Have you been thinking the honeymoon is over? Maybe it has been for a while or maybe it just recently ended. Husbands and wives are finding themselves in a situation where they feel like the person they’re married to now resembles a person they simply share living quarters with. Your romance has turned more into a real estate arrangement. There’s usually one spouse who feels this way, while the other one is completely oblivious. If you’re possibly the oblivious party, here are signs your spouse is your roommate:
5 Signs Your Spouse is Your Roommate
In this article:
- You can’t remember the last time you two talked.
- You’re constantly in different rooms.
- Someone is always coming or going.
- You’re not having regular sex.
- You don’t bother arguing with each other anymore.
You can’t remember the last time you two talked
I’m sure you speak every day. You have to! You probably exchange pleasantries on a regular basis: good morning, good night, be safe, how was your day. When’s the last time the two of you had a conversation, where the both of you were engaged, genuinely interacting, and listening to each other? I’m not talking about fighting, I’m not talking about discussing the kids. Communicate with each other verbally, without interrupting each other.
You’re constantly in two different rooms
Look around. Where’s your significant other? Are you in the living room and he’s in his man cave? Are you in the kitchen and she’s in the bedroom? Are you often in different rooms away from each other? Some would blame it on different taste in television shows. Some would say it’s because they have work to do. I’m not saying you should be under each other all the time, but spending your time away from each other in the same house on a regular basis is not healthy.
Someone’s always coming and going
You work, you’ve got errands to run, your kids have activities, but the constant go go go is a sign you’re your spouse’s roommate. At some point, your schedules should sync up. Each couple should have their friends, but when you’re spending an excessive amount of time out of the house, including staying out late, something’s wrong.
You’re not having regular sex, if you’re having it at all
Sex is a very important part in a marriage, and yet it’s often one of the first things to go when things aren’t going well. Think about the last time you were intimate with your spouse. Has it been days, weeks, or months? When you’re in bed together, what do you do? Is one person reading while another person watches TV? Do you even cuddle anymore? If the sex is gone, not only are you roommates, but now you’re bedmates and that’s no fun.
You don’t bother arguing with each other anymore; you discuss your issues with others
Resentment can easily build if you’re not performing regular maintenance in your relationship. You’re not going to like everything your spouse does, but if you’re discussing it with everyone else but him or her, you have some things to work on. There’s nothing worse than when you’re the last to know about problems in your marriage. If you’ve been telling your parents, your siblings, or your friends about issues you have with your husband or wife, you’re certainly in a roommate capacity rather than a spouse capacity.
Do any of these signs ring any bells? If so, start communicating with your spouse right away about the problems you two are having and start working on things. You’re more than roommates. You’re partners! You’re lovers. You’re friends. You’re in this for the long haul.
BMWK: Are you living with a roommate or a spouse?
Up Next: 5 Signs You Might Be Ungrateful for Your Spouse
Editor’s Note: BMWK originally published this post on January 19, 2012. We have updated it for quality and relevancy.
Wowww…I am living this out right now to the letter.I have said this to my wife even before reading this.I pray for any marriage or relationship that is in this situation.Please take this seriously before it’s too late.
This is definitely serious. Hopefully you and your wife can discuss how this is affecting your relationship, and work on becoming lovers again.
Yes this is serious..those 5 things lead to my divorce. I don’t want anyone to go through that ever!!!
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[email protected]
Name Chris hills
country USA
I understand…I’m living this out also for the past 4 1/2 years and I’ve only been married 5. Yes this is very serious and it takes two to work it out. So its at its end!!!
