Before I got married, I had my own life, my own money, car, a successful career as a military officer…this sister was doing it for herself. I did not subscribe to the whole “I’m good by myself. I don’t want or need a man” delusion, either. I was willing to patiently wait and live life to the fullest while determining which choice I was going to make in who I wanted to marry (brothers were sending in their resumes, believe me). I had it all together, I knew what I wanted in life, and I was enjoying the gift I had been given.
Then life took another turn. I met my husband, fell in love, said yes to his proposal and then said “I do.” It seems like all hell broke out after that! The honeymoon didn’t last very long, because when you have two people from different backgrounds and frames of reference, sparks are bound to fly. We fussed ALL.THE.TIME. Five months into our marriage, I was pregnant, which exacerbated the arguments because my hormones were out of control. Somewhere along the way, I got tired of fussing, so I just shut down. It was difficult at first, but eventually it got easier and easier until I had totally succumbed to the “Lost Identity Syndrome.” It’s the syndrome where a spouse compromises who they are in order to avoid the negative (but necessary) aspects of a relationship.
What happens when you lose part of yourself in a marriage? If you have allowed yourself to become a victim of it, how can you get back to who you really are? How can you prevent it from happening?
I would love to say that only weak minded individuals succumb to such a vicious cycle of compromise, but I am proof positive that is not the case. I am not saying my experience is the textbook example, but I will say that anyone in this syndrome experiences emotions that are designed to be released. If they are not released in a healthy manner, those very emotions will turn against an individual in various ways. The following things happened to me:
- Depression
- Lower immunity to sickness (I caught a cold for the first time in over 10 years after I got married)
- Respiratory problems
- Shingles
I got to the point where I wanted to leave, or if I had to stay, I wanted one of us to die. I had become a victim, and I didn’t know how to bring myself back from it. I was a zombie in my own home, completing the job of being married like it was a mundane and miserable thing. Someone asked me one day how married life was treating me, and I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I was distracted, unfulfilled and void of any semblance of the inner joy I’d had prior to getting married.
One day, I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t even know the person looking back at me. I had gained weight, my eyes were baggy, my smile was gone…I was just a shell of who I had been before. I made the decision at that point to get back to life…back to reality…back to the here and now.
It really doesn’t matter why you make that decision if you’ve succumbed to this vicious syndrome. What matters is that the decision is made! After much counsel from my mama (who is a professional counseling psychologist), my pastors (a husband and wife team) and support from my husband, who always found himself caught in the crossfire between who I WAS and the shell I had become, I finally decided that enough was enough.
- I did a personal inventory of what it was I was unhappy about and made a game plan to change it. For me, the weight and the unwise financial decisions had to change through a workout regiment and sound fiscal discipline. I couldn’t change the fact that I’d gotten pregnant well before planned, but I definitely could decide to be a better mother to my son.
- I learned how to differentiate between being a submissive wife and being a wife who was nothing but a “yes man.” If something was bothering me, it was incumbent upon me to let it be known.
- I learned that I DO have a voice in our relationship. I had silenced it because I was tired of fussing. I had to learn how to express my ideas and philosophy without taking in personal if my husband disagreed or chose to go in a different direction
- I had to look at the good things about my husband instead of harping on the things about him that irked my nerves. He’s an awesome father, he loves me unconditionally, he loves the Lord with all his might, he’s humble and teachable.
- I had to understand that the things that irked my nerves about my husband, if they weren’t showstoppers like pedophilia, abuse or adultery, then I was willing to learn how to live with them. Him being a loud and messy eater or him walking out of his clothes bothered me, but not enough to terminate our relationship
- I had to learn that the only person’s actions I have any control over are my own.
On that last point, I chose not to write about my husband’s behavior for that very reason. He and I have grown together tremendously since the first 18 months of our marriage, and we’re both still very much in love and, praise God, we haven’t killed one another!
I am so grateful to the Lord for waking me up and helping me make the decision to allow my voice to be heard, regardless of the temporary discomfort that disagreements caused me. I truly wish that I had never fallen into this trap, but now that I have gradually come out, I can pinpoint areas that would cause me to fall back into a prison within myself. For those of you who have never fallen victim to the “Lost Identity Syndrome,” here are some warning signals to watch out for:
- Backing away from confrontation to avoid the temporary unpleasantness of the discussion. The only way your spouse will know where you stand is if YOU communicate it
- When what used to bring you joy is now only a mundane task, i.e. sex, cooking, showing signs of affection.
