Dear Dr. Buckingham,
My wife and I have been married going on ten years. Two years ago I allowed myself to engage in an affair with someone that works on my former job. Sad to say I did this act while my wife was pregnant with our third child. The affair lasted 10 months and it ended. To put it out there I thought I was being slick thinking no one would find out, especially my wife. 4 months after my affair ended my wife comes to me after attending her gyn appt with the news that she contracted chlamydia. Scared, I denied the whole thing (my first mistake) then when I finally worked up the nerve to tell her how she contracted it, I didn’t tell her the whole truth (my second mistake).
To be honest I did not want to see my wife hurt and I tried to spare her feelings by not telling her everything, which I should have done. But now she is on a huge emotional roller coaster and I feel as if I’m being pushed out. It makes me want to leave but I really don’t. We tried therapy but she does not want to attend anymore. I feel that she is holding on to this as a crutch over me. How Can I Work Through my Wife’s Continuous Emotional Circle and Save My Marriage?
Please help, J
Dear J,
Your wife will never get over what you did to her. Before you panic, please allow me to explain. Getting over the lying and betrayal is impossible, but forgiveness is not. It is difficult to “get over” things because we have a recall/memory switch in our heads that switches on whenever we are reminded of past trauma. This is what causes us to relive past experiences over and over again. Your wife will continue to have ups and downs until she deals with her trauma/distress. Given this, the best way to work through your wife’s continuous emotional circle and save your marriage is to get professional help. I understand that you said that your wife refused to return to therapy, but it is extremely important that the both of you receive some kind of intervention.
In order to experience harmony in your marriage again, both you and your wife will need spiritual and psychological counseling. Psychological counseling can help your wife cope better with her trauma, the feeling of betrayal and help you gain some insight into the emotions and thoughts that led to your adulterous behavior and lying. Spiritual counseling is critical and warranted because it can help with addressing and healing deep-seated and soulful pain. Forgetting might be difficult, but forgiving can occur with spiritual healing.
Unfortunately, I do not believe that you will be able to work through your wife’s continuous circle and save your marriage without professional help. A troubled mind and a troubled soul is a bad recipe for marriage. Until your wife receives help, you will continue to be prosecuted over and over for your offense.
As you move forward in your marriage, I recommend that you seek professional help even if your wife refuses. By attending therapy you can learn how to be more empathic toward your wife. She needs you to be patient, passionate and pleasant. If you learn to manage your distress and frustration more effectively, you might be able to generate positive energy in your marriage.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
S-T-D = B-Y-E. You not only lied but you covered it up despite multiple opportunities to tell the truth in its entirety. Additionally, you put your life, your wife’s life and unborn child’s life at risk by contracting and passing along a disease. You have the nerve to be upset that she’s not forgiving you on your timetable. Get over yourself!
I’m not your wife and yet this broke my heart….I can’t even bring myself to imagine how your wife is feeling. Omg! How can you be this careless? How can you do this to your wife and the mother of your children? Put their life at risk like that, for what? Omg! I really don’t understand people like you. This is really heartbreaking….based on this I don’t feel like he realizes the severity of the damage he caused on his marriage/wife. I hope I remember to pray for you guys
Cheating, lying and an STD plus he’s still being selfish and only thinking of himself! “I want to leave, but I really don’t”!?? Didn’t he realize he left as soon as the lies and the cheating began..well reverse it in your mind/put yourself in your wife’s shoes and see if you’d ask the same questions or stay for that matter.
Exactly! Selfish SOB deserves everything he gets and more!
“You feel as if you are being pushed out and you wanna leave?” Really, seriously. Joker.
I have NO sympathy for you nor anyone like you; male or female! I hurt for your wife and children! Your smug attitude is likely adding to her pain! How dare you feel pushed away or aside! You forfeited that privilege when you had the affair! Your wife and family deserves all the time they need to work through this. Tough to deal with, but that’s the price you pay when you cheat! Plus, I have a feeling your sorrow is not as genuine as you want her to think! You say you didn’t tell her the whole truth because you wanted to spare her feelings. NOT! You wanted to make things easier for YOU, NOT YOUR WIFE! That’s why you lied about how she contracted an STD, and why you didn’t fully disclose when you told her bits and pieces. In fact, that’s why you had the affair in the first place; it was easier for you! WHATEVER was/is going on in your marriage, it does not constitute infidelity! Stop focusing on how your wife is making you feel; especially when her actions are a direct reaction to the betrayal you created! Focus on what you can and should be doing to earn your family’s trust! Stop portraying the victim with the “she’s on an emotional roller coaster” and “I’m being pushed-out” stance! You stepped-out, she didn’t push you out! Of course she doesn’t want to attend therapy with you. She probably can’t stand the ground you walk on, let alone the therapists’ couch you sit on! I would imagine, she wants to be mad at you right now. She is not in any way interested in making you feel better, and is more interested in making you feel the hurt and pain you made her feel. You MUST allow her the time and space she needs to process her feelings about you, your marriage, the other woman, and yes, her own insecurities. Insecurities you created with your affair. Your wife and children are victims of your actions. Like it or not, your feelings don’t hold the same weight as theirs right now. You don’t have the luxury of deciding how long your wife takes to deal with your betrayal. Provide FULL disclosure, and let your wife decide what she wants to/doesn’t want to hear! I agree you should attend therapy alone until she is ready to attend with you. You’re going to have to put in the work. Don’t push her faster than she is ready to go. You’ve created enough pain; she doesn’t need your “poor little me” routine adding to her pain!
Straight a******…she should leave if she’s wise and YOU have the nerve to want to leave??? Well, you’d be doing her and her kids a favor dumbass! The world would be better off with less idiots like you! You don’t deserve any words of encouragement. I am NOT the author and I do not have to be diplomatic.
Someone stated that his feelings don’t hold the same weight…well they don’t hold ANY weight at all nor will they ever. I’m pissed and it’s not even me it happened to!
ooookay so I’ve been dating this guy for over four months now. BEFORE I START MY STORY. im not looking for advice. just advicing you.
so I honestly love being with him. he makes me feel hot and special and wanted and honestly his smile lights up my life. my heart still skips a beat whenever I see him. I still get butterflies when he touches me.
I love him. and he loves me.
recently he’s been starting to be distant. and it’s fine; I let him have his space. until last month he started talking about wanting to break up.
I was very upset. I called my friends and I was crying and all that jazz.
I went to visit one of my friends, who happens to live near the guy. on my way to her house, I ran into my boyfriend. we sat down and talked for a while. he doesn’t know what he wants. I cried. he said that he wants a break because he feels so much pressure to be good at a relationship. he also wonders if sometimes that he might also be happier single. but then he says hes with me and he laughs and he’s happy and he doesn’t know.
so towards the end of the conversation I suggested that if a relationship is like a house, and a lightbulb burns out, we don’t burn the house down. we fix the light bulb.
(prior to this conversation he only saw 2 options- ending it or staying together) he chose ending it, i talked to my friend about it and he gave me a contact email for me to ask for help and i did, in contacted the love doctor and he told me what to do and when i did it, he prayed for me and my biyfriend came back begging me that he was with another woman who did a spell on him that made him leave me annd i should take him back. i had to choice, i had to take him. all thanks to The love doctor who helped me. his email is [email protected] if you have any problem in your marriage or relationship please do well to contact him he is the best.