s campaign). But then I look at my never married friends and feel like I did what I had to. Family is so important to me! I’m now almost 40 years old and can’t turn back the clock. I’m committed to my decision and will stand by my husband until death. But sometimes I wonder . . .
BTW- my ex did eventually get married when he was in his early 30s. He and his wife have one child.
Great story! Thank you for sharing. I’ll say this…now, as you approach your 40’s, you’ve reached the level of spiritual and emotional maturity where you have the luxury of looking back over your life and weighing your past decisions. But when you were living in the moment, you didn’t have the luxury of knowing what your future would be.
You made the right decision! And I’m not saying this because I’m valuing having a big family over social justice. I’m saying this because YOU value having a big family over social justice. You followed your instincts and emotions and left dude A to find someone who shared the same values you.
An you found him.
Nonetheless, the luxury you now have of weighting past decision got you doing the woulda-coulda-shoulda 3-step dance with your emotions. You’re questioning whether you would be just as happy…or happier…if you waited for dude A to come around and only have one child.
Stop that! Before I got married, I had to choos between 3 women (long story). The one I chose I’ve been married to for 17 years. We tired but we never had any children. Do I wonder what my life would be like if I chose someone else…who both have children? Yes. But I don’t let myself do the woulda-coulda-shoulda 3-step too long because I might dance myself into being disgruntled with the wonderful wife and happy life we’ve build together.
Do you long to be more socially active? Yes. Do you wish you and your husband had more in common culturally? Of course. But when life presented you with the choice of a big family vs social justice and small family, you chose big family.
Think of it this way…if given the opportunity to be the bomb-mom.com to your brew of kiddies, or Sista Soulja with 1 little soul-jette, which would you pick? You can’t have both. Only pick one. And that will be your life until you die…longings for all. This is how life presents itself to you…to us. We make best decisions base on our values…then we make the best out of our decisions. Be encouraged.
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