I am a lady with a baby boy of 4 years that was abandoned by my husband i loved my family so much that i thought this will never happen to me and my baby i tried my best to be a caring and loving wife and mother to my family and also manage my time as a worker, until a intruder turned my joy to pains who took my husband from me in six months, i was in a beauty saloon when i met a lady we got talking and i told her my problems and she made all my pains turn into joy when she introduced me to a black magic doctor called Dr NICE he has been of help to me and baby and to many other men and women he put a smile on your face if you believe and trust him all you have to do is to follow his instructions and all your problems will be solved .you can contact him on this email ([email protected])
THANKS YOU ONCE AGAIN DR NICE
Mrs Eunice from Canada
Everything you said is correct about the signs of a roommate. But some situations are even worse. Some married people live like strangers on an elevator. You’re in the same space, but everyone is doing their own thing. I know because I’m living it right now, after 18 years of marriage. When my husband comes through the door at the end of the day. He ignores me and just talks to the children. I used to greet him from a distance when he was in this moods; but I’ve stopped because I see the pain on my childrens’ faces when he doesn’t respond. In terms of communication, there is none. He usually falls asleep within the hour on the sofa, only to wake up a couple of hours later after the children have washed up and are in bed. Watches T.V. until 3 or 4 in the morning, sleeps on the sofa and goes to work before the children and I wake up. When I do go to the living room after the children have been put to bed to watch t.v. with him, he gets up and goes to the bedroom. I’ve tried staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning, waiting for him to come out of the bedroom to watch more tv, but he never does. I usually go to bed exhausted at 1 or 2, I fall asleep right away. But during the night when I look over to the other side, he’s back in the living room watching tv. At that point I can’t get up I’m tired because its so late. I just try to get a good night sleep because at 6:15 in the morning I have to get myself and 3 children ready for school that begins at 8:00. This is the life I’m living now, but that won’t be that way forever. I had to make a huge sacrifice to stay home to raise my children. Living in America and having 2 African-American boys and 1 girl to raise, is not any easy task. I thought they would have a better advantage if I stayed and guide them. I never thought in a million years after 18 years of marriage I would be in a situation like this. With my children witnessing the dysfunctional marriage, I wonder sometimes if I made the right decision to stay home. If I was working and I was in this bad marital situation, I would have immediately left. I realize that I have to plan to get back to work, talk to my children more about this bad situation; and get myself out of it. Fixing a bad marriage situation usually requires 2 people, never 1. If the other person is not willing to the work then sometimes you have to make the ultimate decision.
I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage Marilyn. It definitely seems as though your husband has completely checked out, and isn’t realizing the effect it’s taking on your children. How long have you been out of work? I know it’s hard to find a job out here, but I know it’s possible to get one. How long have you two been living like this? Was it all of a sudden or a gradual change? I’m praying for you, your marriage, and your children.
We’re praying for your marriage as well Marilyn like Briana said. Have the two of you discussed the impact that this way of living is having on the children who see what’s going on? Have you talked about going to some sort of counseling or marriage education classes?
Your so right Lamar. You took the words right out of my mouth. We alone can’t solve every problem we face. That’s why there’s websites like this and books that give help and examples on help in this situation. The institution of marriage which was created by the origin of love God was established centuries ago. If God wasn’t in the marriage from the beginning your climbing a uphill battle but it’s not impossibe or to late. There was never any mention of going to God in prayer for help. The originator, the author of love, the provider of life and the bond that we share as husband and wife is the only one
Wow Marilyn, my heart broke when I read this. We have a couple things in common, I’ve been married 16 yrs, and I have two daughters that I chose to stay home and raise as well. It was actually what I wanted to do, talked about even before the kids or wedding. I say that to say I know how you feel, like you may have boxed yourself into a corner with that move, but you didn’t. Remember, our most important job is role of mother, so the fact that you sacrificed all for them is something to be proud of.
The roommate article…hate to say it, me and my hubby fit the bill. It’s funny because it comes and goes, so sometimes we are, sometimes we aren’t. I just get tired of the roller coaster and am looking for consistency.
You are not alone, and deserve to be loved and communicated with. So does he. It’s like, as humans we want to be mad at somebody….so we bring that crap home. Home should be where we rush to, because there’s love and understanding there, especially when the big bad world chews us up and spits us out..
I’ll pray for you, you pray for me, and watch God change things!! You look sooo much better when you smile….lol
Wow this is a lot for you to handle Im sure, just on a personal level
within yourself as a woman, as a mom for your children and most
importantly feeling disregarded as a wife!
I too am praying for you as I realize that has to be hard to figure this
all out on your own while caring for school age children. Whatever decision you made for your children at the time, try not to hold any regrets, just work towards making the future a better one for you regardless of how things play out.
I know how you feel, I was there. I don’t know how old your children are but if they are in school you need to get back to working! Once you find a job, you need to get out of this situation. Ether he leaves, or take your children and leave. It is not going to get better. He can’t even allow himself to stay in the same room with you and that screams “it’s over” You seem sort of passive and that is what is keeping the situation status quo. Once you get yourself together, living apart from him, you will be surprised just how much he is going to try and win you back. He may be surprised to see that you don’t want him back!Good luck and get out!!!!!!