- You don’t want to leave your workplace because you feel you get more affirmation there than at home
- You have seriously considered divorce after an argument
- You run out of energy and find yourself wanting to sleep more or isolate yourself (now keep in mind, some personalities just like the serenity of solitude, but if you find yourself doing this and you’re generally a people person, that’s a huge red flag)
My prayer as you read this will be that you never fall victim to the trap you set for yourself by shutting down and losing your identity in your marriage. However, if you do, I am proof positive that you can come “Back to life…back to reality…back to the here and now.”
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet is a hilariously joyful married woman who resides in northeast Louisiana with her husband who is a restaurant manager. She works for a local University and along with her husband is the proud parent of a 3 year old son and a 10 year old stepson (who lives in NC).
Everything you wrote is so true!!
I especially like this comment: “Backing away from confrontation to avoid the temporary unpleasantness of the discussion. The only way your spouse will know where you stand is if YOU communicate it.”
So many people decide to avoid issues and instead let negative feelings and resentment build up.
I fell into that trap over a few issues when I first got married…but now I rather have the temporary discomfort of the conversation …rather than walk around feeling resentment.
TheMoms last blog post..Dear BMWK, Im a Depressed Dad
Harriet is a hilariously joyful married woman who resides in northeast Louisiana with her husband who is a restaurant manager. She works for a local University and along with her husband is the proud parent of a 3 year old son and a 10 year old stepson (who lives in NC). … and the family also have support in MD. 🙂
Good stuff H. Many great points on how to look at the situation… saying.. hey, i’m here.. now what!?
So, I’ve seen that when there’s arguing all the time or a lot, it’s usually a sign of there being some other underlining issue(s). Anyone else find that to be true?
King James
Maryland
Harriet, I think you may actually be me! I feel your post. I lost myself in my marriage too and have subsequently found myself about two or three times…then when I found myself I lost my voice. (I used to write poetry and the like…I found that hidden in my husbands’ valet…) My spouse and I have been married for nine years, we too have two children…(8 yr. old boy and 3 yr. old girl). The first child came exactly nine months after we said I do…contrary to the advice given my our then minister…When engaged or newly weds ask for advice on marriage…I tell them wait @ least 3 yrs. to have a child and honestly communicate. In private I tell the wives to have a life…because I you continue to live vicariously through your spouse you will not be happy…you must cultivate your own interest and continue to protect the ones you had before marriage and motherhood. The final thing I swear by is yoga/prayer! It keeps your mind and body toned. I think all to often we don’t let it go…with yoga/prayer you leave it on the mat/rug…Surrendering to a higher power brings me inner peace. Submission to God or the divinity in my husband is preferable to submission to his imperfect self. On the titles of mother, wife, first lady (yeah, my husband’s a minister…another post), student, daughter, sister, etc. I humbly, embrace them all, because like God, simply put, I am.
Hey, KingJames!
Man, OF COURSE there are underlying issues when a couple is always fussing. That’s where the deep communication had to come from. We had to quit dealing with the little symptoms here and there and target the root of what was bringing us so many disagreements.
@ Celeste,
We’ve only been married 4 years, but it seems the lessons we’ve learned should have come along at the 10-15 year point. LOL I’m glad we got a lot of the “need to be polite” mess over with. We just refused to leave a door open for us to rip one another apart any longer.
Harriet,
I think both my wife and I feel we’ve lost some of ourselves. We try to focus on what we’ve gained, which admittedly is much, but not harboring bitterness is definitely a challenge sometimes.
Your experiences mirror ours in many ways. We were blessed to have gotten a lot of great advice but two things told us stand out and we often, still, refer to them when we argue and our relationship seems unsteady:
1) A significant part of marriage is learning to “put up with stuff.”
2) You can be right, or you can be close. The choice is yours.
Thanks for the article and for including the importance of God’s role in your relationship. Sometimes the best treatment is learning others experience similar challenges.
Eugene
Harriet,
First, I’m proud of you and have always. You are reaching new heights. God is not through yet. Your marriage trials are only set-ups for triumphs and the crisis moments is for Christ to show Himself strong. Thank God for everything.
