What About Marriage?
My entire life I was told to get married and then have children. I assumed that’s how my future would unfold, especially since I focused more on my education and my career than men. Don’t get me wrong. I did date. A lot. I just didn’t settle down and perhaps hit the snooze button on my biological clock. I also focused on my faith and “hoped” to one day abstain.
When some of my friends had children without rings on their fingers, I thought marriage, like a magic wand, would make their problems disappear. I didn’t take into account the logistics needed to get to the altar. At the time, I didn’t think I was pushing my agenda down their throats or judging their decision-making skills. I thought I was being a good friend by giving what I thought to be good advice.
Like the saying goes, you have to walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you can judge them. So when I got pregnant by my boyfriend of nearly three yeas, I got a pair of size nine’s (flats not heels, because by the third trimester, my ankles were swollen!) I still wanted to get married. I wanted to ignore the red flags and walk down the aisle clutching a bouquet full of doubts. I didn’t want to change or put in additional work. Heck, I was already exhausted, and my iron level dropped daily. I loved the father, and that’s all that mattered, right? Wrong! We broke up during my second trimester. Well, actually, I got dumped”...over the phone. Last week, he married someone else.
Heartbreak
After many months and many tears, I realized that what may be “ideal” isn’t always realistic. Sometimes you have to make the best out of your situation, even if that means parenting under different roofs and maybe marrying someone else. I had days when I cried, cursed and screamed. I had weeks when I went on and on about my daughter’s father, trying to figure out why he wasn’t the person I wanted him to be and vice versa. I had months feeling as though someone stabbed me in my heart. I also had family and friends who listened, but only to a certain extent. They wouldn’t RSVP to my pity party. They told me the truth even if it opposed my rant of the day. They repeated that I was an excellent mother, a beautiful woman and a child of God.
Forgiveness
Meanwhile, I had to forgive my daughter’s father. And not that, “I forgive you, but I’ll never forget” nonsense, but true forgiveness. The thing about forgiveness is it’s selfish. Doesn’t seem like it, right? But you’re not doing the other person a favor. You’re the one who heals. You’re no longer angry, bitter, confused, depressed, exhausted, furious””you get the point. I can probably come up with an adjective for every letter of the alphabet. Do you still get upset after you forgive someone? Of course you can! But it no longer consumes you. You learn to let ago. I refuse to be one of those women who never gets over an ex.
And don’t just forgive the other person. Forgive yourself! For a long time, I felt embarrassed about not being engaged. I didn’t announce my breakup to anyone other than close friends and family members. I would even hide my ring finger at the grocery store to avoid dirty looks from the people in the frozen food section, I guess. It sounds silly now that I think about it!
I also felt guilty for moving to another state and not raising our daughter in the traditional two-parent home I experienced. (Well, that’s no longer tradition. I’m only one of 13.6 million single parents in the U.S.) Then, I compared myself to the other woman and wondered why she got a rock and I didn’t. I wanted to call her, email her or Facebook stalk her. But I didn’t. How would that change the past? It would hinder my future. I would become vindictive or envious””both words never used to describe me. I realized it didn’t matter if I am better than her, prettier than her, smarter than her or the other way around. In fact, no one is “better” than another human being. It’s about personal preference. My father once told me that love isn’t about a person’s positive characteristics. It’s about the negative ones you can tolerate. Do you love someone enough to see their flaws as beauty marks? Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you anticipated. And sometimes, it may even give you more than you ever hoped, dreamed or imagined.
The Future
Someone once asked me, “Why are you so afraid of letting go of something which will be replaced with so much more?” Please note, this question was posed years before and not in reference to this subject. Recently, I remembered that conversation. Not in the sense that another man is much more, but in the sense that you must let go of the past and trust God to free up space for something/someone else in your future.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I use my energy to focus on my baby. In the big picture, she is what matters most. I am charged with loving her, guiding her, caring for her and protecting her. That allowed me to get over not having an “ideal” life. I even wonder: who says my life isn’t ideal? I’m happy, healthy and blessed to be a mother. My friends and family didn’t judge me, and more importantly, neither did God. After all, He forgave me. It wouldn’t make sense to condemn myself. This is my truth. Although my ex and I are no longer good for each other, we are good for our daughter. My situation isn’t perfect, but the result””my little girl””is.
