Criticizing is one of those things we can do without realizing it. It can be disguised with phrases like – “I was only trying to help,” “someone needs to tell you” or, my all-time favorite:  “I just want things to be excellent.”

Criticism is accusatory. It finds fault. It is disapproving. None of these things are uplifting to your marriage.

It’s funny; the ones we love the most are usually the first ones we hurt. Often, it’s not done intentionally but it happens. Take James and Eva for example. At work Eva smiles, answers people politely and goes out of her way to make sure everyone is taken care of. It’s not hard; she likes her job. However, by the time Eva gets home, she’s tired. Now, James gets the tired-snappy Eva. The Eva who has something critical to say almost every time James makes a move. She is critical about everything—from how he changes the baby to how he makes spaghetti. In this example, Eva is the critical spouse but it could just as easy be James.

Let’s be real. A critical spirit hurts your mate and will drive you apart. Change the critical spirit into a grateful spirit. Be happy your man is changing the baby even if the diaper is on crocked. Maybe there is a better way to make spaghetti. But instead of making a fuss that your pasta isn’t al dente, be thankful you still have a spaghetti dinner you didn’t have to cook. Just grab your fork and smile, and save your cooking lesson for another time.

Criticism is accusatory. It finds fault. It is disapproving. None of these things are uplifting to your marriage. Think if someone else talked to your mate the way you talk to them; would you be offended?

Try these suggestions to help remove the criticism and lay down a new norm.

1. When the negative of a situation flashes in front of your eyes, balance it with the positive that has also come out of the situation.
2. Instead of criticizing offer a suggestion and an alternative way of doing whatever it is you think can be done differently.
3. Know YOUR triggers. Are you more critical when you are tired, hungry or under pressure? If so, hold your tongue until you are in a better state of being.
4. When your mate tells you how your words make them feel, honor what they are saying as their truth and do you part to help fix it.

We can strive for excellence in our marriage by offering heartfelt advice and talking over a plan of action together. Offer suggestions when YOU are ready to offer them with concern for your mate. Bring ideas up when YOUR MATE is in a good place mentally and emotionally to receive what you are saying.

Within 28 years of marriage, I have definitely criticized and been criticized. Neither of which were productive. My husband and I had to commit to making personal changes to better our marriage. It’s hard to admit when you’ve been critical, yet when you do, you can face it and do the work to fix it.

BMWK, have you been on the receiving or giving end of criticism in your marriage; how did it make you feel?