Second, you took all the WORDS out of my mouth. I have been saying and thinking. All and all I have been for 22 years and going strong. I can truly say, “There is nothing this marriage has not gone through.” God is still the glue that holds it all together. Our Faith in what God can do has grown even more. When I want to give up, turn away, throw in the towel, God reminds me, “I came for the lost” (b/c of Him We are found) “I came for the sick” (call the elders of the church or lay hands on your- self) “I came for the tired” (cast your cares) and “I came for the down trodden” (look-up).
Harriet seems to me that you are right where you should, “stretched, challenged, mold, shappened, all in His image, for His glory.
Continue to keep God First!
SistaMac; Guam
Thanks for sharing Harriet, I always enjoy reading what you type. I didn’t lose myself in this marriage, if anything I cocooned from a catipiller to the butterfly I was meant to be. I get to be the “whole” me, flaws and all. I don’t have to pretend to be perfect or just give in all together. I am a balanced me. Everyday may not be a good day at work but at the end of the day I get to come home to my husband and share my day with him. If my day was good or bad I get to share/dump it on my husband. It’s so nice to have your best friend because at the end of the day I always feel better that he took the time to listen and let me get it out of my system.
Wow, this is powerful.
More women should begin to follow suit and tell us men what you fell. What you think. What you want, because it matters. The era that would have you believe a wife is a slave is over. Wives are joint partners with us and being “The Head” does not make us Slave Masters. We need your input to make better more informed, involved dicissions but when you go silent on us and become unresponsive or worse start agreeing for the sake of agreeing, to us, that means you are onboard with us and if you are onboard with us then we don’t see any problems. We don’t see why you are so unhappy, we dont see why we have to go to a counselor, because we are happy, because we always agree. We are confused when you start talking about how we dont understand because you have never told us how you disagree, we are even more confused when you start talking separation and divorce and we wonder how we got here. Just going along to get along is very unhealthy for the both of us. You guys have to help us out here. If we were to grab you to tight and it were hurting you or it made you uncomfortable you would tell us. We can’t read your minds. I wish we could, but we can’t, my first marriage dissolved because of this syndrome, and because I now know what to look for and my wife knows how to get here point across my second marriage is flourishing.
Man, this is oh so true. I got married at 21 years old and I definitely wasn’t ready. For some reason, I assumed that once we got married, all those little habit he had that irked me would suddenly disappear. I thought he would be able to see when I was tired and needed help; I assumed he would do more to help clean up around the house and chase after the kids. I assumed that he would want to sit down and discuss our finances every month. I assumed wrong and have now learned to accept him as he is. If I want something done, I have to open my mouth and ask him.
Tara
https://theyoungmommylife.com
Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..And All I Had Was A Lousy C-Section
Harriet,
Very good piece! I am glad you decided to make a change in your situation. Communication is the key to a successful marriage, but we must remember it is not what you say its how you say it. If their is a conflict it would be better to address the issue not attack the your spouse. Great article I appreciate you honesty the world needs it.
Renodda
I’m not married but even in my relationships I worry about loosing myself. I worry about being too compromising and sometimes look back and try to figure out where I should have stood my ground when all is said and done. I’m a natural “peacemaker/keeper” but I know I have to find the balance between compromise and out right SURRENDER. It’s nice to see that if I ever ended up going too far it is possible to find my way back. Great article!
Well said, and all true. Marriage is about growing and the longer you are married the more growth you will have to undergo whether you want to or not, It’s forced on you because the marriage is constantly changing from internal and external influences. I think having children and the struggles I have had with that process has been the most challenging to the identity process for me. But again as your internal and external situations changes, you must change and grow in order to cope with the changes. That is what we all have to strive to do in marriage and in life…Great post Harriet! You provide valuable experience and insight that can help lots of people facing similiar situations…did you have any good friends (nearby) rooting for your family during the hard times….that always helps! (lol)
My-isha
@Tony – you hit it on the head from a man’s POV
Harriet,
First off, let me say how proud I am of this published article. God has put so much in you and I know that this is only a glimpse of your God-given potential. As your pupil and friend, I am unbelievably ecstatic.