Hi Marilyn,
I really felt what was written, I pray that you and your husband make it! But as you said at the end it takes two people to works things out and two to putting in the effort into making things work.
Take care
Marilyn, my heart goes out to you! It actually sounds as though your husband may need MEDICAL attention!
Disassociative behavior is not always due to a lack of love, intimacy or just plain boredom — sometimes it is a very serious symptom of depression! Our men are hard pressed to seek medical help when they are going through “the change”. He may be aware of his behavior and chemically powerless to do anything about it.
Please consider this suggestion — I know it has helped many people that I know.
God bless you guys!
I’m going through same thing…my husband works overnights. 4pm to 1am in morning. He keeps busy all day before work and we barely talk during day unless he has question about something which is rare or if he is getting onto me for sinething missing or broken. We have three little girls he barely talks to. But he doesn’t hesitate to belittle me in how I’m raising them.
Praying for your marriage Marilyn.
This was happening in my marriage and then the revelation of my husbands affair hit the scene and now it seems to be worse. It’s like we are just cohabitating even though we try to talk about the issues we still have this huge dark cloud looming over us. I’m constantly praying that things will change but the hurt runs very deep right now.
I’m so sorry about the discovery of your husband’s affair 🙁 Have you two discussed possibly going to counseling? Sometimes we want to work on things ourselves but need some extra help to get to the bottom of why the affair happened, underlying issues in the marriage, and how to work on strengthening the marriage. I’m praying for you guys!
Wow! Im sorry to hear about each individual situation…it makes me sad…i’m in a relationship now its great. We hv been talking about being married, so I know that’s the next step for us. I hv learned that marriage will not be a bed of roses all the time, but its hurts to know that this may happen to us as well if we arent careful, or if we should start taking each other for granted or just the daily life of ups and down…I read this site to learn to be a better person and have a successful marriage for when I do get married. I will put each of you in my prayer.
Hey Nphatnat, I’m not sure of your age, but we got married young and so alot of growth still had to occur. Children etc. change the dynamic so you do have to be conscious to keep the lines open even when it seems unnecessary, shoot, talk about that if nothing else…just keep talking. I’m sure you’ll be fine & good luck. Friendship is important….
Thanks for reading the site Nphatnat! You’re on the right path by preparing yourself ahead of time. There’s so much that you can learn to increase your marriage by reading what works and what doesn’t in the lives of others. No need to reinvent the wheel.
Are you kidding me, We’ve been working for 28 years to get to this point in our relationship
Im living all five….
I too lived this scenario. But after 4 more-than-two-year separations, I gave him permission to leave. I have never had so much joy! I don’t condone divorce and pray constantly for marriages, but I could not take it any more, especially after they Lord had delivered me from low self-esteem. I realized that I deserved more than that!
I empathise with Marylin’s situation, my mum went through the same thing in her marriage to my father. It was so painful to see her living a miserable life. They never spoke, had friendly conversations or even smiled at each other. He saw other women, sometimes even bringing them into the home when she wasn’t around. My father did a lot of messed up things. I think is why I’m so cautious of relationships and marriage, you make the mistake of getting with wrong person and they can potentially damage your future. Choose carefully folks!
I am living all of them and have already decided its not worth trying to fix anymore…….I never wanted it to be like this but I cant make my husband treat me the way he suppose to 🙁
I lived like this for approximately 4 – 5 years and I left. It wasn’t a marriage and I didn’t want a roommate any longer. It wasn’t fair to the kids, me or him.
I just wanted to add that as someone who is wathcing my parents relationship becoming the same way over the course of years, that it hurts very much to see one’s parents go through this. My parents, having come to this country over 20 years ago, raising us and loving us, have come to this point. And its very obvious to my siblings and I. However, the roles are reversed. Its my mother who the one who doesn’t want to talk to my dad. She works long hours and then comes home and does more work. She doesn’t look excited to see my father or talk to him. She showers us childrens with all the love in the world and doesn’t do the same for my dad. We went out for the 30th anniversary and it was the most painful and awkward event to witness. I keep telling myself that things will get better but I don’t know if they will. My dad is very well educated (two maters degerees and a PHd.) yet the companies he has worked for keep laying him off and the stress of being away from their homeland are things that are cauing a lot of stress in the marriage. As I contiue to witness this, I relalize that my dad wants to fix this. My father loves my mom and my mom refuses to admit that something is wrong. I almost think it is better that they live as roomates than to fix it. This is part of the reason I don’t want to get married. I feel that I will be the same way as my mother. I can’t do that to another person. My advice is to try again and set a time limt in which you will put in all your effort o fixing the relationship then after that, I would leave and move on. why continue to suffer and do this for your children when as you have stated your children are wathcing your suffer.
