Lamar and I are shooting our 5th documentary film and the topic is Blended Families. This topic is near and dear to our hearts because we have a blended family. I had two children from a previous relationship when Lamar and I met, and then we had two more kids after we got married. And what we’ve found out is that our family structure is not so un-common as 1/3 of all Americans find themselves in some type of step-family relationship – step-parent, step-child, or step-sibling.
But since blended families are so prevalent, how come everyone is so surprised by the challenges that they face after getting married? And when I say everyone….I am including myself in that. In interviewing the couples for our film, I heard terms like “blind-sided” “sucker punched” and “unprepared” for problems that surfaced after wedding day. And unfortunately, most families are not able to survive with over 60% of re-marriages ending in divorce. And if the re-marriage involves children, then the likelihood of divorce increases.
I was at a marriage conference a few weeks back, and Dr. Gary Chapman- marriage guru and author of The Five Love Languages, gave us 3 factors that lead to re-divorce:
- Factor #1 – The Children – not realizing how the kids are adjusting…..and the inability to be empathetic with the kids. To be honest, if I had to do it all again, I would have talked with my kids more before getting married…rather than assume. I assumed that things were “hunky dory” because everyone got along while Lamar and I were dating. But dating and being married and living together are very different things. And talking to your kids first about their feelings and about what is going to happen in the blended family will help to start you off in the right direction. And don’t be afraid to hear from your kids that they don’t want you to get married. If anything, you should be glad that your kids are sharing their true feelings because now you will be able to address their concerns.
Click here to read more factors that lead to re-divorce and what you can do about it…….. 3 Things You Should Know Before Getting Married Again, Blended Family Challenges
Then come back and share with us tips or resources that you have used to help your family overcome challenges.
We have a blended family. My husband and I have been married for 24 years, together for 26. He had three children and one on the way when I met him. I had none. We married and had 3 more, yes, seven (7) children. I was 27 years-old. Being a woman of great confidence, class and culture, I chose NOT to be into any drama with the ex over ANYTHING. That worked for us. She and I have NEVER had a cross word EVER!!! Even when my husband tried to draw me into whatever disagreement he and the ex were having,I DID NOT engage. i supported him in whatever decision they made together that was not detrimental to the family unit. You have to set boundaries in order to have some sense of decorum. I CHOSE not to have a drama laiden marriage. I think as long as you show respect, you will get the respect back. I took care of their children as though I birth them. That is also key. When we had ours together we did not separate the kids. Even though the ex had full custody their were with us a lot and the kids grew up together. They are ALL of our kids. They are grown now and the best of friend’s. We all love and respect each other. The exes family embraced me and our kids, and they are like family to me, and I to them. That is how you get through being blended, RESPECT!
Amazing! I can’t even began to ask god to give me the patience you have. Me & my husband have a blended family as well & I try daily to stay put. His son is abusive & oldest daughter has a very smart mouth. The sons mother wants to hold personal conversations with him & assume im insecure if I dont allow it to happen. The daughters mom wants to talk about childish things such as who looks better & their past. I’m annoyed & ready to go. I feel like i’m to old for this.
Great and courageous post Ronnie! I too have a blended family and we fought hard through a short season to get on the right page regarding parenting and our core values. It wasn’t easy on anyone – but after the hard work and God’s grace – it is absolutely beautiful. My advice to every married couple: YOU should be the LAST person on earth to intentionally hurt your spouse’s feelings.
My question is: What do you do when you are an adult child in a blended family situation? My father has re-married several times, and each time he has tried to manipulate or guilt me into interacting with step-mothers ( at least that’s how it felt). He would call me and put the phone on speaker phone so that I had to talk to them. Or, bring them by my home uninvited and unexpected. And my least favorite was them calling me on my cell phone when I did not give them my number and saying that our dad suggested they call and that I’d be ok with it. I expressed my concerns to him about letting me initiate any interactions I have with people I don’t know well. I’m not sure what else to do, short of becoming hostile.
That is definitely disrespectful and manipulative on your father’s part. I would understand if you were a child. But as an adult it is your prerogative what kind of relationship you wish to have with your father’s partner. I think you may need to have a heart to heart with a professional counselor as a mediator. If your father continues to behave accordingly then he should be ready to deal with the negative consequences that comes with it. You are an adult person with your own feelings and he really needs to respect that. That is my personal opinion. I really hope the heart-to-heart works. Oh! You don’t need to be nasty to the women, just respectfully honest about your discomfort. Hopefully, they will respect that and be able to empathize with your situation.