Next, I want to say how much I appreciate you and “Mr. Restaurant Manager” for being the example of what a marriage should look like. I know Ive expressed this to you all before, but your marriage is so different and a thrill to observe. Having witnessed this thing of beauty that is your marriage firsthand, I always valued the example and authenticity of what I observed. Though I am only 20 years old and quite a ways from marriage, I can appreciate these words of wisdom. This was so skillfully articulated and such an interesting concept. It is so important to be yourself. I know this advice can be trusted because it is the fruit of a labor that has been tried in the fire (oh what a fire), and has come out gold. I pray that God continues to enrich your marriage and continues to bless the two of you, and lets not forget my percussively-inclined nephew. I love you all so much and again, CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS!!
-T.C.
@ Tony,
What you wrote was powerful in itself! I think you mirrored my husband’s sentiment. A huge reason why I would shut down with him is because he’s very discerning, and he would use that to assume he knew how I felt, so it wouldn’t give me the chance to express it. I had to ask him to kindly put that discernment on the shelf when it came to our relationship; otherwise, there was no point in me opening my mouth and saying anything. If I did, it would be colored by what he assumed he already knew.
@ Eugene,
I thought I was a mad scientist going through all this foolishness by myself. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone out there.
@ Anna,
I celebrate your marriage! Each one has its own heartbeat, and your description of yours made mine skip a beat. That sounds so awesome, and I’m happy for you!
@ Isha,
Girl, I’m really careful about “close friends,” because very few people out there are genuine, whether its at work or at home. There have been too many times when I’ve expressed my angst over my marriage with ONE person, but 10-15 people come up to me later telling me what they think I should do (and none of the advice lines up with the standard of the Word that I place my foundation upon). My pastors, mama and husband get the privilege of seeing the transparency of our relationship, as well as a family down the street. Ironically enough, my girl’s name is My-Isha, too (only spelled different)! LOL
Harriet,
Wow!!! This is so on point!!! You know, it doesn’t surprise me with the knowledge that you have. I still remember those talks we had. You are walking wisdom!!! After accepting my call into the ministry, I have encountered so many with these types of issues. I will most definitely pass this article on to the masses! God bless you and continue to share the wisdom that God has placed inside of you!!!
Shantell
Beautiful,
I am so proud of your published article, and I know that this is just a glimpse of what is inside of you. You are truly God sent and ordained for me. I appreciate the fact that you didn’t settle and allow who you are to die in our marriage. You are truly my rib and have truly gaurded my heart. Though in the past I bruised my rib through words of insecurities, you still covered and protected the weaknesses I had and made me look strong. You are truly to me the essence of a wife, mother, friend, counselor, dictionary, …. to sum it up, tailored made for me. I thank God for you and the fact He would trust me to help cultivate, and prepare you for purpose is really humbling. You can do anything you put your hands to, you are anointed for this. I am so glad that more people get to experience the heart and wisdom you possess inside. Congratulations, I knew you could do it.
I love You
“Mr. Restaurant Manager
Awww, baby! You’re so sweet to me! Thanks for making me your #1 (and only) draft pick! With you, I and the Lord, nothing is impossible for us. As long as you’re with me and we’re working together, we can go through hell, high water, and even survive the traps and distractions of success and blessing like the champions God created us to be.
Thanks for pushing me. I look forward to many more years with you, and I thank God I know who I am now so I can fully enjoy all you are to me!
Smooches, Mr. Restaurant Manager!
@Mr. Restaurant Manager and Harriet.
Truly beautiful. There should be more of what you two have in this world. Congratulations on finding true love!
Tara
https://theyoungmommylife.com
Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Our Journey Home: Preparation
Wow! Thanks for being so honesty. Your story is very encouraging. I’m excited for you and your future. You are such a bright person, and there is so much on the inside of you. You are such an awsome woman. I really look up to you. Keep on keeping on for the sake of those that will follow you. Peace. Love ya.
Thank you for sharing your story. You have just expressed everything that I am feeling in my marriage. The worst part of my story is my husband is not putting forth any effort. I feel like it is all me and this is so discouraging for me. He reminds me that we have grown apart and that’s the extent of his input. When I express what I am feeling it falls on death ears. (I really think he does not care.)
When I try to reach out to do things like date night, go to church together or family time he’s not interested. I have prayed for a sign and guidance for what I should do and I’m not giving up until I receive confirmation.
Thanks again
T
@ Harriet. Thank you for your contribution to the site and we’d just like to commend you and your husband. You relationship seems to capture the essence of what Black and Married With Kids is all about.
