“I sleep on the sofa and my wife sleeps with the kids.” ~Anonymous Husband
As a mother, I understand the instinct to want to sleep with your children. But as a wife, I also understand the need to keep the marriage bed sacred and to be attentive to my husband. When my daughter was a newborn she slept in the bassinet beside our bed, but slowly and surely, we migrated her to a crib in the nursery down the hall. For parents who have preemies and children with special needs, bedtime rituals are based on the safety of the child. However, in a lot of homes, children are sleeping with parents when they should be sleeping in their own beds.
I am a firm believer in the two-bed model: there is the parent bed and the child bed.
Now that my daughter is almost 6 years old, I am grateful that we trained her, rather relentlessly, to feel secure in her bedroom. Don’t get me wrong. She’s just like any other child. She will try to con or sneak her way into our room if we aren’t careful. Occasionally, we oblige her, but we never allow her to make our bed her new home. After my cousin told me that her 8-year-old was still sleeping in her and her husband’s bed, I vowed that would not happen in my house. Cuddle time in the family bed is cool, and an occasional visitation when a child is sick can help the healing process. Having consistent sleepovers with your children. . . no way! It’s just not healthy for the parent or for the child to consistently sleep together, regardless of marital status. Here is why:
The marriage bed is a sacred place where God gives you license to love on and even to lust for each other. It’s the place where a husband and a wife share secrets and wipe each others’ tears. It’s the place where memories (and babies) are made and tension is released, where bodies collide and where hearts melt into one. When the kids share your bed, the marriage bed actually becomes defiled (tainted and taken over) by “little people.” It’s no longer the sacred place where you and your honey retreat and reconnect with each other; instead, it becomes the place where you clean up cookie crumbs and remove Power Ranger toys from under the covers. When a couple has to schedule their intimate times around children being in their bed, something is wrong. Not to mention, no one, except for the child, gets a good night’s sleep. After a long workday, a parent needs sleep and solitude without their child’s elbow or knee punching them in the face.
Now just because you aren’t married, don’t think it is okay for your kids to take up permanent residence in your bed. When this happens, the parent and the child tread a slippery slope that can lead to co-dependency in the bedroom. For example, maybe you have been allowing your child to sleep in your bed, supposedly for his/her comfort and security, but something on the inside of you just might be compensating for feeling lonely yourself. Is this bedtime ritual really for the child or is it for the parent? Also, what happens when you do find a mate and now your child is upset because another person has taken his/her place in your bed? Or when you would still rather sleep with your child than with your spouse? This is not good for the child or for your future marriage. Single parents and their children need to find other means to feel secure in bed without forming a co-dependent sleeping relationship.
I’m not saying parents’ beds should be off limits to kids. What I am saying is that the master bedroom and the marriage bed should not be controlled by children. For many parents, that’s the only place in the home where they can “let it all hang out.” Growing up, I often wondered why my parents placed restrictions on their bedroom. Now I know.
By the way, I’m happy to say that after months of counseling and strict instructions to put the kids into their own beds, “anonymous husband and wife” are now sleeping in the same bed and enjoying each other like newlyweds. Of course, maintaining the sacredness of the marriage bed will not solve all marital problems, but it can help improve your marriage.
BMWK family, what do you think about children sleeping in their parents’ beds?
Dr. Michelle this is great advice! I am laughing hard right now about what you said about children being in the marriage bed, how it becomes “the place where you now clean up cookie crumbs and remove Power Ranger toys from under the covers.” That is funny! lol
Oh, it is so, so true Niambi. I have lived it. I love my little lady and all of her toys but they should not be beside me in bed when I want to share some love with my sweetheart. 🙂
Hi! I definitely agree with this article. As you stated, the bedroom is sacred. With keeping things sacred, there must be boundaries. (Sometimes, just like with the anonymous couple, couples can allow the enemy to unknowingly come in and cause tidbits of division within our marriage through something as “simple” as this.) This is definitely a “must read.”
Hi Maria. It’s interesting that this couple probably made this arrangement for one night but it turned into a lifestyle. We just have to be careful, and we have to be deliberate about protecting the marriage, yes, even from our kids.