Its strange how there is two side to
every story.
Ive been married to a beautiful,
bright 44 year old woman for 19 years. She stayed home to raise our three
daughters, while I would get up at 5 AM every morning and go to work to provide
for our family and to build a pension for my wife and I so we could travel and
have time together after we retired.
That was the plan; reality is becoming
something totally different.
Some people dismiss the importance of
intimacy, romance, affection, respect and most importantly for a guy, sex, in a
relationship.
Every time a spouse says “Im too
tired†when the other is trying to be intimate, every time a spouse says no to
sexual advances, is a slap in a mans/womans face. After marriage, sex became a once a month
occurrence, then after each child was born, it occurred less and less. Its to
a point now that we may have sex once a year, if that, it think it was 18
months last year.
I got to a point that I couldnt sleep
next to her, if Im close I want to touch her, even if its not sexually, I
cant fall asleep. Tossing and turning and worried Id keep her awake, I
started sleep on the couch. Its to a point now that I have my own bed. It took
many years to get to this stage hoping she would change, but Im heart broken.
She was never a touching person; she
comes from a family who arent into hugs and such. For me that was odd.
Ive come to the realization, she
doesnt want me. She wants me to provide
money to keep the house, to fix the things that break around the house, to
drive the kids here and there. I cook dinner several times a week, vacuum the
house nearly every weekend, empty and load the dishwasher, so the wives that
think I sit around and watch sports all day and ignore her needs, think again. I
dont like watch sports. Yes, after a 10 or 12 hour shift, I am tired when I
get home, I do have to sit and relax and decompress, but its not all the time.
Thats 14 to 16 hours from the start of my day, doing a very stressful job till
Im home to sit down.
Ive tried romancing and dating, but
we cant afford a lavish lifestyle of dinners out every week. I bring her
flowers on random occasions just to say thank you, I love you, it doesnt make
a difference.
She blames out of control debt is
causing her stress, therefore the lack of intimacy. Yet she wont change her
spending habits. Compared to most people, we have very little debt, so this is
a lame excuse.
Just recently, my oldest daughter and
she made fun of me together, basically tearing any male hood of me left out of
my soul. Respect, dont get any. Im the invisible dad.
So its now to a point that I am the
“guy who lives in the house†with three kids and a woman.
Ive never cheated on her, dont know
if shes cheated on me, dont think so, but she is 44, still very attractive
and other men do look at her.
So… when Marilyn is there trying to figure out why he is on the couch,
look deeper at one self. Being a good mother is very important, but being a
wife is just as important. A man wants to be loved, admired, respected and when
a wife is too busy, too tired, too stressed to care, to say I love you, to have
sex with her husband, he may get to the same point that I have reached.
I dont
want to have sex anymore with my wife; when we have sex, it just makes me want
to have more, miss it more, frustrated and angry. As I dont want to be angry,
the best solution is stop completely. The best solution, sleep in my own bed.
I love
my wife, I find her attractive, sexy and a good mother, and I dont want a
divorce.
There
is the guys side of it, not easy for a guy to say.
Now both sides of the coin are on the table.
TK your situation sounds a lot like mine (except the insult part, and some difference in hours). In my case she says the lack of sex (currently ten months) is because she doesn’t feel she’s what I want. So all the attention, going out when we can, the gifts, the roof overhead, spending virtually all my free time with her means nothing because of what she feels. That’s such an ephemeral goal to meet that I’m at a loss for new ideas. This is a second marriage, and I’m about ready to stop beating my head against the wall and just be on my own. At least then I’d be free to actually pursue sexual relations rather than sitting in the time-out box.
Note: my first spouse died a few months after our 17th anniversary in 2001.
Its strange how there is two side to every story.
Ive been married to a beautiful, bright 44 year old woman for 19 years. She stayed home to raise our three daughters, while I would get up at 5 AM every morning and go to work to provide for our family and to build a pension for my wife and I so we could travel and
have time together after we retired.
That was the plan; reality is becoming something totally different.