BMWK – How have you redefined the definition of family? How has forgiveness helped you heal? What do you do when things don’t work out as planned?
Great story.. Peace & Blessings…
Hi Heather,
You tell the story of so many women. While being a single mom may not have been the plan you’ll be amazed at how well things workout. My son is now 17 years old. We faced a number of challenges but far less than parents who did not have the financial benefit of a college education. I married for the first time when he was 13 years old. Today we’re preparing a happy, healthy, faith filled, intelligent and well adjusted young man for college. We’re ecstatic about our blended family! Life is good. We serve an AWESOME God!!
ReLee is correct. Heather, your story is the most common of all. Before I became pregnant with my son, I thought I knew what single mothers were. I stereotyped them based on images I saw on tv. Then my world changed when “she” became “ME”. I applaud you for sharing your story. The pain of rejection does heal in time and often rejection is our protection. There are days I still wonder why I wasn’t good enough for my son and daughter’s father (yep, we had two children together) but with the help of the Lord, family and spiritual leaders, I realize that one man cannot determine my value. Sending my children away to their dad every other weekend is one of the toughest things I have to do. Their questions, their confusion, and their pain is also tough to see. If anything, women like you, ReLee, and myself can put a REAL face on single motherhood and wipe the stereotypes and mis- conceptions out of the minds of women who are heading down this road. Blessings to you and your precious daughter.
It always trips me out when people get pregnant outside of wedlock act like it’s something that just happened. Whether you in the burbs or the ghetto, in the penthouse or a half way house, if you having sex outside of wedlock , you will probably get pregnant! That’s what it’s for, so if you think you can be in a sexual long term relationship and not get pregnant, you are fooling yourself. Women need to take all the things that they ate up in the feminist movement go to the toilet and take a dump, and flush the backword theology down the toilet. You are made to bear children and are inclined to having a mate to raise them. Stop thinking you can be like men and grow up go to college get a career all while having sex on demand. Grow up get married bare kids and have all the sex you want with the man that’s committed to you! Marriage first then children! Let the career work it’s way around that paradigm not the other way around.
While I think this is a bit harsh (and I think people — men in particular — put way too much emphasis on feminism when they often benefit from it), I have to agree with your first sentence.
These types of stories don’t “just happen.” They especially don’t happen with more than one child from the same man. Birth control is very reliable if taken correctly and if used diligently. Most people I’ve encountered who had an unplanned pregnancy will later admit that they were not as “on point” with the birth control as they claimed. They might have said no to condoms “just once” or skipped a few pills.
But that’s not really the point. The bigger issue is that women need to do a better job picking potential husbands, not just boyfriends. A boyfriend of nearly three years who was truly husband material wouldn’t have left in the woman’s second trimester. A marriage-minded boyfriend wouldn’t have had two kids with a woman without being married to her. Thinking that “love” is all that matters is why this didn’t work out as planned — because you really didn’t plan for marriage first. You saw red flags before you got pregnant, but stayed with this man. That’s the problem.
Obviously, this is all water under the bridge now and you have to go forward and raise your child to the best of your ability. I wish you the best in that effort. That being said, I wish women would stop doing themselves a disservice by acting like they had no control over the situation in the first place. When you simply “have a boyfriend” or are “in love,” but have no plan for marriage, this is often the outcome. It’s not random, and it doesn’t just happen.
Ioe, I agree with your comment. Too often when a so called professional gets caught out there, their actions always try to be justified away. It is no secret that if you are having sex outside of marriage and get pregnant, it is NO accident! In today’s world there are far too many methods to avoid pregnancy if one just has to have sex. Thinking that a man will marry their sex partner just because she gets pregnant went out with button shoes! The sad reality is that the child ALWAYS has to suffer. PERIOD! That has and will not ever change.
I don’t think being a professional factors into the likelihood of getting pregnant. Your job/education isn’t a form of birth control:) So, it’s no surprise that the plastic test stick turns pink. You take precautions, but nothing is 100% safe, unless you are abstaining from sex. Although you’re not surprised you are with child (and perhaps it is even a child you planned to have), you may be surprised that your child’s father isn’t the man you want to marry (or the man who wants to marry you). You are correct. Thinking a man will marry their sex partner just because she’s pregnant isn’t very smart.
