by Tara Pringle Jefferson
On that day I walked down the aisle to make a lifelong commitment to my husband, I was a fresh-faced 21-year-old. I had graduated college two weeks earlier. I gave birth to our daughter six months prior to that.
I knew in my bones that I wanted to marry him, but when I tell you I didn’t quite know what “marriage” really meant, I honestly didn’t know.
At that time, marriage meant “forever.” I wanted to be with him forever, so I wanted to get married. I wanted to wake up next to him every morning, I wanted to have his kids (well, check that off the list), I wanted to plan vacations and see our kids off to college together. I loved him, plain and simple.
But what I didn’t know is how much work it was going to take to get us from our first meeting to our last days on earth together. All that in-between time was not going to be as easy as I hoped.
One day, I was just browsing the web, minding my own business, when I found a link to BMWK that one of my friends sent me. I got stuck on the URL. “Black and Married with kids?” I thought to myself. “That’s me!”
I scoured the site and LOVED what I found. I laughed, I took notes, I studied the posts. I walked away from that computer renewed in my dedication to my marriage every single day.
Later, when I became a regular contributor, the lessons sunk in even more. I’d like to present Ronnie and Lamar (and the rest of the BMWK family) with my thanks to them, on all the ways BMWK has improved my marriage.
1) It’s made me a better interpreter of the male mind: To Lamar and all the male contributors and commenters – thank you for sharing your viewpoints on these marriage topics. Prior to my husband, I’ve had only one other boyfriend, so I have no frame of reference when it comes to how my husband thinks. Before BMWK, I thought my husband’s notions and preconceptions were simply his thoughts. Now I see on certain topics, it’s how men think.
2) It’s made me a more patient and loving wife: Seeing how Ronnie gets giddy over Lamar’s mere presence, and Harriet always refers to her husband as Mr. Incredible even when she’s fuming, makes me take the lumps in my own marriage in stride. I am not the perfect wife and I don’t strive to be. But I can let some things roll off my back and add joy in our marriage when I see it’s lacking.
3) It’s made me understand what marriage truly means. Yes, “marriage” is still synonymous with “forever” in my mind, but now I feel like I have a blueprint on how to get there. In the early years of our marriage, every argument left me thinking, “Man, did I make the right decision to get married?” I now know that our marriage is strong enough to withstand any obstacles we may encounter, and I am aware of the tools we can use to help us fight for each other.
So thank you Lamar, Ronnie, Tiya, Harriet, Aja, Eric Payne, Delano, Marcus and everyone else who has graced BMWK with their presence and their stories. You have helped us to have a better marriage. It’s quite possibly the greatest gift I could have ever received – and to think, with the exception of Ronnie, I have yet to meet any of you. Thank you so much.
BMWK family, let us know if this website has helped your marriage in any ways.
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer and blogger living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
Lamar says
Thanks Tara, I always speak about how the BMWK community of writers and readers has helped elevate our marriage to a totally new level just due to the conversations and experiences that we all share on the site. We're just so glad to have the Young Mommy as part of the fam, you are appreciated.
Harriet says
Tara, this is awesome. This team is awesome! I can honestly say that BMWK is a Godsend. Mr. Incredible used to tell me to go study a scripture when I was acting “out of sorts.” That was the button he pushed that would prove to the whole world that “hell hath no fury….” LOL
However, there is an inherent responsibility in being part of this team. Now Mr. Incredible asks, “What will the folks at BMWK think?” LOL Worse than anything else, I don't want to be THAT wife, THAT woman, THAT mother whose sole description is that of a hypocrite. I can't write it without living it, no matter how livid I am!
So that is definitely part and parcel of how BMWK has changed and improved my own marriage. We are the mad scientists that learn lessons the hard way, Mr. Incredible and I. But learn we do, and rarely to we make the same mistakes twice. The community of readers and writers at BMWK have truly been a Godsend, and I honestly don't know where we would be without them.
Jonesi says
I agree with all you've said Tara…and to add why it has helped me, it encouraged me to actually GET married. I was scared, overwhelmed yet happy…but still terrified. But to be apart of a community where black people especially are married and making it work, was a blessing. I have those, “omg what did I do” moments still…but when I say Harriet has knoecked me back to reality more than a few times, it's kept me encouraged about my decision to become a wife…from a wife.
And that's a biggie too, I had no married friends whom I could consultant for encouragement or wisdom. We haven't met yet Tara, but our talks make me feel like I'm not alone. Someone my age is in my shoes, and a step beyond in the direction I'm trying to go.
AND Ronnie and Lamar provided a greeeeaaatttt Vday weekend event I will never forget! I truly love the BMWK fam 🙂 They are the sweetest in person…
I really, really, REALLY admire everyone for sharing with all on a reguluar. I'm a writer and marriage is so personal I can't seem to get myself to type about it. I don't know if it's fear, or the topics just seem to be overhwelming at times. I don't know but I appreciate everyone who does take time out of their lives to share 🙂
Tiya says
Tara, and we thank you too for your honesty in your articles. You let us know that all the things we think and feel about parenting are okay and normal. I too have grown so much in my marriage because of BMWK. It has made me want to work even harder. As I always say, this network is so necessary. We should plan a BMWK gathering so we all can meet in person. :0)
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Tiya – We should! We have to meet up! I've only met Ronnie so far…
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
Thanks Tara! Being a part of this team has been such a help to my marriage. Every week at least one person writes sometthing that I feel like is right on time for me. It is rare to be surrounded by so many positive and supportive people. I am so grateful that I've been able to be a part of it all!
Divine Ivy says
Tara, you said it best. I am new to the site; I found it just reading an article on Essence.com something about “The Married People Check In”. I love this site. I love that it represents many of the things I am- black, married, have kids and a lover of Christ!! I feel a connection to you from reading the stories you share and always feel better about my marriage after reading the lessons you post each day. I look forward to it.
I have been married for 5 years and had been looking for the right combination (black, married, kids and a Christian) in some type of group of women and even thought about starting one myself in my area (Tidewater, VA) since I found this site I feel motivated and inspired. Thank you very much for enriching my life and my marriage.