Some people dismiss the importance of
intimacy, romance, affection, respect and most importantly for a guy, sex, in a
relationship.
Every time a spouse says “Im too tired†when the other is trying to be intimate, every time a spouse says no to sexual advances, is a slap in a mans/womans face. After marriage, sex became a once a month occurrence, then after each child was born, it occurred less and less. Its to a point now that we may have sex once a year, if that, it think it was 18 months last year.
I got to a point that I couldnt sleep next to her, if Im close I want to touch her, even if its not sexually, I cant fall asleep. Tossing and turning and worried Id keep her awake, I started sleep on the couch. Its to a point now that I have my own bed. It took many years to get to this stage hoping she would change, but Im heart broken.
She was never a touching person; she comes from a family who arent into hugs and such. For me that was odd.
Ive come to the realization, she doesnt want me. She wants me to provide
money to keep the house, to fix the things that break around the house, to
drive the kids here and there. I cook dinner several times a week, vacuum the
house nearly every weekend, empty and load the dishwasher, so the wives that
think I sit around and watch sports all day and ignore her needs, think again. I
dont like watch sports. Yes, after a 10 or 12 hour shift, I am tired when I
get home, I do have to sit and relax and decompress, but its not all the time.
Thats 14 to 16 hours from the start of my day, doing a very stressful job till
Im home to sit down.
Ive tried romancing and dating, but we cant afford a lavish lifestyle of dinners out every week. I bring her flowers on random occasions just to say thank you, I love you, it doesnt make a difference.
She blames out of control debt is causing her stress, therefore the lack of intimacy. Yet she wont change her spending habits. Compared to most people, we have very little debt, so this is a lame excuse.
Just recently, my oldest daughter and she made fun of me together, basically tearing any male hood of me left out of my soul. Respect, dont get any. Im the invisible dad.
So its now to a point that I am the “guy who lives in the house†with three kids and a woman.
Ive never cheated on her, dont know if shes cheated on me, dont think so, but she is 44, still very attractive and other men do look at her.
So… when Marilyn is there trying to figure out why he is on the couch,
look deeper at one self. Being a good mother is very important, but being a
wife is just as important. A man wants to be loved, admired, respected and when
a wife is too busy, too tired, too stressed to care, to say I love you, to have
sex with her husband, he may get to the same point that I have reached.
I dont want to have sex anymore with my wife; when we have sex, it just makes me want
to have more, miss it more, frustrated and angry. As I dont want to be angry,
the best solution is stop completely. The best solution, sleep in my own bed.
I love my wife, I find her attractive, sexy and a good mother, and I dont want a
divorce.
There is the guys side of it, not easy for a guy to say.
Very insightful.
This is very sad to say but my husband and I have a few of those points…Definately not a good sign. Thank you for the heads up. I am.going to have home read this blog and see what he says about our situation. We have been married for almost 5years and we have 2 children. Life is busy but we have to fix this soon.
Wow! It hurts my heart to see all of this. But I want to give you all some hope. It does change and it can get better. My husband and I lived like this for a LONG time, he and I didn’t do much together. He disregarded me and took me for granted. We were bedmates and roommates. He didn’t work, while I held down multiple jobs to keep us afloat. I used to always tell him, I loved him enough to practically lose my job and you can’t care enough to get 1!”
I was overwhelmed and depressed. I would have spurts of strength and he’d fall in line. And it was during one of those times that I got pregnant. He flat-out lost his mind then; he stopped coming home, cheated, spent money, all of it. And i let him go. After he and his mistress split he tried to come back….but I wasn’t having it.
I laid out a list of demands and told him he had to meet EVERY single one, no exceptions. Before he could change I had to. I’m staying home with our son, and working for myself. I make decent money and I’m pulling myself up to a point I haven’t seen since we we’ree first together. My focus is on the Source, the Almighty, God. I’m not worried about my husband, he has to answer to another Being. I just follow the instructions I’ve been given. I no longer believe suffering is part of my spiritual process, I no longer believe this is my forever. In fact, i see how my changes throw him off and confuse him, but he’s conforming because I know my worth now and teach him how to treat me.
He may never change, but I have and I won’t stand for foolishness anymore. The life I said I wanted is the life I’m finally on my way to living. It gets better, but don’t expect it from him – start with you.
Some helpful resources for me:
This blog
Support groups for stay-at-home moms of color
Deal breakers by Bethany Marshall, Ph.D.