Marrying him because you have a kid together can do more harm than good. However, I disagree about the child being the one who always suffers. There are healthy, happy adults who grew up in blended families or single parent households. Even those in married homes have their issues. Is it better for a married couple to raise children when the father is always at work and never at home? What about the dad who cheats on his wife? Or the one who hits her? What about the couple who argues in front of their kids and belittles each other? What about the father who is away at war and isn’t raising his children by no fault of his own? The couple who live/work in different states due to the poor economy? Or the father who dies of cancer or is killed in a car crash? A married couple doesn’t automatically add up to better parents. Fortunately, there are sites such as this for people to discuss how to have a successful, long-lasting union and what to look for before you walk down the aisle. Relationships lead to growth, wisdom, understanding, etc. Along the way, you have to trust that God will direct your path and give you the confidence, courage and know how to turn lemons into lemonade. (Bruce, there’s no justification. I fell in love and had a beautiful daughter as a result. Along the way, we changed our minds. Would rather do so sooner than later. Thank you for giving a man’s perspective! And thank you to everyone who added to this string of comments. Everyone can’t agree! Or else we would all be the same!)
True, I luv it! Being I did it the other way around, I wish sum1 would have spoken this to me 20yrs ago…I’m blessed I made it but the harsh reality is I should’ve done it in the confines of a marriage! Point Blank Period!
GOD BLESS YOU… cause just listening to your story pissed me off and made me wanna slap the fire outta ole dude. LOL! Thankfully I’ve never had that experience, God says he won’t put any more on you than you can bear. I would have probably failed that one and been parenting from prison… 3 years?! I know good women who have had the dude they were with break up with them and marry somebody else…in a short period of time.. smh.. WHEW! Happy it worked out for you 🙂
Fortunately, I married my son’t father when our son was three. However, I do touch and agree with a lot of what was written in the article. I too did not want to have a child before getting married. However, my husband never considered marriage until he met me. He did not want to get married without knowing we could have a child together. It was very important to him and actually part of his culture. He didn’t know any different. Sometimes your “standards” on certain things may not be your significant other’s standards. For some men, their children were not planned just a result of sex. I was an avid user of my birth control pills. However, I knew that my husband was going to be my husband and the father of my children. I wasn’t getting any younger and I knew I also wanted to be a mother and his wife.
Loe’s comments were very harsh. Everyone’s story/situation is not the same and defintely not always storybook perfect. While it is the woman’s body and primarily her responsibilty of whether or not she will be a mother. She is also in a relationship with someone and she takes his input into consideration as well.
Thank you Cherise for your honesty and transparency! That’s interesting about his cultural expectation. Learn something new everyday! Thanks for sharing!
What was harsh about my comment? Seems we always want to spare peoples feelings, it’s time out for all that. Sometimes the truth hurts , patting somebody when they mess up and sprinkling sugar on you know what doesn’t make anything better and does no good towards teaching the next generation. Doing all this justifying and seeing the bright sideonly insures that bad behavior will continue and increase. Treating single mothers like their victims of circumstance only perpetuates the problem. Also we are now becoming a society of people who can’t honestly critique themselves and unable to take constructive criticism. Until we stop excusing our own bad behavior and own up to it as such we will continue to go down this road to destruction, no matter how nice we want to be about it!
We are ALL in a cycle of growth. . . It’s most beneficial when you embrace it. Maybe not on this particular topic but I’m certain you have fallen short of perfection in certain areas of your life. . . when you can have compassion for others. . . you learn much quicker and move on to the next cycle. . . don’t get in your own way.
~Many blessings 🙂
Thanks for the support! After reading some of the comments, I second guessed if I should have exposed myself and shared my story. (This is my first personal post:) But I know that my experience will help other women, perhaps give them the courage or strength they need to raise a child outside of a marriage. Or, maybe my words will help someone forgive another person and move on with life. I will say, that you may not plan to have a child out of wedlock (or plan to prevent it), but you can plan to provide the baby with a wonderful life once he/she arrives. I also know people who did plan to marry (myself included) or did marry before having children and things didn’t work out. They say when people plan, God laughs. So, I believe all things happen for a reason. My joy outweighs my pain:) And that pain made me a better person and made me a mom–the greatest gift I ever received. Looking back, I cherish the child more than a ring, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to walk down the aisle one day. Thank you again for taking time to comment on the story, and I wish you all the very best in life! Looking forward to hearing from you all on my future articles.