🙂
@ TheMom,
Thank you so much again for this tremendous privilege! As TC stated earlier, our marriage has definitely been tried in the fire, and “Mr. Restaurant Manager” and I are just getting to the tip of the iceberg of the plan and purpose God ordained when He put the two of us together. We appreciate you for allowing us to share our story.
@ Trinity,
Girl, you said TWO THINGS that let me know there is still room for God to work His will out in your relationship: “I have prayed…” and “I’m not giving up…”
I felt the way you felt. It’s like a state of desperation where no one can fulfill your need except your husband, and he’s not willing to do it! Hang in there and keep doing those two things you stated. Never, EVER underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit to make a change, not only in your life, but the life of your husband.
It worked for us, I promise you. But let me forewarn you. If your trust and dependence is upon the Lord like you say, He’s going to begin to work in and on your husband. When that happens (and I believe God with you that it will), you have to make a decision not to keep your response and reaction to him the same, as if he hasn’t changed at all. I was so bitter with my husband that even though the Lord was changing him, I couldn’t tell because all I could hear when we communicated was all the hurtful things we’d said to one another playing like a broken record in my head.
Don’t throw in the towel. These days, we’ve got to fight for our marriages. Christian marriages especially! The divorce rate amongst couples in church is 2% higher than couples that don’t proclaim Christ. That is a clarion call of warning to us, and your situation is no different.
Stand firm, continue to pray, and don’t give up…don’t faint. Your labor and warfare for your marriage will not be in vain. I’m praying with and for you. Ask TheMom or TheDad for my e-mail address. Let’s stay in touch. Until I get your contact, please stay encouraged. I know it’s hard, but it will break.
One more thing @ Trinity:
You can only do what YOU can do. As stated above, the only person’s actions you can control are your own. If your husband hardens his heart, you don’t have any control over that. Your situation sounds a lot like 1 Corinthians 7:13-15.
“13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”
If he’s willing to stay and work it out, then praise the Lord. If not, then praise the Lord, because God has called us to live in peace.
Ideally, I would hope both of you would work together for the survival of your marriage. However, if your husband isn’t putting in the work, and he grieves the Holy Spirit by refusing to be humble and broken (prerequisites for both husbands and wives) and insists on terminating the relationship, YOU be at peace. Do all you can, then leave the rest up to the Lord.
But PLEASE allow the Lord to show you who you are to Him. You are valuable to Him. He loves you, even when you feel like no one else does. Stay encouraged, sis. Once again, I’m praying for you.
Hey Harriet,
GREAT ARTICLE! CONGRATULATIONS!!
I am soo very proud of you. This is such important and true information. Like curvydva, i am not married, but i have learnt knowing and maintaining who you are is very important in any relationship. I beleive these lessons are best learned before marriage. i have been in a committed relationship for almost 18 months now and the major lesson i have learned is speaking up!! like Ms Renodda said, it is not about what you say, but how you say it. you get more attention and response when you say it the right way.
Thanks for all this priceless information. I hope to see many more articles from you. Every single person needs all this wisdom and information way before they say “I DO”.
Love ya, and big hugs to E.J. I wish you many more blissfull years in your marriage.
I am glad to have read this. Thank you, Harriet. I know I have lost my identity in my husband’s “world.” This gives me a stepping stone to get it back.
Ms. HMs last blog post..My Finances: The Holiday Season Is Here
@ Ms. HM,
The fragrance and illumination of who you are as a woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter is too important to leave cooped up under a bowl. I’ll be praying with and for you to find your way back. It’s not a pleasant journey, but it’s worth it. God bless!
@ Rhoda,
Hmmm…I didn’t know you were in a relationship. Who is this gentleman? Where’s he from? Is he saved? What church does he go to? Does he have a prayer life? What does your brother think about him? ROFL! I’m sure if the questions haven’t been asked before, you’re getting to the point where folks are going to begin to ask them. Consider this a rehearsal, sis! Congrats…and I’m telling Pastor Bryan on youuuuuuuuuuu. LOL
@ Harriet, lol. u r very funny. those questions have been asked and answered already. and trust me, Pastor Bryan knows already. u r kindda late u know. lol. by the way, i was looking for some more interesting articles from u men. keep ’em coming.
@ Rhoda…
Dang, you didn’t have to put me on blast in front of all these people! LOL But I am kinda on CP time when it comes to knowing about your relationship. ROFL.