Actually, it IS your parents’ fault by Bernie Katz, Ph.D.
Blogging/journaling – writing about my experiences and the feelings associated with those feelings, then reflecting on them and deciding next steps.
Good luck to all of you, I’ll be praying for us all.
This article is starting to be my marriage. This saddens me. But I Believe God and He can do the impossible! Thank you for this article. Praying with everyone who commented.
This is my marriage now. We were married before and divorced. We tried it again and it’s even worse this time. I want my boys to grow up with their dad but is it worth my peace of mind? I love him and I have always loved him but I love me and my kids more. Is that wrong?
Just worried that we wont be able to come back from this this time.
Wow! Its really sad that we have to see things like this going on so rampantly. What happened to working on marriages? What happened to giving of ourselves? What happened to the vows we took before God? We got all wrapped up in ourselves and what WE felt or wanted and forgot about the requirements of giving in the marriage! I pray for all of the people here that are hurting that God will move in your favor. Marriage is work but it also is a blessing and blessings shouldn’t feel like suffering!
I have been married for 8yrs now my wife had went through some rough patche. We got marry for the wrong reasons. I only marry her to keep her from going to job corp. The night after we got marry there were no wedding night, it took two months after we got marry before we had sex. I stay so long with her trying to make a hopeless relationship work, in 2006 (2yrs being married) i decided to end the marriage but to my surprise she was pregnant with my firat born. So instead of getting an divorce and move on my way i brought an house for my growing family.i try everything in my powers to make itwork between us durinv her preg
I have been married for 8yrs now my wife had went through some rough patche. We got marry for the wrong reasons. I only marry her to keep her from going to job corp. The night after we got marry there were no wedding night, it took two months after we got marry before we had sex. I stay so long with her trying to make a hopeless relationship work, in 2006 (2yrs being married) i decided to end the marriage but to my surpris she was pregnant with my firat born. So instead of getting an divorce and move on my way i brought an house for my growing family. I try everything in my powers to make it work between us during and after her pregnancy the more i try the more i fail so in 2009 i stop caring and only worry about my son. Since 2010 she begin to care about me but i gave up trying . My son lives with me now i do everthing for him ever since he been born. Her jealousy over our son, my friends, and my family push me away. I’m not divorce but I’m about to get one. My new lady in my life in my old high school sweetheart and she help me in every way how to be a better parent to my son. What i learned from being marry is to listen to your first mind and you never know a person until you live with them.
Just a bit of advice from someone who has learned better.
1. @Marilyn, if the two of you did not decide that you should stay home to raise your children, your husband might be resentful.
2. Before you decide to leave, try to get a third party to help: counselor, pastor — somebody.
3. Whatever you do, don’t have an adult conversation about your husband with your children: talk to your mom or trusted friends (but be careful, some women can’t wait for you to leave). He is still their father.
4. @Anonymous, don’t allow children you raised to disrespect you with ANYONE (not even their moms). You should have let your daughter know that you were disappointed in her lack of respect for her elder.
5. Sometimes there are medical reasons why women don’t want intimacy frequently. Sometimes it’s technique or the lack thereof. Just a thought. There’s help for that too.
6. Ladies/men, since when did you forget how to seduce your spouse? Woman-up/man-up, then learn how to share power in your conversations and lives.
7. Finally, pray TOGETHER for each other — ALOUD (or maybe that should have been first).
I don’t know if I’ll do better next time, but I am hopeful. Pray for me.
TK, I feel your pain. I’m a woman and have only been married for 4 yrs. My husband and I might have sex once a month, but there’s always an excuse why he can’t. He’ll start an argument or push me away, or tell me I stink because he smells cigarette smoke on me. I try to take a shower and brushing my teeth before approaching him, but he turns away. ( I started smoking because of the stress/depression of the marriage) I try to touch him intimately and his body doesn’t respond. He cheated on me 2 yrs into the marriage and unfortunately he told me enough times that he didn’t want to have sex with me and to go be with someone else, so I then cheated as well. I know 2 wrongs don’t it right, but I’m so lonely. I feel unattractive, and I cry most every night wondering if I can live my life like this. Usually he doesn’t sleep with me because he doesn’t want to wake me up (he snores really loudly). I didn’t say all of this to say he is horrible, because he does buy me gifts, goes grocery shopping, buys me flowers and etc. The problem is that I don’t need or want him to buy me anything. I want and need kindness, love and affection. He tells me giving me things is how he shows he loves me. I think my husband loves me the best way he knows how, but I’m so lonely and wonder how I can spend the rest of my life with my husband who’s more like a brother than a lover. I’m so very sad.