Very well written Heather. I am a single mother, but yet a married woman. A marriage is not the ends all to life. There are many relationships that begin with the desire to one day be a Married couple, sometimes things just happen! I love the “when people plan, God laughs” that’s so great. We can plan all we want fact is God will place in order what he sees fit. Everyone doesn’t have what it takes to stand alone…
Heather, I do appreciate you putting yourself out there with such a personal story. I know it’s easier said than done.
That being said, I must say that the “God laughs” at people’s plan is such an overused cliche that’s often brought out to justify poor planning or a total lack of planning. The bad choices that WE make are what put ourselves in such positions. If we planned things in order the way God intended, we would not find ourselves pregnant and unmarried. God did not order that and God would not laugh at such a plan created in His order.
I appreciate that you and others are working to make the best of your situation, but I’m uncomfortable with the justifications here (by many of the commenters) about unwed motherhood being just something that happened or that things “just didn’t work out.” No, a series of personal choices led to this situation happening, and perhaps if we looked in the mirror more and admitted the role we played in this, a real lesson might be learned. Because right now, all I’m seeing is a lot of “oh wells” and excuses made in God’s name. While God loves us all, this is not part of his plan for his children.
Most definitely! We, whether married or single, should think about our actions/decisions. You’re right in saying that God created a certain order. If I followed those rules, I would not have experienced this pain, but I would not have experienced such growth–and most of all–the joys of motherhood. Did I think I would wait to get married to have kids? Yes. Did that happen? Nope. So I had to make adjustments. When you go off course, your GPS navigates you back on the right road. I think God doesn’t leave your side either when you detour from His plan. He helps you pick up the pieces and possibly prevent others from taking the same journey. I won’t justify my actions. I’m human. I made mistakes (I didn’t “make” a mistake if that makes sense:) I learned that life isn’t perfect. Neither am I. I learned not to judge others, because everyone has their problems/obstacles to overcome.
So, it’s not about a lack of planning. Sometimes we plan with our heart and not our heads when we need to factor in both. I thank God that He is a God of second chances. He works things out for my greater good. I now have a great job, a new business and amazing writing opportunities due to what one may consider initial poor planning. Don’t make excuses, don’t justify your actions. Make peace, forgive and move into your divine destiny!
That’s very fair and I agree with all of what you said. I certainly believe in forgiveness (from God and forgiving ourselves) and moving on to make the best of the situation at hand. I’m certainly not a single mother basher… if I have contempt for anyone, it’s the fathers who leave, not the mothers who raise the children! But anyway, I just hope that when we make whatever choices we do, we also hold ourselves accountable for when we make mistakes and don’t just brush them off. That’s what concerns me at times with articles and comments on this topic, because procreation and raising children are serious business, and none of us can afford to play around when it comes to creating human life. We’ll do the best we can with the children we have already, but we can also encourage others to really follow God’s word, use our hearts AND our brains and make good choices when we’re dealing with men so this situation doesn’t repeat itself (or happen for the first time to a woman who is not yet a mother). That’s all I’m asking from anyone… just for some personal accountability along with the forgiveness and growth! I look forward to your future articles.
Yes! I totally agree. Unfortunately, some women are scorn and blame the man who abandoned them, abused them or cheated on them. Not to say the men aren’t at fault at times, but we all must take accountability for our actions. Often, one person is indeed more to blame, but you can’t spend the rest of your life pointing the finger. I know people who are alone and bitter ten years later. Doesn’t hurt anyone but themselves/their children. You have to reflect on what went wrong, what role you played in the situation and how to avoid the same thing from happening again. I heard this morning on TV that when you mess up Plan A, God can create an even better Plan B. So, I hope this dialogue gives people wisdom or hope for a bright future. I am truly blessed! Thanks again for speaking up. I think there is a way of expressing ourselves to lead to understanding not discontentment:)
Thank you for sharing your story. Your experience is actually your testimony. Even though you had a child out of wedlock and sinned like all of us have, God has forgiven you and you have moved on. You are focusing on your daughter and doing an excellent job being a mother. I praise you for forgiving her father because it is important for you all to be able to communicate to give your child the best life possible. I have seen situations where the stepmom has a wonderful relationship with the mother and child. One day God will bless you with your Prince. Your child’s father just was not the man for you, but you got a beautiful blessing out of the relationship. We should not judge anyone, but leave it to our creator in heaven.