Hey Teach,
I finally got to view your article and I must say that it was an eye opener for me. I Love my family and the first thing that’s on my mind is protect them. Somtimes they don’t understand and sometimes I don’t know how to expess myself, but in the end I explain why! I see now that I need to work on the hows when it comes to me and that might eliminate the need to explain. Then again, I explanation may be still needed. Either way, I love my wife and my family and it’s always a better way to express it! That’s what so GREAT about it. I want to be a GREAT HUSBAND (HEAD), but most of all and most importantly, I want to know how to be a GREAT HUSBAND (HEAD). My wife is the best thing that’ ever happened to me besides getting saved and I want her to know it. I’m so happy that the Lord lead me to Campus Community Worship Center because of a great pastor that grooms a great flock. You’ve been well groomed and I very prood to have you as my school of ministry instructor. When you love what you do, it will show through the good and the bad times. It’s obvious that you Love the Lord and your husband and you are married to them both, so you get a double reward!
God Bless You And Yours
MikeMcD
Girl you are true inspiration. I am so glad someone stood out to be honest about what they have endured. You are so on point on this site. The excitablity won’t leave me concerning you. Thank you so much for for imparting knowledge with the word of God to me and sharing your testimony. How great it is to see another (SIC)Sister-in-Christ stepping her game up for real. I gotta boast here yall Harriet is “My” ok “Our” instuctor in ministry school at CCWC.
Kendrick said, “Congratulations and thanks for bringing back my song.”
Me’Lonnie said, “Thanks for telling me ‘I’m Beautiful’ at the first ladies social at Ms. May’s house. Hopefully you remember. Congrats and God bless.”
Love ya, sis
Mr. and Mrs. “Walk It Out”
For those of you that have been through this, how did you find your way back?
This topic is dear to my heart and I understand and agree with everything you said. I am so glad I am not alone.
Dear Harriet,
When I first viewed this article I was liked wow! This is exactly what I am experiencing. Right before I met my husband I had just step into another arena of faith. There was nothing I beleive that I could ask God for and He would show up. The Lord had to do a lot of work in me to even get me to this level. I spent all of my time raising my kids, serving the ministry and giving mounds of time getting to know my Father in heaven. I have had one battle after another and finally I thought I could get a little piece of peace and quiet for myself and my girls. I just move in a house in the country I was planning to buy, got blessed with a car, a good job and elevated to a promotion in the ministry under my spiritual parents. Then all of sudden things began to take a turn and it seems as if the more counseling I got the more confused I became. While I was dating my husband I saw signs where we should have waited and I refuse to obey that inter-feeling. And because I did we have gone thru a lot of unnecessary drama. In working out our differences I lost myself. The more I fought to remain who I had become in Christ I slowly slip into a person I could no longer identify. I, too began to gain excessive weight, hair loss, and experience high-blood pressure. My restaurant suffer and I had to close the doors. I sanked within myself and something wouldn’t allow me to stay there. I began to see people that I had given a word to in time of distress and they began to feed that word back to me. Then I would have dreams about who I was in Christ and what I needed to do to claim my identity back. It wasn’t easy at first but I began to take back one at time the things that I gave up on. First I had to start talking to God again. I had to express to the Father I didn’t understand. I had to find a way I could spend time with Him. I knew from experience if I do not put time in with my everything(God) my life becomes empty. I can not breathe properly. Next I had to (still struggling with this one)spend time in the mirror reminding myself of who God say I am. I began to take pride in my appearance again. Spend more time with my girls affirming to them who they are. I began to do the one thing that was the hardest–let go of what was and regain my focus of what is to be. I began to ask God to feel my heart with unconditional love so I could see my husband again. Beleive me this was extremely important not just for the sake of my marriage and family but for me. Letting go and discarding pieces that need not to be put back together again but to allow God to guide me. I wasn’t trying to write a book but on this topic Harriet your story not only inspires me to keep going but to know I have a voice and I do not have to give up my identity. It’s what attracting my husband in the first place and what causes my girls to say “My mom is my mentor”
Wow, Christina,
I can really relate to everything you wrote, almost verbatim. I understand what it feels like to ignore the wisdom crying out within you. I, too, wish I’d waited a little longer before marrying my husband, and as a result, put myself through unnecessary drama. But you know what? This process has molded and shaped me in ways I never thought were possible. Thank you for sharing your story. I bless God that you are on your way back to who God says you are, and that nothing or no one can cause you to lose yourself ever again!