My husband and I have been married 8 years. We have been having big argument and talks lately. He works a night shift so he is always sleeping during the day. He has said that is part of the problem. We have 2 young kids and I decided to stay at home with them till they were school age. That was another problem. So I got a job. And that led to him having to much responsibility so he begged me to quit. And I did. We have moved multiple times for his job. Because he is never happy where he ends up, and I always say I want him to be happy. He’s always on the phne texting his friends when he is with us, he said he won’t feel bad about having friends. He always tells our problems to his friends, not his friends that I know. So that way they won’t tell me about it and ask me anything. And that way he doesn’t have to feel bad because they don’t know anything about me. I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like I am just filling a spot. He says he hasn’t been happy for years. When we have a conversation about anything he makes me feel horrible for having an opinion. He gives me thes looks of disgust that he thinks I don’t see. And makes it seem like I’m just being dramatic because I get upset when he flips out. When we do talk, its just about crap. Its not anything deep or anything. I’m just someone he can complain about. I don’t tell friends or family my problems. I don’t want them in our marriage. But he has no problem with that. He won’t talk to me if their is a problem, just the friends that don’t know anything about me except what he says. I’ve really been contemplating a divorce. I feel like he only stays for the kids, he doesn’t want them in a broken home. How fair is that to me? I feel like I don’t know him. This man is not the man I married. The man I married cared about how I felt.
We do have sex. But it actually feels like he is visualizing another person when we are having sex. So yeah, that makes me feel wonderful.
I lived a few of these. What I noticed in all the comments. The person who felt disconnected didn’t say the told the other spouse how they felt and why. My wife didn’t tell me untill she said it was too late to do anything. I never had a clue. Sh
I lived a few of these. What I noticed in all the comments. The person who felt disconnected didn’t say they told the other spouse how they felt and why. My wife didn’t tell me untill she said it was too late to do anything. I never had a clue. She says you should have known everyone else could tell or i shouldn’t have to tell you or I’ve always had a problems expressing my emotions. Only after reading here I can see what she may have been upset about.
I made the worst mistake getting married 9 years ago. Sorry to sound like this, but I’m frustrated. If I can go back in time that would be the first thing I would erase. I never knew I could hate someone so much. Ill finally seek advice on divorc. Then start my life over again. What will hurt me the most is not being able to see and be there for my son 24/7 like how it is now.
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Omg u have just described my marrige I am 20 years old and bin married for 3 years we not ad sex proper since our son thats nealy 2 but we not dun it atall in 5 months no cuddles kisses ect I dont no what to do! We dont argue we just live sepret lives I wanted to do it for month n now I dont like the idea ov it it feels rong to think ov it think I started think ov him like wear brother and sister
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I can understand what your saying.We don’t even say hello anymore. I can’t even tell you the lasted time we watch T.V together. Usally, I’m in the front room husband in the bedroom. There was a time I did tried my married. Not no more. I dont even fight anymore. I have nothing left to give. I just get up and go.
How about being called a different name. Or knowing he not into you.
I wish I had seen this sooner – now its too late for my family and I am devastated. My son gets to grow up without a father and a mother who has to work all the time to make up for the loss. Why didn’t someone take me aside and tell me that my marriage was in trouble and that I needed to do something about it right away? I was oblivious to the fact that my husband was so unhappy that he was considering leaving. He never even brought it up! I kept trying to get him to open up -to stick around and not run out the door to be with his “friends”. I stood by him through so much – and realize that he is human, but perhaps I needed to tell him I appreciated him more. Now it is too late – he abandoned both myself and my son – and we don’t hear from him – he hasn’t seen his son in 3 years!! I have come to since find out that there is another woman – who was also married -and they both divorced and are now living together around the block from us – and he can’t even bother to call and see how our son is doing? I didn’t want sex with him and found him unappealing for some time – mostly because he seemed so checked out and grumpy all the time – but I see now that the sex may have helped. Perhaps that is why he took up with someone else? I’m too ‘boring’ – responsible – not exciting enough in bed? He said he had to go elsewhere to have his “fun”. When do I get to be forgiven now that I have to work two jobs and do everything and have no life – because of his choices?