by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Following the two-day star-studded farewell spectacular that took place at the United Center, Oprah and her team decided on a measured, inspiring hour that tried to  encapsulate all that Oprah has learned in her 25 years of doing the show. She stood tall and regal in her pink dress (I seriously want to know the designer) and spoke carefully, pointedly. She was kind, gracious, wise.

She dropped an insane amount of knowledge on her audience, reflecting on self-worth, the importance of finding our passion, and the one thing that everyone she has ever met has in common. I wrote down some of her gems as she spoke, and I found that “what Oprah knows for sure” is applicable to each of us as we try our best to have the best marriages possible.

“You’re responsible for the energy you create for yourself and the energy you bring to others.”

Energy, huh, Oprah? An intriguing concept, but as Oprah laid it out it made complete sense to me. How often do we lose sight of the fact that our marriage, our home, our mere presence should be a sanctuary for our spouses? With us is the place they should feel safest, the most free to be themselves. Instead we let too much of the “other stuff” cloud the real picture. We need to continue to be aware of the energy surrounding us. When you see your spouse after an absence, embrace each other. Give each other a kiss. Set the tone so they know that when they’re with you, they can let down their guard. They are safe with you.

“Don’t wait for somebody else to fix you, to save you or complete you… Jerry MacGuire was just a movie. No one completes you but you.”

All too often we’re looking to be made whole by our marriages. We want that other person to address all the wrongs we suffered long before we knew them, to soothe our hurts, to be everything we ever wanted in a partner. But we need to address our own issues before we can join in a union with anyone else. We need to heal from the pain of yesterday to become a fully present participant in the here and now. It is beautiful when two people come together to form a family of their own, but we have to remember that we are only responsible for our own happiness. That’s it.

“There is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and our suffering…unworthiness.  We often block our own blessings because we don’t feel worthy enough.  We all seek validation. Everyone wants to know: Do you see me? Does what I say mean anything to you? Everyone wants to be heard.”

Insecurity has lead to the downfall of many a marriage. At times, it has threatened my own. My inability to trust my husband, to know that he had my best interests at heart, left me teetering on the brink for a while. I just couldn’t trust his words, what he said to me. He loved me? He thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world? I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t see it. I didn’t feel worthy of that kind of love. But while I didn’t feel worthy, I still craved it. I still wanted him to love me and know that I loved him too. I wanted to matter to someone – why not this wonderful man? In relationships, our baggage can drag us down. But we need to unpack that negative energy and release it, for it has no place in a healthy relationship.

“I wait and I listen to the guidance that is bigger than my meager mind.”

Here Oprah began to talk about her faith and how God speaks to her when she’s on the cusp of an important decision. She defers to God and knows that with Him guiding her, her steps will be in the right direction. In relationships, we need to know that sometimes (most of the time) we don’t know the right answer. We don’t know everything. We can’t possibly know what the right step is all the time. We need to take a deep breath, close our eyes and let our decisions be made clear to us. When we act out of anger or fear or defensiveness, it doesn’t work. It leads us astray.

Did you watch Oprah’s last show? Did it speak to you in a big way like it did for me?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of  Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave.  Follow her on Twitter or check out  her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.