Please share with others. Glad you liked it.
I’m a single person with kids and my bed is off limits to my children. My bedroom is off limits for that matter. Nobody is allowed in my room w/o permission because it’s my solitude. I learned a long time ago to never even start with kids sleeping in your bed. The only one who almost got away w/ it is my youngest. He still tries but I always say no, well unless they are sick or I sense they need some Mama TLC. I value my peaceful rest too much to be kicked, kneed and poked all night. Great article.
Thanks Tamara.
I remember growing up my parents room and anything in it was off limits. The room was always closed and such a mystery. Once we knew the rules, there was never any debate about boundaries. My dad, the ex-marine, gave the order and it was done! The only time I allowed my kids in the bed was in the nursing infant months. And even then, my spouse wanted to immediately snatch the bundles of joy after a feeding and place them back in their cribs. I would think, “Can a sistah get some bonding time please!” lol Eventually, we came to a wonderful understanding. We still laugh about those days
I like that you all came to a “wonderful understanding.” Those are the best. Everybody wins.
my husband is actually the one who allows the kids in the bed. I woke up this morning and my middle child was sleeping on the other side of where my husband was. Of my three girls only the oldest doesn’t climb into our bed. For me it is my only time away from them and i try to have my bed as mine. we can hang out saturday morning watching cartoons, otherwise out!
I agree. That time “away” is important. Like I told Dante (comment above), share this article with him. I hope it helps.
I agree 100% now tell that to her I live with My kids mom and we have 2 children 2yrs and 1yr and My oldest has been doing it for a while now it started out as a necessary tool because of limited space but continued to go on for more than a year now i can hardly sleep and if we do decide to try something we have to go to the living room I didnt realize it until iread this but it has infuenced our relationship alot.
Hi Dante. I would share this with her. Just a suggestion.
I have trouble with my son coming in my room late at night, being pregnant I need all the rest I can get so often hubby feels I take up the bed and will sleep in a guest room. My son knowing that finds his way in our room. We also just moved into a new home so he is still adjusting. I feel like I am making excuses, what do I do?
It will take some time in a new house, but you have to be consistent. Each child is different but we made sure we were on top of it — nightly!! No excuses. It tires you out having to get up and take them back each time but it is worth it. Eventually he will give in and stay in his bed. He will!! But you have to be consistent and not give in.
Of our four children, I nursed the two youngest, so many times they were in the bed with us. There was a bassinet next to the bed, but after a feeding I would sometimes keep them in bed with me. I only nursed them until they were about six months and then we slowly eased them out of our bed completely. That is until I made the mistake of letting my youngest come back into the bed. He was sick for an entire week but after he got better, I still let him stay.
My husband did not like it and began to insist that he sleep in his own crib. At first, I resisted, but I gave in rather quickly. He and I still laugh as we remember waking up in the morning, opening the bedroom door and stumbling upon my 1 1/2 year old son (by then sleeping in a toddler bed), little booty up in the air, sleeping right outside of our door! He didn’t do it every day, but maybe a few times a week. It got so that we knew to be very careful when we walked out of our bedroom. That showed me that it was a very good thing that we got him out of there when we did! We eventually got him out of the habit of getting up and sleeping outside of our door.
My time alone with my husband is priceless and I don’t want to share that with our children. We give so much of our time and ourselves to them (as we should!) We have to ensure that the primary relationship (ours) remains intact or the entire family will suffer!
Awesome comment Shyretta. And too cute, your baby sleeping outside your door. I’m familiar with the bottom up sleeping too. Love it.
A great article and I remember as a child that my parents’ bedroom held such mystery…the children were not allowed to just enter and make ourselves to home….that was what our bedrooms were for. My parents even made it a point to snuggle, console, counsel, read bedtime stories, etc. in our beds, not theirs. Eventhough I am single and do not have children, I am still protective of my bedroom, when the nieces and nephews were younger, the occasional sleepover in my bed was permissible but never a habit! I am keeping my bed from being defiled as God readies me for my husband.