Thank you! Your words reconfirm why I write–to share my story and inspire others.
The pictures are beuafitul. Heather you look so in love. Good for you. What a beuafitul couple. The dogs are cute too!!Love the shots by the big tree.
Thank you Heather for sharing your story. I have to say, it was both heartbreaking and inspiring (as were some of the comments made by my fellow posters). Although your situation didn’t work out exactly as you would have liked, we should all know by now that being a child born into a dual parent household doesn’t automatically guarentee that child a life more fortunate, less fortunate, better, or worse than that of a child born into a single parent household and vice versa. As a matter of fact, you can do everything “right” or “in God’s order” and still end up a single parent. In my case, for example, first came love, then came marriage, than came a baby in a baby carriage, and then came divorce . . . who plans for that? I certainly haven’t walked in a mile in your shoes, but like yours . . . these (my) boots were made for walking and that’s just what they’ll do! So whatever happens, in whatever order, all you can do is pick up the pieces and move forward in as positive a manner as possible. From what I read in your story, it sounds like you are trying to do exactly that and THAT is what’s important for you and your child. It seems you learned something about your personal strengths and your weaknesses from your experience and maybe someoneelse will learn something too! Keep striving to be the best you that you can be, so you can be the best mother for your child. May God bless you!
Kudos to you for shouldering up and doing what you have to in order to raise your daughter in a healthy environment. Everyone makes mistakes, or poor decisions but it’s how you recover from them, and what you learn from them that matters most.
Thanks you so much for sharing your story Heather H, it really touched my heart. I think that you are brave for telling your story and I thank God that he has healed and is still healing you. I particularly LOVE what you wrote about forgiveness: “Meanwhile, I had to forgive my daughters father. And not that, “I forgive you, but Ill never forget†nonsense, but true forgiveness. The thing about forgiveness is its selfish.”
Many times I hear my friends talk about forgiving but not forgetting but I truly believe that part of forgiving is forgetting or actively working to forget. Just as God forgive’s us.
Bravo to you and your journey! Keep sharing your experiences as I know they will help those in your same situation.
I have seen way more messed up or children that have suffered as a result of a divorce than singleparenthood. It’s very easy to sit back and judge or offer an opinion from outside of a situation. just like someone mentioned in a prior post, there are so many marriages out there where one parent is still the primary caretaker and due to certain dynamics at work the other parent is not as involved in the rearing of their kids. So please put up your judgemental hats and learn quickly that when you look down your nose at someone else’s situation. . . you or someone you really care about may one day be faced with the sane circumstance. It’s not about sparing feeling it’s about having compassion for others.
Thank you for sharing your journey to motherhood and forgiveness! I enjoyed reading your story and I wish you nothing but the best in the future. It was interesting reading comments because many people make the choice to get pregnant without being married. Who are you to judge and automatically assume people made a “mistake” by becoming pregnant? Life is not always black and white and what may be in the plan for my life may not be in the plan for yours. Again, I wish you the best and I look forward to reading more of your articles!
Thank you Heather for sharing your testimony. “we shall overcome by the Blood of the Lamb AND the word of our testimony,” as you are proving with each new day, you are truly an overcomer! And that inspires me to be an overcomer too. And apparently all these other women who have said so before me. May God continue to bless & keep you and your babygirl. It’s so inspiring how you don’t let the negativity impede your growth. We are confronted every day, and your story is just more evidence of the hope that the LORD puts deep within our hearts and souls. PLEASE keep doing what you’re doing; He is using YOU in a mighty way!!
Thank you Charlie for the kind words! God bless!
Well, I am actually glad to see this informative piece, although I am late by a year. I am a single parent too; however, I married the fool that decided to leave me while pregnant (and I am getting a divorce). Can you share how you went through your journey of forgiveness and not completely wanting to kill him every time his name is mentioned?? It has been 2 years and I am still hurt, confused and angry. Thanks!