I agree…the parents’ bedroom is where adults retreat, recharge and sometimes reload! The parents feeling overwhelemed, worn out, and overextended on a long-term basis can never serve the children well – whether single or married, adults need a little time each day to care for themselves so that they can give their best selves to the kiddos. Our children are allowed to spend limited spaces of time in our room; however, even they have come to recognize it as a very special place to be INVITED into. Most times they are sick and it is perfectly OK with us to carve out that time to nurse them back to health. I do believe many people associate that boundary with selfishness, and if you are locking yourself in your room each day trying to escape your children until they go to bed, then that’s a entirely different story altogether (lol)! But if you are like myself and my husband, we are excited about that part of the day because it gives us an opportunity to laugh, chat, cry, fight, and whatever else we need to do without an audience. 🙂
I really do not agree with this article as the author insists that all children are manipulative little buggers who when allowed into your bed disrupt your marriage. For generations mothers have slept with their children to give that secure basis in life. Not everyone wants their child in a bedroom down the hall especially if they lost a child to SIDS or are scared of it happening. A breastfeeding mother would prefer they child with them than down the hall as you make life harder everytime their child needs a feed having to run down the hall to feed them and come back leaving an exhausted, irritated mother who’s husband will not get her attention at all.
I am firm believer that co sleeping spices up your sex life. Why should baby making be confinded to the ‘marital bed’? Maybe it is the British, west Indian Muslim ,theology specialist in me that questions where God in any holy book said here is a bed for you to sleep on and this is where you ‘must’ create your children. Spice comes in all shapes and forms if you need yout bed to make another baby then there are serious issues between this ridged routine.
My daughter slept with us until she was 18months in her cotbed then into her room as she had finished breastfeeding by then. My rules are no eating apart from breast or toys in our bed.
What works for one family may not work for another. As in the US maternity laws are different as we are supplement for 9 months to stay at home as a teacher or civil servent and our fathers get two weeks paid leave. I found alot the comments underminded the many cultures in the term black and the different types of marriage that do not revolve around the marital bed.
This is good advice. I watched my close friend and her husband go through this. Their 3 children crowded in and put her husband on the couch permanently. Unfortunately, their marriage is now over and that was not the only factor, but one of the main problems in their marriage.
That’s really unfortunate. We can love our kids deeply, but we still need to be sure we take of the marriage for us and for them. They need their parents TOGETHER. Thank you Mrs. Williams.
Im in a predicament Dr. Johnson, hubby works the night shift and gets home at 6 in the am…..so I let the lady (5yrs old) sleep in the bed…..as “security” as I put it…..But when he comes in at 6, we want to lay together for the hour that we may have before I have to get up and its a “tight” squeeze.
On top of that, his 2 days off arent always the same, and when they come, then the real predicament arises, and the three of us squish in the bed…..
Im usually the one in the middle, and I am grumpy and tired all day, because Ive been stick between them.
Now, awhile back, we had moved, and I got her all the princess paraphanalia to make her comfortable in her own room……but after a rough time in our relationship, he left and was out of the house for six weeks, which is when i moved her in.
I dont know what to do…
Jamy,
Straight to the point: if you want your marriage to work, you have to spend quality time with your husband. If you all were separated for 6 months before, then risk being separated again or maybe even divorced.
Your daughter needs to feel secure in her home, of course. And she needs to cuddle with mommy too. But she also needs her mommy and daddy to have a stable and secure marriage.
Security for a child comes in many forms, but primarily in knowing there is a home with loving parents. She will adjust in her room. But you have to help her.
Dig deep to see why you “prefer” her in the bed over your husband. You probably wouldn’t say it that way but actions speak louder than words.
Also, if you only get an hour with him in the early morning. . . girl, make the most of it with him. It’s not quantity that matters; it’s quality.
I pray that helps you. And I will pray for you all right now.
You can do this Jamy. 🙂
Each family is different, you have to do what works for your family! We are a co-sleeping family and it works well for us. The point is you both have to be happy with it.
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